Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
For the better part of a year now I’ve been seeing an absolutely amazing man named “Ben.” He’s tall, gorgeous, gentle, mature, considerate, aesthetically sensitive, intellectually curious, and shares my love of culture and travel. He just proposed to me, and I accepted.
Ben has a darling almost 2-year-old son, “Toby,” and is the most joyful, loving and devoted father you could imagine. He told me that Toby’s mother, his ex-girlfriend “Starr,” was a terribly angry, bitter, spiritually ugly person, and when they had an unintended pregnancy, Ben and his family paid Starr to carry the baby to term and relinquish her parental rights. Starr hasn’t seen Toby since his birth, and Ben intends to keep things that way. As soon as we’re married Ben wants me to adopt Toby, and to raise him believing I’m his birth mother and our children are his full siblings. Due to health considerations and the existence of DNA testing, Ben is reluctantly willing to tell Toby he had a different birth mother once he’s an adult, but does not want to give him any identifying information about Starr.
The rest of Ben’s family are in complete agreement with this. However, I can’t quite get on board. Despite not knowing Starr personally, I find it hard to believe she would have totally given up her child if not for the financial temptation. And no matter what she’s like, I’m sure Toby at some point will want to know more about her and have the option of some kind of relationship with her. Would it be wrong for me to agree to Ben’s wishes for now, but keep the intention of renegotiating this later? Or even go behind his back and tell Toby the truth when he’s maybe 7 or 8, instead of 18+? Or should I refuse to marry Ben, denying myself a perfect partner and Toby (whom I already adore) a mother figure, if he stands firm on this?
— No Loving Lies
Dear Loving Lies,
Wait a minute! You want to marry a man who you believe used money to separate his son from his mother? Reasonable people can disagree about how much to shield children from complicated and potentially painful truths about their families, but I think the way this all started—Ben’s family paying Starr to relinquish her rights—is incredibly, incredibly troubling. I’m going to have to disagree that Ben is a “perfect partner,” and I’m worried that he’ll try to overpower or manipulate you at some point in your relationship, just like he did his ex. When it comes to his request that you pretend to be Toby’s birth mother, it sounds like he wants to sweep the past under the rug and enjoy the image of a ready-made family rather than doing the more difficult work of being honest with his kid. This tendency toward using secrecy to keep up appearances is a red flag to me.
Yes, it would be wrong for you to agree to go along with this plan with the intention of “renegotiating” or going behind his back. But the bigger mistake you’re at risk of making is marrying someone who seems to have a pattern of selfishly disregarding what’s best for his loved ones. If you go through with the marriage before seeing Ben make a major shift toward sensitivity and honestly, you’ll be next.
We Want Your Weird Pet Problems!
For a special feature, let our writers give you advice for handling the unruly critters in your life. We’re especially looking for questions about unusual pets: rodents, reptiles, birds, horses, exotic fish—we welcome them all. Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Prudence,
I’m the mom of a 28-year-old son who lives on his own and works hard and has his own business. We’ve been on good terms until recently. He wanted me to meet his girlfriend with grandpa over lunch. He gave notice and had to confirm a date since she needed to book time off work. The day came and I didn’t confirm with my dad regarding a date and time and when I called he had other plans. I apologized to my son several times on the phone. He got upset and hung up on me. After a while he sent a text saying we can reschedule lunch for another time. It’s been over a month and I’ve called and left messages and haven’t heard from him. I’m a bit annoyed; however, I’d like to resolve this.
— Frustrated Getting Nowhere
Dear Frustrated,
Sounds to me like he’s either deeply annoyed because this is part of a pattern of you flaking out on him (if that’s not true, disregard it!) or things have gone downhill with the girlfriend.
Either way, it’s out of your hands now, and there is nothing really to resolve. You’ve let him know that you want to make yourself available and the ball is in his court. Something tells me you’ll get a call when they’re in a better place or when he’s in a new relationship. For now, try text messages that read less like “Bumping this up! Still hoping to schedule lunch. Please let me know your availability.” and more like “Hey, I haven’t heard from you and I hope you’re doing okay. If I’ve done anything to make you upset with me please let me know and let’s talk. I love you.”
