Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I live in America, but come from a very social culture wherein we either host or get hosted by our family friends (who are so close to us that they would better be described as “family” and not merely friends) almost every week. As I am preparing for college in the coming year, I have been faced with a dilemma: there are several others my age in this group, and their parents and mine are inadvertently pitting us against each other. I am still in high school, but it’s already expected by the entire group that I will go to an amazing university. My parents encourage this, often name-dropping my accomplishments in casual conversation. Not only does this put pressure on me to live up to these expectations, it also drives a wedge between me and the others my age who, whether unconsciously or not, resent me.
On one hand, I’m glad my parents are proud of me, and of course I enjoy the congratulations. On the other, if I fail—which, with the state of college admissions these days, is not unheard of—it will be extremely embarrassing. I also don’t wish to lose these friends if I do end up succeeding. How should I address this with my parents?
—Under Pressure
Dear Under Pressure,
Even though what you’re dealing with isn’t uncommon, it’s still extremely annoying. I think you need to control your own narrative, and you can do that by having two conversations.
To your point, it’s nice that your parents believe in you, but the way they’re going about it is all wrong. I would deliver them a dose of tough love and you can say something along the lines of, “I love the fact that you support me, but I don’t like how you and my friends’ parents are boasting about our academic achievements to each other. Not only is this negatively impacting my relationships with my friends, but it also puts a ton of pressure on me, and my mental health is suffering because of it. Going forward, I want you to stop doing this, and I want you to have a discussion with the other parents as well.” If your parents are of sound mind, they should realize that this isn’t a good look to make their child suffer due to their actions, so they should back off.
Additionally, you should speak with your buddies and make sure they know that you aren’t in competition with them. Throw your parents under the bus if you need to, because quite frankly, it’s their fault you’re in this spot to begin with. You can say, “I really don’t like the bad vibes I’m feeling lately between all of us, and it’s all because our parents keep trying to pit us against each other. I can’t speak for all of you, but the most important thing to me isn’t what college we get into or our GPAs, it’s our friendship. I hope we can focus on having fun together and not the other noise.” In doing so, you should also advise your friends to tell their parents to knock it off in the same way you told your mom and dad.
The goal is to bring awareness to everyone involved that you don’t like what’s happening, and hopefully everyone will fall in line once they know what’s up. And to the parents reading this — please don’t behave this way, because I will be the first person to walk away from you or give you a 180-degree eyeroll if you pull the whole, “Let me tell you all of the amazing ways my kid is better than your kid” routine. Let kids be kids, for crying out loud.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have been married for 7 years to the most wonderful, compassionate, giving man, and I am extremely happy! He has 6 children with his ex-wife, (who has never had a job, and gets thousands of dollars a month in maintenance.) All of these kids have been brought up very privileged and have received anything they have ever asked for. They did not have jobs until after college, (that was 100 percent paid for by my husband.) and all got their own car and allowance throughout their lives. A few of the children just call their father when they need money or something else, and they also are known to throw big tantrums (even as adults), if they do not get what they’ve asked for. I raised my own children to work hard for material things, respect adults, and know that family is very important. I am struggling with the differences of our children and also the way my stepchildren treat me. My children struggle with this as well and do not want a relationship with my husband’s kids. Therefore, that makes holidays very hard.
Should I start professional therapy, or just deal with this? It’s starting to affect my relationship with my husband.
—Just Want a Happy Life
Dear Just Want,
First off, “just dealing” with pain and suffering is not something I would ever advise, because life is too short to be miserable. This absolutely needs to be addressed, but it’s important to be cognizant of how you approach it.
Critiquing how your husband handles his adult children may not be a worthwhile endeavor, but I wouldn’t fault you if you wanted to try. In doing so, I wouldn’t try to make him out to be the bad guy — but instead, you could say something along the lines of, “I’ve noticed that your kids only call when they need something and they tend to blow up at you when they don’t get what they want. I could be wrong, but it doesn’t seem healthy.” Sometimes just hearing something like that from someone you love can be enough to push someone to change. On the flipside, if your relationship is on shaky ground, it could make things even worse. Either way, I’ll leave that for you to decide.
One thing that isn’t debatable is that you should speak up about how his adult kids are treating you and your children. To do so, you can say, “I really don’t like the disrespectful way your kids speak to me. Not only are they impacting my mental health, but our kids are bothered by this as well. Our kids told me that they don’t want to be around them anymore, and I’m planning to grant that request if their behavior doesn’t change. Either you can talk to them, or I will, but I can promise you that I’m not going to allow this to continue anymore.” Granted, this is something that your husband should step up and handle, but it could fall on your shoulders if he’s unwilling. Even if you’re not the confrontational type, you should step outside of your comfort zone to ensure something changes immediately.
