How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My partner and I are both 21 and in a long-distance relationship. He’s bisexual and often asexual. In short, he says he needs to have other partners while we’re long-distance. I’d rather him not, but I’d be okay with it if he agreed to some boundaries. Unfortunately, he’s not good at those.
About a week ago, he told me he’d become pretty emotionally involved with a girl at his university. I was surprised but tried to set some boundaries. He was more than happy to agree to some of my requests—more communication, more expressions of love, calling me more—but he refused to agree when I said I was uncomfortable with him kissing and having sex with her. This really shocked and hurt me. He rationalized this by saying he has only a few weeks left with her. (She’s graduating.) Since then, he’s spent every night at her apartment. He kissed her last night and plans to have sex with her. Since he’s asexual, this makes me especially sad. It feels as if he’s choosing to spend the rare times he does feel aroused with some fling, rather than his partner. (And sex is important to me.) I no longer feel as if he’s putting me or our relationship first.
We’ve been together for three years. We’re both a bit anxiously attached to each other, and depend on each other for a lot. In January, we discussed spending our life together, and loosely planned to get engaged after university, and then married after grad school. We both want to be with each other, and he assures me he’s not going to leave me, but I miss feeling special and like I’m the only one he wants. I get really sad thinking about him being with her, and I feel upset that I’m not “enough” for him (even though I intellectually understand that’s not logical in this case).
I don’t have any moral or ethical problem with nonmonogamy, but I’m sad and nervous about how to navigate this divide between us. I want him to be happy and fulfilled, and I want to be with him, but I don’t know how to square that with the growing feeling that his affairs just aren’t working for me.
—Sadly in Love
Dear S.I.L.,
If you equate specialness with being someone’s one and only, there’s a good chance you’re inclined toward monogamy (at least at the moment). If that’s the case, of course a non-monogamous arrangement isn’t working for you. Granted, your partner isn’t making it easier. Opinions about vetos vary within the non-monogamous population, but it’s been my observation and experience that unless the most sensitive person’s feelings are honored, there will be strife, and eventually, it’ll be irreconcilable. By not putting your feelings first, he’s not putting your relationship first, and he’s showing you a lot of his partnering style by doing so. You say no, he says no to you, then does what he wants. Rinse, repeat.
How much of this is a result of the long-distance arrangement is an open question that could be fully answered only when you live in the same area, if you can really hold out that long. I think you’ve already seen plenty, and what you’re being shown isn’t for you. You’re so young that the chances of you staying with this guy forever are slim as it is. Maybe take all of this as a sign to move on and find yourself a more suitable (and hopefully closer) partner. Definitely impress to him that you’ll be doing so if he’s not willing to work with you.
Dear How to Do It,
I have an uncontrollable gag reflex, to the point that I gag while brushing my back teeth. It hasn’t been a big problem for me—I’m a lesbian, and when I sleep with someone with a penis, I do pretty much everything but oral. However, I recently started dating a trans woman, and I’m head over heels in love with her. And part of wanting to be with her means creating a good sex life together. I really, really want to worship her in every way possible, including good head, but my gag reflex gets in the way.
How do you perform oral on a penis without gagging? Can you train yourself not to gag when you hit the wrong spot, or even just have something in your mouth? This is bad, like “heaving and throwing up in my mouth a bit at the dentist” bad, and I want her so much.
—Fixing Oral Fixation
Dear F.O.F.,
Firstly, if I were you, I’d get some clarity on what “good head” means to your partner—not everyone likes or needs to get deep-throated, and trans women in particular may have certain practices they’d like you to avoid during sex so as not to trigger dysphoria. It could be that, even if she doesn’t have specific requests there, she may be amenable to what you can do given the limitations of your gag reflex (e.g., a lot of licking, perhaps).
That said, you can definitely try to train away your gag reflex. (Refer to this earlier column for some tips.) It’s not always easy, but you can try to consciously relax your throat by using a toothbrush or your finger to gently touch your tongue or the back of your mouth—wherever your gag reflex is almost activated. The idea is to find a triggering spot and hold the toothbrush there for a few seconds to help desensitize you. A different oral sex position might help too.
It says a lot that you’re willing to do so for your partner, and she may be heartened to see you so eager to please her. That kind of willingness can buy a lot of favor, so even if you never get there with head, perhaps the thought will count for enough. You’re going to have to find a partner who is OK with your limitations—and I hope, for your lovestruck sake, that this one is the one.
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband can withstand a regular old blow job for hours, but when it comes to PIV, it’s a much faster ending—like, mere minutes. Historically, this hasn’t bothered me. It’s been that way since we met when we were teens (we’re 47 and 50 now), and we’ve learned to work around it with lots of manual, oral, and toy usage.
