Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I recently hosted an event at my house. My best friend came with her husband and children, 4 and 6, who I love very much. I had never seen these children outside of their own home (thanks, COVID) and I was surprised at their behavior. I was even more shocked by the response (or lack thereof) from their parents. They were running around, throwing my child’s toys, and even hanging from my banister. When I tried to redirect, the children either told me “no” or the parents made some excuse. Even when I said I was worried they’d get hurt, they didn’t seem concerned as “it happens at our house all the time.”
Their father also laughed at their antics, and I had to firmly tell one of the children what I expected him to do (pick up the toys and hand them to me—do not throw them in the air and let them fall to the ground), which he did. The parents were strict on certain things, like making them say please and thank you when they wanted something, but they were lax with other situations. My best friend means the world to me, but I don’t know how to approach this, or subsequent get-togethers, as my husband doesn’t want them in our house again, and the other guests were equally vocal to me. Any advice on how to handle this situation without losing my best friend?
—Not On The Same Page
Dear Not On The Same Page,
Parenting is such a personal and sensitive topic. Women in particular are constantly scrutinized for every parenting decision we make, and we often find ourselves judged by society no matter what we choose. The few times an online stranger dared to say something critical about my parenting, it felt like a low blow, so I’m having a hard time imagining a situation in which your friend would respond positively to feedback on hers.
Also, there’s a world of difference between parenting an infant and parenting 4- and 6 year olds. Most of us come into parenting with a lot of preconceived notions about how we’ll handle certain situations that simply don’t hold up to reality when we get there. Just ask all those moms who had the best intentions to feed home-blended organic baby food to their cloth-diapered baby who had obviously never so much as heard of a screen. You may find you have a different perspective once your own little bundle of joy is old enough to hurl toys at a party.
Either way, if the kids are really that stressful to deal with, I’m sure your friend is aware of it, and the last thing she needs is to be shamed for it by someone who is supposed to be on her team. Remember that despite your different approaches, you and your friend (and most parents in the world) are just trying to do the best you can for your kids. What are friends for, if not extending grace toward one another? And in this case, tolerating one another’s children even when we find them less than delightful.
If you really don’t feel you can do that, perhaps you can steer your friendship into safer territory by focusing on all the other reasons you were friends before you were “mom friends.” Talk about which looks were whack at the Met Gala, the last book you read, which of your partners’ little habits drive you crazy—anything but your kids. And if you or your husband really can’t deal with having the kids in your home, discreetly redirect your meetups to outside activities like going to a movie, getting a pedicure together, or sharing a beverage once the kids are in bed. Parenting feels all-consuming when you’re in it, but it goes by quickly, and your kids won’t be running around the house forever. It would be a shame to lose a meaningful friendship over a developmental stage that will likely be over before you know it.
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From last week’s letter: I Really Want Kids, but My Husband’s Time-Consuming Hobby Might Get In the Way. “There’s one thing that really concerns me; something I fear may change the future of our would-be family.”
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’ll call my daughter Allie for convenience. Allie is 10 and in 4th grade. She’s normally a very calm, peaceful kid. Yesterday at dinner, she was complaining about something that happened in class that eventually turned into a long teary rant about how much she hates being short. She has to stand on her tiptoes all the time just to see things, her friends and peers treat her like a little kid, everyone assumes she’s the youngest even though she’s the middle child, and sometimes at recess, other kids apparently think it’s fun to pick her up since she’s so light.
She’s never brought any of this up before. We’re concerned about people at recess picking her up without her permission, and that’s something we’ll definitely be contacting the school about. I find it alarming that not only is it happening quite often, but none of the recess monitoring people have noticed or bothered to do anything about it. I also plan on encouraging Allie to tell people about it when it does happen.
My husband and I adopted her when she was an infant, so while we usually call her our daughter, she’s technically my niece. My family are all average-sized and my husband’s family is quite tall, so our biological kids, who are 8 and 12, are both quite a bit taller than Allie. Her dad (my brother) is average height, but his wife was quite short, and Allie definitely takes more after her mother. She’s consistently one of the shortest people in her class.
I never thought about this before, but I can imagine in the next few years, her friends will start aging into trendy tween clothes and it might be difficult to find them in Allie’s size, especially if she ends up being later to puberty than her peers. I’ve never really dealt with these feelings and I want to help her.
—Stature Issues
Dear Stature Issues,
Being bullied and singled out for any physical difference, including height, can be an extremely painful experience.
I agree that you need to contact the school, since nobody should be touching (or lifting!) your daughter without permission. I also agree you should encourage Allie to speak up for herself and to seek help from an adult when her boundaries aren’t respected.
