Dear Prudence is online weekly to chat live with readers on Mondays at noon ET. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat.
Q. Dreadful Daughter-in-Law: My husband and I had our first child in March of 2022 and my mother-in-law came to stay with us for two weeks almost immediately after we came home from the hospital (literally arrived two days after we got home). We really didn’t want her to come that soon but almost felt obligated to. Well, long story short the visit was awful.
She completely and utterly overstepped boundaries both physically and emotionally (cleaning my whole kitchen, “helping” me attach a Haakaa to my bare breast without being asked for help, telling me stories about how she could fit into her old clothes right after birth, etc.). Meanwhile, we were utterly sleep deprived, doing our best to bond with our son and adapt to our new lives, and completely emotionally stretched. The straw that broke the camel’s back was this, one evening during the visit my MIL went with my husband to the pharmacy to pick up some things and while they were in the car, she told him that I was an awful housekeeper and she couldn’t believe I was cooking in such a disgusting kitchen.
In her defense, our kitchen was pretty dirty. We live in a rental home and I was seven months pregnant when we moved in. I didn’t get any less pregnant until right when she came. So using things like powerful degreasers and oven cleaners was not recommended. I did the best I could with dish soap and scouring pads. My husband took my side and told his mother that he wouldn’t tolerate her disrespecting me while she was a guest in our home. And told her she didn’t have to fly home. But if that’s how she was going to act she could stay in a hotel. The whole ordeal was a nightmare and has caused a LOT of tension between the three of us since.
We are going to be visiting that side of the family in a few months and saying I’m nervous would be an understatement. She’s never apologized for the way she behaved. And actually seems completely oblivious to the fact her behavior was unacceptable. So I haven’t really forgiven her. We’ve already decided not to stay with her when we’re visiting and she seems upset about that but hasn’t said much otherwise. But I’m worried this is going to become an ugly horror show once we’re actually there. So my question is twofold: First off, should I even bother bringing up my unresolved feelings and desire for an apology if the conversation doesn’t come up organically? Or leave a sleeping dog lie? And if it does come up, how honest should I be about my feelings? To be frank, she really really pissed me off and hurt my feelings at a time I was extremely emotionally vulnerable. I’m dreading this whole trip to be perfectly honest. And I’m upset that she’s sucked the joy out of going home and seeing a lot of our family. Not just her.
A: Write down what you will say if you do decide to say something. Just like you have here. Note everything she did that was inappropriate and hurtful, and how it affected you. And then just have it ready in your mind. I don’t see a reason to demand an apology (it wouldn’t be sincere if you did get it) but the MINUTE she asks you why you’re not staying with her or complains that you aren’t closer, you’ll have all your talking points well thought through and ready to go.
Q. Got to Give: My sister died two years ago leaving behind her daughters, “Alice” and “Emily.” Alice is 15. Emily is 12. Both girls had a very hard time adjusting to living with my wife and me. Even with therapy, both girls have had problems with school. It doesn’t help that Alice has fallen in with a rougher crowd and Emily imitates her.
Alice has started stealing money and cigarettes from my mother-in-law. When my wife found Alice smoking, she told Alice she was grounded. Alice blew smoke in my wife’s face and told her she doesn’t have to listen to a “bitch” like her. Alice then shoulder-checked my wife and went inside her room.
My wife is currently five months pregnant. It has been high stress since she lost the last two. My wife tells me that she can’t handle Alice and Emily and a baby. Something has to give- she is considering moving in with her mother. I feel like my life is falling apart. I promised my sister I would watch after her girls, but we can’t keep this up. The girls do not get along with their father and stepmother (the woman is barely 25). My parents live in a retirement village and my other sisters travel constantly for work. Neither is what I would describe as maternal. I don’t want to separate the girls but Emily is much easier to deal with when Alice isn’t around. I don’t know what to do now. I love my nieces but my own wife and child have to come first. I could use some advice, please.
A: This is incredibly hard for everyone involved and there’s no real bad guy here (not even Alice—a 15-year-old who acts out after losing her mother isn’t to blame).
The part of your letter that concerns me is the line “My own wife and child,” which is meant to contrast the relationship you have with your wife and unborn baby to the one you have with your nieces. When you agreed to take the girls in, you didn’t become a landlord—you became a parent. They are your “own” now. They’re not just “living with” you and you’re not just “watching after” them. They’re members of your family. And they deserve parents who see them that way. If you can’t get there, or if your wife truly feels physically unsafe, Alice and Emily should live with their dad. But if they stay, whatever the solution here is going to start with them feeling a sense of love and security and not having the sense that they’re burdens to you. Do you think you can provide them with that?
Q. Can’t We All Just Not Get Along?: I live in a shared house with my partner and a few other people. We’re all working together on a (non-work) project. We had a lot of arguments at the start, and a few people left. After a lot of changes, the project is now in a better place, and arguments are rare. Mary and I often had disagreements during that first phase. After a few heated moments, I’ve come to accept we’re just too different and changed my attitude. I am civil, but I don’t engage in discussions with her. She travels a lot for work, so it’s mostly not a problem. However, lately, she confronted me saying that my ignoring her is damaging her mental health. She agrees I’m not freezing her out or pretending she’s not there. But she knows I usually have a lot of opinions, so the fact I am not sharing them is a clear indication that I don’t like her. She’s not wrong! What should I say? I don’t want to be friends, I just want to co-exist peacefully with minimal contact. Is that cruel? I asked what she wanted me to do differently and all she said was for me to think about it. Help!
