Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex-wife has always been a competitive person. I found it a cute personality trait when we were dating but as the years passed, it became one of the most irksome things about her. This did not stop when we got divorced. Ten years in, and she is still trying to “win the divorce.” This was most challenging right after the divorce when we were trying to learn to co-parent, but now it is just annoying. If I plan a vacation with the kids to a U.S. beach, she schedules one to Cancun. When I bought a bigger condo, she bought a massive house. When I bought a new car (a Subaru), she bought a Mercedes. Holidays and birthdays are over the top. The kids find it funny to relay back to their mom what we did during our time together to see how she will try to top it. It doesn’t stop at the things we do or the things I buy for them, she is also competitive with our social and professional life. The kids have told me the comments she has made about women I have dated (“he went from being married to a vice-president to dating someone’s assistant”) or the promotion I got (“he can thank me for that promotion because I was the one who made it possible for him to work so many hours”).
I mostly just ignore all of it and go about my life and either say “that’s interesting” or change the subject. I have told them I don’t need to hear the comments she makes about the people I date or the work I do. The issue is this competitive spirit seems to have rubbed off on my youngest. She is always trying to one-up her siblings and friends or making comparisons between them. Her 16-year-old sister recently failed her driver’s test and the youngest teased her about how their older brother passed on his first try. If we go play mini-golf, she will make comments about her score being better and gloat if she wins. She almost lost her best friend because she went too far in her competitiveness and hurt her friend’s feelings. I’ve tried to talk to her but I don’t know the right words to say. At the moment, it is not fun to be around her because everything is a competition. How do I kindly nip this in the bud before my daughter becomes my ex-wife?
—Life Isn’t A Competition
Dear Not a Competition,
In the interest of full disclosure, my toxic trait is that I’m as competitive as they come. In other words, if I’m participating in anything where there’s a winner, you can bet your rear end that I’ll do whatever it takes to be number one. However, I think what you’re describing with your ex is the behavior of a “one-upper.” In my mind, a competitive person must win against all opponents, while a one-upper must be “above” a specific person at all times. There’s a big difference.
Here’s the good news when dealing with a “one-upper” like your ex: It only works if she gets a rise out of you. I know you understand that because you’re ignoring all of the things she says about your life, and you’ve told your kids not to share her nonsense with you. She will probably continue her behavior as she has for the past decade, but she will only succeed in looking like a fool if you shrug it off.
I say all of this because the same rule applies to your youngest. If you teach your kids to not get worked up by her teasing, she will realize it’s not getting the desired effect. Additionally, there’s value in very sternly telling your child her behavior isn’t cute or funny and it won’t be tolerated. If you’re successful with both actions, she should change her ways eventually.
Last, but not least, you should talk to your ex about this. She probably doesn’t care at all about your feelings, but she should care that her daughter is acting out. If she has some self-awareness she may end up curbing her behavior. Based on my experience with people like her, it’s unlikely that she’ll change—but it’s certainly worth a try.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughters are 9 and 7. My older daughter does dance and she loves it. The director and teacher are both very kind people, if a little inept at times. There were a few hiccups in the beginning, since I’m a single dad. The first recital involved some pretty involved costumes that the kids needed help with, and the changing room specifically banned men because many girls would be uncomfortable with a man in their changing room, which I understood. That meant that my daughter needed to be helped by someone else’s mom, which she found really uncomfortable. After a talk with the director they solved that problem for future recitals by allowing us a small private changing room. The director has been open to feedback throughout.
However, the other parents are truly awful. I’m the only dad who regularly attends dance events or drops/picks up his kids from dance practice. The moms either treat me with disgust/suspicion that I’d be attending events, or the ones who know I’m a widower hit on me/try to flirt with me. Both are uncomfortable. Though I’ve talked to the director about it, her attempts to deal with this issue have all been futile. There’s also a ton of gossip. And I’ve heard loads of derogatory remarks made about other kids including fat-shaming and ableism. This isn’t a small minority of them, there’s only one other mom there who feels sane. The gossips don’t usually let the kids hear it, but sometimes word gets out.
My younger daughter sees how much fun her sister has with dance and desperately wants to join. Not only am I not going to let her join, I’m probably going to yank her sister out of this program after the school year ends. Maybe we’ll find another dance studio. She’s made a lot of friends at the dance program, and I don’t want to badmouth her friends’ parents. How can I explain my decision to her?
