In this special Advice Week edition of Slate’s parenting advice column, we’ve gathered some of our favorite letters from the past. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are both non-religious, but we were both raised in Christian households. We have chosen to raise our children without religion. My 7-year-old’s best friend’s parents don’t feel the same, however. They are Mormon and are fairly devout. My problem is this kid is REALLY pushy with his religion. Pretty much every time they spend time together this kid is trying to teach mine about a Bible story or giving him religious presents or talking about how Jesus loves him.
We have talked to our son about how people believe different things that we don’t, but lately he has been asking questions about the Bible, or why we don’t go to church more often. To be clear, I don’t blame my son’s friend. I know Mormons typically teach their kids to proselytize to others, and the boy isn’t really old enough to know better. But I don’t really want my son to learn these things. I don’t want him to be religious, honestly. I want him to learn that you should be a good person and do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, not because God will punish you if you don’t.
I did briefly reach out to this boy’s parents, but I’m not close to them, and they didn’t seem interested in stopping the proselytizing. I don’t want to stop him from spending time with this friend, but I don’t really want my son to get some of these religious ideas in his head so young. My husband agrees with me, but I talked to my (moderately religious) sister about it, and she thinks I should just let it go and accept that he will be exposed to religion. I have considered talking to this kid about it, but I am concerned that that would be inappropriate since I’m not his parent, and therefore shouldn’t really be interfering with his religious upbringing. I am torn, please help!
—Don’t Preach to My Kid, Kid
Dear Don’t Preach,
I’m completely on your side here. There’s nothing wrong with your son learning about other religions, but I wouldn’t be happy with anyone—kid or not—trying to make my children follow a certain religion.
What your sister would do is irrelevant—she’s not raising your child. All that matters is that you’re in agreement with your husband. And you have every right to say something to your son’s friend if he’s preaching to your son. If his friend said, “You should run across this busy street with me. It would be fun,” would you think, “I don’t know…it’s not my place to intervene because I’m not his parent”? No, you would step in immediately. The same rule applies in any instance that relates to what’s best for your child.
I think it’s fine to tell the kid that you don’t want to hear any talk about salvation, Jesus, the Bible, or anything else while he’s playing with your son, and that if it continues, then playtime is over. Also, I would coach your son to say the same thing to the kid. If his friend won’t stop talking about religion, then you need to show how serious you are by ending the playdate right then and there. If it comes to that, then I would reach out to his parents to explain how you don’t feel comfortable with your son taking part in those conversations at his age. They may get offended, but if they’re reasonable, they should fall in line.
The bottom line is everyone has a right to believe what they want to believe, but that doesn’t mean they have to push those beliefs on your family.—Doyin Richards
From: “My 7-Year-Old’s Best Friend Won’t Stop Proselytizing” (April 6, 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
The other day I sent my 35-year-old daughter a link to the weather report for where she lives (about icy, dangerous roads—I was concerned about her morning commute), and she phoned me to ask that I not send such things, “as if you think I’m incompetent.” I took this as her setting a boundary and told her I’d respect that, even though doing things for the people I love is my love language.
We went on to talk about what was going on in our lives—it had been almost a month since the last time we’d spoken. Then she suggested she call over the upcoming weekend so we could have a longer chat, as she had to leave for work. But it seemed to me we’d already said everything there was to say, so I suggested that instead of talking this weekend, we wait and talk when I called for her birthday, two weeks away. There was a long pause and then she said she’d “have to think about it.” Now I wonder if she thought I was putting off talking to her because of her request for boundaries.
The thing is, I have very little contact with my daughters. Conversation in general isn’t easy for me, so I don’t enjoy phone calls. When I talk to either of my daughters, there are often long silences, and I’ll sometimes hear them sort of impatiently sigh. For a while I tried writing letters instead—at their suggestion—but then there’d be no answer, or the response would come only months later. So I’ve come to feel that they think I’m intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email. I love them both very much! I don’t want them to see me as a burden. But honestly it feels like we don’t have a relationship at all. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them.
I was in therapy some time ago when my relationship with my husband hit a bad spot, and one of the exercises I was given then was to try to reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones, so I’m trying to do that with my kids (I try to replace “they don’t want to hear from me” with “they’re busy with work/school”) but it’s so hard. My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. I know I need to go back into therapy, but I’m home all the time now with my husband and I don’t have the freedom and privacy to talk that this would require. I suppose I don’t even know what my question is. I guess—do you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? I don’t think this is going to change and I am bereft about it.
