How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have run into a problem that is causing a shocking amount of conflict. I take too long to orgasm—or maybe she just finishes too quickly? She isn’t really all that into physical foreplay, she mostly likes to talk dirty, kiss a little, and go straight into penis-in-vagina intercourse. But then she orgasms within five minutes or less. Often much less. And once she orgasms she loses any and all interest in sexual contact of any kind. What’s even worse is that if I DON’T orgasm before her, she gets actively angry and resentful and says it makes her feel less sexy and as if I’m not into it. But for me, sex was always a long involved dance involving multiple positions and usually going 20 to 30 minutes. Even if I’m rushing as much as possible, it’s just physically difficult to get off that fast, especially with foreplay not including too much touching. She just says that my taking longer is proof I wasn’t into it or enjoying myself.
She had been with three other guys before and swears that they all couldn’t last even five minutes with her and she never even considered going longer because no one was able to. She takes it personally that I can’t get off quicker and doesn’t believe me when I say it’s damn near impossible to get off that quickly. I try to explain my sexual preference for longer bouts and she just says it’s all male ego and I want to show off how long I can last rather than enjoy sex. It’s led to our sex life decreasing in frequency every month because she is becoming increasingly more bitter every time I explain I can’t orgasm that quickly even if I’m treating it like a race to achieve orgasm, and don’t enjoy it that quickly anyway—so now she just won’t initiate.
We tried a sex therapist who said we are both valid in our desires for sex a certain way, but we should make getting ourselves to completion our own duty and not worry about if the other person gets off. But this has just led to my wife saying I’m not “trying hard enough” to get off, saying I didn’t take the therapist to heart, and again accusing me of not being into her. So I’m looking for any advice on how to talk to her about this that may help change the dynamic.
—Second Place Finisher
Dear Second Place Finisher,
I envy your therapist. It’s always a dicey proposition to advise based on the one-sided account of a conflict, especially when the absent party is so irrational as to strain credulity. Not that I think you’re lying! It’s more like: I cannot stand your wife’s behavior (no offense, she’s still your wife). If you’ve given me an accurate account of your issue and haven’t left out any crucial details, there is no way for me to see her side. I agree with your therapist that she is entitled to her taste, but everything she is doing to satisfy it is wrong. She is being selfish and counterproductive—a great way to get someone not to perform sexually, particularly when physiology beyond that person’s control is a factor, is to pressure them. She is not even attempting to reckon with the idea that bodies vary and there’s a wide range of sexual response and performance that often has nothing to do with the other person in bed. Her logic, caustic as it is, doesn’t even square. She says you and your body’s apparent preference for 20-30 minute sessions (which, statistically speaking and to her point, is well above average, but anecdotally speaking, is a perfectly reasonable duration for intercourse, at least in my experience) is “all male ego” and that you’re showing off. But why would you be insisting on showing off to someone who is unimpressed by the display? Why would you be wearing like an asset what your partner considers a debit? It doesn’t even make sense!
If anyone should be bitter here it’s you, and yet, here you are, eager to find a way to communicate. Your benevolence in turning the other cheek makes me wonder if you feel appreciated generally, or whether this is your way of coping with unfair treatment. Is the power dynamic you describe, in which you calmly attempt to explain something only to be questioned and brow-beaten, present elsewhere in your dynamic? Is there any reason you can justify to continue receiving such shoddy and inconsiderate treatment?
I think the way to talk about this further is with calmness and firmness: “This is who I am. This is how my body works. If nothing about my physiology changes, how do you foresee our dealing with it?” You seem a lot less disturbed by the temporal discordance of your orgasms—maybe the solution is she gets hers with you and you masturbate to orgasm either with or without her. That’s a practical solution for a situation that may have to remain lopsided. But you can’t continue being berated by her for something that is beyond your control. It’s simply unfair. I don’t know how you advance without her worldview expanding—you could try to educate her by pointing out that a universal standard for male sexual response is impossible given humanity’s great variation. We live in a big world where some people deal with premature ejaculation, and some people deal with (basically) the opposite issue: delayed ejaculation. You don’t really qualify for the latter (it generally describes people with penises who take more than 30 minutes to come), but perhaps pointing out that both of these conditions exist and happen to guys who are into their partners and enjoy sex might open her mind? However, I fear for you that asking her to reason might be too tall an order. Good luck.