But since you can’t eliminate bullying altogether, it’s important to help Allie build a positive self-image and self-esteem around her body. What about getting her involved in a sport or other physical activity to help her develop confidence in her body’s abilities? There are lots of activities (like soccer, baseball, track, and swimming) where being small isn’t a disadvantage and some—gymnastics, cheerleading, ballet—where it can even be an asset. You can also help build her confidence by introducing greater responsibilities and privileges when appropriate for her age, despite the fact that she appears younger. That may include scouring the petite or juniors sections for those trendy tween clothes to underscore that she’s at the same maturity level as her taller, same-age peers.
All of this could be exacerbated by the fact that Allie doesn’t fit in physically at home, either. If the situation with her biological parents isn’t too traumatic or upsetting, it might help to look at photos of her mother or other family members on her mothers’ side who have similar bodies. My son, who is also adopted, is built near-identically to his birth mother and his siblings, so as I like to remind him, his body looks exactly how it was meant to look. It may be comforting for Allie to know that there are family members out there with her same “differences,” and to acknowledge her connection with them.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have two young boys, ages 2 and 3. My husband and I grew up very differently. I was raised solidly middle class with one or two vacations a year and extra-curricular activities like dance and soccer. Even so, my dad is very fiscally conservative, and to this day, I have a tough relationship with money because asking for material things was almost always met with a resounding “no” and no explanation. We almost never ate out and my dad would harp on my mom for buying the more expensive pre-shredded cheese instead of the block and doing it ourselves—you get the idea. Anything extra I wanted, I had to pay for myself. To this day, I have a bit of a compulsive shopping problem that I’m dealing with in therapy.
My husband, on the other hand, was raised in a large family barely above the poverty line. He had emotionally neglectful and manipulative parents. What little money they had was often (and ostentatiously) spent on his three younger sisters (his mother openly expresses her preference for the girls over her boys) or the many foster kids that came passed through their home. He left at 17 and has been on his own since, working mostly cash-focused jobs (bartender, commercial fisherman). So, saving for a rainy day has never been in his plans. If he has the money, he spends it, and then waits until he has more.
Enter our boys. We’re currently a single-income household due to a back injury, with me as the breadwinner. I work a well-paying job as a mid-level director at a national company, but we also live in one of the most expensive states, so we break about even each month. The problem stems from the fact that both my husband and I can’t help but want to give our boys anything and everything they want, both materially and otherwise. Granted, they’re toddlers, so the wants are minimal (a small toy tractor when we go to the feed store, a ball from Target, etc.) but I constantly find myself looking at another set of bath toys, a bigger sprinkler toy, more sets of rubber animals, you get the picture. I usually manage to reign myself in, but the compulsion is still there. Frankly, they’re happy playing in a big tub full of water with a cup and bucket.
I loathe the idea of raising spoiled, entitled kids, but I also want to make sure they never want for anything. How do I balance the two impulses and still raise my boys to have a solid, healthy relationship with money?
—Trying To Buy Happiness
Dear Trying To Buy Happiness,
It sounds like you and your husband, despite your somewhat different experiences, both grew up feeling deprived, so it’s not surprising that you want to protect your kids from feeling that way. I come from a similar background, and I’ve also observed that those of us who grew up with less money, or with parents who weren’t the best at managing money, are often less likely to have received much in the way of financial education. After all, it’s hard to teach kids about things like budgeting, saving, or (can you imagine?) investing if you’re just trying to make ends meet.
Since you may not have learned money skills growing up, it can’t hurt to first work on educating yourself. Many local libraries or other community centers offer courses in financial literacy or even a consultation with a financial counselor, all for free.
I understand that money is tight, but there may be other small changes you can make to model healthy habits. If your kids mostly see you paying for things with a debit or credit card, explain to them that you are using the money you earn from your job to purchase the items. Otherwise, they may assume, as my son did when he was younger, that the ATM was an infinite source of free cash we could access at any time. Forbes also recommends explaining to young kids that some money is for spending and some is for saving. (Even if it’s a concept you’re still mastering yourself; I sure the heck am.) Keeping individual piggy banks or a family jar for saving loose change and dollar bills can be a great way to illustrate this concept. Pick something specific to save for so you can experience the satisfaction of delayed gratification.
Eventually, experts recommend giving your kids the opportunity to practice managing their own money, through an allowance or earning money for helping around the house. We opened a bank account for my son in his name and deposited $200 in for Christmas a few years ago when he was 10 for the same purpose. One parent holds onto his debit card, and we talk it out when he wants to spend some of his deposited birthday, elementary school graduation, or chore money. Since we empowered him to make (guided) choices about his own money, he’s become more likely to save up for larger purchases and is currently sitting on a pretty impressive nest egg for a middle-schooler.
