Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years. This week, we’ve gathered some of our favorite letters from the past. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m not a parent, but I’m an aunt-by-marriage to two wonderful girls, my brother-in-law’s daughters. They are 10 and 12. My nieces live a very structured life: lots of academic pressure, a full slate of extracurricular activities, and pretty strict rules around screen time/playdates/reading/etc. The girls are sweet and well-behaved. I personally don’t understand why there are so many rules in place if the girls don’t push boundaries, but I also recognize I’m not a parent and it’s not my business to judge.
Last week, I took the oldest niece on an “aunt date”—we had ice cream and walked in the park. We were talking about how school is going, how some of the people in her grade are starting to go to parties, and how she’s not sure if she wants to be going to parties or not. I shared that I started smoking and partying when I was 12—her age—and that though it certainly led to some bad choices, I also was glad to learn the hard way instead of never trying anything. My niece became very upset and started crying. I of course felt awful. I kept asking her what was wrong, apologizing for oversharing, but she couldn’t really put into words exactly what was so upsetting. I dropped her off at home and told my brother-in-law that his daughter was pretty upset. He thanked me for the heads-up. But I’m flummoxed. Did I say or do something wrong? Could there be something else going on in my niece’s life that she isn’t telling me? Is it unreasonable to tell a 12-year-old that some people smoke at 12? Please help.
—Awkward Aunt
Dear Awkward Aunt,
I’m not going to drag you through the mud for this, because obviously your heart was in the right place—but I don’t think it was a good idea to talk to a preteen (who isn’t your daughter) about smoking and partying. I know that I’d be pretty upset if an aunt or uncle talked to my young daughters about that stuff without me knowing it.
I’m obviously not in your niece’s head, so I can’t say for sure why she was so upset. If I were to take an educated guess, I’d say it could be because she lives a structured life but that there’s a part of her that wishes she could partake in all of the “fun” activities her peers are enjoying. Fitting in and being a part of a group is something that many kids her age take seriously, so she could be dealing with a strong case of FOMO (fear of missing out). It’s also possible she’s thought about these things, or even participated in them, and she was crying because she’s trying to process her emotions about her own experiences.
If you have a strong relationship with your brother-in-law, I would do more than give him the heads-up on your awkward conversation and dive deeper with him. Maybe there’s more at play than what meets the eye, and if he’s willing to share that with you, it will only help all parties involved.
Additionally, going forward, you should ask her parents what conversations are off-limits so you can respect parental boundaries. Again, I know you didn’t mean any harm here—but at the end of the day, the parents have the final say on how their children should be raised.—Doyin Richards
From: “Oops—I Obviously Overshared With My Niece” (Nov. 23, 2021)
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My grandfather died this year. He and I were very close, and I am still grief-stricken. He took me in when my parents kicked me out—because I was gay—when I was teenager. I believe he saved my life, honestly. I am eternally grateful to him.
My wife and I moved him in with us a few years ago when he became too ill and frail to live alone, and I’m so glad we had that time with him. He adored my wife and was keen to help financially with our attempts at getting pregnant (plans that are currently on hold due to my state of mind). Indeed, finances are where the problem comes in. My grandpa was always very private, and he was also frugal—which I respected—so that while I knew he was well-off, I had no idea he was a millionaire. Now he has left everything to my wife and me. I am in shock, and so is the rest of my family (many members of which I saw for the first time in years at the funeral—where my parents and sister ignored me, and my cousins made polite small talk). Now they have learned about the inheritance and they are furious. He left them nothing. This was not unreasonable of him, honestly, considering that none of them ever contacted him except to ask for money. Even when he was hospitalized, my wife and I were the only ones who visited him.
My cousins see it differently. They keep phoning us and saying we were “vultures” who deliberately “buttered up” my grandpa to get his money. These comments have made me cry; they’ve led to my changing my phone number. But they keep managing to get in touch. My parents and sister, for their part, have gotten in touch for the first time since my teens and suddenly want to “make amends.” They claim to miss me and want us to “reconnect” … also, could I please give them money for my dad’s medical bills? My sister has messaged me on social media begging me to give her “her share” of the inheritance to help with the costs of raising her three kids. If she had simply asked me for money to help care for the nieces I have never met, I would have given it to her! I don’t hold her children accountable for her treatment of me. But what she actually said was, “Don’t you think I’m more entitled to this money than you are, given that I’m the only one who can give our parents grandkids, and you’re just going to spend it on cats and plants?”
