Dear Prudence is online weekly to chat live with readers on Mondays at noon ET. Read part 1 of the chat here. Read part 2 below.
Q. Gift Guilt: I struggle with guilt. I have my entire life, but it has gotten worse the older I get. If my parents ever mention, even in passing, how much they spent on something for me, like a vacation or classes as a kid, then I would no longer be able to enjoy it because I would be filled with anxiety about what a burden I was. I also struggle with guilt about gifts. For example, when I graduated college, my parents gave me a computer program for people who want to write scripts. It was what I really wanted at the time. However, life and chronic illness got in the way, and my dreams changed.
Now it’s been almost 10 years, and I’ve never even opened it. Part of me thinks I could sell it to someone who would use it (obviously at a discount because of its age), and then it would go to a good home. But I feel so guilty about the idea of not using it. It sits on my shelf right now, and I can’t get rid of it and I can’t use it. I feel frozen with indecision. Logically, I don’t think my parents would even care, but I feel ungrateful for even considering getting rid of it. How do I deal with this?
A: *Tiptoes over to unofficial therapist’s chair* Have you ever talked to someone about whether you might be living with depression? When I read your letter, I’m not getting “gift guilt” as the theme. I’m getting “dark, negative feelings about my worth, what I deserve, what I’ve achieved, my ability to make decisions, and the kind of person I am.” As if there’s a “things are bad and I’m bad” filter on your picture of your own life. I could go on and on about how you deserved the things you received as a child, how being a recent college grad who doesn’t quite write the script they dreamed of writing is completely normal, and how it’s okay to let the program gather dust for a while or find a recipient who would really love it. But I don’t think any of that reassurance would get at the real issue, which is that you deserve to feel better and lighter. Ask a friend for help with the (admittedly daunting) process of finding a therapist. That’s the best gift you can give to yourself.
Q. Give Me One Reason to Stay: My boyfriend and I have been together for nine years. We (mostly I) have been talking about marriage for three years. He has bought a ring. I think he has had it since November 2022. While in grad school and while in a different city for work, we opened our relationship. I asked him over six months ago why he hasn’t proposed. He said, “There just hasn’t been the right moment because you left for grad school and for work.” I’ve not brought up him proposing again because I wanted to give him space/time to do it on his own.
I am currently in a different city than him because I got a dream job. I’m thinking about staying here and breaking up with him OR moving back, working remotely, and hoping he eventually proposes. I feel hurt and insecure that he hasn’t asked me yet. For reference, I’m in my early-30s and he is a few years older. I’d feel really bad for hurting him, both emotionally and financially (we bought a couch together for his apartment, where he expects me to move back to in six months, and he bought a ring). But I’m tired of waiting. He knows this and keeps me waiting. Should I stay or should I go?
A: Go. The communication between the two of you is terrible. If he wanted to propose, he could buy a ticket on Spirit Airlines for next to nothing and do it in person tomorrow. Repeat after me: “I will not choose my life path based on having purchased a couch!”
Q. Dog Gone: I have a minor phobia of dogs. My stepfather kept Great Danes and encouraged them to jump and “hug” people. I am barely 5’2. The family would always laugh when I got pushed down or pushed out of my own bed by these dogs. I was never bitten, but I hate, hate, hate any dog jumping on me or getting on my furniture. I have two roommates. One is dating “Kylie,” who brings her rescued small dog over. All. The. Time. He jumps on everything including me. It is like nails on a chalkboard. Kylie finds it funny when I push her dog away or gets angry when I tell her that the dog needs to get off my futon. All the living room furniture is mine.
I finally put my foot down and told my roommate that the dog had to go. They told me the dog needed to be with Kylie because it has an attachment disorder and will freak out without Kylie. I told them to hang out at Kylie’s then. Kylie lives at home with her five brothers and they have zero privacy. I said too bad, so sad, no dog. We got into an argument but our other roommate backed me up and said that until Kylie paid rent, she doesn’t get a say. Kylie has since been obnoxiously passive-aggressive like getting up off the living room furniture and apologizing for daring to sit on it when I come into the room. I have tried ignoring her but it is getting to me. Please help!