But I’ve always been so curious how he can last so long during oral but not vaginal. He’s assured me that it’s not my blow job skills and that he’s enjoying himself, but it still takes a lot of effort and time to get him there through head. By contrast, if he’s got me at his mercy and he’s controlling the action during intercourse, he’s likely to blow sooner than he’d like.
This bothers him, so his doctor prescribed him Viagra to help. We haven’t taken it yet, but I’m wondering: Will it help with longevity during penetrative sex? And is longevity during sex more of a psychological or physical response? Obviously we’ve been having sex with each other for decades, so it’s not exactly novel for us, but there’s got to be a reason for the disparity.
—No Complaints, Just Questions
Dear N.C.J.Q.,
It’s often very hard to unravel psychological responses from physical ones, as neither exists in a bubble. They can both be factors, as can be their interplay. Maybe your husband eroticizes PIV, and maybe he does so because it feels particularly good. There are definitely guys who get off much easier when they’re thrusting, perhaps owing to the muscle tension or rigorous friction it entails, and there’s definitely something to be said for the engulfing tightness that PIV tends to provide over oral. At the same time, there are guys who have no problem sitting back, getting head, and coming, no thrusting necessary. Different bodies, different responses.
Charles Welliver, director of men’s health at Albany Medical College, has another theory. “Maybe if he feels like he’s more involved, it changes his experience,” he told me when I asked about the head-forever-PIV-for-minutes phenomenon (which I’ve anecdotally witnessed and experienced—if you ask around on apps, you’ll see there’s a high prevalence of men who “can’t come from head alone”). This is, naturally, a difficult thing to study, and data is scant.
Welliver did note, though, that some data suggests that Viagra improves what’s clinically referred to as “intravaginal latency” (the time it takes a person with a penis to come during PIV). Here’s one study that confirms this, and another, though the latter did not find a statistically significant result. Still, it concluded that “sildenafil increased confidence, the perception of ejaculatory control, and overall sexual satisfaction, and decreased the refractory time to achieve a second erection after ejaculation in men with PE.”
Regarding this effect of Viagra, Welliver wrote, “The physiology of this makes very little sense to me but studies do show it helps. That said, behavioral retraining by getting close, then calming down, getting close, and stopping again (essentially edging) is by far the best way to increase latency.”
In other words, you’ve got edging and Viagra at your disposal. Why not try both?
Dear How to Do It,
I’ve recently come out at the age of 67, which has led to an interesting dilemma: After joining Grindr and Scruff, I’ve discovered that I am very desirable with a particular segment of men. I’ve never considered myself desirable before, and I’m at a bit of a loss on how to handle all the attention. I can’t enter a serious relationship right now, as I’m still married (my wife knows about me), so I’m looking exclusively for casual flings.
Do I need to keep all my hookups unaware of one another? I don’t think it would be appropriate to flaunt them, but I don’t want to lie about them either. I’ve been lying to myself for a long time (see the part about coming out at 67), and I want to be as truthful and open as possible when I meet other guys. I understand that gay culture is much more open than heterosexual culture, but not having grown up in it, I’m still learning the rules.
What advice can you provide to help me manage these new relationships I’m developing?
—Hot and Didn’t Know It
Dear H.D.K.I.,
It’s safe to assume that the people you’re hooking up with are using Grindr and Scruff for the same reasons you are—it’s not called Husbandr, after all. Even if your guys are less oriented toward having multiple partners than you are, surely if they’ve assessed the landscape, they realize that this is an environment where non-monogamy is the norm. That means casually mentioning your other hookups to probably won’t rock the boat. Still, I’d avoid any kind of sit-down, come-to-slutty-Jesus moments with your partners, as it might give the impression that, despite your stated looseness, you’re more serious than you are. This is the downside of dealing with a population that’s largely been socialized to avoid emotional expression, both from within and without.
There are no hard-and-fast rules here, which is why communication is important. This is a case where to omit is not necessarily to lie. But as in any case, when the truth is solicited, you should provide it. Telling your buddies about your other buddies can also be beneficial if you enjoy group sex, as they may ask what the other guys are like and whether you can introduce them. Again, no guarantees, but it’s certainly possible.
My advice is to take advantage of your freedom and live your truth in its fullest expression. If you’re flush with suitors, you can afford to risk alienating some by showing who you are—they’ll filter themselves out, and the guys who stick around are more likely to be your people. You can even state in your profile that you’re looking for “buds” (or the plural of whatever word you like to use for your partners). Approach things with a relaxed vibe to make everyone’s lives easier, or at least more pleasant.
—Rich
More How to Do It
I’ve been dating a new guy for about a month and the sex has been really good. I prefer to stick to penis-in-vagina sex, but I try to be open-minded about other things. The thing is, I am absolutely repulsed by anal. I feel selfish denying him something he wants so badly. Is there something else I can do to him that he might accept instead?
