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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 46-year-old male, very happily married. This is a second marriage for both of us, and we are compatible in every way imaginable. We have a tremendous sex life. We’re both adventurous in bed and are into exploring new and different ways to experience pleasure.
Because we were both sex-starved in our respective first marriages, we have chosen to make sex a priority in our lives. So we read a lot about sex and relationships, talk a lot about sex, and have a lot of sex. A while back, we started talking about a threesome, which is something I wanted to try since I was in my mid-20s. Brenda said she would, “Never say no to anything,” and if the opportunity presented itself, she could, “See herself getting into it.” However, in subsequent conversations, it became clear that she was not interested in having sex with another woman.
I totally get it and wanted to respect her boundaries and not press the issue. But then she said there was one way she thought she might be able to get into it. She listened to a podcast recently about sex parties, and that got her thinking that if we were in an anonymous situation where people were choosing to have sex all around us, she could see herself getting into it and, one, having sex with me in front of other people, which is pretty hot. And or two, being with me and another woman in that setting.
At first, I didn’t really like the idea, but the more I think about it and learn about sex parties, I want to give it a try. The problem is, how on Earth do you get invited to a sex party? We’ve read that the type of party we’re interested in tends to be invite-only. We live in a pretty rural area, and I assume these parties take place in more urban settings. Can you find sex parties online? Are there sex party apps? Are there virtual sex party options? Anything else we should keep in mind? We don’t really know where to start, help!
Rich: Once again, I’m thrust into straight people’s problems. And it feels like I’m traveling to another universe every single time.
Stoya: I am so sorry. Because yes, this is a very, I want to say bizarre situation. But actually, this is normal for the vast majority of people in the world, tragically.
Rich: Truly.
Stoya: So my first question, they started talking about a threesome. But she’s not interested in having sex with another woman.
Rich: Yes.
Stoya: Done. What? You can have threesomes with men.
Rich: I know.
Stoya: You don’t even have to touch their dicks.
Rich: He just totally glossed over that. That wasn’t even part of the equation at any point.
Stoya: I get that impression. I get that the possibility has not even come up.
Rich: And it’s so specific. She’s not interested in having sex with another woman, which makes me feel like she could be interested in having sex with another guy. So at that point, as the hornier party in the relationship, I feel like the most generous thing I can do to massage my way into getting what I want is to say, “Okay, we’ll try it your way. Let’s do that.”
Stoya: Yeah.
Rich: Maybe it’s fun. Maybe I’ll be into it. And then maybe you’ll think about it more and say, “That was fun. Okay, maybe I would like to try it with a woman.” And then I get what I want and everybody’s happy.
Stoya: If you don’t give a little, you’re not going to get a little when it comes to sex. Well, some people are notable exceptions, but they’re rare and they’re awful. Just think about a second dick, okay? Just consider, do you think you can be okay in the presence of another erect penis?
Rich: Well, if he’s going to a sex party, he better be.
Stoya: Right. And if you’re not okay with the idea of another man in a threesome, think about what a sex party is. It is not a seraglio. It is not a pile of courtesans just all waiting to put on a show. It’s a lot of people with hard dicks, chest hair, beards, and very little hair on their heads.
Rich: Yes.
Stoya: It is very, very masculine energy all over the place, in the bodies of people that have penises. Which are hard at that moment, often thrusting into other people. That is the goal.
I’m on such a tear.
So how on Earth do you get invited to a sex party? Many, many ways. Usually by meeting people. See, I’m also being thrust into straight people land here. I’m like, I don’t know. Personally, I walk outside. And if I hang out there for long enough, someone asks if I want to go to a sex party. And sometimes they know I’m Stoya, and sometimes they don’t.
Rich: What I think these people should do is look into swinging. Maybe swingers is not a term that they’ve Googled. Because I think that they’ll find that, sure, like anything, there’s more of it in urban areas. But there is a lot of flyover swinging that’s happening. And it’s very well organized. There are different websites that will tell you about different parties, different clubs, etc.
That’s how I would make this entry into my world. Otherwise, there are plenty of sex parties in New York, for example, for all kinds of genders that don’t require an invite. That may have certain standards that may be oppressive in certain ways, but you could theoretically walk into a venue and be there.
Stoya: But also, there are virtual sex party options. Right? Many of them. The ones coming to mind for me are like, there’s a platform called FreeQ. They’re very queer, I don’t think these two people would be welcome. That’s where I hosted a book club. But I imagine that there must be, even very long past lockdown, virtual sex party options that want heterosexual couples who don’t consider the possibility of a third, who’s a man.
I just, man. It’s simple economics. How many people who are women are interested in going to a sex party? Not as many as men.
Rich: It’s true.
Stoya: You’re going to have more men. But as for the things they should keep in mind, the list is extensive. Not just things they should keep in mind, but conversations that they need to have before they go to a place. Because if you go in with the idea of oh, let’s have a threesome, default assuming that would be with a woman. And then Brenda says she’d never say no to anything, which is terrifying. And that she could see herself getting into it, which is not even exactly a maybe.
