Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two daughters (Isla, 10 and Amelia, 14) and am a biology professor at our local university. My older daughter has a friend (Melissa) that spends a lot of time at our house. She is a lovely kid—bright, funny, polite, and super curious. She is always telling me about her latest science experiment and asks me about the research being done at the university. I recently reached out to Melissa’s mother to ask if she could come to work with me and my daughters on a school conference day. Along with some of the undergrads, my colleagues and I are setting up some kid-friendly science activities to do in the labs and we’re all bringing our kids that day. Melissa’s mom said she’d need to discuss it with her husband and get back to me.
The next day, Melissa’s father (I’ve never met him) called and asked to speak to Mr. MyLastName, which really threw me off, as my husband died five years ago. I asked who was calling, he identified himself as Melissa’s father, and I asked him if Melissa would be joining us. He said he’d prefer to discuss it with my husband since it would be him that she’d be with. I told him I didn’t have a husband, and that I would be taking the girls. There was a long pause, then he told me that Melissa would not be joining us as she wouldn’t be going to college or working outside the home. Since then, I’ve found out through other parents at school that Melissa’s family are members of an extremely conservative religious group that values women only as homemakers. What can I do here to support this young lady that has different aspirations, acknowledging that it would most likely be occurring against her parents’ wishes?
— Women Belong Wherever They Want to Be
Dear Women Belong,
Keep being an amazing role model. Answer her questions, share your life and career with her as you have been doing—inside the walls of your home and within the bounds of being Amelia’s mom. It may be tempting to go farther—to start intentionally cultivating a feminist or scientific ideology in Melissa—but I would resist, at least for now. Dad told you that Melissa couldn’t go to the university; he did not ban you from speaking to his daughter overall. So as long as your interactions with her do not cross the line of proselytizing against her faith or disparaging her parents’ wishes or choices, I think you’re on sound moral footing to conduct your private conversations however you deem appropriate. My concern is that if you start doing more—if you evolve from responding into meddling—Dad might react by isolating Melissa from you and your daughter. At that point, Amelia would lose a friend and Melissa would lose a mentor, neither of which would be positive.
It’s pretty clear that Melissa is, at minimum, entertaining some different ideas from her parents (or at least her dad) of what her life could be. It’s also clear that she is the one seeking out the attention from and relationship with you. She will show you what support she wants going forward. So long as you don’t deceive her parents, I think you’re free to respond as you wish.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
This is a low-stakes question, but it’s making our lives stressful. My 3-year-old’s daycare center has a rule that toys and books from home should not be brought in (for obvious reasons, they don’t want to manage other toys getting lost or broken), except for a special blanket and stuffy for naps. The exception to this is that once a week they have a show-and-tell day, where kids can bring in a toy based on the theme of the week (a color, a letter, or sometimes “animals” or “music”). On these days, we give our kid two or three options, and he gets to pick what he brings. This prevents meltdowns and gives him some autonomy without overwhelming him.
In the last few weeks, he’s suddenly wanting to bring a special toy every day. Before this, he had no problem leaving things behind unless it was show-and-tell day. Now, every morning is a meltdown because he can’t take a special stuffed animal, or a car, or his bucket of dinosaurs. I am tired of the tears every morning. We provide lots of empathy and comfort, but flailing at the front door is getting old. Any ideas for how to make this easier?
— You Can’t Take It With You
Dear YCTIWY,
Is the special toy day on a predictable schedule? If it is, I would hang a paper calendar somewhere where the meltdowns usually occur and have the toy day marked with a sticker or bright lettering. Get in the habit of every day crossing out the date so your child can see that a) it is objectively not toy day and b) you are getting closer and closer to toy day. Time is very abstract to kids, so this visual aid could help him see that there is a plan and structure to the week—and he’ll know he won’t have to wait “forever” for toy day to come.
Of course, this may not work, and you might have to grit your teeth and get through the meltdowns. Validate his feelings while still calmly rejecting the behavior (e.g. “You are really sad that you can’t bring Spiderman, and I understand, but we don’t scream about it.”). Hopefully he’ll see that screaming gets him nowhere and the behavior will eventually reduce. Hang in there and keep reminding yourself that this is only a phase.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
We are atheists with young children, living in the South. We are as confident in our beliefs as any priest, monk, imam, or rabbi. We don’t judge religious people—we just truly don’t believe those things. We do teach our kids about respecting all people, including other religions, and that it’s okay for people to have different beliefs.
