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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am from Australia and just moved to a deeply religious southern city in the U.S. There is a bit of a cultural difference in how overtly religious people are and my kids who are 10 and 14 are trying to navigate life in a new country. So I let the 10-year-old join a local religious youth group figuring he would be surrounded by basically wholesome types and able to make friends.
But in between the bowling trips he is becoming indoctrinated into some pretty extreme ideas. There were tears the other day about the fact that his beloved atheist grandpa died and went to hell. When I asked the local pastor I was astonished to learn that this is what they taught. This church also appears to be a little racist in that they have no Black kids attending at all even though his school is pretty diverse and the church is a big part of the local community. I am loosely Catholic but very much of the idea that faith or lack thereof is a private conviction and that churches are social institutions. His dad thinks we should let him stay in this group as many of his school friends belong but I think it’s doing more harm than good. Help!
—Godless in Georgia
Dear Godless in Georgia,
I was raised evangelical Christian in the Bible belt, and without knowing the details of the church your child is attending, I can confirm that many religious groups in the South are teaching some pretty extreme ideas. Since you’re from Australia, you probably didn’t know what you were getting into. But you should do some more research now to see if this church’s teachings align with your values. Some Christian churches have an anti-abortion agenda, teach that homosexuality and being transgender are evil, and have outdated ideas about sex and women’s roles in society. The fact that your child is coming home upset by what he’s being taught is a red flag to me—the traumatic aftermath caused by some of these communities can be long-lasting.
That said, faith itself can be a beautiful thing. I think it’s great to make kids aware of the different systems of belief in the world and let them draw their own conclusions. This could be a good opportunity to explore other world religions with your son, particularly ones like Buddhism that teach a gentler, kinder version of what happens when we die than the “burning in hell” model. Let him know that he’s free to believe whatever he would like, and if that means he wants to continue attending this youth group, let him. But also remind him he’s free to change his mind. Continue to have these tough conversations by sharing your own religious beliefs and why you value kindness and tolerance toward others. Chances are your son will come around to your way of thinking eventually if you keep the doors of nonjudgmental communication open.
—Emily
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