“I’d ‘I Do’ Dodi”: Di

Who said loyalty is dead? Trevor Rees-Jones, the bodyguard who is the only survivor of the car crash that killed Princess Diana, reportedly has been recovering his memory of the fateful night. Rees Jones now says he heard a female voice cry out for Dodi Fayed. He remembers seeing a white hatchback, similar to the mysterious Fiat Uno thought to have collided with Diana’s car, giving chase to Diana’s party. Finally he remembers that the driver of Diana’s Mercedes, Henri Paul, seemed sober, even though blood tests showed he had three times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood.

No one is more pleased than Chatterbox at Rees-Jones’s mending memory. Well, no one except possibly Dodi’s father (and Rees-Jones’ employer), department-store tycoon Mohamed Fayed, who paid the psychiatrist who has supervised Rees-Jones’ recovery. Besides feeding Fayed’s general feeling (not entirely unjustified) that the British establishment is out to get him, Rees-Jones’ memories might lessen the liability of the Fayed-owned Ritz hotel, which provided the inebriated driver.

Using mystical far-Eastern techniques, an antique Tesla coil, and a regimen of multivitamins, Chatterbox has extracted future recovered Rees-Jones memories and provides them exclusively to readers of this column:

“Yes, yes, it’s coming back to me now,…a white Fiat Uno driven by a papparazzi! And he’s yelling…what?…oh, yes, he’s yelling ‘we’re out to get you! Up with Labour!’…And I hear a woman’s voice–yes, it’s Diana. She’s saying ‘Dodi, I love you. And also your wonderful father. I so wish they’d give him citizenship!…All that silly talk about [garbled]…it’s so unfair…I’m dying …Tell everyone to shop at Harrod’s!’”