If speaking up is too much for you, then I would recommend going to marriage counseling as soon as possible. Having an impartial third party offer their opinion on your situation could make a world of difference, and it could get your husband to see the light. To be clear, I think you should engage in marriage counseling regardless of if you decide to set his adult kids straight or not.
He needs to understand how serious of an issue this is for you no matter what it takes. If he truly loves you, he’ll do his part to repair your marriage.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am struggling with whether or not to stay in my marriage. This is my second marriage, and I thought I chose better this time around, but I think I made another major mistake. I have been married for 3 1/2 years and my first marriage ended after 16 years. I have two kids from my first marriage. They are in middle school, and one has autism. I also have two kids from my current marriage and one has Down syndrome. I am often overwhelmed and exhausted because I do 95 percent of the housework and childcare. I also work part time, mostly for the health insurance for myself and the kids. I feel like a single mom so much of the time.
My big kids are not big fans of their stepdad because he can be pretty insensitive. Our most recent argument was because he dropped my older son off at school late. My husband’s response was to defend himself, say he did nothing wrong, and turn the blame on me because I didn’t support him like a “good wife.” I will never put any person above what is right. I am tired of these arguments, his selfish defensiveness, and manipulative attempts to smear me.
At the same time, the thought of leaving makes me so sad because I know how hard that path is. The thought of being a single mom to four kids, two with major special needs is beyond exhausting. We have tried counseling, workshops, you name it. He just doesn’t seem capable of change, and I don’t think I can do this again for the rest of my life. He is like a giant child, and I feel like life with him is a giant roller coaster.
—Tired of Being a Married Single Mom
Dear Tired,
I’m not going to shame you regarding your choice for a second husband because I’m sure he was charming when you married him — but he doesn’t sound like a great guy. Even as a dude, the line he spewed about wanting you to be a “good wife” by supporting him when he’s wrong made my stomach turn.
I’m also not going to tell you that leaving him would be easy, and I’m not saying that you should leave him without pulling out all of the stops first — but staying because you’re worried about life being difficult without him is not a good reason. Life is already difficult with him!
You mentioned you’ve tried counseling, but I think you should pull him aside and tell him firmly what you want and that you will walk if he doesn’t change. Only you know the specifics of what you want, so I’ll leave that to you, but you can end the talk by using my favorite anti-gaslighting line, “My feelings about this are not up for debate.”
He needs to know that you’re serious and you must follow through if he doesn’t do what you’ve demanded (not asked) of him. In other words, you can’t accept him as a changed man after a week of good behavior. A slip-up every now and then is normal, but the key is that you need to see sustained effort for months on end.
If I’m being honest, I have a strong feeling that this guy isn’t going to change, and if I’m right, you should get out of the marriage as soon as possible. None of this will be easy, but you should go back to what you typed in your letter, namely, “I will never put any person above what’s right.” What’s “right” means doing whatever it takes to protect the mental health of yourself and your kids, even if that means filing for divorce.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two boys, aged 8 and 5, who have recently been introduced to nerf guns. My husband and I are not gun people, and I personally have a lot of anxiety about school shootings and sending my kids out into a world with guns. It’s important to me that they understand that guns are not toys, and I hate the idea of them having pretend wars with their friends. My cousin died by suicide when I was a teenager, and even though I know nerf guns are pretend and lots of kids have them, I can’t help but hate everything they represent. We don’t allow them in the house, but it seems like every friend of theirs has them and when we go over to play they inevitably gravitate towards them. I’m not sure what to do. It seems unreasonable to not allow them to play with certain toys at a friend’s house and I don’t know if this is a personal hang up of mine or if I have cause to be concerned. Is this something I should try to let go of, or is this something I should draw stricter boundaries around and ask their friends’ parents to put them away before we come over?
—Can’t they just play with LEGOs?
Dear LEGOs,
I’ve made no secret in this column that I’m the biggest anti-gun person you’ll find. But even I think your fears about toy guns could be overblown.
Growing up, I had all types of toy guns in my house and played “Cops and Robbers” on a daily basis with my brothers and other buddies. On top of that, as a teenager, I played a ton of violent video games that included gunning down humans, zombies, aliens, and animals with semi-automatic weapons. But guess what? There was never a moment in my life where I felt like I wanted to turn the pretend world into real life because my parents did an amazing job of teaching me right from wrong. Not to mention, as a grown man, I occasionally dabble in violent video games and I still despise guns with a passion.
Yes, America has a big gun problem. But I definitely don’t recommend you ask other parents to put away their toy guns. Your son will be OK if he plays with them. If you teach your sons about the dangers of real guns, they will get the picture. Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for. Talking to parents about putting their real guns away is a different story entirely, of course. Take a deep breath and let your kids be kids.
—Doyin
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