—Too Much Mom?
Dear TMM,
I can be too much too, so my heart goes out to you. I am intimately familiar with trying to replace “she doesn’t want to talk to me” with “she’s busy,” and I learned a long time ago—long before I had a grown-up daughter, back when I was the grown-up daughter and my father wouldn’t think twice about sending me the sort of link (if he’d known how to send a link) you sent your kid—that if you want to have a good relationship with adult children, you should assume competency and never offer advice unless asked for it. But your situation seems to me pretty complicated—more complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact. As a baseline, let’s stop comparing our relationships to our kids with anyone else’s. The range of what’s “normal” is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day!); some people have contact sporadically. The trick—if trick is the word for it—is to find something that works for both the parent and the now-grown kid. And that’s not easy.
I can’t speak to your relationship with your husband because you’ve said little about it. But where your daughters are concerned, I’d suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. If you can’t manage a phone conversation, I would put your thoughts in a letter. That’s not a bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelings—i.e., dump your feelings on them. Instead of saying “It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact” or “I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to!” you might just tell them that you love them, that you’re sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. I will tell you that if I were your 35-year-old and I’d said, “I’ve got to go now or I’ll be late for work, but I’ll call you this weekend, OK?” and you said, “No, let’s just wait until I call you in two weeks,” I would have been hurt. Perhaps in the future you might say something to the effect of “Whatever works for you! I’m always glad to hear from you,” and leave it at that.
But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. I think you do have to get back into therapy. I think your depression is casting a shadow over everything and will continue to until you get the help you need and deserve. Let your husband know you need privacy when you’re on a phone or video session with your therapist. Ask him to take a walk, if possible (well-masked, staying away from others!); if that’s not possible, ask him not to disturb you when you are in a session. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. Close the door. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. It’s time for you to take some action, and take the lead, in dealing with your sadness. Things can change, but only if you do something about them.—Michelle Herman
From: “My Grown Children Want Nothing to Do With Me” (Feb. 28, 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My family recently moved across the state. Our youngest child “Ellie” is 8 years old. She has anxiety and has trouble making friends. Their school doesn’t start until next week, but one of my older kids has already made friends with a kid in the neighborhood. My son’s friend has a sister, “Lucy.” Lucy and Ellie are both going to be in third grade and are going to be in the same class at school.
Over the past few weeks, they have become great friends. Lucy and Ellie have bonded over their shared love of animals, superheroes, and that they both have disabilities (Lucy uses a wheelchair, and Ellie uses a hearing aid and has some vision issues). Lucy is more outgoing but very patient with my shy and timid daughter, and I think that if this relationship continues into the school year it would be a great way for my daughter to feel more comfortable at school. At her old school, last year was the first year in-person since kindergarten, and my daughter didn’t make a single friend during the whole year, so it would be great if we could help her make friends this year.
The issue is that Lucy’s mom’s boyfriend, “Carl,” is a bit of a creep…
I talked with him while Ellie and Lucy were playing at Lucy’s house, and while he didn’t say anything to the kids, he did tell me some stuff, especially about how glad he was to see my daughter was a little girl with blonde hair and pale skin, and how much he loves it when kids who wear glasses take off their glasses. My danger senses were tingling every time I interacted with him. I don’t feel comfortable with my kids hanging out around Carl.
Unfortunately, Carl lives with Lucy’s family and Lucy can’t play at our house because it isn’t very accessible for children in wheelchairs. My wife and I tried talking to Lucy’s mom but she just dismissed it as Carl having autism. I would love some advice on how to keep my kids safe without taking away my daughter’s ability to hang out with her friend.
—A Fearful Father
Dear Fearful Father,
If I could, I’d send you the Whoopi Goldberg “You in danger, girl” GIF right now. Look, maybe Carl is a harmless dude, and apologies to Carl if so, but if your danger senses were tingling when it comes to your child being safe with this person, you must trust your gut. Because if there’s even a chance that Carl did something harmful to your daughter, you’d never be able to forgive yourself for ignoring it.
