This special edition is part of our Guest Prudie series, where we ask smart, thoughtful people to step in as Prudie for the day and give you advice.
Today’s columnist is comedian and actor, Patton Oswalt, whose new Netflix special We All Scream is out now. He also writes the original comic series Minor Threats, which will be released in trade paperback in June.
We asked Oswalt to weigh in on negative mother-in-laws, Instagram food photos, and milestone cruises:
Dear Prudence,
I, like countless others, have a complicated relationship with my mother-in-law. She is negative, casually insulting, and dismissive, and is apparently clueless about how her words and attitude affect others. When my now-husband and I first started dating, I tried very hard to have a good relationship with her, despite how anxious she made me feel. My efforts came to an abrupt halt, however, when my husband and I announced my pregnancy to her. She was ice cold. I can still feel the chill I felt as she stared me down, lips pursed. It took her hours before she was able to utter anything congratulatory or positive. (Her first two comments were, to me: “Well, I guess you won’t be wearing my wedding dress.” We were in the midst of wedding planning. And then to my husband: “Did I at least find out before Grandpa?”) I realized then and there that I had a duty to protect my unborn child from her negativity.
And I have. My daughter is now 16 months. We have maintained solid boundaries with my MIL. She sees our daughter about once a month but hasn’t babysat or had any unsupervised time with her. Sometimes, I think we’re being too harsh, so I open the door a little more to my MIL and invite her over. But most of the time, when I let my guard down like this, she zings us in some way: She’ll ignore my husband’s stories or criticize him; she’ll say something like “Why didn’t you get your father’s eyelashes?” or “What’s that FACE?” to my daughter, and then follow it up with, “Must have gotten it from all that TV she’s watching.” Recently, she asked me for pictures; so I sent her a handful. She didn’t reply. A few days later, I sent another picture (trying to include her!) of my daughter sitting in a chair at Target. My MIL responded that I should tell my daughter that, “That isn’t her color.” I told her that was a rude thing to say, that the world is cruel enough, and that I’d like to protect my daughter from unnecessary criticism and casual negativity. She said she agreed.
Prudence, I’m conflicted. What do I owe my MIL? My daughter is her only grandchild. She lives five minutes away. I have no other family in town. To be clear: I do not want MIL to babysit or “help” in any way. I know that as my daughter’s mother, I have the “power” in this relationship and it’s my duty to be gracious here. I know my MIL wants a relationship with my daughter. I know she can be loving toward her, in her own way. I certainly don’t want to be around my MIL or interact with her any more than I have to. And I don’t want my daughter to absorb any of my MIL’s attitudes or negativity, lest she internalizes her criticisms or because overly critical of herself. But I’m sad for my MIL, that she can’t have the closeness she craves with others (because she won’t do the emotional work—she will not go to therapy), and I feel a little guilty for my part in it, too, in being so firm in our boundaries and distance with her. How much of the work to repair our relationship should I do, on her behalf and for her benefit? Should I be letting her see my daughter more often? Let it happen unsupervised? Am I being too harsh, or am I right to keep her at arm’s length?
—As Unsweet as Grandma?
Dear Unsweet as Grandma,
This is really sad. Your mother-in-law had a number run on her as a child, probably by her mother, and that’s what she slings back at the world. It’s all she knows to do. She doesn’t want to be this way—who would?—but she simply lacks the programming to act any other way. Someone like that needs to be treated with compassion and understanding, to bring them out of their shell, so that they can live as a fully realized, self-actualized human being capable of joy and happiness.
But NONE of that compassion and understanding needs to come from you and it ESPECIALLY doesn’t have to come from your daughter. I know this sounds harsh, but at some point in your life, you are responsible for choosing how your circumstances affect you. Your MIL chose to let whatever trauma, neglect, or abuse she was subjected to shape her into this thorny, brittle pain emitter.
So, with that in mind, she gets the minimal amount of time with your daughter. And if you get any indication she’s starting to run those same loops on your daughter, then she loses all contact. No discussion, no bargaining. Your daughter deserves a chance to form herself with joy and love, and there’s no such thing as “respecting your elders” if your elders are just going to keep the same cycles of self-loathing alive in the next generation. Fuck ‘em. The present and future belong to those who have defeated their pasts, and I’m sorry, but it sounds like your MIL forfeited her place in both. So she doesn’t get to rob your daughter of either.
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Dear Prudence,
I have a pretty/petty basic etiquette question about family weddings: Can I ask to not be seated with particular family members? I’m in my 30s and have been mostly estranged from my father, his wife, and their kids for the past 15-plus years; however, I’ve stayed close to cousins, aunts, and uncles from his side, often being invited to spend holidays with them. This is the first wedding in my generation, the first time everyone will be together since our grandma passed away, and the first time I’ll be around everyone since getting sober last year. I don’t have a plus one and will be traveling across the country for it. I really, really don’t want to be stuck at a table tensed and triggered with “family” when I could spend that time laughing and loving with Family, if that makes sense.
I know the wedding havers know my history with my father’s family, but they’re also pretty traditional and I imagine will seat us all together. Would it be offensive/scandalous/unheard of for me to request that I be sat separately? Or is this a thing that I give up to the universe and breathe through?
—Tough Sit
Dear Tough Sit,
You already know what to do here, since it sounds like you’ve learned, in your 30-plus years, to take care of yourself, and to listen to the gut-voice when it raises an objection. Plus, you have a backup option. Wanna know what it is?
Okay, here goes: Ask The Wedding Havers to seat you with the cousins. Kindly, but firmly, remind them of your family history, and that you’d like to be seated with the Cousins, Aunts, and Uncles. If that makes them uncomfortable—if they say that want you with your “family” instead of your Family—shrug and say, “Hey, that’s cool I get it.”