A: How are your acting skills? Can you try to hide the fact that it’s getting to you? Your being bothered is what’s keeping her going. Ugh, I know I sound like the unhelpful mother of a third-grader who is being bullied. But I promise, don’t react and she will eventually get tired of doing this act. Also, good job standing up for yourself! Roommate life is tough and you’re doing the best you can.
Q. Choosing Not to Booze: I’m nearly six years sober and have generally found my friends and family to be supportive. I can definitely be around people while they are drinking, but if people get super intoxicated, I am uncomfortable. My best girlfriend of nearly 30 years, “L”, is generally not a huge drinker. Recently, she has gotten very serious with a new guy in another state. She had mentioned that he drinks a lot, but when I finally met him last month at my own house, I was shocked.
My husband and I had made a nice dinner—homemade dessert, flowers, candles, etc.—for her and the boyfriend even though we were just back from an international trip and the super-jet lagged. We wanted to roll out the red carpet since she really seems to be in love with this guy. They showed up already a bit buzzed, and the boyfriend brought a fifth of bourbon and proceeded to drink the entire thing during the dinner party and then down a few beers as well. “L” had a bottle of wine to herself. The conversation was terrible…it veered between him repeating jokes and her giggling, and both of them criticizing other people including her own children. It was nearly impossible to discern anything about the guy. It was one of the worst nights of my sobriety—I felt triggered and uncomfortable, and couldn’t wait for them to leave.
My friend called me several times over the next few days, wanting an opinion of the guy, and I felt really torn. I finally called her back and said he seemed nice, but that they were so drunk it was hard for me to get to know him. That’s when things really went south—she got angry and said, “You’re a hypocrite…I saw you drunk plenty of times over the years. And besides, you were pretty out of it last night.” That was a month ago, and we haven’t spoken since—it’s sent me back to active AA participation and just has me really upset. I don’t think we can be friends anymore if she can’t respect my reasonable boundaries, which are essentially, “Don’t get completely trashed around me and insult my sobriety.” If I go back to drinking, it’ll kill me, and she seems to not understand that, even though she was supposedly my closest friend. What do you advise?
A: You messed up by focusing on your assessment of your friend’s boyfriend—and coming off as pretty judgmental—instead of just being vulnerable and honest. You should have said, “He seems to be really into you! I have to be honest, you know I’m working on my sobriety, and while I can be around people who are drinking, it’s tough and uncomfortable for me when it gets past a certain point. It’s definitely my issue to work through. But just because of where I am right now, it would probably be better for us to hang out in a less boozy situation next time. Anyway, tell me more, how are things with you guys?”
Get the advice of a trusted mentor in AA, sit on it for a little bit, and then go back to your friend with a clearer message—one that’s about you and your needs as a recovering alcoholic, not your counting her boyfriend’s drinks.
Q. Living Room, Bed Room, What’s the Difference?: My wife and I sleep in different rooms for many reasons. My bedroom doubles as the playroom and the room to the backyard. When we have guests over, should I be dressing it up as a living room? Admitting we sleep separately? Not addressing it?
A: What will people think if they know you sleep separately? Honestly, probably something like: “Oh yeah, lots of couples do that. Maybe someone snores, maybe they go to bed at different times, or maybe they like different temperatures at night. Anyway, I wonder when they’re serving dinner… ” This is not a big deal and is nothing you need to hide, at all.
Jenée Desmond-Harris: That’s all for today (and for the foreseeable future!) I’ll see you elsewhere on the internet. Have a great week!
More Advice From Slate
My boyfriend and I have been living together for four years, and purchased our home together two years ago. He has a 7-year-old son, “Mikey,” whom we have a little less than half of the time. When it comes to the possibility of our own marriage and children, we have remained in a state of ambiguity, with neither of us really for or against it. Through the process of helping to raise Mikey, I’ve begun to realize that my partner and I have some fundamental differences in regard to child rearing.