I am so hurt and bewildered by everyone’s behavior that I don’t know what to do. If any of them had managed to be kind to me for the length of even a single conversation—or apologized for the way they’ve treated me in the past!—I would absolutely give them money to help with medical bills and raising children. I have the money now to do so, after all. But as it is, the ways they are treating me make me want to cut them off completely and spend the money I would have given them on a diamond-studded collar for my cat. Can you advise me on how I should behave moving forward? My wife wants to give them nothing, but a part of me aches thinking of my dad’s medical bills (he’s in a lot of debt, I know) and I keep thinking of my young nieces, for whom there is apparently no money for new shoes and clothes. Should I give my sister and parents each a set portion of money to alleviate my guilt, or will that just open the door to further requests, pain, and pressure (as my wife suspects)? What’s the moral thing to do here?
—Inheritance Problems
Dear IP,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your grandfather sounds like a wonderful man and I am very glad you had him in your life. I’m also very sorry the rest of your family is being so awful—has always been so awful. I certainly understand where your wife is coming from.
But I also admire your empathy—your anguish—for your parents, despite their cruelty to you, despite how little they’ve given you. I admire your concern for your sister’s children even though her behavior toward you has been, and continues to be, unspeakably dreadful. You don’t need me or anyone else to tell you what the “moral” thing to do is. You seem to have a fine moral compass (I’ll venture a guess that your grandfather had something to do with this). I would say that you are fully justified in keeping your inheritance out of your family’s hands (your grandfather made this decision for a reason) but that your impulse to help your parents get out from under their crushing medical debt is a psychologically healthy one and a philosophically good one (and I mean Good with a capital G), as is your wish to clothe and shod your sister’s children (and perhaps help with the cost of their education).
I do not think it is mean of me to suggest that if you choose to do this, you ask your parents to send you those medical bills so that you can pay them directly and wipe the debt clean for them, rather than give them a gift of cash they neither deserve nor can be counted on to use for this purpose. Nor do I think it’s mean to suggest that if you decide to help the nieces you have never been allowed to meet, you send these gifts of clothes and shoes directly to the children and/or set up trusts for them. I do not believe you are under an obligation to do either of these things—and you are absolutely not obliged to “reconnect” with family members who have shunned you simply for being you. But if you act with kindness and compassion—and even love—in the face of unkindness and hatred, you will be doing something remarkable, truly doing Good.
I know you’re joking about the diamond collar for your cat, but if you really do have more money now than you need to live on, whatever you decide to do about your family’s requests for financial help, if you would like to make this inheritance more meaningful, why not contribute generously to an organization that helps and supports LGBTQ teens, such as the Trevor Project, the Family Acceptance Project, or True Colors United?—Michelle Herman
From: “My Grandfather Left Me His Entire (Huge) Estate” (April 18, 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
Our neighborhood has a small parents’ group with a Facebook page and occasional in-person meetups. Recently someone started coming who doesn’t have kids of their own but has been dating a single mom (who isn’t in our area). But they don’t have kids! I want to talk shit about parenting to parents. Can I ask them not to come? How would I even start that conversation?
—It’s Parenting-Related!
Dear IPR,
On behalf of the single mother who is dating this person, I am kindly asking—pleading, really—for you to allow them to stay in the group. Well, depending on why they joined. If they are trying to better understand the lives of parents so that they can be more empathetic and present in their relationships, or because they are building a relationship with their partner’s children, then have a heart! I would love to meet a soul like that—ask them if they have a tall Black brother for me, shoot.
Now, if they just joined to hang out with people and they are using the single-parent partner as an excuse to find a social circle, that is a little weird. Are you an administrator in this group? Would it be your job to ask them? Do they derail conversations about parenting, or are they just taking up space? If they aren’t bothering anyone, I’d let it go. Honestly, most people without kids don’t want to hang out with parents—maybe this could be like an exchange program where you all get to touch the world outside? This is strange, but I don’t think it’s cause for a situation unless they are somehow disrupting things. Maybe you all could outline some clearer rules so that someone who doesn’t have kids won’t feel like they can join. Also, make sure this “partner” actually exists and that this person didn’t join for more nefarious reasons … good luck!—Jamilah Lemieux
From: “Can I Kick the Nonparent Out of Our Parenting Group?” (July 2, 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 2-year-old daughter who is lucky to have two sets of grandparents who love and adore her. However, my mother-in-law will occasionally try to emotionally manipulate my daughter, and I’m not quite sure how to address it. She knows we don’t want to force hugs or physical interaction, and I think she tries to respect it. But she will say things like “That makes me sad” or “It is a holiday so please give me a hug or do [x]”. This is really emotionally manipulative. Is there a way for me to diplomatically shut it down?
