This week, we’ve called on our favorite expert pet owners to answer your questions about the unruly critters in your life. Faux Paws is Slate’s pet advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Faux Paws,
I have a green cheek conure, Buddy, that I’ve had since 2006. He started living with me (40F) and my parents in my early-20s and got along well with men and women. Over the years, he often lived with just me but at some point began preferring my boyfriends. Well, I’ve been married for four-and-a-half years, and all was great for the first three or so. But in the last year and a half, my bird has definitely seen my husband more as a mate and me as a threat. I used to be able to rub his head or sit with him at times when my husband wasn’t, but lately, he won’t come to me for anything except for maybe a treat, and even that has gotten to the point where he might fly over and then bite me so hard he draws blood for no reason.
The only place safe it seems safe for me to interact with him is from my side of the bed. I can no longer even walk across the room and pick him up, despite me being his loving “mom” for 17 years. The only “new” thing was that our house flooded so we’ve had him upstairs with us instead of downstairs in a larger cage—but he’s flighted and out of the cage almost all day anyway. We aren’t sure how much of this is a territorial issue or how much is a jealousy issue, but I just want my sweet baby bird back—at least, occasionally. We don’t have to be BFFs, but I would rather not be mortal enemies.
—Mother of a Feathered Terrorist
Dear MOFT,
Your situation is heartbreaking but fixable. Because you are a longtime parrot parent (I believe the official term is “parront”), you know these strange and beautiful creatures are often mercurial. Your case is fairly extreme, but the basic problem is all too common: A formerly sweet bird suddenly turns angry, even violent, against his once-beloved owner. Why? Who knows. As the parent of a blue-crowned conure, I can attest that these birds are quite smart and have all the behavioral issues that come with intelligence (in animals and humans alike). You may never figure out exactly why Buddy came to view you as a threat, but you can test out different fixes that might mitigate and ultimately solve the underlying problem.
First, ban your husband from giving Buddy treats—that should be your privilege alone. Buddy needs to learn that he can get treats only from you, and only if he’s nice to you. If he bites you, give him a time-out: no attention for 15 minutes. If Buddy bites you when your husband is present, your husband needs to follow the rules: no attention (and no treats) so Buddy knows he did something wrong. If this strategy restores Buddy’s willingness to accept treats without biting, try delayed gratification: Offer him a treat, but then withhold until he lets you pet him for several seconds, adding a few more seconds each time.
Second, don’t underestimate the emotional impact of moving Buddy’s cage to the bedroom. He may be jealous that you get to spend all night in bed with your husband while he’s stuck alone behind bars. Or he may be growing overly attached to your husband now that he gets bedroom privileges. Buddy needs to remember that he isn’t a part of your marriage. Move him back downstairs as soon as possible—but make your husband do it, ideally when you are out of the house, in case he reacts badly at first.
Finally, consider the possibility that Buddy’s behavioral problems have caused you to act differently around him. Parrots are good at sensing our moods, especially when we are angry or anxious; if you approach him with trepidation, he’s going to reflect that back on you. Make an effort to be calm and happy around Buddy, as if he still loved you as much as he used to. I’m sure that love is still in there somewhere, but life is long and complicated, especially if you’re a parrot. Remembering how you acted around him before he turned against you, and channeling that energy today, is the first step toward rekindling a healthy relationship.
—Mark Joseph Stern
Hear Me Out…
Check out Slate’s Hear Me Out podcast for this week’s episode, Stop the Hiss-Teria: Outdoor Cats Can Thrive.
Dear Faux Paws,
I’m a bird person. My partner is a cat person. I’ve had budgies for almost a decade. After four years of cohabitation, we finally got a cat and kept the budgies confined to one room for their safety. It’s worked: After almost a year, the cat and birds have never seen each other. But one of my two budgies died of old age, and now the survivor needs more socialization than she’s getting in her cat-free zone. How can I safely give her the hours of socialization she needs without endangering the budgie or locking up the cat every day?
—Budgie Buddy
Howdy Budgie Buddy,
Is there any reason you can’t adopt another budgie? They really do thrive with a friend: Our first budgie, Limoncello (RIP), became a whole different bird after we got her a cagemate; her destructive behavior ceased overnight. I would think hard about any obstacles that might prevent you from adopting a new friend, and if they’re really insurmountable. Are you worried that a young budgie will be an overstimulating cagemate? If so, many animal shelters also take in older budgies who might pair nicely with your little one. People frequently give up older budgies on Craigslist, too. Just be sure to keep the new bird separated for a week, and take them to the vet before introducing them into the shared cage.
If you’re deadset against adopting another budgie, I do think you need to start keeping your solo budgie in the living room so she has plenty of human exposure. You’ll need to buy an extremely secure cage with a lock that your cat can’t finagle open, and make sure it’s on a sturdy surface that your cat can’t knock over. Before you move the cage, introduce the cat to the bird while holding the cat in your arms to protect against an attack. Do this several times before relocating your budgie. Show affection to the bird so your cat realizes that she’s a friend, not a snack. I would have the two interface at least six times before relocating the bird to a shared area. If you let your budgie out of her cage, your cat should never, ever be within pouncing distance. I know you said you’d rather not, but consider taking your budgie back into the bedroom for recreation time, and temporarily locking your cat in a separate room to guarantee the bird’s safety.