It sounds like your daughter has formed a beautiful friendship with Lucy. Can you accompany her to Lucy’s house so that she is not at risk of being alone with Carl? You can let them think you’re just an overprotective dad who doesn’t let his third-grader go on unsupervised playdates. Or can the two play outside at your house? Or would it be too difficult to provide some basic accommodations for Lucy’s wheelchair, given how beneficial this friendship could be for your daughter? How about taking the two girls to the park or to other activities that aren’t located in your homes? There are lots of creative ways to maintain a valuable friendship while also honoring your instincts and keeping your daughter safe.—Emily McCombs
From: “I Met the Family of My Daughter’s New Friend … and Alarm Bells Went Off” (Sept. 21, 2022)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I had to return to work when our first child was 4 months old, and my husband and I decided to get a nanny. We found Maria through an agency, and she ticked all our boxes. She was wonderful with our daughter and always followed our directions. I will always be extremely grateful for how Maria helped out our family, but I never considered her part of the family, and this is/was the problem. I would like to think I was always kind to Maria and treated her well, but perhaps only seeing her as an employee was unkind?
When my daughter was 2½, we had a second child. My mother was in town for the delivery. When it came time to bring the baby home from the hospital, I told my husband I wanted the homecoming to just be the family, and he expressed reluctance to actively omit Maria. I felt strongly that I only wanted the family present and he acquiesced. If only I had listened to him. We asked my mother to go home ahead of us and relieve Maria for the day and tell her she could meet the baby the next day when she came to take care of our daughter. We ended up pulling up to the house just as Maria was leaving and she became distraught. She said we didn’t want her to meet the baby and that she was going to quit and left the house in tears. I ran after her shouting reassurances and sat on the curb holding her hand while she sat in her car. I begged her not to quit and explained that it had all been a big misunderstanding. She calmed down and then I brought her to meet the baby and then she left; she came to work the next day and it was fine. Except I have never forgiven her for tainting the homecoming of my kid. She worked for us for another six months, and then we put both kids in day care, citing the expense and the need for our daughter to get more socialized (both of which were true), but I also wanted Maria out of our lives. Despite needing a babysitter from time to time, at my behest, we never hired Maria again. My husband could not understand my stance, but I was firm. In my (perhaps hormonally altered?) mind, Maria had betrayed me.
Maria listed me as a reference, and over the years I have always given her glowing recommendations. It seems that our family was the longest she was employed in one stretch so even now, six years after she worked for us, we still get reference calls about her, and I continue to praise her. Maria continues to babysit for friends nearby, and so we see her around from time to time. The other day she must have seen us pass by in our car on the way home because she pulled into our driveway to say hello. I am always friendly and share updates when we bump into each other. She still texts me sometimes and asks for pictures of the kids, and I always respond. My daughter is almost 10 now, and I still think about what happened. It bothers me that when I had the option of being right (it was OK to only want my family home when I brought home my new baby) and kind (it would have meant so much to Maria to have been included in that moment), I chose wrong. But I still am upset at what I see as a breach of trust; I still remember how humiliated I felt sitting on that curb, less than 24 hours after giving birth, begging this woman to stay in our lives when I felt she was in the wrong. I don’t think I want Maria back in our lives again, but do I owe her an apology? More importantly, I would want to mean it, and I don’t think I would! So how do I forgive her? Or let this go? Even though he disagreed, my husband supported my decisions. We haven’t talked about it recently, but I think this is the one thing I’ve done that he is disappointed in me about.
—Can’t Let It Go
Dear Can’t Let It Go,
You both hold yourself and Maria accountable for the situation, but you still blame her for forcing you, just postpartum, into having to put your feelings aside to tend to hers. Ten years later, you claim to understand why Maria’s feelings were hurt when you excluded her from your baby’s homecoming, and you see that she obviously cares deeply for the children that she takes care of (hence her still wanting pictures and occasionally visiting your home). Yet you still resent her. I won’t try to figure out why that is—I have thoughts for sure!—but I think this is something you need to come to understand and make peace with, and that if you were capable of doing so on your own, or even with a word of advice, it would have happened by now.
I think you should consider speaking to a therapist about these feelings. Perhaps there is something else here—how you feel about requiring the services of a nanny, for example—that you need to unpack. For a nanny who is used to functioning as a member of her “family,” I can imagine why the intentional lack of inclusion could make Maria feel as though she was not valued or trusted, that the people she cares so much for do not feel the same way about her. I can also understand how someone who perhaps wasn’t used to this way of bonding might not see a nanny as having such a role. But considering that you’ve had many years to consider your husband’s stance and Maria’s behavior, and that you’re not only conflicted, but still upset with this woman? This is deeper than what happened on the day you came home from the hospital, my love. Reach out to a therapist; I think you’ll be able to figure out just what’s really bothering you. Wishing you the best.—Jamilah Lemieux
From: “I Can’t Stop Thinking About What I Did to Our Nanny Almost a Decade Ago” (Aug. 6, 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I have been married for 22 years, and have had an open marriage for the past 10 years. Recently, our 19-year-old daughter was somewhere I wasn’t expecting her (in a different city where we live) and saw me with the woman I have been sleeping with for the past 18 months. We were in an intimate embrace, and she correctly inferred our relationship, but did not make her presence known to me. However, she confided in her mother. My wife told me our daughter saw us and now thinks I am having an affair. I asked my wife if she set the record straight about our open relationship, and the fact that she was actually with her lover at the same time I was with mine. She said that she doesn’t feel comfortable with our children knowing we have an open marriage.