Dear Prudence,
I desperately need some perspective on what is probably a common problem. My husband and I have three young children and two dogs, and we both work full time. We also have a wonderful nanny and the resources to outsource some household tasks, like cleaning and yard maintenance. In many ways, we’re very privileged.
That said, there is still an enormous amount of “daily grind” work that needs to get done, and since we both work, most of it has to happen on weekends. I have accepted that this is where we are in our lives, and I try to create joy in mundane tasks like grocery shopping and laundry. I take the kids and let them push the cart, or pour a glass of wine and watch a movie while I fold laundry. You get the idea.
My husband, on the other hand, never got over the loss of his “me” time. Especially since the thrid was born, he is perpetually grouchy, complaining about the endless stream of chores, the demands of the kids, and the lack of time to pursue his hobbies. By the end of the weekend, he’s often raging, and I just try to stay out of his way. Every time I remind him that WE CHOSE THIS, he fights back that “everyone needs a break.” Which is true, except that his idea of a break is multiple hours both weekend days, where he can disappear and do whatever he pleases, which is just not reality. (As an aside, we do have family nearby that might be able to help, but it’s a complicated relationship and not a good option.)
I’m tired of fighting about this. Am I missing something? Am I a robot that doesn’t mind things that other people hate? Should we be trying harder to carve out alone time for each of us? Or, how do I get him to understand that he gave up his carefree, responsibility-free life when we started our family?
— Don’t Need Another Kid
Dear Another Kid,
Some people are just better at dealing with the ups and downs of life than others. The fact that your husband is getting a C- while you’re earning an A is not your problem. I mean, it’s your problem because he’s making you miserable but it’s not something you have to solve, on top of everything else you’re dealing with just to get through the day. You don’t have to get him to understand anything. You don’t have to carve out more time for him. You don’t have to force him to understand that this is what he signed up for. You definitely don’t have to question whether something is wrong with you for being a well-adjusted human who is finding ways to enjoy a (predictably!) challenging time in your life.
Don’t get me wrong, your husband’s struggle is real and his desperation for “me time” is valid. The truth is, tons of parents feel like they’re drowning. Tons of parents are still traumatized by the way their lives were upended by the pandemic. Tons of parents are on their 12th cold and 4th urgent care trip of the season and are out of sick days and don’t see an end in sight. Childcare is too expensive! Kids constantly have to wear costumes to school! The laundry never stops! It takes a village but nobody has a village! Etcetera. Moms and dads everywhere (especially those who have less resources than you two do) are having all kinds of negative feelings. But this is the thing: It is okay for your husband to be as mad and overwhelmed as he wants to be, but is it not okay for him to “rage” at you as a result.
His inner world is not your job to fix, nor is his schedule. Maybe there’s a way for him to get more naps. But he needs to arrange childcare to make that happen. If it’s at the point where he needs medication or therapy, he needs to get it. And if not, he just has to find the strength to be a reasonably kind and pleasant person despite not liking his life right now. Tell him that. “I know you’re upset but it’s not okay to yell at us. We’re leaving for two hours to get some space. This isn’t ‘me time’ for you. Please have the laundry folded and dinner ready when we get back. Again, stop yelling at me. Goodbye, we’ll see you later.”
Your ability to remain emotionally steady and find joy in mundane tasks is something your kids will observe and learn from. Refusing to be the target of adult tantrums will set a great example too.
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
More Advice From Slate
My cousin recently married a lovely girl. My whole family loves her, and she’s always been very sweet to us. She’s intelligent and kind, but the issue is her wardrobe. She’s very pretty but refuses to wear nice clothes, instead wearing baggy, boring clothes. My whole family is fashion-conscious, and I know my cousin has suggested to her several times that she buy new clothing—to no avail. He thinks she’s self-conscious about her size. Her birthday is coming up, and my sister and I would like to take her shopping as a birthday gift to buy her some nicer clothes…
