Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 17-year-old daughter, “Raina,” has always been our artsy kid. She likes to draw, paint, and write fiction. When she was younger, she liked to put on elaborate theater shows for us using her sister’s Barbies. On the other hand, she hates math and anything to do with what my mom, a doctor, calls “real work.” I know that math and science aren’t for everyone, but sometimes I wish that she would just try! When she was younger, she flat-out refused to do any homework after I wouldn’t help her anymore (for reasons such as: She refused to actually try to understand the material; I had other things going on; and/or she threw fits about not wanting to work). She has been checked for a number of issues, but nothing came up. She simply does not like anything that is not art-related or hard work.
My husband and I sat down with her to talk seriously about college. We are both very well-off, and can afford to send her to college. We are not trying to force her to go; she has often expressed the desire to attend university. But when I mention degree plans and careers, Raina will say that she doesn’t want to be a doctor (because medical school sounds hard), or anything like an engineer, accountant, or IT person (because she hates math). Those feelings are valid, so I tried to think of ways to help her turn her art skills into a feasible career. Raina says that she wants to be a fiction writer, but sadly, she’s not a good storyteller. This is inspired by her sister “Dinah,” who has already written three books on Wattpad that have received much praise. Dinah is an amazing storyteller, but I also dissuaded her from choosing a writing path, as it’s hard to make it as a creative writer. I talked to Raina about the implications of choosing to major in English without dissing her skills. Then she decided that she wants to be a graphic designer. Unfortunately, her art skills aren’t anything to bang a drum about, either! I firmly believe that if she majors in art or English, she will be searching for a job alongside far more talented peers and be overlooked.
I don’t want to be the mom with a kid loafing at home who doesn’t even want to attend school or get a job. How do I talk to Raina about college and encourage her to choose a major that will actually get her through life? I just don’t want her to invest time only to fail. I also think that she will spend one second doing work and hate it. Can you advise?
— Art Is Work, Too
Dear Art Is Work,
I … hardly know where to begin here. It’s pretty weird that you just refused to help Raina with her homework after a certain age, and your take on this is that she gave up. I’m not sure why you’d try to prepare her for the next phase of her education by sitting her down and telling her that she’s not good at various things, and therefore shouldn’t bother with them. There are many different paths you can take with a degree in the arts or humanities, and plenty of people major in English or art and manage to “get through life”—I don’t know if you really believe that “art is work,” let alone worth studying, but it is. The biggest issue by far is that you seem to have decided your child is lacking in both talent and motivation (because, as far as I can gather, she found math hard and got frustrated with it, which happens to a lot of people). You’re already picturing a future in which she fails miserably and refuses to go to school or get a job, even though she has told you multiple times that she wants to go to college and find a job that interests her. You’ve convinced yourself—perhaps with your mother’s help—that your daughter is a certain kind of person, one who doesn’t want to put in any effort and is destined for eventual collapse. And you say that you’re not having much success reaching her, or talking with her about her future?
I can’t tell you what Raina should major in or what she will do with her life, but guess what: You can’t (or at least shouldn’t) make those decisions for her, either. Your daughter is her own person, and her future potential is not yours to define, nor is her career yours to dictate. In an ideal scenario, you’d play an active and supportive role in discussing the future with her—you’d earnestly care about her interests, see her strengths, and be able to talk with her respectfully and encouragingly about her hopes and goals. Given your history, and the fact that you seem more concerned with what you believe Raina can’t do than what she can, it’s possible that the best you can do right now is to back off, actively listen to her more than you talk, and let her make up her own mind about her studies. Instead of imagining her failure, I encourage you to try to imagine a future in which your child actually succeeds in finding a life she wants. Keep in mind that she can change her major down the line if she wants to, and as she gets older, she will learn more about the different career paths taken by those in her field(s) of study. Even if it doesn’t directly feed into a particular professional role in the way some degrees might, that doesn’t mean she can’t or won’t find a career she likes, or that her time in college won’t help prepare her for that.