Then show up and switch seats. Go sit with your Family. People switch seats at weddings all the time and believe me, The Wedding Havers will have two dozen other things on their minds and won’t give a shit. You take care of yourself first. Yes them to death and then go sit where you want.
Help! My Wife’s Friend Is Not Her Friend.
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Dear Prudence,
My wife “Elena” (30s F) recently got her driver’s license. Her family was abusive and actively prevented her from learning to drive by withholding vital documents and refusing to teach her. It’s only in the past couple of years after graduation that we’ve been able to afford a car and during the pandemic purchased a small home. Once we became financially stable, we got her adult driving lessons.
I think she’s trying to make up for lost time because, on her days off, Elena goes on drives out to national parks or state parks. She starts early, sometimes before dawn, and sometimes doesn’t return until early evening. This leaves me taking transit to work. A 15-minute commute now takes over an hour. I can’t go to the gym before work because the timing doesn’t work anymore. It’s harder to run errands, the bus is full of “characters,” and the inconveniences run on. I even was late to work once because I needed to use the restroom and ended up missing the bus by just two minutes. I’m much more tired and stressed than before.
After a particularly difficult day, I complained about her taking the car. She got mad at me and said she buses to work all the time, and that she deserves to take the car out on her days off because she still uses transit for her work commute (although I will pick her up and we’ll carpool home when our schedules align). A second car isn’t financially possible for us. Do I just need to suck it up?
—Reluctant Rider
Dear Reluctant Rider,
Oh man, yikes. As someone who loves driving around, and understands the value of a long trek with music and new scenery, I understand where she’s coming from emotionally. Especially after being denied that freedom by her weird family. I don’t even want to dig into whatever Shirley Jackson scenario that was.
But the emotions are going to have to make a compromise with reality here. You gotta say, “Weekends? The car is yours. Take all the trips you want. I’ll come with you. But I need that car for work—to keep me less stressed, and healthier, so I can hopefully advance my career and earn enough money to get a second car just for you.” Is she open to delaying immediate gratification in the short term for a big payoff down the road? How did she do on the marshmallow test when she was younger? And, again, her family sounds fucking weird.
Dear Prudence,
I am a big guy and have a physically demanding job. When I am hungry, I want to eat. My girlfriend has started to get into the same bad habits as her girlfriends—they have to take pictures of everything! Their cats, their cakes, their clothes—they spend more time living through their phone lens than their eyeballs.
Again that is their choice but my girlfriend has started to do that to my food when we go out. Up to ten minutes of getting the right angle, lighting, whatever, while our food is getting cold. Every time we go out. We keep arguing about it. So I started taking a monster bite out of the meal before she can pull out her phone. She hates it and says I am ruining the presentation and being childish. I say none of our children or grandchildren are going to want to see forty pictures of her food from 40 years ago. If she wants her meal to get cold, fine. I actually want to eat. I feel like this is an adequate boundary. She doesn’t. We need a tiebreaker, here.
—Want to Eat
Dear Want to Eat,
The Plague of Documentation that has swept the countryside is an insidious foe. People are outsourcing their memories onto silicon chips and no one has any real memories to access in their quiet moments. The cloud could be full of symphonies and novels but instead, it’s groaning under the weight of a million brunch photos.
I think you’ve got the right idea, taking a bite of your food before a picture can be snapped. You’re just gonna have to go into a mode I call “Richard Stark’s Parker” on this one—just quietly refuse, time after time, to comply. Hunker down and eat your food, photos be damned. There will be fights and resentment, and after all of the hurly-burly, she’ll realize she ain’t getting photos of your food, and she should aim her lens at more accommodating plates. I know people like that—always halting an actual moment from happening to capture a frozen, unnatural artifact in place of a breathing, living memory. I’ve yet to find a way to defeat the Documentation Plague. So simply do not comply. Make your fork your shield.
Dear Prudence,
A few months ago, I impulsively proposed a vacation next year to Europe to my mom as we are both having milestone birthdays. We were excited and booked an expensive cruise and put a non-refundable deposit on it. We also agreed to split the costs 50/50. Since then I’ve had significant health troubles and have had to change to a very limited diet, and am not sure my dietary restrictions can be managed on a trip. I’ve also realized I probably won’t be able to afford the vacation. I’ve broached the topic with my mom, listed my concerns, and said I’m not sure I’m going to go. She is very angry and dismisses my concerns. I’m also not sure if she can afford the vacation either, but she has always been in denial about her financial situation. I messed up big and am not sure what to do next, since she is the one that booked the trip, and I can’t cancel it for her. What do I do?
—Impulsive Daughter
Dear Impulsive Daughter,
It sounds like both of you need to be realistic about your situation, both physically and financially. Milestone birthdays can be celebrated in a dozen amazing ways, and having to cancel a cruise and eat a deposit is far preferable to spending the entire amount for the cruise and possibly worsening your health. You need to have that conversation.
That said, I must politely end my advice here because I would have to be drugged or blackmailed before I ever took a cruise. If I’m going to celebrate a milestone trip around the sun, it certainly wouldn’t be on a floating diarrhea barge surrounded by pasty flesh slathered in coconut oil, while screaming kids zoom overhead on an unsafe waterslide. I’d rather enter my twilight years blowing out the candles on a Carvel cake being served to me near the sluice chute on a slaughterhouse killing floor.
But, if you do decide to go, enjoy your cruise!
When Paul Feig Was Prudie
I’m a full-on adult who can’t seem to handle arguments. From major disagreements with loved ones to mild, low-stakes debates online, I just feel awful when I get into it with someone. My heart races, my jaw clenches, I can’t think about anything else, I make counterarguments in my head endlessly, and I generally feel like garbage.
