Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years. Each Sunday, we dive into the Dear Prudie archives and share a selection of classic letters with our readers. Join Slate Plus for even more advice columns.
Dear Prudence,
About two years ago, my husband, who was not even 40, was diagnosed with cancer. It came as a total surprise during a doctor’s appointment, which led to an ER visit and imaging that showed two masses on some internal organs. We have three children. Our youngest was 18 months at the time. The good news is that the cancer was treatable by surgery. He never had any symptoms. There was no need for radiation or chemotherapy. There were two surgeries, each with about a three-week recovery time. He has been closely monitored every six months, and there have been no recurrences. The bad news is that he has always struggled with depression and anxiety, as well as alcohol dependency. These things have been significantly amplified since the initial diagnosis. He has not been a reliable partner or father because of the drastic changes in his personality and his health issues. He talks about death and cancer constantly, he is not motivated to go to work, and when he is physically with the family, he is still hard to talk to and distant.
We recently began couples therapy, but my husband is combative with the therapist and refused to go to our last appointment. He just started seeing a therapist on his own, but he tells me he isn’t sure if he will continue. I work part time, and we live in a very expensive part of the country. My husband is highly successful in a specialized job and does well. My support group is limited, and my family lives across the country from us. My questions for you are: How do I decide if I need to leave this marriage? We have been together for 12 years. I cannot afford to keep living in this part of the country and raise the kids. Should I mentally set a timetable for him to continue working on himself? How can I leave my sick husband?
It’s important that you know you have options right now, and one of those options is absolutely leaving your husband. You are still very much in the middle of an unbelievably challenging time. Having three young kids is already incredibly stressful, and adding a cancer diagnosis, a partner’s personality change, alcoholism, and severe depression to that is nearly inconceivable. You’ve only just started therapy and don’t yet have much in the way of a nearby, in-person support system. That strikes me as the most urgent problem to address. Can you ask any of your relatives to come out for a visit, to help with child care and basic household tasks? If not, are there any friends nearby you could ask to step up, even if you haven’t been tremendously close in the past? That’s going to be crucial, whether you decide to leave tomorrow or six weeks or six months from now. You also say that you work part time, live somewhere expensive, and rely primarily on your husband’s income. Set up an appointment with a divorce lawyer and a financial adviser just to get a sense of what you’re going to need and what income you can rely on in the event of a divorce. I don’t know that setting a mental timetable is the right answer; a timetable isn’t really going to address the issues you’re facing. The more useful work, I think, will be making it clear that continued therapy and change in behavior are necessary for your marriage to have a future, and making sure that in the meantime you have other forms of support, even if they only take place during long-distance phone calls. —Danny M. Lavery
From: “Help! My Husband Survived Cancer. Now Can I Leave Him?” (Dec. 24, 2019)
Dear Prudence,
My mother-in-law called my husband this evening and told us that his stepsister-in-law was going into premature induced labor at 34 weeks because something is wrong with the baby’s heart. We aren’t super close to the couple, but we were nonetheless scared and devastated for them and their other young child. Well, we received another text that simply said the baby was here and they didn’t know anything more than her name. For the purposes of this query let’s call her “Alexandra.” Well, exactly eight months ago I had a baby that we named “Alex.” My husband and I are hurt and offended. Even if they call her Alexandra, other people, friends, family, will call her Alex. They essentially gave their child the same name as ours and we cannot say anything because the baby is sick. It’s so hurtful, and it’s a hurt we cannot even express. If the baby pulls through, and I certainly hope she does, I never want to see them again. What do we do?