Dear How to Do It,
I’ve been dating through apps and have met some wonderful people, one person in particular that I’m talking to more seriously… but I have previously led a couple I know onto the idea of a threesome. I’ve participated in these trysts before with other couples, so it’s not the idea of the threesome that I struggle with; the problem is the people I’m interested in dating would not be likely to support me participating in this activity. It could potentially risk a developing relationship. (I can be both monogamous and non-monogamous, depending on the relationship.)
My instinct is to placate my own current desires, which means backing out of my offer with the couple—again—but I also have an internal allegiance to that offer. We’ve been talking about the threesome for a while, but never set up a date for one reason or another and the pressure is really on with all the spare time we have now. One part of me just wants to do the threesome to uphold my end of the bargain (and it would be fun!), but the other part feels that’s not truthful to potential serious partners because I would ultimately not tell them that I had been with that couple. What do I do?!
—Ménage à Trois Mayhem
Dear Ménage à Trois Mayhem,
Everyone has their own standards for when shit gets real and the other person in your life becomes a significant other, but I’m not convinced that you’re there yet with the one you describe. “One person in particular that I’m talking to more seriously,” does not seem like someone that you yet owe anything to in terms of time and fidelity. A lot of people date around, keeping a few people in rotation. Then, once things get more serious, they may elect to focus on that one person if monogamy is what you’re doing/feels right. Right now it doesn’t even seem like you have enough information to confirm that if things do get more serious with the person that you’re talking to, you’ll for sure be monogamous with them. Your trepidation seems based on inference: “The problem is the people I’m interested in dating would not be likely to support me participating in this activity. It could potentially risk a developing relationship.”
Until you know that they wouldn’t want you to take part in the threesome, or have agreed that you’re in a monogamous arrangement, you are free to take part in the threesome. However, if the threesome doesn’t feel right or if you think you’ll carry guilt after it, I don’t think you should do it. It’s just sex. (Note: You aren’t obligated to the couple either, no matter how much you’ve discussed a potential sex session.) If you want to focus on your romantic prospects right now over your sexual ones, it’s totally cool and understandable, but do that for you.
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Dear How to Do It,
I am a 30-something cis gay male in a nearly 10-year relationship with the same. My partner is the most caring, attractive, and sexually generous person I have ever been with. The downside? We are just so different sexually it is ridiculous, and have gotten only more so over the years. I don’t know if it’s something to fix or if I need to be grateful for what we have.
From our discussions, his sexual behavior stems in part from baseline lower sex drive—part from self-esteem (career and body image), and part from health (mental and physical). He says he just doesn’t feel sexy anymore and doesn’t know why I would find him sexy. I am trying to help in all those areas. He is kind enough to satisfy me every one to two weeks, and considers that “often.” He always declines my offer to do the same.
Meanwhile, I find myself masturbating every other day or more to stay sane (I have gotten VERY adept at that over the years). I consider myself to have a broad palate and an open mind; a sexually liberated person. I regularly woo, beg, or bargain for something, anything new, but nothing works. I have to get more and more creative in my “personal“ time, whereas our sexual relationship really deserves the attention more. The less sex we have, the more we bicker—it’s pretty clear to me.