If you can’t understand Raina and won’t fully support her interests, try for the bare minimum: respecting her. You don’t want yours to be the voice in her head for the rest of her life whispering that she’s bound to fail, or isn’t good enough. When you talk with her about college and what comes after, try to speak and act as though you have some faith in her, rather than the opposite; trust that, like most other kids her age, she is still learning and growing and figuring out what she wants to do, and that she has time—and a right—to do these things. You can be a help to her, or a hindrance; it’s your choice. I think it’s hard enough to grow up and go out into the world and make weighty decisions without the burden of knowing that your parent doesn’t believe in you.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
How do other parents handle doing stuff (with kids) during nap time? I have a 19-month-old and a 3-month-old. The 3-month-old will nap in a carrier on my chest no matter what’s going on. After a lengthy learning curve with lots of night wake-ups through the age of 16-months, my 19-month-old has become a great sleeper (12 straight hours at night after putting herself down, 2-hour nap in the afternoon), but really wants her sleep at her set times, and mostly just in her crib. So at 12 p.m., we either need to be home or in the car, since she’ll also sleep in her car seat and transfer to crib.
I don’t really have a problem with this—the way we got her to sleeping well (besides some sheer luck, I know) was doing what she needed when she needed it. Having a certain time that we’re at our home base and having some quiet time is especially nice for me to catch some rest with the baby, too. However, so many other people think naptime should be flexible, many of them parents: My family is always surprised when I organize our attendance at events around napping either at home or in the car on the way; my two closest friends suggest activities that go from mid-morning to mid-afternoon regularly; and other parents at story hour regularly ask about playdates afterward. I’m fine with continuing to schedule around naptime as I have, because I know it’s what we need but it just has me wondering: Are these other kids really that flexible and easygoing with their naps, or do they just not need them? Am I ridiculous to let naptime ultimately decide our schedule for a few years?
— Need That Nap
Dear Need That Nap,
This is a no harm, no foul situation. It’s true that some parents don’t mind their children skipping naps, or don’t have the luxury to schedule their activities around naptime. Some kids never get on a good nap schedule, for any number of reasons, and probably some don’t really need a nap every day. I know several kids who stopped napping entirely between 18-to-24 months.
I was more in your camp when my kids were small: The nap was not our religion, but unless there was something very important happening, we generally tried for one around the same time most days. I don’t know if other people judged us for prioritizing naptime, and frankly didn’t care, since I was the one who had to deal with exhausted, cranky kids if we missed the window. What you’re doing now is working for you, so go with it for as long as you want to. Especially if, as you say, you fought a long nap war to get to this point—both your kids sleep now, so by all means, enjoy your victory.
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From this week’s letter, My Wife Is Hellbent on Ending My Guys Night for a Silly Reason: “It has gotten to the point that I can’t even enjoy Guys Night because I feel guilty about going and am worried about how she might feel.”
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a gay man who married the love of my life last year. No one from my family was at the wedding. I didn’t even tell them about it until after. My parents responded to my coming out, aged 14, by trying to abuse me back into the closet, in ways I won’t detail here—but it involved conversion therapy, emotional abuse, and my dad saying he would kill any boyfriend I brought home. But because relationships are complicated and in many ways they were good parents (sent me to a great school, went the extra mile taking me to sports and events I enjoyed, and paid for my college expenses even after the coming out disaster), I maintained contact with them throughout college and beyond. I just never told them about any boyfriends, and sought therapy when I could get it to help me process. They never asked about my dating life, and we could have nice conversations so long as I never brought it up.
I told them I was married in a straightforward, practicality-focused way on the phone: “I’m not going to be around for Dad’s birthday because John and I are going on our honeymoon. You might have heard from [cousin on Facebook] that I got married.” My mom went silent, started crying, then hung up. I thought she’d get in touch again acting like everything was normal and we’d never spoken about it. Instead, she and my dad sent a huge check in the mail, with a card addressed to me and John, saying it was a wedding present. They’re both suddenly acting as though they want to meet him, asking about my life in a normal way. When I asked what was going on, they responded, “We’ve realized we need to move on. We don’t want to be cut out of your life.” They have not, however, apologized, and told me not to be “small” when I tentatively mentioned that I need an apology—at least!—to actually trust them again.