I could ask my husband to talk to her about it, but I know she’ll get defensive. My MIL does this to everyone in her life and I’m not expecting her to change. I just don’t want my daughter to have to deal with it. Is there a way to counter this in the moment? Ideally, I could bat away the comment and make clear my daughter isn’t responsible for another person’s emotions without making it a commentary on how MIL interacts with people?
Is there an inoffensive boundary statement we can use to shut down emotionally manipulative statements that don’t sound too critical of the adult? I know I sound like I’m bending over backwards to avoid conflict, but I think it would be the most effective approach if possible.
— Beating Around the Boundaries
Dear Beating Around the Boundaries,
As a Crazy Consent Mom™️, I am SO glad that it’s becoming more mainstream to teach children about consent and bodily autonomy from a young age! Because this is a fairly new parenting concept, it does sometimes cause conflict with those in older generations who are not familiar with just why it’s so important. I wonder if your MIL understands the reasoning behind your decision not to force physical intimacy on your daughter? Explaining to her why this is important to you and your husband, in an empathetic but direct conversation, is worth a try. But there’s a good chance you still won’t get through to her, in which case I’m of the belief that the only way to enforce boundaries effectively is to do so clearly and firmly.
This is really hard for many of us! You can soften your statement by acknowledging and validating your MIL’s feelings by saying something like, “I can see it’s hard for you when she doesn’t feel like giving a hug. However, in our family, we believe in teaching consent, so please respect her decision.” You may want to ask your daughter if she feels like offering a less intimate form of interaction, like a high-five, instead.
Ultimately, adults should not be relying on physical affection from children to feel loved, or get their feelings hurt when children do not feel like engaging in that physical affection. And you owe it to your daughter to maintain your boundaries when your MIL pushes back on them because she needs to know not only that she has the right to say “no,” but just as vitally, that her “no” will be respected.—Emily McCombs
From: “My Mother-in-Law Will Not Stop Ignoring the Most Important Boundary We’ve Set With Our Daughter” (Dec. 28, 2022)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am in my early 30s and still unsure if I want kids. My partner feels the same. I am career-focused and have an active social life, so while I’ve always wanted a kid theoretically, it’s not something I feel willing to jump into if I’m not 100 percent sure. I think I would be perfectly fine if my life turns out to be childless.
My mother, however, is absolutely dead-set on a grandkid. My siblings are unlikely to provide her with one, so I get the full 1,000-watt beam of her broodiness. A while back, when we were talking about climate change, I mentioned that it was “another reason not to have a child” and she literally, no exaggeration, burst into tears on the street. Another time I asked her to sit down instead of hovering in the kitchen and she excitedly asked if I’d asked her to sit down because we had “news.” She talks about these fictional children all the time.
I have been very clear with her about my uncertainty, and I truly don’t know where to go from here. The pressure eats me up and makes me feel terribly guilty, especially because I might want to have kids one day, and I know by then it could be too late. After the sobbing on the street incident, I told her that it wasn’t fair for her to do this to me, and that it’s my life to live. She did agree with me and apologized, but went on to immediately tell me that if I did have children she could move closer to help take care of them. I otherwise have a pretty good relationship with her, but it’s also complicated by a rough history which isn’t entirely her fault. Part of me wants to tell her that I definitely will not have children so I can get her off my back and get breaking her heart out of the way quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid. I’m at my wit’s end! Do I just need to suck it up until menopause?
—Mommy Issues
Dear Mommy Issues,
You have already done what I would have advised you to do first, which is to firmly tell your mother that it’s your life, you’re not obligated to provide her with grandchildren, and it’s not fair for her to pressure you in any way. Of course, she has a right to want what she wants and feel how she feels, but it’s not right if she makes those desires or emotions your problem.
