How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I have a new partner who is really well endowed, both in length and girth. He has an injury that restricts position options for at least the next two to three months (i.e. no missionary). When I’m on top I can control the depth, but it’s not my preferred position, at least not for the whole time. Side-lying involves a lot of cervix jabbing. And oral sex—well, wow he’s big. Any suggestions?
—Doing Big Better
Dear Doing Big Better,
The Ohnut is a device we’ve recommended here in the past, which might help with the depth issue you’re experiencing in positions where you’re laying on your side. You can also try squeezing or stroking the base of your partner’s cock during penetration. When you’re on top, tilting forwards or backward can give some variety and give your muscles a chance to recover. You might find that some variety helps you enjoy being on top for longer. And, if he’s able to sit upright for a few minutes at a time, you can wrap your legs around his waist and brace your arms on the bed or his shoulders.
As for oral sex, a lot will depend on what your partner is open to, and how girthy he is in comparison to your mouth. Gentle licking with the tip of your tongue is one option, and tensing your tongue to provide firm pressure is another. You might use your hands to squeeze or stroke. If you’re trying to go deeper than you’re able to accommodate, your molars might scrape his head, so have a talk about whether he’s open to that and make sure you can hear him in case he needs to communicate with you while you do it.
But do your best to accept the limitations of the kind of sex the two of you can have during this time. It’s a few months, and this can be an opportunity to try new positions.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a man, in a marriage to a woman I’ve known and loved since high school. We’ve been married 14 years but together more than 20. I am her first and only and she is mine. Although I have scoured the internet for porn and imagery, nothing gets me going like her. She’s very vanilla and very conservative about sex—no oral (giving or receiving) and everything has to line up before we can get intimate. For example, no one’s home, kids are sleeping, it’s dark, etc. This is fine, I love her for who she is.
But my question is how do I express to her that I want more? I want to go down on her and I want her to be more aggressive toward sex with me. It seems almost at times like she just gives in and has sex despite not wanting to and it at times gets a little repetitive when we do. How can I bring it up without hurting her feelings or making her feel less desirable? I want lingerie, passion, and all the goodies that come with it, but I don’t want it to turn from a positive to a negative experience for us.
—Happy But Needing More
Dear Happy But Needing More,
Take a moment to consider the state of your relationship overall. Are you showing her appreciation in other areas? Are you intimate emotionally, and do you engage in physical touch outside of sexual interactions? Regardless, broaching this subject is a risk. There is no way to guarantee a positive outcome here. You’ve been together for over two decades, and you have children together. She is accustomed to a certain kind of interaction with you, and she may feel surprised or upset if you overwhelm her. Have you and your wife talked about sex in the past? If you have, try to remember what she has expressed to you. If you’ve had productive conversations, consider what was helpful. And if you haven’t, consider what has shut down communication. She has expressed a desire for privacy, so factor that in when you’re choosing a time to have a discussion.
Spend some time thinking about what you do enjoy about the sex the two of you have. Consider how you can show her appreciation for those moments, and, moving forward, in those moments. Refer back to your understanding of her comfort level around these conversations. Communicate your appreciation to your wife. See how that goes. Ask her whether she’s feeling fulfilled herself. And listen to what she says. Be prepared to hear that she does give in sometimes when she doesn’t want to, and apologize for that. Be prepared to hear that she has desires she’s been afraid to express to you and to listen to those desires. Go slow and remember to breathe.
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Dear How to Do It,
I am a straight man in my 30s with a horrible problem with sexual confidence. Basically, I find it impossible to believe that any woman could be attracted to me. This destroys my ability to approach women, which leads in turn to me being mostly alone. I do have some weight issues, which doesn’t help, but I am in no way morbidly obese. And I’ve met/seen enough couples where this clearly isn’t an issue for either party to know that this is not a deal-breaker by any means.
The bizarre thing, however, is that I know for a fact that I am attractive to women. I’m no Casanova, but I’ve had quite a few lengthy relationships sporadically over the years, usually initiated by her rather than me. And several times, I’ve discovered years after the fact that certain women I knew either had a crush on me or were outright in love with me, although I was completely oblivious to this fact at the time.
Even though I know all this objectively, however, it has absolutely no effect whatsoever on my emotional outlook or confidence. I still feel that I repulse and repel all women and there is absolutely no point in trying to even initiate a conversation and face the inevitable devastating rejection. I often try to “explain” to myself why this isn’t the case, given the empirical evidence, but it seems to have no effect. This has become a serious problem in my life. I am, for the moment, at a loss as to a solution.
—Frustrated With Myself
Dear Frustrated With Myself,
I don’t have a solution for what you’re experiencing. I’ve experienced emotional pain from being rejected. That pain hurt. I reacted by shutting down, pulling away, and refusing to hear the reasons I was being rejected. I turned down the opportunity to see the damage I was causing and pushed people away who were trying to connect with me.
I can tell you that the solutions that look easy have never given me real relief—only a temporary respite. Covering up pain doesn’t work, whether that’s with distraction, searching for excuses, or seeking outside validation. I know that every time I’ve reached for a quick fix, I have created more problems for myself. And every step I’ve taken toward improving myself has been uncomfortable. Wishing you strength, and the will to stick with whatever you choose as your next step.
Dear How to Do It,
The last two women I dated happened to be completely hairless down there. And honestly, I really liked it. The fact is I find performing oral sex much more pleasurable when there isn’t any hair, and therefore I am happy to do it without hesitation, so win-win. However, I just started seeing someone new, and she has hair on her genitalia. I would like to ask her to have it removed (shave, laser, whatever method she prefers) but I don’t know how to ask without risking offending her, hurting her feelings, embarrassing her, or just really pissing her off. How do you ask a woman to go hairless for you without blowing the whole thing?
—I’m a Giver
Dear Giver,
This is an impossible question—there is no way to guarantee that you won’t upset someone by asking them to change the way they groom their bodies. I’m assuming that your goal is to keep her pubic hair out of your mouth. If there’s another reason you’re writing in for advice, my response might not be useful. First, think about what you can change on your end. Using your fingers to gently spread her labia apart is one option for keeping the hair out of your mouth. Dental dams and latex panties do produce a different sensation for both giver and receiver, and she might already know she enjoys that sensation or be open to trying it.
Once you’ve got an idea of what you’re open to, do gently broach the subject. I assume you’re enjoying spending time together. Lead with that. If you’ve already given the woman you’re dating oral sex, and you’ve both enjoyed it, tell her that you want to eat her out more often but you prefer less hair in your mouth. If either of my suggestions above is something you’re willing to try, tell her that you’ve got a couple of ideas that range from using barriers, through an occasional shave—or trim—to asking her to completely change her grooming habits. Ask her whether anything in that range sounds appealing.
Do know that completely hairless labia can be uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. There’s the chafing, yes, and sometimes more. Shaving can lead to razor burn, and waxing can mean dealing with ingrown hairs. Both of these issues have a risk of infection. I had an ingrown hair that required an incision once, which then involved a healing process. And laser removal can be incredibly painful both during the treatments and as the stubs of hair grow out, on top of being expensive and fairly permanent.
Sort this out now, before the relationship develops further.
—Stoya
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