The thing is, I was planning on cutting them out of my life. John and I want kids, and we’ve discussed at length the impossibility of feeling safe ever having our children around my parents. The thought of them hurting my future child like they hurt me makes me physically sick. I’d resigned myself to enjoying the last dregs of our semi-nice relationship this year, before going completely no-contact. Their new behavior has thrown me for a loop. I want to believe they’ve really changed and we could have a good relationship, but I also want to never speak again and focus on the future. It feels cruel to reject them just as they’re finally trying to make amends, but so much damage has been done that I don’t think I could ever trust them to meet John, let alone our future kids. Can you please advise me on how to handle this? How can I be the bigger person while protecting myself, my husband, and our future kids? I love my parents, but the relationship hurts so much.
— 15 Years Too Late
Dear 15 Years Too Late,
Just because your parents have decided that they’re ready to “move on” doesn’t mean that you have to be, now or ever. Frankly, I don’t think they are “trying to make amends.” Making amends would, just for starters, involve taking responsibility for what they put you through, which sounds like a particularly violent form of familial homophobia, and offering you a sincere apology. What they’re trying to do is forget their past treatment of you and move forward, because it’s now convenient for them to do so, and they’re hoping that you will be willing to forgive and forget as well. I do hear that you love them, and are thankful for some of the (pretty basic, in my opinion) things they did for you, and perhaps you will ultimately decide to maintain some sort of contact with them. That’s a choice you have the right to make, if you want to. It’s not a choice you have to make.
Your parents chose to behave the way they did for all those years, and they are still making a choice not to treat you as you deserve by refusing to face or accept responsibility for the pain they’ve caused. Telling you that you’re “small” for asking them to say they’re sorry—the very least you’re owed!—is a major red flag and not the reaction of people who understand how wrong they were. Sending a check, however generous, doesn’t repair the harm done. They’re essentially telling you that what they’ve done in the past doesn’t matter, but it does. If they can’t even recognize the ways they’ve hurt you and apologize, I imagine it must feel impossible to know whether they have changed, or how to begin rebuilding broken trust.
I’m not telling you that you need to cut them off entirely, if you don’t feel certain about taking that step—it’s an enormous decision, and it’s yours to make. But I also think it’s very important to pay attention to what you’re feeling: You don’t feel safe with them, you need more time to think about how to proceed, and you aren’t ready to introduce them to John or have a closer relationship with them right now (and don’t know if you will ever be). It is neither “cruel” nor petty to want to protect yourself and your husband. And speaking of John, I think he also deserves agency and a hard veto here—if he never wants to meet or have a relationship with your parents, that’s his choice to make, especially given your father’s history of violent threats.
You mentioned going to therapy in the past; I’m not sure if you’re currently going, but given the abuse you’ve experienced and the intense gaslighting your parents are now engaging in, it might be helpful to seek out more support and another perspective on this situation. In any case, I hope you take all the time you need to talk with your husband and figure out what’s best for both of you going forward. Your parents are not owed your time, access to your spouse or future children, or an ongoing relationship with you just because they’ve suddenly decided that they’re ready. If you wind up totally estranged, or are never able to introduce them to your husband or future kids, I understand that will mean another kind of pain you don’t deserve. But if you go either of those routes, consider that you are not “rejecting” them—you are taking history into account, trying to honor your own feelings and boundaries, and thinking about what’s best for you and your family. You deserve to do all of those things. You deserve to feel safe and fully accepted and loved in the relationships you have. And if this relationship with your parents ever proves too painful for you to maintain, you have the right to walk away.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother and I have a complicated relationship. I grew up wealthy, but to say I had a dysfunctional and abusive childhood is being generous. Out of my three siblings, I’m the only one who will even have contact with her. My husband and I have a 6-year-old now. We adore being parents and adore our child. Sadly, none of our family live close by (my husband is in the military, so we don’t have any say in where we end up!), and family visits are limited to maybe two or three a year. I grew up similarly—we always lived far away from our extended family, and I remember my mom saying how hard it was “by herself with no help”—what little she did do.