Here is a basic fact: You don’t own the rights to “Alex” or “Alexandra” or any other name. If you wanted your child to have a name that’s almost unheard of, you could have gotten a copy of the Book of Wacky Celebrity Kid Names and chosen from that. Try to think about what’s actually going on here. A baby has arrived who’s the child of people you love. This baby is in medical distress. And you are planning to throw a permanent hissy fit because their child has a name similar to your child’s. Please tell me you are suffering from some kind of temporary derangement, and you are now coming to your senses. Because what you do now is to never, ever repeat the sentiments you put in this letter. Even if you have to put on an act—for the rest of your lives!—you pretend to be decent people. You welcome little Alexandra with joy, and you offer your help to her suffering parents (by bringing meals, looking after the toddler, etc.) however you can. —Emily Yoffe
From: “Help! Another Couple Gave Their Baby a Name Close to Ours. I Never Want to See Them Again.” (Oct. 5, 2015)
Dear Prudence,
My wife and I have failed to conceive for years. After the emotional roller coaster we’ve been through, we finally settled on having my (gay) brother be a sperm donor. This is something both of our families support and we are very excited about going through with. However, as the appointment for fertilization nears, my wife and brother have gone from close to almost inseparable, talking about “their” future child. I feel shut out of my own marriage. This baby is all we’ve ever wanted, and now I want to tell her that we shouldn’t. I’m jealous and anxious and I don’t know what to do.
Oh my God, pull up. Before you even consider using a known sperm donor—especially a family member—you need to consult with a family law attorney. This is a decision that could have long-lasting legal consequences for all of you, including any children that would be born from your brother’s donation. Many states have different laws about the establishment of paternity, and if you’re already feeling at odds with your brother and your wife, I’m deeply concerned for your future. What if you and your wife separate? Would your brother seek visitation? Would your wife ask him for child support? What if your brother sees himself as your child’s real father and insists on becoming a permanent third member of your marriage? It doesn’t sound as though the three of you have discussed any of these questions, and “hoping for the best” is a pretty risky way to embark upon artificial insemination, especially involving a sibling. Your concerns about the role you want a sperm donor to play in your family’s life are deeply important, and you absolutely should not proceed with any appointments until you know that you and your wife are on the same page. —D.L.
From: “Help! I Asked My Brother to Be Our Sperm Donor. I Think I’ve Made a Huge Mistake.” (July 21, 2016)
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I went into our marriage last year essentially on the same page about kids—he definitely wanted them (ideally three to four), and I was about 80 percent sure I did (ideally two of them). We’re in our early 30s. We did actively try for six months, but yesterday he told me he no longer wants to, only to “not-not try and see if it happens,” which for us, for a number of biological reasons, means we’d be very unlikely to ever have a kid. I’m surprised how much I’m grieving over this idea; I apparently shifted over to 100 percent sure at some point during the past year, and somehow this “we won’t say we’re definitely not doing this—we’ll just slowly let the clock run out on our chances” hurts even more than just a straight “No, we’ve decided we won’t have them.” Logically, I know kids are a thing where they should absolutely only happen when both parents want them, but I still can’t help feeling really betrayed. How do I work through this?
I think it’s a little soon to be thinking about grieving and working through this. After less than a year of marriage and a mere six months of trying to get pregnant, your husband went from “I definitely want three to four kids” to “Let’s roll the dice,” without a single intervening conversation—he just told you this yesterday. You’re missing a lot of information here, and you need to pursue multiple follow-up conversations where he can explain where he’s coming from, what changed his mind, what are his greatest concerns, what are his new priorities, etc. And you need to allow yourself to tell him that you’ve changed your mind too: that having kids has become really important to you, that the prospect of simply letting what happens happen feels devastating and you’re not sure you’re going to be able to do it. But don’t just let this change go by on the strength of a single conversation. And if ultimately you decide that having children is a greater priority for you than staying in this marriage, then your goal needs to be to figure out how you can make that happen—not just “working through” your sadness and getting over it. —D.L.
From: “Help! We Were Trying to Get Pregnant. Now My Husband Suddenly Wants to Stop.” (Aug. 13, 2019)
More Advice From Dear Prudence
I recently adopted a dog, and I’m experiencing extreme buyer’s (adopter’s?) remorse. He gives me a massive amount of anxiety. I spend all day worrying that he’s going to destroy my apartment.