—Dad Is Done With Dance
Dear Done With Dance,
I think you need to reframe this without centering yourself. My young daughters have been playing basketball for the past seven years, and trust me when I tell you that a good number of the parents I see regularly at games and practices are not on my Christmas list, to put it nicely. I mean, do you get along with all of your coworkers, neighbors, etc.? If you do, consider yourself to be in the fortunate minority. If not, you probably wouldn’t quit your job or move to a new city because of it—so why choose the nuclear option on your child by making her stop participating in dance recitals?
Your daughter loves dance and it would be horrible to take that away from her just because some of the dance moms are awful. Keep in mind, the same stuff can happen if you move to a new studio and your daughter would deal with the pain of losing friends from where she currently is. It doesn’t seem worth it to me.
Instead of making this about your relationship with the other parents, you should use this as an opportunity to show your daughter that you’re not going to run away when things get tough, awkward, or difficult. You found a solution to one problem by finding a private changing room, and I’m sure you will handle any other issue that you come across. Again, you don’t have to be besties with the other parents—just support your kid, ignore the gossip, and go home. That’s the routine I follow for every basketball game I attend for my daughters.
As long as your daughter is having fun and the dance director is doing a good job, I don’t see any reason to pull her out of it.
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From this week’s letter, Our Friends Offered Us a Much-Needed Place to Stay. Then We Found Out Who They Really Are.: “Since then, we have not been invited to their family events and running into them at another event was really awkward.”
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 6-year-old son has so many toys in our house. It’s to the point where the floor in his room is almost covered because there’s no place to put them away. Every time I ask him if I can donate a toy to charity, he says “no” and gets really angry. He hasn’t even played with many of the toys I’m referring to! I’m so tired of seeing such a mess in his room. Help!
—Toys Gotta Go
Dear Toys Gotta Go,
I’ll keep this brief. It may be a problem that the toys are on the floor in his room, but the bigger problem is that you’re asking a 6-year-old for permission to do what’s right.
You’re the adult here—you need to flat-out tell him that you’re getting rid of a certain percentage of toys and he has the opportunity to choose 5, 10, 15 (whatever number you choose) toys to stay. Personally, I wouldn’t even give my kids the opportunity to choose—I would just grab the toys that I know aren’t being used and donate them while they’re in school. In fact, I’ve done that before, and they never even noticed the toys were gone. I strongly suspect the same will be true in your house.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My best friend’s 10-year-old son constantly curses at her, and it drives me insane. It’s not rare for him to call her a “stupid b*tch” or other horrible names. She’s a single mom and her son’s father isn’t in the picture, so I know she’s overwhelmed. The problem is she allows this to happen! She just sighs or weakly tells him to stop, and none of that is effective. I don’t have kids, so I know it would be weird for me to give her advice, but it’s so heartbreaking to watch. What can I do to help?
—Don’t Talk to Your Mom That Way
Dear Don’t Talk,
It is indeed heartbreaking to see children being outwardly disrespectful to their parents, but from what I’ve witnessed, it’s not because they’re “bad kids.” More often than not, these children are acting out because they’re crying for help.
I don’t doubt for a second that this mother is overwhelmed, so maybe you can offer to babysit her son while she enjoys some self-care. This would also serve as a nice experiment to see if he’s as disrespectful towards you as he is to your friend. If he’s polite to you, then at least you’ll know that he harbors strong resentment towards his mom and the next step will be to find out why.
Either way, this boy needs to be evaluated by a mental health professional as soon as possible, because he clearly needs help. Not to mention, your friend should speak with a therapist so she can determine why she’s allowing her son to speak to her that way. You can suggest those ideas to her and even offer your babysitting services again so she can attend therapy, or to help find the right professionals, and hopefully she’ll take you up on it.
She’s not in need of parenting advice, she’s in need of support for herself and her son. Do whatever you can to ensure they both get what they need.
— Doyin
More Advice From Slate
When I was young I was married briefly. I did not want children, and thought I’d made that clear to my husband. I accidentally got pregnant, and he was thrilled. Against my better judgment I had the baby, with the understanding that he would take care of it. I did not like motherhood and when the girl was 2 years old, I divorced her father and moved out of state. I recently got a letter from her saying she would like to meet. When the young woman visits I intend to introduce her as a niece. What do you think?
