Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I live a life of keeping promises to all and meeting deadlines, demands, and requests for everyone in my life. I’m a mother and a wife, I have a full-time job, I’m working to get my commercial driver’s license (CDL) to drive a school bus because I was asked and can’t say no, I’m a member of the PTO, I’m a soccer coach for both my children’s teams, and I’m sure I’m missing something. The point is I can’t say no, I’m reliable, and I get it all done.
However, I can’t seem to make time for myself when I know I need it. I can’t seem to say no. I can’t seem to set goals for myself and keep them. I am able to do everything asked for me by everyone else but I can’t do the same thing for myself. I can’t set time aside and I can’t set a goal and make myself reach it. I need advice. I show myself all the grace but feel like I’m constantly letting down “me.” What am I doing wrong, or more so, what can I change to not only do what everyone else needs but what I need as well?
—I’m Reliable for Everyone But Myself
Dear Reliable for Everyone,
Wait a minute. You got a special license to drive a bus? I can totally imagine someone getting pressured into volunteering and coaching, but driving a bus? This is a little out of control. But, of course, you know that.
Thinking about how you operate reminded me of the work of Gretchen Rubin, the author of the book, The Four Tendencies. Her theory is that whether people are motivated by “outer expectations” (which come from others… like the expectation that you will obtain a license to drive a bus!) or their own inner expectations puts them in one of four categories: Obliger, Questioner, Upholder, or Rebel. You seem like the classic obliger—someone who’s motivated to accomplish things by the commitments they’ve made to others. Here’s how Rubin discussed Obligers in a piece about how they might approach New Year’s resolutions:
Obligers often say, “I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore because I never manage to keep them—I never make time for myself.” They’re discouraged because they’ve tried and failed in the past.
The solution is easy: Create outer accountability. Want to read more? Join a book group. Want to exercise? Join a class, work out with a trainer, meet a friend who expects company, think of the duty to be a role model for other people…there are hundreds of ways to build outer accountability. And that’s what Obligers need. It’s not a matter of motivation, setting priorities, putting themselves first; they must have outer accountability to meet inner expectations.
Do you have a friend who can depend on you (or at least pretend to depend on you!) to show up in person or on Zoom for work dates where you both work on your personal projects together? This person needs to be prepared to really guilt trip you if you back out. And they need to be more convincing than the other people who are inevitably going to try to get you to coach the local volleyball team, lead the Girl Scout troop, and volunteer as a crossing guard.
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Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been together for six years and our relationship has always been WORK. Although he is very thoughtful and intelligent, he is very critical of me. He often takes issue with my looks, the way I communicate, my weight, the things I like, etc. He will get into weird moods and confess that he doesn’t like an outfit I am wearing or is bothered by something that I did or said. It pains me that just being me causes him such distress. He is also always trying to tell me what to do, which is the biggest red flag for me. We have gone to counseling and have worked to improve our relationship, but our progress is minimal. I tolerate the mistreatment because ultimately he is a good man and our minimal progress is still progress.
—Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Dear Should I,
Let me hop onto my favorite and most well-worn soapbox and scream, “This isn’t the kind of work they were talking about when they said relationships are work!!” The sentence, “It pains me that me just being me causes him such distress” really broke my heart. You’re in pain and you don’t have to be. There’s a way out. After six years and counseling, you can say confidently that you’ve given this relationship the chance it deserves. (I mean, you probably also could have said that after six weeks, but that’s not where we are.)
Remember that someone can be thoughtful, intelligent, good, and even say they love you very much, and still not be the right partner for you. I can tell how attached you are, so I’m not going to tell you to break up right this minute because you won’t. Instead, get out a little notebook or the notes app on your phone and make a list of the way you’d like to feel in a relationship and the kind of things you’d like your partner to do. Just free-write. What would it feel like if your relationship was a 10 on a scale of one to 10? Then, each day, write down a score for the way you’re feeling as you spend your time being emotionally abused (yes, I do think it rises to that level) by this guy. Every day, take a minute to close your eyes and think about the gap (I think we can agree that there will be a gap!) between the experience you’d like to be having and whatever idiotic criticism you’re currently putting up with. After a month, look back and reflect. Do it for another month if you need to.
After three months, if you are not seeing frequent scores above seven or if you are seeing frequent scores under four, promise yourself that you will separate (you can think of it as a separation rather than a full breakup) for six months. No contact at all is allowed during this time! Tell three trusted friends to keep you accountable. If you miss him, go back to that list of failing scores to remind you how unhappy you were. My hope is that, using this process, one day you’ll wake up and not just believe, but actually feel, that dating someone who dislikes and is mean to you doesn’t hold much appeal.
Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast
Dear Prudence,
Since quarantine wound down, I’ve been making an effort to go traveling more, sometimes alone and sometimes with a friend or two. I have two local friends who I enjoy seeing for dinner or hangouts, and who keep asking me when I’ll plan a trip with them. The thing is, I do not want to travel with either of them at all. They are both kind of bad at making plans or taking care of themselves (i.e. wearing flip-flops in November and complaining about how cold they are). Whenever they run into even a small problem, they act completely helpless and expect someone else to fix it (i.e. if one of them loses their phone, they say, “I lost my phone” and stare expectantly at you to start looking). This is something I’m fine with when we’re just grabbing food locally, but I would find it incredibly irritating when stuck in a hotel room or on a plane with them. They’ve started getting pushier about making plans, especially if they ever catch wind from a mutual friend that I have travel coming up. Do I just keep dodging endlessly, or should I say something to ease them off?
—When You’re “Monthly Dinners” Friends Not “International Travel” Friends
Dear Not International Travel Friends,
You’re very smart to know that you can only travel with certain friends. Many people don’t realize that until they’re thousands of miles away from home, deeply annoyed with their companions, while also sharing a room and having to listen to them breathe at night. So congrats on having that self-awareness and the good sense to avoid a relationship-ending conflict over someone’s poor choice of footwear or expectation that you call down to the front desk and ask for an extra towel for them.
You should say something. But I am going to urge you to lie just a little. Not a huge lie. It’s really more of a choice about emphasis. Instead of saying, “You can’t come. I can’t travel with just everyone” your message should be, “You probably don’t want to come. Most people can’t travel with me.” Explain that you know you’re not a good fit as a companion for those who don’t share your vacation vibes (super independent and type A) and you have learned that your impatience can be off-putting to friends who are more chill. Yes “impatient” is standing in for “pretty reasonable” and “chill” is a huge and slightly dishonest euphemism for “irresponsible and incompetent.” But we’re trying to preserve the good feelings and monthly dinner dates here, so work with me.
Classic Prudie
I live in a huge apartment complex with about 500 tenants. I happen to live on the back side of the complex, with a window facing the dumpster in the alleyway. Many of the maintenance workers hang out in that alley when they’re not working. I’ve been working from home for six months now, meaning I spend way more time overhearing their conversations than I used to. They probably spend three to four hours a day just shooting the breeze. I’ve tried headphones and a white noise machine but neither block out the sound. I finally gave up and emailed management.
