How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
This might be the dumbest question you have ever received. I’m a middle-aged heterosexual man, and I have never knowingly had anal sex. However, I think it might be possible that I have … unknowingly had anal sex.
Many years ago, when I was in my twenties, I had a sexual relationship that was kind of “vanilla”: always PIV and usually missionary, although I sometimes asked her to be on top. I wasn’t dissatisfied with the “vanilla-ness.” One time only, she wanted to do it “doggy-style.” I had no objection. When I came, my ejaculation was so intense that I actually wept. I’d never come that intensely before nor have I done so since. (I haven’t done “doggy-style” since then either, with anybody.)
I’ve often wondered why that experience was so intense. The only possible reason I can think of is that maybe I was penetrating her anally. I’ve heard that many men crave anal sex, but I don’t know why. Is it “better” than vaginal sex? Two other factors that might be relevant: (1) I had exercised before the sex and felt really good about my body. (2) We were in a darkened room with the door partly open with light coming in from the hallway, so there was a nice shadow on the wall next to us, and it was kind of like having sex while watching a porno movie. I’d appreciate any insight.
— Wondering
Dear Wondering,
I don’t know if this is the dumbest question we’ve ever received, but I will say that if you can’t tell me whether your dick was in a butt, how could I possibly tell you that? I’ve never even met your dick!
Since one generally knows when one accidentally slides past a sphincter (usually because the owner of said sphincter says something like, “Ouch!”), I think the intensity of your experience probably wasn’t surprise anal and may owe to you achieving a better fit from behind. It happens that some positions are more stimulating than others, and this can range, depending on the specific shapes of penises/vaginas and how they fit. Your self-image and the environment likely added to the effect, or perhaps was entirely responsible for it—as they say when referring to psychedelic usage, set and setting are key in facilitating good trips. Since sex is often its own narcotic, it follows that these factors are often important in that realm as well.
You should try to replicate the experiment. Get a good post-workout pump, cast a nice shadow, and do doggy. See how that moves you.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a heterosexual man and I’ve been married to a woman for 30 years. We have a good marriage but a slowing sex life. I’ve always been curious about homosexual sex and recently found that I prefer to watch homosexual porn rather than straight porn. What is odd to me is that I don’t find the men sexually attractive. I do find some aspects of men attractive such as being muscular, and the sex parts are attractive to me. The men just aren’t as good looking or beautiful as some woman are to me. I’m confused on what, if anything, to do about this.
— Confused
Dear Confused,
With respect, saying that you don’t find men attractive but for their muscles and the mechanics of guy-on-guy sex is like saying you’re not really into cats but for their whiskers and general air of disdain. That’s a lot of what makes a cat; muscles and hard dicks is a lot of what goes into the erotic idea of “dudes,” at least in terms of conventional conception. I’m not pointing this out to imply that you’re gay and that you must register with the drag queen wearing the powdered wig at the big rainbow desk in City Hall, I’m just saying that, contrary to your protests, it sounds like you have some degree of attraction toward men, or at least the idea of them. Maybe not as much as women, but attraction nonetheless. You don’t have to qualify that. Guys are hot, and they’re really good at getting each other off. If you need to identify as anything as a result of discovering this, perhaps it can be as simple as someone with an open-mind and a good eye.
Sometimes gay porn is perceived as more “real” than straight porn, given the latter’s tendency to fetishistically degrade its women participants and the general power dynamic inherent in any industry/society dominated by men. It is perhaps easier to invest in the idea that everyone’s having a good time when you watch men have sex together. Furthermore, in a Daily Beast piece from 2010 on lesbians who watch gay-male porn, sex educator Tristan Taormino explained, “With gay porn, for a second, we can go there and not think about politics and sexism … there’s something about removing women from the equation that’s freeing …You don’t have to want to have sex with a man to be attracted to masculinity in a specifically sexual context.” So maybe there is something in there that applies to you, as well?
In terms of next steps, just see where this takes you. A viewing experience may be all you need from men who have sex with men. Maybe the more you watch, the more your mind will open, the more interested you will be in dabbling. Before doing said dabbling, the ethical move would be to discuss with your wife so as not to proceed without her knowledge/blessing. Doesn’t seem like you’re even close to being there yet, but something to keep in mind for the future.
