This is part of Say Yes to the Mess, a pop-up Slate series on the unsettled state of the American wedding in 2023.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My fiancée of nearly two years asked me to stop having sex until our wedding day. It’s not that far off (a few months) and I’m sure I can “jerk off” to satisfy myself during that time, even though I’m 100 percent not on board. But this request has angered me, and I am conflicted as to why that is and how to proceed. She has always been spiritual but now has decided, after nearly four years of awesome sex together, she wants to live her faith. I applaud that. But I am concerned this relationship “rule change” is just the first of many. I am not as religious as she is now or will be in the future, and I never will be. Is this just the first of many dynamic changes in our lives that I won’t have a say in? How can I trust that she won’t ask me to make other life changes that I do not agree with after we’re married? Will her growing faith, while I remain status quo, slowly erode our relationship? Some would say, ‘If you truly loved her, you’d be fine with waiting.’ Is that true? Am I being selfish for feeling so hurt, betrayed, and angered by this?
—Conflicted and Confused
Dear Conflicted and Confused,
People who would say “If you truly loved her, you’d be fine with waiting” are people who prefer simple stories. You can, of course, be not OK with waiting because you love her and sex is part of the way you have expressed love up to this point. You can also on one hand love your partner and on the other, care about your own gratification. Those things are not necessarily at odds.
What worries me here is how irrational her decision is—as if a few months of chastity can absolve years of premarital sex; as if an all-knowing God could be duped by someone scrambling to put on the appearance of piety after living much differently. The God who will protect her in abstinence is the same God who watched over her while she was being sexually active. You can’t reason with irrationality, and given the extent of it here, it might very well signal the future faith-based decisions that you fear.
I think instead of asking us the questions that you posed at the end of your letter, you should be asking them of your fiancée. Additionally: What does she imagine your mixed-faith dynamic will look like? Is she prepared for the tension over your dueling belief systems that you’re already experiencing? Do you factor into her decision-making at all? It seems possible that she may regularly choose God over you. All the holiness in the universe may not prevent three from being a crowd in this case.
Dear How to Do It,
I am about to marry a wonderful man, “Jake,” an intelligent, hardworking entrepreneur. So patient, kind, and attentive to my needs—everything I’ve always wanted in a partner. We’ve been together for over three years—long distance for a couple of months, and then I moved across the country to live with him in his hometown. Life with Jake has been great, except for a couple of red flags.
1) About a year and a half ago, I saw a message from his ex-girlfriend pop up on his phone. Before confronting him, I checked his message history—texts were cleared, but the call history showed that for four months, there had been regular phone calls. He provided an explanation and I accepted it. I asked him if this was an innocent friendship, because I could get on board with that, but he said no, that she is emotionally volatile and he wants nothing to do with her. I asked him to not initiate contact with her for any reason moving forward and to tell me if she reaches out to him. He’s violated this agreement once (that I know of) and had some sort of weird reason; I was very upset, but since then, I haven’t seen any evidence of contact. He told me I can check his phone whenever I want. I do occasionally, but I told him I want to learn to trust in him and trust his privacy moving forward.
2) Jake has not been very interested in sex for the past six months or so, and when I politely inquired about his masturbation habits, he said he doesn’t feel the need and apologized that his workweek has been so long and grueling that he hasn’t had much energy for bedroom extracurriculars. Fine, I get it. Anyway, he loves Reddit, and sometimes when we scroll together, sexy soft-porn, big-boobed women pop up, and he always acts surprised. I told him I don’t care if he looks at porn, that it’s fine and sometimes I do it too, but I would like to increase our sexual activity in general.
3) Last month, I went to our desktop computer to do some work, and I randomly checked his search history. I saw that he was frequently visiting a folder that had screenshots of some of this Reddit porn BUT also a few innocent screenshots of other women he dated in the past (fully-clothed selfies, smiling seductively). One of these screenshots was via a text message dated a couple of months ago of her at some Christmas party … AND within this folder was a subfolder of old naked pictures of the ex-girlfriend previously mentioned, and he was opening this folder on average about once a week. I think the pictures are old, years before we met, but at least one of them looks like a more recent screenshot of them on FaceTime. I showed him what I found and explained that looking at porn (fine by me) and looking at naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend (wtf) are completely different and the fact that he chooses to do that regularly instead of having sex with me makes me feel worried about the health of our relationship. He was ashamed and permanently deleted those photos from his computer. I also told him I want to go to couples therapy. He has agreed, but so far we haven’t had time to make that happen.