Rich: Yeah, that is another issue for sure.
Stoya: And then it turns out she doesn’t want to have sex with a woman, but now she’s like, there’s one way she thinks she may be able to. This is all already showing me that I wouldn’t want to have a threesome with these people. I play therapist all day long at my day job, and I’m not qualified. And the last thing I want to do when I’m trying to actually have sex is deal with a couple that really needs a sex-positive licensed counselor.
Rich: Totally.
Stoya: But then to do that, not in a bedroom with a third person, but in the middle of a party. That’s going to be a really chaotic situation, and you might ruin your relationship, and you’re married, right?
Rich: Yes. I can think of no situation I’d like to be less, outside of the realm of torture, than to be in a group sex situation where there is something awry. Dicks are out and now somebody’s crying or is clearly just going along with it, or is awkward, or whatever. I absolutely hate that, and I would not recommend that to anybody.
People should be on the same page and comfortable. Again–and this is my thing now–set and setting. It’s what people say about psychedelics, and it’s true for sex. You should feel comfortable in your environment, and you should have a positive mindset. And if either of those things isn’t in line, you’re setting yourself up for failure and at least awkwardness, if not an argument or worse.
So please, everybody should be on board, happy with the situation. A little trepidation is of course, natural. But the overall guiding feeling should be, I am happy to be here and I’m looking to have a good time. You don’t have those things, it’s not going to happen. Or if it does happen, it’s a minor miracle.
Stoya: Yeah. But if you’re considering that maybe under this particular set of conditions that you’ve never experienced, you may be able to fake it ‘til you make it, that is not good.
Rich: No, not at a sex party. Certainly.
Just to backtrack, Killing Kittens. They do parties, they have online parties. Their organizing model is such that women are allowed to go and buy the tickets, and men are considered guests of women. So it’s a very kind of woman-forward environment that men literally have to be invited into. And I think that maybe something like that could make Brenda more comfortable, to have that kind of control. Maybe not, I don’t know. But it’s an option. And it seems like anything that kind of reduces the male influence in such an environment like this is a good thing.
Stoya: I’m going to go somewhere real weird with this.
Rich: Great.
Stoya: So maybe a month ago, I was on the phone with my best friend. And he’s a kind of centrist Democrat, who loves capitalism. And I told him, I don’t think capitalism has to be awful. It’s just the way it happens now is terrible. And he’s like, well, tell me what it could look like if it wasn’t terrible. So the summation of what I said is basically if it was capitalism that took into account the well-being of everyone involved at every level.
Then he was like, “You’re describing stakeholder capitalism. It’s Elizabeth Warren’s thing.”
To which I said, “What? I love Elizabeth Warren.”
He responds, “Yeah, you love Elizabeth Warren because what she wants capitalism to be is kind, and still efficient, but also functional for everyone involved. And she has a whole plan for that. Look up the Socialist Democrats, not Democratic Socialists, but Socialist Democrats.”
Then I go to my boyfriend and say, “You wouldn’t believe what [best friend] told me. There’s a thing called stakeholder capitalism.” He then tells me, “Yeah, that’s what I do.”
And I’m like, okay, great. How am I just finding out about this after all of my rantings about how terrible capitalism is? How has no one in my life ever told me that this stakeholder capitalism thing exists, which I can totally get behind? It’s literally my wishlist. I had no idea.
Rich: Yeah.
Stoya: Tell me what newsletter to sign up for. Anyway, so I think the best thing that this guy can do is do the same thing with Brenda. Say, “Hey, Brenda, what would you actually want? In any kind of group sex situation, what is your ultimate hope and dream?” And it might turn out that much like stakeholder capitalism, it just exists.
Rich: Yeah. I think that asking that question is useful as well. Because if the answer turns out to be, “I don’t know,” she’s going to be giving you a lot of data. And you’re going to be able to detect pretty early on whether she’s just going along with this because you want her to, or whether she has actual desire there.
And I think only in the event of the latter should you actually go forward with it. Because it’s just, at minimum, it’s going to be an argument if you get into a situation, and she’s uncomfortable and didn’t want to go in the first place. Save yourself the argument on the way home and just don’t do it. Just figure out another way.
Again, to your point, that other way might involve some extra dick in the bedroom. It could be worse. Your life could be way worse.
Stoya: And not just any dick. But also, economics, it’s going to be a lot easier to find the right dick than the right woman.
Rich: That’s very true.
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I love being bitten. I especially love being bitten at the joint between my shoulder and neck during sex. Nothing else turns me on so much. Biting, sucking, scraping teeth—I can’t get enough of it! However, I also bruise incredibly easily, and always have, to the point that during our wedding, my grandfather loudly commented on the finger marks on my shoulder from our (incredible, completely consensual, he-didn’t-even-grab-me-that hard) last night of premarital sex, and I had a long and very awkward conversation with my primary care doctor about how, yes, that bruise really was a very enjoyable acquisition and my husband is not hurting me.