Recently, my 5-year-old kindergartener has been coming home repeating what her friends say about God. I respond by asking her critical thinking questions that undermine those beliefs. I also recommend my daughter offer her classmates a simple “we don’t believe that” when these discussions come up. But it seems the rhetoric of her classmates is increasing in its volume and frequency.
What I really want is to step up my own rhetoric and be very clear in our belief there is no God. But I feel weird about it! I don’t want to get dragged into the office over this! If their kid can tell mine, “Jesus is our savior,” can’t my kid tell theirs, “God isn’t real”? It seems like it should be the same as a Jewish child responding, “no, he isn’t” or a Muslim child responding, “no it’s Allah.” She’s not witnessing for atheism, but she’s entitled to this defense, right?
— Hate to Break It, But There Is No…
Dear Hate to Break It,
You’re doing everything I would do in your situation—teaching your daughter not only what you believe, but why, and offering her ways to deflect the conversations at school. To answer you last question, yes you’re entitled to the same defense, but if you want to step up your rhetoric (as you put it) in the hopes that your daughter might get bolder in hers, do so with eyes wide open. Some folks respect atheism as a belief system, but others may see it as a rejection of their belief system. My concern is that once you switch from “we don’t believe that” to “no he isn’t,” you’ve made it less about the validity of your beliefs and more about the rejection of theirs. In effect, you’d be going on the offense, which, from your first paragraph, doesn’t sound like what you really want to do, deep down.
If the God talk continues, tell your daughter it’s OK to directly but kindly ask her friends to stop talking about it. And if it’s coming from a few specific kids, you could always reach out to the parents. This is a risk, of course, and it would probably go more smoothly if you already have even a casual relationship with them. But they may have no idea this is going on and be more than willing to talk to their kids about different beliefs. Worst case scenario: something blows up between the kids and the school gets involved. At least in that case you could demonstrate that you tried to handle the situation directly and respectfully. Hopefully, no one—not even a “church lady”—could fault you for that.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I have a son and a daughter, who are 11 and 9 years old respectively. Our kids are very close. They have always been slight Anglophiles, being fans of Doctor Who and having read Harry Potter and some other fantasy series, as well as watching Make Way for Noddy and Peppa Pig when the kids were very young. They even spent the past few months reading Sherlock Holmes, Poirot, and Ms. Marple.
Over winter break, we went on a vacation to England. Since returning, our kids have been acting like they are British. Both kids pronounce certain words with a faint English accent, using the British pronunciation of pasta, taco, and evolution. Both kids have started using British words, like learnt and anticlockwise, and British spellings like colour and diarrhoea, which my daughter’s teacher wrote home complaining about (I think the complaint was excessive, but I can understand why she’d be annoyed). The kids don’t wear glasses, they wear spectacles; they want crisps and not chips. It goes on.
My son loves learning about language in general, and even picks up on patterns in regional accents. My kids’ Anglophilia isn’t harming anyone but it is annoying, should we tell them to knock it off?
— We Went on a Vacation, Not a Holiday
Dear Vacation,
This is one of those situations where “know your audience” becomes a critical life lesson for kids. Things that are endlessly fascinating or fun to them can be downright grating to others (and, as your daughter’s teacher pointed out, potentially problematic when deployed in the wrong situations). It’s great that your kids have this niche interest, and that it’s something they can share between themselves. They just need to apply a few boundaries. Rule number one should probably no Anglophile-ization outside of home.
I’d encourage you and your wife to grin and bear it around the house as much as you can. Although it’s annoying to you, there’s nothing objectively wrong with saying “crisps,” and you don’t want to cut your kids down for things that don’t really matter (within limits, of course).
Like any phase or fascination, this behavior is bound to wear off eventually. My guess is that sooner or later, some friend will take a dig at them for using a “weird” word all the time, and that will be that. Hopefully, though, their interests in other cultures and languages will remain. The Atlas Crate from KiwiCo or a Snack Crate might also be ways to keep the cultural conversation going—in a more productive way. Meanwhile, enjoy planning your next international adventure!
—Allison
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When I was young I was married briefly. I did not want children, and thought I’d made that clear to my husband. I accidentally got pregnant, and he was thrilled. Against my better judgment I had the baby, with the understanding that he would take care of it. I did not like motherhood and when the girl was 2 years old, I divorced her father and moved out of state. I recently got a letter from her saying she would like to meet. When the young woman visits I intend to introduce her as a niece. What do you think?