I literally cannot imagine him having sex with other women during our relationship. It goes against everything I know about his character and his heart. Yet I know, after listing these details, that everyone is going to insist that the evidence is there. Am I an idiot to believe him when he says he hasn’t cheated on me? And even if the worst is confirmed, am I stupid for wanting to go forward with the wedding anyway and continue to build our life together? He is an amazing partner in every other way.
—Hesitant Bride-to-Be
Dear Hesitant Bride-to-Be,
He’s an amazing partner in every way other than his lying and obfuscation. Just like people on the Titanic experienced a nice cruise except for that whole crashing-into-an-iceberg thing. Right? While I appreciate specificity and good faith, you can’t really separate the wreckage from the bigger picture. Jake told you he wanted “nothing to do” with his ex, and yet he had been talking to her on the phone regularly, violated his agreement not to do so moving forward, and is looking at pictures of her, presumably for masturbation purposes. He’s providing none of the nuance you so generously have extended to your reading of him. He’s giving you a black-and-white story and then living in the gray. There’s a very clear disconnect between what he’s presenting and what he’s doing, and I think that is a much bigger issue than the overtly sexual issues here.
The most generous reading of Jake that I can muster is that he’s effectively non-monogamous in his leanings and he’s having a hard time expressing this—maybe it’s shame; maybe transgression is part of the fun; maybe, like many men, verbalizing feelings didn’t play a big (if any) role in his socialization, so he never really developed the skills to do so. But he’s nonetheless sending you messages about his inclinations, and I don’t expect the messages to stop (or come via a more ethical method of delivery) without a real reckoning, which would require transparency on his part. I don’t think offering his phone for your surveillance counts—this could just indicate that he’s gotten more sophisticated at hiding his transgressions. Maybe clearing texts was just the tip of the you-know-what.
Whether he has or hasn’t cheated is nothing I could determine from what you’ve written here, but it’s my belief that the worst part of cheating is the dishonesty. He’s already shown himself to be plenty dishonest and for opportunistic reasons. I don’t think you’re stupid for wanting to follow your heart, but I do think your heart is on a foolish path. Given everything you’ve gleaned so far, you have to ask yourself what you would do if he did cheat. You should also ask yourself if you could tolerate an open arrangement, as that might satisfy Jake’s apparent interest in novelty and contact with other women. If not, this probably isn’t the relationship for you. He’s already told you he would change and then didn’t. What has he done to warrant your unwavering faith in him?
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Dear How to Do It,
Both of us have waited to have sex for our wedding day. It’s soon, and I have no idea how to proceed on the night of. I don’t really know what to say or even what to ask you. I just kind of need to know everything. Where do you start? How do I keep my wedding night from being awkward?
—Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Mmm, this question has an … interesting harmony with our first letter. I hear angels singing. One of the big issues with the wait-until-marriage standard to which you and your fiancé adhere is that it tends to come with the expectation that you will suddenly be ready and equipped to do everything in one night after doing absolutely nothing (or something like nothing— interpretations of the concept of virginity vary). In a less restrictive environment, you can experiment as you go, at your own pace, and learn by trying, thereby cultivating your sexual taste. There needn’t be a question of where to start because you can start wherever you like and there isn’t a societal imperative such as monogamy and immediate breeding upon marriage weighing on your sexual development.
I’d say try to replicate that. No matter what is driving you to wait to have sex till your wedding day, the rules are probably less restrictive on talking about sex before that, so start there. Discuss what you’re both potentially into. What do you want to try? What do you even know? Sex with someone you love (or even don’t know) can be an extension of your communication, so get the bedrock ready well before you go to bed and talk about it. If something like intercourse is daunting or otherwise uninteresting to one of you, take it off the table—even though movies and other greater cultural models say that when you wait until your wedding night, your genitals will automatically magnetize to each other, it really need not be the case.
I don’t have the space to tell you everything you need to know if you don’t actually know anything about sex. I can’t tell you everything about how to do it here—that’s spread over more than four years’ worth of columns. The very basics: Set and setting (that is, a good mindset and comfortable environment) are key, and consent rules. You can’t do anything your partner doesn’t want, and you should create an atmosphere of open and honest communication.
For other basics, you can try Scarleteen, the sex-ed website that has a lot of thorough walkthroughs (you could start at “What’s Sex?” and work your way through other topics). One trusted book for beginner-level sex education is Hannah Witton’s Doing It, so you could try that as well. Of course, The Joy of Sex is a classic for a reason. Heed the words of the title and find joy in what you do—pressured, obligatory sex is not the way to get there. So take your time and find what you’re into, and if it doesn’t happen on your wedding night, it’s truly not a big deal. You and your spouse have the rest of your shared life ahead of you to play.