A: Put it back on her: “It’s bad for my mental health when we argue and it’s bad for your mental health when we talk less because I’m avoiding arguments—so I’m afraid we’re at an impasse. My best idea is to coexist peacefully with minimal contact but if you would like to propose something else that works for both of us, I’m happy to consider it.”
Q. Seven Year Itch: I’ve been married for seven years now. As is with most marriages, I realize I am slowly getting annoyed with my husband. The behaviors or lack thereof are now points of contention, our communication is pretty much non-existent—we talk 80 percent about our kid and the remaining 20 percent about household stuff. I don’t feel any rush toward him and to make things worse, I’ve been sick pretty much the whole of last year with some recurring infections. Nothing life-changing but still has caused enough damage to both our mental health and my physical health that it is a slow road to recovery.
He is a good guy but with flaws just like everyone else but he has been consistently getting on my nerves. It’s the day-to-day transactions that are hard for me. We both still wind up doing a lot for each other, like staying up all night to check on each other when we are sick/down, cooking meals for each other, taking our kid out if the other one wants some alone time, running to the store to buy comfort foods if one of us wants it, etc. But him leaving the dishwasher unloaded or throwing his clothes everywhere but the laundry hamper for the millionth time is grating me. With all the sickness, I have still managed to run an efficient household along with working full-time. I still do the majority of the cleaning at home so overlooking these things are irritating me. I guess my question is: How do I get out of this funk? Where I can feel like I love my husband, where I feel excited about being in the same room as him, and generally just positive about our relationship? Both of us are regular therapy goers but for different reasons—not relationship related, however, I feel I’ve come to the stage where I must insist on couples therapy. The only thing is he believes we don’t need couples therapy at this point. He says everything will be fine once I am fully and completely recovered and I won’t feel so much disgust or irritation over day-to-day things.
A: “We’re fine, you’ll get over it” is not a great response to a spouse who’s told you they’re struggling in the relationship. You need to make it clear to your husband that you are not just feeling irritated, you are feeling unhappy with your marriage as a result of being irritated. And you want to go to counseling before your relationship gets worse. To change your mood in the meantime, it might be helpful to focus on the gratitude you have for him for what (I assume) he’s done to support you through your illness—and even express this to him. But your appreciation isn’t going to be enough to hold this relationship together—now or when you get better—if he’s not taking it seriously.
Q. Between a Rock and a Hard Place: My best friend (my former college roommate) and I have been friends, confidantes, and sounding boards for over 25 years. As fate would have it, I have recently become seriously involved (think eventual marriage) with her brother, and now I feel awkward about our usual girl talk. Were I dating some Random Joe from Tinder, I wouldn’t hesitate to dissect the normal ups and downs of my life and relationship: “Joe’s car got stolen!” “Joe got in a huge fight with his boss and almost got fired,” “I don’t know how to bring up his erectile dysfunction.” But now she’s no longer a neutral third party and I’m perpetually in danger of accidentally spilling the beans on something Joe might not have wanted his family to know about. Saying “but don’t tell your family” or “don’t tell Joe I told you” would put her in an uncomfortable position. I owe my loyalty to Joe, of course, but I’m also feeling a gaping loss in my emotional support system. Can you think of any way that I can not compromise Joe’s right to privacy while still keeping my oldest, dearest, and best confidante?
A: This is easy! You can simply ask Joe to let you know if there are any categories of subjects (like his ups and downs at work) that he would like you to keep private. And also have him tell you if there are individual situations (like if his car gets stolen) that he doesn’t want his sister to know about, for whatever reason. I think you can use your common sense around stuff like erectile dysfunction. (In case your common sense isn’t working: Do not share this with his sister!) I really do trust that you’ll still have a lot to talk with her about—your feelings for him, the things you do together, not to mention, many non-Joe topics!—even if a few details are off limits.
Re: Q. Got to Give: At 15 and 12, Alice and Emily are old enough to have a role in determining their custody plans and to be a part of a conversation about where their physical, emotional, and mental health needs are being meet. It sounds like they—and all the adults who might play a role in their upbringing—could benefit from a family counselor, one who might help people like uncle and dad (and maybe grandparents and aunts) determine the best and healthiest custody arrangement here. It could be uncle and aunt are excellent school-week parents but Alice and Emily would be healthier and happier spending weekends at dad’s. A third party could help make sense of all of this in a way that puts their needs and well-being first.
A: This is a great idea. Individual counseling for everyone, too, if possible!
Jenée Desmond-Harris: That’s all for today. Thanks as always for reading!
More Advice From Slate
Last year, I met a very interesting man at an association convention. After the day’s business, we spent several hours talking in the bar and exchanged contact info. He is married (I am divorced), so I ruled him out as a love interest from the start. He travels frequently on business with one or two visits to my city each month. Whenever he was in town, we went out for dinner and sometimes the theater or a ball game. We grew to be very good friends. One of his trips coincided with my daughter’s wedding, so I invited him to the wedding and to stay at my house (I had other out-of-town guests also). He met my family and friends and got along with everyone.