Recently, she and my stepfather made the trip to visit us for our child’s birthday (I had to remind and invite them). We held it at a local venue for kids which is my son’s favorite place in town. The next day, a mom friend who was at the party called to say her children were sick as a heads up. Our son was pretty exhausted that next day too so I said I wanted to keep an eye on him for a bit before my mother and I went to do anything away from the house. I mentioned our son might be slightly under the weather and she basically flipped out. My mother is obsessed to the point of ridiculousness with COVID—and nothing can help soothe her concerns. Like most people, my husband, son and I have been quite cautious with COVID procedures. We’re all vaccinated, boostered, avoid large gatherings, and keep up-to-date on info about recent events and new strains. However, we’ve also come to accept that proactive prevention and making informed decisions is about all we can do now.
Within 30 minutes of me mentioning some kids were feeling ill, my mom announced she and my stepdad were leaving (immediately!) to drive seven hours back to their home. Without even thinking, I blurted out, “My son may be sick, so you’re just … abandoning me and your grandkid??” She replied that she couldn’t risk getting sick. I was so upset. Respectfully, but in no uncertain terms, I told her I thought she was being extremely selfish, and I couldn’t believe she was just leaving like that. All she would say is that I didn’t respect her wishes to not get ill. Eventually I ended the conversation by saying that we weren’t going to see eye to eye, so she needed to do whatever she felt was right. They left within 20 minutes, throwing all their clothes in the car and leaving like we were lepers. My mom refused to even hug or touch my son, and my stepdad didn’t say goodbye to anyone.
I feel so conflicted. I do understand that they’re older (with no risk factors, thankfully). I understand no one wants to be sick. But, like so many times in the past, I felt so uncared for. I can’t imagine leaving my son or his children sick if I were visiting them. My mom used to complain about how hard and lonely it was “on her own” (she had my dad), but did the same to me! My son asked why Grandma didn’t want to stay and see him. It broke my heart to see history repeating itself, as I remember asking those same questions about my mother as a child.
Am I in the wrong here? Should I just have accepted her wishes and not said anything? And how do I handle this in the future? I don’t know if I’m just projecting past trauma onto current events, or if I have a right to say, well, you’re not being the greatest mom and grandma right now. Maybe I just have to accept she’s not the mother and grandmother I wish she would be, and make peace with that?
— Giving Up in Georgia
P.S. After a long morning nap, our son was perfectly fine.
Dear Giving Up,
Well, being older is a risk factor, if we’re talking about COVID, and many older people have other conditions that can make it riskier for them. Your mom and/or stepdad could also be dealing with medical issues you aren’t aware of. I get that you were disappointed by their sudden departure—I would’ve been, too! But in these bizarro times, I try to understand when others are unwilling to assume the same risks I do, just as I’d want them to understand if I chose not to participate in something they were all comfortable with. It’s totally okay to feel hurt about your mother leaving the party early; I’m just not sure it’s worth arguing with her at length about her germ tolerance. If she’s really anxious about getting sick and wants to try to avoid it, that’s what she’s going to do.
I know it’s hard to parse what is your mom’s anxiety around COVID and other illnesses, and what is just her not being there for you as usual. I don’t think your reaction is really just about the party, or whether your mother’s fears are justified, but the dysfunctional and neglectful childhood you had—your “past trauma,” as you put it. It’s extra painful for you when you feel as though you can’t count on your mom. You worry about her letting your son down in the same way she let you down, and you want him to be able to depend on the people in his life, even though you couldn’t. Your feelings aren’t wrong and you can’t separate them from things like the party incident, but I do think it’s important to be aware of your history of trauma and what triggers it.
Your mother may never change. Certainly, neither of you can change what’s happened in the past. But your way of, as you say, accepting or “making peace” with these facts can look any number of ways. You can’t control her choices, you can’t erase history or turn her into someone else, but you do have the power to make some decisions in terms of managing your expectations and figuring out how you want to handle this relationship. If your mother never changes, is maintaining some kind of relationship with her still worth it to you, and if so, how often and under what terms would you want to be in contact with her? If she’s just not the mom and grandma you want her to be, do you want to accept whatever she can offer, or is that insufficient for you (and your son)? You don’t have to make all these decisions right away. But given how much hurt you’re still carrying from the past, I think it’s important for you to think about what you really want out of this very complicated relationship that is obviously still causing you a great deal of pain.
— Nicole
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