By Randy Cohen
Which does not belong: Robinson Crusoe, Moby Dick, M.A.S.H., Talk of the Town?
by noon ET Wednesday to e-mail your answer (email@example.com).
Responses to Monday’s question (No. 62)–“Mottoes for Moderns”:
His slogan is “Stop! Don’t Touch. Leave the area. Tell an adult.” Who is he?
“Smokey the Pedophile.”–Beth Sherman
“Well, it obviously isn’t Clinton.”–Nancy Franklin
“Clinton. It’s what he told the Indians and Pakistanis to do if they built a nuclear bomb.”–Randy Heath
“An overly cautious tour guide at Disneyland’s new ‘Leper Colony Petting Zoo.’ “–Danny Spiegel
“McChastity the Abstinence Dog, urging kids to ‘take a bite out of masturbation.’ “–Floyd Elliot
“Damn, if I knew that my ears wouldn’t still be ringing, and my hand wouldn’t be in the beer cooler.”–Bill Franzen
“Adm. David Jeremiah’s advice to CIA agents on the off chance that they stumble upon important information.”–Daniel Radosh (Jonathan E. Snow had an answer that was similarly nostalgic for yesterday’s question.)
“Adorable NRA youth outreach gun safety mascot Snubby the Talking Revolver and his hilarious sidekick comic-relief buddies, Connie Concealed Weapon and Eddie Exit Wound. That’s Snubby’s advice on what to do when you come into the living room to find Charlton Heston naked on all fours sniffing your underpants, exhorting you, ‘Come back. I’ll not hurt you. I’m Moses!’ “–David Rakoff
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So many mascots, so little time. From McGruff the Crime Fighting Dog to Gerald the Inflation Fighting President, a slogan-spouting cartoon is a time-honored way to declare “We have no idea how to solve this important social problem, and we’re not even going to try.” “News Quiz” uses Coleridge the Poetic Drug-Addled Monkey and his slogan “The truly comic is the blossom of the nettle.” Coleridge (OK, it’s just me in the purple velvet suit with the big urethane head) visits schools, teaching kids to be succinct and to avoid overly familiar references such as “Monica,” “Viagra,” and “Michael Jackson.” I’m also appearing as one of the Drifters, with Touring Group 11, all day Saturday at the Holiday Inn in Nanuet, N.J., if our lawyer can get that injunction quashed. If you’re in the area, drop by and say hi.
Well-Regulated Answer Necessary to the Security of a Free State
As David Rakoff and many others know, it’s Eddie Eagle, the National Rifle Association cartoon character who has taught gun safety to 10 million children. Despite the recent blood baths, the NRA believes Eddie is the most effective way to prevent school children from shooting one another.
Meeting in Philadelphia, where it yesterday elected Charlton Heston its new president, the NRA said it resents the widespread belief that its members are dangerous fanatics. According to outgoing president Wayne LaPierre Jr., “It’s wrong, and it’s inaccurate, and that sticks in the craw of our members more than any other single point. It outrages Charlton.”
Eddie Eagle costumes are available to law enforcement officers (“Add excitement to your assemblies”) for $3,180. For more about Eddie Eagle, call (800) 231-0752 or visit the darkly amusing Web site nra.org.
“Let me just be very clear that the Republican Party will select a nominee that will beat Bill Clinton, and I’m convinced that that nominee will be one of the conservative–with a conservative philosophy, someone who believes in a smaller, more responsive government, somebody that wants to cut taxes.”–former Vice President Dan Quayle, on CNN’s Inside Edition, about the GOP presidential nominee in the year 2000, who, of course, will not be facing Clinton, who cannot run for another term (courtesy of Jack Hitt)
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