Remember that your budgie is probably still in mourning. She will need a lot of quality time with her parent to make up for the hours she used to spend playing and chattering with her dearly departed friend. Help her understand that she has not been abandoned to navigate this world alone, and that any further changes are only a loving effort to bring you two closer together.
—Mark Joseph Stern
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Dear Faux Paws,
I’m currently a senior in high school, and I have two pet rats. I’m going off to college in August (about a two-hour drive away from my parents’ house) and I have no clue what to do about my rats. This college requires all first-year students to live in dorms on campus, and pets are not allowed other than service animals. My older brother goes to the same college but lives in an apartment a few minutes away from campus. Is it reasonable to ask him to let my rats live with him for the first year? I trust that my parents would take good care of the rats, but my first rat died suddenly and I want to make sure that as my current rats get older, I can be there to say goodbye when the time comes.
—Helicopter Rat Mother
Dear Helicopter,
Well, you can certainly ask! Without knowing your brother’s feelings about your rats, he might appreciate the opportunity to have a pet—especially if he doesn’t have to do the work of caring for them. You might offer to cover all of their needs, even though they’re crashing at his place. At the same time, though, taking them in is still a big responsibility, and if he says he’s too busy or simply not interested in caring for them, you should accept that. It’s also possible your brother will not want to take guardianship of your rats as he navigates collegiate socializing. As a former rat owner myself, I also know that there is, unfortunately, some stigma surrounding our rodent friends—your brother (and his roommates) might not warm up to the idea of having them around.
It’s difficult to be separated from your beloved pets, but going away to college changes life in many ways. Some of these are exciting and fun, and some of them are difficult and unpleasant. This falls into the latter category, but it will come along with good things like being able to eat ice cream whenever you want and staying up into the wee hours of the morning. Luckily, you’re within driving distance of your parents’ house, and the academic schedule generally allows for regular trips home. It’s difficult to plan around something bad (like an untimely death) happening, but you might not be around even if they’re staying a few minutes away at your brother’s place. In the unlikely event that it does happen, you can still honor them at your parents’ place or otherwise. Ultimately, it will be sad not to have as much time with your rats as you might like, but in exchange, you’ll be experiencing a whole new world. And after this first year of school, you’ll be able to be as overbearing a rat mother as you like.
—Cleo Levin
Dear Faux Paws,
I think my husband may actually value our dog more than me. I requested that he make an effort to keep the screen doors closed after I noticed they were left open a few times. I’m concerned about bugs getting in. My husband agreed to keep them closed when we’re at home in the evening, but he argued that he wants to keep them open during the day while we’re at work so the dog can access the deck. He thinks my concern about bugs is ridiculous because the door in question is on the second floor of our building. He offered a compromise that the door would only be open enough for the dog to pass through and he would close the blinds most of the way so the actual opening would be a small square.
I am furious and so offended that my husband would ask me to compromise with the dog. Actually, with his perception of what the dog would prefer. We are way past “red flags”; we’ve been together for over 10 years and have two kids. But I feel like I’m just waking up to how little value he puts on my needs.
—Not a B*tch
Ciao Not a B*tch,
I would hazard a guess that your marital frustrations run deeper than this particular canine-oriented conflict given your concern that your husband puts insufficient value on your needs. But I would caution against generalizing from this incident, or interpreting it as proof of some deeper flaw in your spouse. One of the most agonizing things about owning pets is our inability, as humans, to perfectly interpret their needs. Your husband appears to have convinced himself that your dog must have access to the deck, or else his days will be tedious and lonesome. This conviction comes from a place of affection for his furry friend, a sincere belief that he has correctly gleaned a strong desire to spend the day outdoors.
One option, then, is to ask your husband how he came by this belief. Does your dog seem depressed when the deck door is closed? Does he lose his appetite or enjoyment of your company? Or is this perhaps something your husband has projected onto the dog? Was his childhood dog cooped up inside all day? Did his parents undervalue the dog’s freedom to explore outside? I see why you’re frustrated that your husband has asked you “to compromise with the dog,” but I would frame it differently: He has asked you to compromise with him because he thinks he best understands the dog’s needs. It would be helpful to know where he is coming from here—and for you to push back, calmly and clearly, about why you disagree.
You might consider using this talk as a jumping-off point to a broader conversation about your husband ignoring your needs. You could tell your husband that you’re upset he took such an unwavering stance here rather than working with you to negotiate a compromise. Explain to him that while you admire his love for the dog, and acknowledge the dog’s own interests, you, too, deserve equal respect. You can identify other examples of situations in which your husband seemed to ignore your requests. Well-meaning people sometimes forget that their spouses’ desires are not always aligned with their own; your husband may well be ignorant of the extent to which he is disregarding your opinions. That is certainly no excuse for his behavior. But it is a good reason to remind him that he has no right to veto your preferences, consciously or not—and that your marriage simply cannot work unless he gives your opinions the respect they deserve.
Finally, tell your husband to buy a goddamn doggie door.
—Mark Joseph Stern
More Pet Advice From Slate
My ex and I broke up during the pandemic. She moved back in with her parents because living together was a mutual misery. Only, her parents refused to let her take her two dogs. I have one myself and I know how upset I would be to lose my baby. My ex drives over three times, give or take, a week to walk and play with all three dogs. She pays for the food and upkeep of hers. I gave her a new key to my place because my work has me going at all crazy hours. Well, I have been dating “Nina” for two months.
