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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I am a woman in my mid-20s and I have a thing for impact play as the receiver. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to indulge my kink for the better part of a year, simply not being able to find the right partner who does it right. I think it’s because of the deprivation, but it led me to an immensely embarrassing episode.
I train at a Krav Maga studio twice a week. There’s usually a full contact sparring and we rotate through who we go up against. In my last session, I was sparring against Cliff, another regular at the studio who looks to be 40-something, kind of handsome. We were circling and looking for openings, and he slipped a roundhouse kick under my guard and caught me in the lower right ribs. I had an orgasm, an intense one. I fell down moaning. He was actually really worried, which was sweet and helps me back up. But it soon became clear what happened, and I am still super embarrassed.
I’m torn between never bringing it up again and maybe even finding a new place to train on one hand, and asking him out on the other. Except neither really works. I like it at the studio and I would hate to have to go looking for another one. And Cliff is married, and really outside of that he attends the same studio I do, I don’t know a thing about him. I just don’t know what to do here.
Rich: How do you think the orgasm became apparent? Do you think there was a wetness involved? Is that what the implication is there?
Stoya: I have no idea. I am not even sure that it became clear.
Rich: Yeah. Seems like a thing you could play off, right?
Stoya: Yeah, but also, straight men, I mean I assume gay men as well, often have no idea whether a woman has had an orgasm or not—
Rich: Totally.
Stoya: …until they’re informed. They have no idea. Because what orgasms look like is so broad and so varied, and unless what happened was like Meg Ryan in—
Rich: When Harry Met Sally.
Stoya: Yes, in Katz’s Deli, he really might not know.
Rich: Yes.
Stoya: So if it wasn’t like Meg Ryan playing Sally, and if it wasn’t a situation where this woman
said to Cliff, “I just had an orgasm,” don’t bring it up again.
Rich: Totally. Just pretend like it never happened.
Stoya: Exactly. If he brings it up, be prepared to say, “I am completely mortified and I considered changing studios, and I apologize that that happened,” and leave it there unless he asks for further detail. But he really might not know.
Rich: I hear all the time about people farting in yoga and presumably they keep going, right? When you’re pushing your bodies to certain limits in a group, you accept that there are sometimes consequences of exertion. These things happen with bodies. By being in this class, we’re in the realm of bodies right now and all that comes with it. Obviously, nobody woke up with, “I’m going to kick somebody today and she’s going to come,” on their bingo card. But at the same time, there’s a vast range of things that are happening in gyms all the time, and so I’m sure weirder stuff has happened. I’m sure people pee. I’m sure all kinds of inconvenient stuff happen. So this seems to me like the kind of a thing where, again, unless it’s this grand display of orgasmic delight, you’re probably good.
Good enough to stick with the studio, right?
Stoya: Probably. And just in case we should address this: No, do not ask Cliff out either. But I also feel like it’s worth considering whether there is a pro dominant our letter writer can engage in impact play with every once in a while as a release valve, so this isn’t happening a lot. Because if it’s happening a lot, then yeah, someone’s going to notice and then this woman’s going to have to explain, “Well, I just kind of kept coming back, knowing that this is a thing that happens when I’m not experiencing impact play during sex.”
Rich: Well, also, on top of that, if you already know that you’re into impact play and can orgasm from this thing that’s happening in this class that you’re taking, it doesn’t seem like a coincidence that you’re taking Krav Maga class, which provides many opportunities for impact. In fact, it seems like you’re setting yourself up for at least low-key erotic stimulation, if not having an orgasm in front of people. I would assume that those things are not disconnected, that there’s a very straight line between the kink and the reason that she signed up for this class. So you can look into another class or you can accept that you’re playing with fire and you might have an orgasm.
Stoya: I strongly suggest that she accepts that she’s playing with fire and starts finding ways to do a controlled burn in a more appropriate venue with people who’ve consented to be the giver of an impact orgasm.
Rich: Yeah. I think the answer is to push through. She clearly states that she doesn’t feel like looking for another studio. Treat it like a fart in yoga and just keep going.
More Advice From Slate
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