This is an excerpt from the Dear Prudence podcast. This week, actor LeVar Burton joined Jenée Desmond-Harris to answer your questions. You can listen to the rest of the episode here.
Q. Snack Attack: I suffer from low blood sugar so I keep a variety of snacks on me. My co-worker, “Jane,” is a lovely person. Her daughter, “Nora,” is not. Jane can’t drive so Nora picks her up after picking up her kids from school. I gave one of the kids a snack once; now Nora expects me to feed them every time they are here!
I already have explained that I need these snacks for my health. Nora just rolled her eyes at me and said, “Sharing is caring.” I have moved my snacks to a locked drawer and repeatedly told the kids they can’t have any. Nora still encourages her kids to come over and whine for food. She does it in this sing-songy sugary tone: “Oh, maybe Ms. Grump will be nice and share her snacks. Why don’t you ask her?” I have complained to Jane. She will try to redirect her grandkids but the issue keeps popping up. At this point, I feel like I am going to pop and have serious words with Nora. There is no HR. The company only has 20 employees and my boss is very hands-off. Please help!
Help! My Co-Worker Repeatedly Ignores My Boundaries.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice podcast, where Prudie responds to your questions about relationships at home, work, and beyond. Join Jenée Desmond Harris and a guest each week as they offer helpful answers to your problems. Listen every Friday on Slate or your podcast player of choice.
Jenée Desmond-Harris: So I’ve said time and time again that I’m much more comfortable answering questions from people who are in an awkward situation and need just the right words to express themselves or in a sensitive situation than I am giving advice to people who are dealing with someone who’s just shameless, who just doesn’t care about being rude and demanding. And I believe that’s what we’re dealing with with the co-worker here. It’s tricky because there are children involved and I wonder, LeVar, do you have a soft spot for the kids here or do you think they need to be cut off?
LeVar Burton: I think that the children are actually pawns in this situation and shame on grandma for using them as such. I think there’s something else going on in this dynamic between the mother of her friend and the letter writer. Because I don’t think this is about snacks. I think this is about boundaries and this woman needs to obviously establish better boundaries and maybe I think have a conversation with her friend.
She says that she’s tried to redirect the energy of her grandchildren, but it hasn’t worked. Well, honey, if they’re going to be in our space, then they have to come correct. And that is, I think it’s the family’s responsibility, mom, grandma, somebody’s got to really be the adult in this conversation and put a stop to what is low-key harassment over snacks.
Jenée: So I came up with a little bit of a script. Tell me if you think it’s direct and boundary-setting enough.
LeVar: Okay.
Jenée: Nora, can we talk? Please stop pressuring me to give your grandchildren snacks. It makes me uncomfortable when you encourage them to beg. This may not be a big deal to you, but it is to me. Do you understand what I’m saying?
LeVar: Wow. That’s awesome. That is awesome.
Jenée: Really? Thank you.
LeVar: No, seriously, could you read that again? Because that’s like amazing.
Jenée: Nora, can we talk? Please stop pressuring me to give your grandchildren snacks. It makes me uncomfortable when you encourage them to beg. This may not be a big deal to you, but it is to me. Do you understand what I’m saying?
LeVar: Wow. It’s open, it’s honest, it’s direct. It is non-judgmental and non-blaming. And I think at the end you hit them with, “Do you understand, are we on the same page here?” Right?
Jenée: Right. You need confirmation.
LeVar: Yes, you need confirmation. Are we in the same moment? Right?
Jenée: Right. Here, I just want to give you my other options I came up with for dealing with this.
LeVar: Oh, you have other options?
Jenée: Yeah. The second one would be the casual boundary setting, which is when the children come up digging in your drawer, you say, “Sorry, I don’t have anything.” You put your headphones on, you go back to work.
LeVar: That’s like the subtle shade. Subtle—
Jenée: The subtle shade.
LeVar: Subtle but communicative.
Jenée: I think I have one that’s like less subtle shade too. This is the passive-aggressive technique. “Sorry kids. I don’t have any snacks for children. But here’s a pen and paper. Let’s make a list of what you’d like your grandma to get for you. She’ll have them next time you come because she doesn’t want you to be hungry.”
LeVar: All in a sing-songy voice. I think that’s awesome.
Jenée: Yeah. And then finally, the devious plan. I have espresso beans and some little chocolates filled with liquor. Nora, is it OK for them to dig in?
LeVar: I got some crack over here in my bottom drawer, is this good grandma?
Jenée: But you think direct is best?
LeVar: I thought direct was clear and direct. You can’t go wrong. Because if she’s a reasonable human being at all, she has to meet you in that moment. It’s an invitation to be a grownup.
Jenée: Right. You don’t have to give out anymore. You have some options for things to say. I want to be clear that you should not actually give them the chocolates filled with liquor, even if she says yes.
LeVar: Or the crack.
Jenée: Or the crack. Probably hold off on that. But yeah, I hope this works out only because you do have to be able to do your job and work is not the most important thing, but it is a thing that takes up a lot of our days. And you want to be able to do it without too much tension with the person sitting next to you.
LeVar: Who wants tension in the workplace? Not that it doesn’t—
Jenée: Nobody.
LeVar: … exist, but you don’t need extra.
Jenée: Exactly.
You can listen to the rest of this week’s Dear Prudence episode here.