I am frustrated and angry and feel betrayed. The open marriage was something my wife and I agreed on together. I get feeling a little uncomfortable about admitting something so intimate to our children, but I think that the alternative—them thinking that I am a cheater who is cheating on their mother—is much worse. My wife says I should have been more careful, and that it will blow over. I disagree and want to tell all three of our children (19, 17, and 15 years old) immediately. She has told me she’d rather put an end to the arrangement than tell them. I told her we could do both, but that I was at least talking to the 19-year-old, telling her about the arrangement, and also telling her siblings if she has already told them about my supposed “affair.” My wife doesn’t like this plan, either. Should I go ahead with it anyway? I know my wife is just trying to save the image the children have of her, but in the process she doesn’t seem to see that she is influencing the way the children see me and my relationship with them. I’d rather my children see us as sexual beings with an open marriage than to see me as a cheater and their mother as a wronged party.
—Swinger in Syracuse
Dear Swinger,
Whether you should’ve been more careful seems not worth litigating now; the cat’s out of the bag, and I don’t think your 19-year-old is going to just forget about it. Your feelings and your wife’s are both valid, but given that your daughter is now dealing with the fallout of what she thinks she saw, I think it’s worth framing your discussion and decisions around what is best for her, going forward. Is it better for your daughter to know the truth, or to persist in believing a painful falsehood? If her well-being is the priority, it’s really hard for me to see any option other than honesty.
To be clear, I don’t think it’s your place to share details about your wife’s intimate relationships with other people—she has every right to keep that information private if she chooses. But sharing the fact of your open marriage is another matter, and I believe it’s far better to explain this than to let your daughter believe you’re having an affair. Of course, it would be ideal if you and your wife could explain it to her together, calmly, as a choice adults in a relationship can make together—or at least agree on why telling her is the best option. However you approach it, you will need to find more common ground around how much you share, because it is important for her to know, and soon. And I think you and your wife should also discuss when and how you might have similar conversations with your other two children, as hearing this from you is preferable to them finding out on their own or from their sister.
I can understand your wife’s desire for privacy. And if she truly can’t imagine telling any of your kids, ever, perhaps she has more complicated feelings about your arrangement than she once did? But in any case, your daughter needs to know enough to understand what she saw. And I think that’s probably the best way to consider this question, and to frame the conversation with your wife: not focusing on the goal of damage control, or trying to control how your children see either of you, but recognizing that it is obviously better for your 19-year-old to know the facts than to hold a mistaken impression that is undoubtedly causing her pain.—Nicole Chung
From: “My Daughter Discovered Our Open Relationship in the Worst Possible Way” (June 23, 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I recently got engaged to a man who has two children from his prior marriage. The children are 7 and 9 and my fiancé has them part of the time, but they spend the majority of their time with their mother. At the beginning of our relationship, my fiancé set clear expectations: He wouldn’t introduce me to the children unless our relationship became serious; if it did, he would be making all parenting decisions. He said he’d had difficulties with his ex-wife around the issue of parental decision-making, and the conditions he set for us seemed reasonable to me.
It’s only now—when we are engaged and I have moved in with him, and he and I have spent time with his children—that something has come up that troubles me. When his kids stay with us, he buys separate, lower-quality food items specifically for them. For example, we’ll have brand-name cookies for the two of us, and he’ll buy a box of store-brand cookies of the same type for the kids. If the kids get into the brand-name cookies, he’ll take them away and redirect them to the lower-quality items he has on hand for them. Even when we get takeout, he’ll get something more expensive for us and a much cheaper option for them. I’ve asked him why (neither of us are financially struggling; we can certainly afford to feed the children well), and he says that since kids don’t have developed palates yet, there’s no point buying the more expensive stuff for them. But I see them looking at what we’re eating, and it makes me feel awful. I’ve told him how I feel and he dismisses it, although he says if I don’t want to do this with our own future children, he won’t. (I am not entirely convinced of this. I think there is a chance he will treat them too like second-class citizens just because they are children.) He has been very clear about boundaries: I am to stay out of all choices he makes about his own kids.