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Dear How to Do It,
My girlfriend of a couple years or so has an unfortunate tendency to get into a sexy state while in the presence (or earshot) of my daughter. The first time it happened, I attributed it to alcohol and possibly some awkwardness in terms of how my daughter felt about being around my friend. The second time neither played a role. We were sitting in the living room and my girlfriend starts some light petting under my shirt. I can tell my daughter is aware and uncomfortable and I shift to edge my girlfriend out, but she goes back again. I have a terrible feeling about this—as a result of my apprehension, I am having a hard time deciding what to do (aside from not having my daughter in the same room). I noted that after my daughter left she clearly was not as hot to trot as I had assumed, and in fact expressed some pent-up anger on another topic. Clearly something is getting worked out in a dysfunctional and possibly dangerous way.
— Extremely Worried
Dear Worried,
Yeah, huge red flag. It’s time to state as directly as possible that you think this behavior is inappropriate and you don’t want to experience it again. Your desire to protect your daughter should be centered in this conversation. If you’re feeling charitable, ask your girlfriend what’s up with that—you’ve noticed this twice now, so it may well be on its way to becoming a pattern. Nip it in the bud before that. Tell her that as someone who cares about you, it’s required that she respect your daughter, which means at minimum, not making her uncomfortable. If any of this seems confusing to her, or is met with resistance, rethink the relationship.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’ve been in a perfect long-distance relationship for about six months—until last Saturday. I went out to a party with some of my friends. My ex, who I’m still friends with, was there and we ended up jokingly dancing with each other—that is, until we ended up almost kissing. The only reason we didn’t is because one of our friends walked up and started talking to us. I instantly texted the guy I’m seeing, fessing up to exactly what I’d done and apologizing for it. He’s been cheated on in prior relationships, and I feel so guilty that I almost cheated on him.
He isn’t mad about it and his initial reaction was one of being perfectly okay and fine. Now he’s suggested that we “just not talk about whatever that was anymore.” He, and all of my friends, have said many times that I’m not a cheater and that I didn’t cheat on him at all. He’s literally said “So again, you still only slow danced with him. And you had enough restraint to not kiss him. What’s the issue here?” The issue here is that I feel like I did cheat on him, and I’m so angry at myself for it.
I am racked with guilt every time I see his photo on my home screen or see a text from him (and that’s slowing down; he texted only four times yesterday). I know I hurt him even though he says he’s fine, and I can’t stand the feelings of guilt, remorse, and regret that I’m engulfed in right now. Is there any way I can come back from this?
— Almost Cheater
Dear Almost Cheater,
To betray someone is to behave selfishly, but so can be apologizing for said betrayal—that is, if you make such a big deal about it that the conversation ends up focused on you. It seems like everyone in the know believes that you are blowing this incident, in which you didn’t even get as far as kissing someone, out of proportion, and in doing so you’re making it all about you. I don’t get the sense that you’re doing this intentionally—you seem genuinely wracked by guilt and anxiety—but I can see how it would be too much for someone else to deal with, especially someone who you’re dating long-distance and that you rarely get to see. I know that you feel bad, but no amount of talking about this thing that didn’t even happen is going to alter your near-cheating experience, so you’re better off dealing with your guilt on your own and not burdening anyone else with it. That’s off-putting.
Is there a chance that this guy you’re seeing is less monogamous than you are? Have you even had the exclusive conversation at all? Some couples haven’t by the six-month point. I ask because I wonder if there’s a chance that your confession changed the color of your arrangement to him. If he’s been causally hooking up with other people, he may see things differently after hearing how badly you feel about almost making out with someone.
In general, I think you should feel less bad about your wandering eye/almost wandering tongue. Monogamy is overrated. I know a lot of people prize it and attempt to organize their relationships around it, but as someone who’s had all kinds of things belonging to people who aren’t my boyfriend in my mouth and other parts, I can tell you that tasting other people is fun and even better when you don’t carry shame around with it. Your body tacitly acknowledges this, even if your mind was quick to snap you back to the status quo. Go easy on yourself—by doing so, you’ll go easy on the people around you, and they will be thankful for it.
— Rich
More Advice From Slate
I’m marrying a wonderful man. We’re super excited and love each other, and everything is so happy and great. But we don’t really have sex very often, I’m not sure if I should be worried or not … or if I care. I have a fairly moderate sex drive, I think. I basically masturbate every day, and we have sex about once a month or less. I’m not really bothered by this, but it feels like I should be? We would rather watch a show or play a board game or make food.
