Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
Me and my two siblings were never close—no issues really, just totally different people. Recently, I won a bit of money in the lottery, not a huge amount, but it was nice. As an attempt to build a closer connection to my brothers, I gave them some of the money. My young brother and his wife, and my older brother and his wife and two boys. I gave them both the same amount. However, with my older brother, I gave my nephews some money that I hope they use for education. Still, the money I gave my older brother plus his kids is equal to the money I gave my younger brother who has no children. My older brother’s wife was appalled and angry that I “gave” my younger brother more. She then went on to call me greedy and selfish. She has gone to great lengths to bring this up to my parents and never failed to mention it over the holidays.
Now my mom called me, and asked me to give them a little extra to create family peace.
The thing is, I didn’t win a huge amount, it’s not like I’m rich, and the money I kept I poured into my debts. Talking to my older brother has led to nothing but a cold shoulder with the statement that his wife has a point. I feel my attempt at being generous now has everyone pointing daggers at me. I would appreciate thoughts, because I’m at a loss.
— The Curse of Generosity
Dear Curse of Generosity,
What you did was really, really generous, and I’m so sorry it backfired. The line to say to your older brother, his wife and your mom is: “There is not any more money available. I hope my gift to you doesn’t continue to damage our relationship. I’d prefer not to discuss it anymore unless perhaps you want to express gratitude.” And then don’t give them any more energy.
Meanwhile, while I wouldn’t have recommended an exchange of money as a way to start things off, I hope you can begin to nurture your relationship with your younger brother and find the connection you’ve been missing.
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Dear Prudence,
About three months ago, I made a move on a guy friend (let’s call him “Seth”), and he turned me down. He did so kindly, and he asked me if I’d be okay being friends, to which I said yes.
But the thing is, I’ve gone from seeing him often (in the context of the shared social activity where we met) to not at all, and this level of separation has been very hard for me. Conversation by text is not the same, what little of it there is (he never was very good at it even when we saw each other regularly). He also lives far enough away (about an hour’s drive) that unexpected encounters are unlikely.
I thought I was moving past my feelings for a little while, but it turns out the old adage is true about absence making the heart grow fonder. What makes matters worse is that the reason he gave for turning me down was not about me personally, but rather about not being in the right space for a relationship. Logically, I know I shouldn’t hold my breath, but I can’t help but hold out some hope that things might work out between us.
So my question is ultimately this. Would it be worthwhile to ask Seth if there could be an “us” someday? I don’t think he would react badly to directness, but truthfully I’m just scared, as it took a lot for me to come clean the first time.
— Separation Sadness
Dear Separation Sadness,
No, it wouldn’t be worthwhile. I’m sorry. If Seth returned your feelings even a little, he would have magically gotten himself into a good place to have a relationship. That’s what people do when they really like someone. And he didn’t.
It’s okay to hold out a little hope. Seth knows you like him, and if he ever starts to think he might want to date you, he knows how to reach you to let you know. But don’t hold out that hope instead of dating other people. Do it to distract yourself from Seth while putting in the work to hopefully to meet someone who’s a better fit. When you find the person who likes you the way you like him, a long-distance, unenthusiastic friend is not even going to seem like a tempting love interest anymore.
Dear Prudence,
I am just a bucket of love and admiration for almost everyone I meet. It doesn’t matter what age/sex/gender of the person. If they are even remotely kind, cool and can carry a conversation, I tend to develop a small crush on them. It seems that I don’t have a “type.” Some crushes come and go, but others linger for a while. Since I’ve met my wonderful partner, it has cooled down a bit, and she knows about my hyper-amorous tendencies. I maintain good, healthy boundaries with the people I fall for and try to never be creepy (I would DIE if anyone called me creepy). I’m writing to you because I’m in my mid 30s and this is all rather emotionally exhausting. I was wondering what advice you would give to this old lover-boy.
— Lover Boy
Dear Lover Boy,
This is sweet! It’s amazing to be a person who sees the good in others, and I bet it brings a lot of joy to your life. You know the old advice (which I think is legit?) about how if you’re nervous before a speech, you should say to yourself “I’m really excited” instead, to sort of change the nature of what you’re experiencing and turn it into something that feels better? I wonder if you can do something similar here by a different label to these feelings—something that makes them seem more appropriate and less exhausting to you. Instead of “I have a crush” maybe it’s “I have so much admiration for this friend I just met, and I’m so happy to be surrounded by great people who inspire me.”
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
More Advice From Slate
A few days ago a friend sent me the link to a porn video that stars the (recently) ex-girlfriend of a mutual good friend. The video is clearly shot in private, and although it shows her face it doesn’t have her name on it. This girl behaved really badly and completely shattered my friend’s heart, and while I don’t want to believe he would put something like this online, he is so hurt that it’s not outside the realm of possibility. She would lose her job and her career if this video was found, and she comes from a very conservative family. My questions: What are my obligations here? Do I ask my friend about it? Contact the ex?