But I want to insist that he stop doing this. I don’t want his children to grow resentful of us and not want to spend time with us and their future siblings. Now I find that I am seriously questioning our future together—I’m filled with doubt over what I see as a serious character flaw. Is this normal behavior that I just haven’t come across before? Am I overreacting? I think about my own childhood, when my mother—a single, working-poor woman—made sure her kids had the best she could afford even if it meant that she had to go without.
—Concerned Fiancé
Dear Concerned,
I do not believe you are overreacting. I’m sorry to say that I think what he is revealing about himself through this behavior is something for you to be concerned about. I say this not only because his children may indeed come to the conclusion that they aren’t welcome in your home—and not only because, yes, if he believes that children’s “undeveloped palates” mean that the Oreos should be kept under lock and key (and snatched from them if they are foolish enough to defy him!), then he will certainly pull this nonsense again with those future children. I think he is demonstrating something ugly about himself—something small and ungenerous and unkind and unloving. When people tell you something about themselves, it behooves you to listen.
Is it possible that his meanness toward his kids is displaced rage or hostility toward his ex? Sure. But even if it is, I imagine you’ll agree that it’s not a good sign that he would displace his anger in this way. If your fiancé isn’t willing or able to talk through this with you—if he refuses to discuss it on the basis of an agreement you made “not to interfere” (a dubious agreement in any case, if these kids are going to live with you part of the time, and one that needs to be revisited and retuned), if he is too rigid to hear you out—I think you are quite right to question your future with him.—Michelle
From: “My Fiancé Treats His Kids Like Second-Class Citizens” (April 4, 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I found out, via a news clip, that my 19-year-old nephew was involved in the Capitol riots. There is video footage of him waving a Confederate flag and trying to break into the building. I am aghast, obviously. I’m a British man, but my older sister moved to the U.S. decades ago and married an evangelical preacher. The sister I knew and loved, who had supported me when I came out as gay in my teens, turned seemingly overnight into a small-minded homophobe. She has visited our mum (a single mother) once a year since the move, and for the sake of my mum I attend a family meal with them, though I refused to stop bringing my husband when my sister and BIL started worrying about my “influence” on their young son. We always got through it by talking about nothing of substance at all—no news, no politics, no debate on my human rights, etc. Now, however, I do not want to see them ever again. I had no idea they had gotten this bad.
My sister has now gotten in touch via a family email begging for financial support to pay for her son’s legal aid. He was arrested and is facing serious charges for assaulting a police officer. According to my mum and sister, he’s “a good boy” who was simply “mixed up with the wrong people” and is “too young to be held accountable for misguided actions.” I ignored my sister’s email, but am now getting calls from my mum in which she sobs that I “have to help” her only grandkid. I’m better off financially than the rest of my family, as they keep reminding me. My husband even got a call from my BIL (who has never previously spoken more than two sentences to my husband) asking him to talk to me about my duty to the family. We’ve had no problem blocking their calls and messages, but I’m honestly heartbroken about my mum’s stance on this. I live near her and have supported her financially and emotionally through years of ill health, and I’ve always valued our relationship deeply. Now she has said some truly awful things in support of my nephew’s actions (“he’s really a victim,” “this is the same as the Black Lives Matter movement and you supported them,” “he’s the only grandchild I’ll ever have because of your gay lifestyle,” etc.).
Do I need to cut off my own mother over this? I know it’s not been long and that she might come down from whatever this is, but I also feel like she’s shown some ugly true colors. I’m in shock and would really appreciate any guidance you can offer.
—Nephew Shame
Dear Nephew Shame,
First, I’m sorry that you and your husband are going through this, and that you’ve been treated so abominably by your family members. You mention that your mother might change her mind—this seems rather unlikely, but if her only source on this is your sister, I suppose you might try to make sure she at least reads an accurate timeline of events.
The decision to disown a parent is so weighty and heartbreaking that ultimately, I believe, no one else can make it for you. If I were in your position, I know I would want, at the very least, a break from communication—I’d want some space to think and process and acknowledge how painful this has been without having to expend more emotional energy either listening or responding to the indefensible things you’ve been hearing. But I don’t feel it’s my place, or the place of anyone not in your shoes, to tell you that you need to cut your mother off. You’re the only one who understands the full history and context, who knows what either choice—to maintain this relationship, or let it go—would cost you.