I have had a few flirtations with other men over the years (not always very considerate of my partner, I admit), and thought maybe an open relationship would be a solution. I’d rather he be my all, but that’s not ever realistic, I know. Unfortunately, he is deeply morally and personally opposed, and I’ve promised not to ask again. Well, much to my chagrin, lately I find him up at ungodly hours jerking to something or other on his phone, next to me in bed. Quite a few times shortly after he got me off and declined my advances! He says he finds me attractive and just doesn’t need sex the same as me, but it seems that is not quite true. He also does not like talking about porn or masturbation or sex in general. I mean, for god’s sake man! Is there anything to be done to improve our sex life? Am I wrong to think this is dysfunctional and unhealthy? Is it time for a professional, and how to get him to go along? I am sometimes so close to giving up on that aspect of our life together, but then he shows me a glimmer of hope. It’s enough to drive a person crazy.
—Square Hole to a Round Peg
Dear Square Hole,
Does your partner know how dire things are from your perspective? Have you told him that you’re this close to giving up on the sexual aspect of your relationship, and, by monogamous extension, your own sex life? Maybe it’s time to stop being polite and start getting real. This is not where you want to be, and unfortunately, you’re going to stay there as long as he remains closed off.
For that reason, I do think it’s time for counseling. Here’s your pitch: “You are the most caring, attractive, and sexually generous person I have ever been with. I want to stay with you, but this prospect is increasingly tricky because of the state of our sex life. I need more somehow, and I’d like to talk about our options with a counselor.” Hopefully, he agrees and through this process, you can get more clarity on what’s going on with him. The issues he has discussed with you regarding self-image do certainly fit the profile of someone who’d be less interested in sex. That said, keep in mind that sex with others and masturbation are two discrete activities, not necessarily in concert with each other. Sure, they often are, but I would like to suggest a scenario in which he’s telling you the truth: He doesn’t really want sex for whatever combination of factors, but he does enjoy (or feel compelled to experience) sexual release. If his self-consciousness is distracting him during sex, well, you can see how masturbation might be a refuge.
Of course, this is all a mystery because of how tight-lipped he is. I think you need more transparency from him, and I don’t really see this working out well if he’s not allowing you to play with other guys. He’s effectively put a damper on your sexuality. It’s not tenable and if you go along with it, you may encounter a day in the future when you look back and wish that you hadn’t. I think this relationship very much deserves a shot at resuscitation, but keep your eye on it. When it’s dead, you should walk away.
Dear How to Do It,
My hubby of 20-plus years and I had an FFM threesome about 18 months ago and it was awesome. Since then we’ve explored the swing scene, but we weren’t really on the same page… I was after other girls, and most other girls come partnered, and he’d prefer to be the one guy in the room. After much discussion and some dissatisfying experiences with him, I told him I’m out of the swing thing for now. But I’m still really intrigued by sex with women. I had one short friend-with-benefits fling, but hubby got jealous because it was hot and heavy between me and her, but he was not involved. But then it got messy when she got possessive and developed feelings for me (and what felt to me like odd expectations). So, questions…
1) How do I get to explore this area of intrigue with other women, when all I’m really looking for is physical fun?
2) How do I do it in a way that’s acceptable to hubby even though it may not involve him because it’s not 100 percent my decision if a female partner of mine is into a threesome with him?
—Treading Lightly
Dear Treading Lightly,
A lot of casual sex is brokered via apps these days, so I’d try that avenue first. I sound like a broken record pumping out the sweet sounds of consensual nonmonogamy with the frequency in which I recommend Feeld in this column but I’m playing it again, Sam: I recommend using Feeld, which tends to attract a crowd that would be more likely to get your situation.
As for your second question, your husband has to answer it. The terms of openness are something nonmonogamous couples need to discuss and decide together. Keep in mind that these terms are subject to change and, unfortunately for you and your loins, should be tailored to the person in the relationship who’s most sensitive about this stuff (i.e. your husband). His answer to the question may be, “You can’t do this in a way that’s acceptable for me.” He may insist that you only play together, effectively eliminating the partners that are into you and not him, and may not be willing to take one for the team. If he’s already shown signs of jealousy, be prepared to receive heavy restrictions on your extracurricular play, if he agrees to it at all.
—Rich
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