Dear How to Do It,
A few years ago, my husband snooped on my phone and read through all of my text messages. We had a little argument but both admitted that, if given the chance, we would snoop on each other’s devices. I typically just read up on the latest texts between him and his ex-fiancée. They were on-again, off-again for years until he met me. She is a serial cheater, hooking up with the next guy before dumping the current one. My husband made it clear on our third date that he won’t let anyone tell him he can’t be friends with her.
They text each other about once a week. She frequently complains about her new husband and tells him she is doomed to be alone, he is her best friend, she misses him, and she wishes they could hang out. (They don’t hang out anymore.) I confronted him about one of their text interactions a couple of years ago. She sent him a picture of when they were together and told him they look good together. He agreed and changed the subject. I told him we both know she was testing to see if she has a chance with him again and his answer should have been “I’m happy with my wife.” I thought he would shut her down the next time, but tonight I found two texts that really upset me. After complaining again about her current husband, she told MY husband that they should have just waited things out together and gotten married. His reply was “Mhmm.” Then, on another day, she did the thing again of sending a photo of the two of them together and, this time without prompting, he told her that the photo made him happy.
Which, for the first time, made me decide to delve into his photos on the cloud. There they were, a folder with pictures and videos of his nude exes. He has always insisted on deleting all nudes that I send to him, after taking a look. But these photos he has saved for over a decade! I was so upset at this point that I deleted them. The way I saw it, if he notices they’re gone, that means he was actively using them to masturbate. If he doesn’t notice they’re gone, that means he saved them over a decade ago and just hasn’t bothered to clean up his files since meeting me. I can’t help feeling as if I’ve done something wrong by deleting them, but on the other hand, I’m his wife! The texts were upsetting, the photos and video even more so. I don’t know if I should ignore their texts for now and just continue keeping an eye on them, or confront him again. I know he’s not physically cheating on me, and I feel like they don’t talk enough for this to be an emotional cheating either. He shows me on a daily basis how much he loves me. It’s obvious that he has chosen me. Her texts show that if he wanted to be with her, he could. She was his first serious relationship, and I hate to admit this, but they were together during his happier youthful years. Naturally, he’s going to be nostalgic about it. I also think her constant praise and hitting on him are beneficial to his self-esteem. (I know for a fact he isn’t the only man she is texting.) Was I wrong to delete the nudes of his exes? Should I confront him about their texts, or is he just being nostalgic and getting a much-needed ego boost?
—Equal-Opportunity Snooper
Dear Equal-Opportunity Snooper,
I can’t fault your logic—your test to determine whether he uses/cares about those pics is clever. However, here’s what I don’t like about you deleting his texts: You’ve added an element of destruction into your dynamic. With very few exceptions, a person’s property is for them to manage, and when you go ahead and violate that, you’re setting a tone. It would be terrible if he destroyed your property, right? Say during an argument he smashed something of yours—a vase, or even your computer—because now, as a couple, you do that sort of thing? Certain lines aren’t worth crossing simply because you don’t want to bring anyone over to that side. When you do things that are irreversible, sometimes people retaliate in kind.
But what’s done is done. He’s not going to have much of an argument to push back with anyway, even if he does notice the pictures are gone and knows you’re the one who made them go away. Whether you want to confront him further is up to you, but you should pick a side. If you can see a situation for what it is and feel that, despite its violation of your rules, it’s no actual threat to you, sometimes it really pays to be the bigger person and just let things be what they are. I’m always going to favor letting the practical guide your actions over principles (especially the principles that are for principles’ sake). You could compromise and have the conversation, going into it with this accepting attitude. You can ask some pointed questions to ensure that your suspicions are correct and then tell him that you accept him talking to his ex for nostalgic and ego-fluffing purposes. It would be an incredibly generous way to allow him some leeway and expand your relationship’s purview beyond strictly monogamous ideals. If you’re actually OK with that—take some time and make sure you are—that’s probably going to be a path to harmony.
—Rich
Classic Prudie
I wouldn’t have been able to go to my half sister’s wedding due to a work conflict. I wanted to show my support, so I bought her an expensive Hawaiian honeymoon package. Only a month before the wedding, the lovebirds broke up due to rampant cheating on both sides. This has caused our father a lot of embarrassment and cost a pretty penny. I managed to transfer the vacation package back to myself and made plans to go with a friend. It is nonrefundable, and my boss would be happier I don’t take off Christmas. Only now my half sister is freaking out.