But even more than what you say about money, your kids will be learning from how you handle and talk about money. You already know you struggle with compulsive shopping, and it sounds like that’s starting to transfer to shopping for your boys. Like you said, it’s not such a big deal now, but trust me, as kids get older, the wants get pricier, and you don’t want to find yourself with teens who are demanding Airpods and iPads and have never been told “no” before. If you need help in addition to your work in therapy for your own spending habits, there are support groups like Debtors Anonymous and Spenders Anonymous that offer help with compulsive spending. It makes perfect sense that you developed this coping mechanism in an attempt to meet your unmet childhood needs, but kudos to you for wanting to break that cycle and avoid passing the same issues down to your kids.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a mom of two, 5 and 1. I also suffer from chronic anxiety and depression and have PTSD. I can be doing pretty well on meds and in routines, and feel fairly confident and capable. And then I get triggered one way or another. When that happens, I reach out to my counselor and psychologist, but it can take anywhere from days to weeks for me to stabilize again.
I try to maintain some level of composure until the kids go to bed, but there are days that’s impossible for me.
Yesterday, my son checked in on me and asked if I needed a snuggle after he noticed my silent tears. It was really sweet, but I don’t want to put my kids in a position where they feel they need to take responsibility for making me feel better. At the same time, I also think it’s good to model that adults have feelings, and sometimes, they get the best of them. I try to reassure my 5-year-old that it isn’t his fault, that he doesn’t need to make me feel better, and that I love him dearly. But my husband will occasionally comment that my kids “don’t deserve a depressed mom” and it isn’t fair of me to display these issues in front of them. This obviously makes me feel incredibly guilty. I love my kids and I want to raise them without scarring them due to my issues.
There are moments that thoughts like “My kids would be better off without me” float into my head even though I know I’m a good and loving parent despite my challenges. How do you communicate about your depression/anxiety/PTSD with your kids?
—OK to Cry?
Dear OK to Cry,
Before I address anything else in your letter: While many people who are not actively suicidal may sometimes have fleeting thoughts like tho ones you’re reporting, if you’re in any danger of harming yourself, please seek immediate help by calling a suicide hotline, seeking help from a local hospital or mental health facility, or telling someone you trust you need help. Even if you’re not in immediate danger, make sure that you let your counselor and psychologist know that you are having these thoughts; do not try to deal with them alone. When we’re struggling, it’s easy to think others would be better off without us, but in reality, losing a parent would be an incredibly traumatic experience that would affect your children forever.
That said: While parenting with mental health issues can be challenging, they are health issues like any other. Would your husband say your kids “don’t deserve a mom with diabetes”? Or “cancer”? I would counter that your kids don’t deserve to have a parent with “untreated depression,” but you’re doing the right things to manage your conditions, and studies show that kids also benefit when parents get treatment for their depression. Either way, stigma and shame regarding these conditions is not going to help anyone.
Instead, experts suggest communicating openly with your kids about the fact that you have an illness that’s causing X and Y symptoms, but that you’re going to be OK. Discuss things they may have noticed, such as, “Yesterday you saw that Mommy was feeling sad and crying, but it wasn’t because of you, and I’m working with my doctors on a plan to help me feel better.” Kids know when something doesn’t feel right at home, and by being honest, you help them make sense of what they’ve already observed. I also think there’s a strong value in kids seeing a parent ask for help when they need it. Children don’t need perfect parents, but they do need to know how to cope when they deal with their own issues or life inevitably gets hard.
That said, if you still feel you’re struggling to consistently manage your chronic mental health issues, you might want to ask your mental health professionals if there are additional supports or a higher level of care that could help you. It’s almost a cliche at this point, but we moms really do have to put on our own oxygen masks first to be capable of caring for others. And doing so doesn’t make us bad moms. It makes us good ones.
—Emily
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My husband and I (as well as our daughter, “Chloe”) moved to a new state about a year and a half ago. Everyone in our neighborhood is white. My daughter has made friends with some of them. At first, I was happy for her, but then I started to notice that her friends were terribly racist, and after inviting the kids’ parents over for dinner … the parents are racist too. Not just microaggressions or an off-color joke (which would be bad enough by itself), but just full-on, blatant racism. Even my husband, who is from a small town that still has Klan activity, was shocked and appalled. I don’t want to deprive my daughter of friends, but I don’t want her to befriend racists, either! What do I do?