I might not tell her you’ve definitely made up your mind not to have kids unless that is honestly how you feel. But I would consider asking for a general moratorium on the subject. Make it clear that you don’t want her to bring up the possibility of future children with you from now on, partly because it’s no one else’s business and partly because she’s made the topic such a stressful one. She can talk to other people (literally anyone else in the world except you and your siblings) about her grandkid FOMO; you don’t have to be the person she brings it to!
I know it is easier said than done, given her behavior, but I hope you do try not to feel guilty or accept even a little bit of responsibility for your mom’s feelings or progress in this area. The work of accepting that she may not have grandchildren is ultimately hers to do—it is in no way on you.—Nicole Chung
From: “My Mother’s Pressure Campaign for Grandkids Just Crossed a Line” (May 19, 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
Ten years ago, our son announced that he was using his engineering degree to enter a teacher-training program. I’m ashamed to share that my wife and I were horrified by this decision. We’d funded his college education with the expectation that he’d be financially independent, and we had no idea if he could make ends meet as a teacher. We begged him to reconsider. We didn’t want him to end up financially insecure the way my wife and I both were when we were kids. Despite our efforts, our son became a teacher and has blossomed in that field. He won multiple teaching awards and now works in school administration; he intends to stay in education forever. He does not make a ton of money, but he certainly makes enough for a quiet life with his fiancée.
The problem is that he continues to hold on to ill feelings towards us about the way we treated his decision back in 2011. I will freely admit that my wife and I completely mishandled it. Instead of trusting him to make a good decision and asking questions to better understand his reasoning, we completely dominated every conversation and acted as if he wasn’t old enough to make his own decisions. In turn, he reacted with anger (as college students do) and said we were ruining his life. My wife now fears we’ve done permanent damage to the relationship. We’ve both apologized profusely, and our son does say he’s forgiven us and understands where we were coming from, but there is still distance there. He doesn’t talk to us about his teaching accomplishments and has said it’s because he still feels like we’re judging him. I’m heartbroken at the damage we’ve done—but I also feel like I’m being punished for wanting the best for him and choosing the wrong way to express it. I’m starting to get frustrated that he does not seem to be willing to let us repair the relationship. Do you have any ideas on how we address and apologize for the hurt we’ve caused, and move on as a family?
—Father of the Educator
Dear FotE,
I’m sorry to hear about the distance between you and your son; I’m sorry he still feels judged, and I’m sorry you’re so frustrated. But I’m not convinced that you understand what it is you need to be sorry for, which makes me wonder if your profuse apologies have been along the lines of “I’m sorry that you felt we were ruining your life” rather than “I’m sorry, we were utterly wrong, we did not understand that the decision was yours to make, or that wanting you to be a ‘financial success’ was more important to us at the time than your sense of fulfillment and happiness.” You say that you feel as if you’re “being punished for wanting the best for him.” The best what, exactly?
It seems pretty clear that after ten years he is still hurt and angry. He’s not “holding on to” his feelings: he feels them. If you want to make headway here, you are going to have to understand what his feelings are and why he has them—why he had them then, why he still does. If I had to guess, I’d bet that he feels resentful and judged because he feels—deeply—that you equate success with money. This is a message children pick up from their parents all the time, even when there isn’t the sort of outright crisis of values that occurred in your household: they hear their parents’ derisive remarks about other people’s choices of profession; they see how their parents treat people they don’t consider successful. It seems to me that you’ve done nothing up to this point to make clear to your son that you don’t equate money with success. It seems to me that in fact you still don’t see the problem for what it is—that you have confused “success” with earning power, and that you continue to confuse the two.
Is that really what makes a “successful” life? Earning the most money one can? Why? Your son has honorable, meaningful work he loves and is committed to; it seems he has a partner he loves and is committed to. He has a roof over his head and enough to eat and “certainly enough” for the life he is interested in leading. He doesn’t feel the need for anything else. Except perhaps your approval and genuine pride—and your heartfelt acknowledgment that you were wrong. Make sure when you tell him this, you mean it.—Michelle
From: “My Son Won’t Forgive Me for My Misguided Advice” (Aug. 29, 2021)
More Advice From Slate
My children (10, 8, 6, and 5) have been attending school virtually since March. Our 5-year-old misses his friends and the in-person nature of school, but has been doing very well in long-distance kindergarten. He’s always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but he’s not regressed too much. My mother-in-law moved in with us in August, for the foreseeable future, and my partner and I have noticed that she treats the 5-year-old differently than she did the others at the same age, especially when it comes to discipline.