It’s OK that you’re not yet sure if or how to proceed with your mother; honestly, I think telling her that might be one place to start. You don’t have to be in regular contact with her while you think and figure out what you want to do. You can take some time to talk with your husband, to consider whether you can still have a relationship with your mother—and, if so, what respect, rules, boundaries, etc. you’d need (e.g., an apology for her hurtful statements to you; no more once-yearly family dinners with your sister and her racist insurrectionist progeny; no more petitioning you and your husband on your nephew’s behalf, etc.). Whatever you decide, I don’t think your relationship with her can or will remain the same after this—I suspect that if you tried to just avoid all political discussion in future, forget this happened, and move on, it would require a degree of compartmentalization, even dishonesty, that wouldn’t feel right or be especially healthy for you.
Sometimes we focus on what we’re told we owe our families of origin (time, money, appeasement, silence), and forget what we owe ourselves. There are no simple or painless options here, but you shouldn’t have to hear your relatives malign your marriage or defend violence. You don’t have to bite your tongue for the sake of maintaining a false “peace” at the dinner table. And you don’t have to remain in any relationship that proves actively damaging to you. If you feel, now or in the future, that your relationship with your mother has become too costly or harmful to you—and perhaps to your spouse as well—know that you have every right to draw a harder line for the sake of your own health, self-respect, and well-being.—Nicole
From: “My Nephew Was Part of the Capitol Riot, and My Family Wants Me to Pay for His Lawyer” (Jan. 13 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a new father to a beautiful 10-month-old girl. My wife’s company has a generous maternity leave policy, and she has been at home with our daughter since the birth and is scheduled to go back to work just after her first birthday in January. She recently told me she doesn’t want to go back to her job and would like to be a stay-at-home parent instead. I asked her why, and she said she enjoys being a mother too much to leave our daughter to go back to work when she doesn’t need to. This is such a departure from our plans before the baby was born. She has a good job that she enjoyed before going on leave, and had always been adamant that she wanted to continue working even after becoming a mom. We met when we worked at the same company many years ago, and one of the things I was most attracted to was her ambition and tenacity. It’s really surprising to hear that her career isn’t that important to her anymore.
Honestly, I don’t want her to quit her job. She earns about the same as I do, and while we could make ends meet on my income alone, it would impact our ability to save, and we’d need to give up one of our cars and cut way back on “extras” that make life more enjoyable. I also just … don’t want a stay-at-home wife. I really admired my wife for her work ethic, and I want her to set a good example for our daughter, too. Seeing her give up like this is really disappointing.
I gently asked her if she thought her change in attitude could be related to a possible mental health issue or postpartum depression, but she didn’t take that well. She says she only cares about our daughter and that’s where all her energy needs to go right now, and that if I love her, I will let her do this. I do love my wife, and I’m not interested in divorce, but I’m seeing a whole new side of her that I just don’t like or admire. What should I do?
—Suddenly the Breadwinner
Dear StB,
I understand this is a jarring about-face from your wife’s past position on working. I’m not discounting the financial consequences of giving up nearly half the family income, or the great satisfaction many people draw from their careers. I hope that your wife takes the opportunity to talk this through with anyone she needs or wants to talk to before making a decision. Of course there could be other factors at play, like postpartum anxiety, and it would be hard for her and for all of you if she wound up regretting this choice later.
But based on what you shared, I think perhaps you’re looking at this question in a rather reductive, self-focused kind of way, and without a lot of information about why your wife feels the way she does. The decision to be a stay-at-home parent, if one is privileged enough to have the option (and if it’s not forced on them due to under- or unemployment or a pandemic that’s closed school buildings across the country), is obviously complex and different for everyone, and it’s not as though this country gives parents the best options or support. Having a stay-at-home parent might not be the most practical decision in your family’s case—and I also hear that you’ve always admired your wife’s ambition, which is no bad thing. But it seems unnecessarily harsh to refer to her possibly not returning to work as her “giv[ing] up,” and to imply that it means she would no longer be setting a good example for your child. I’m also concerned that you’d admit to admiring and even liking her less based on this choice.
Few of us remain exactly the same, maintain the same desires and goals, or feel fulfilled by the exact same things over the course of a lifetime. A hallmark of a good marriage or long-term relationship is when it proves safe ground for one or both people to change—sometimes change a great deal—without losing their partner’s support, respect, or love.
You say you love and want to stay with your wife. So try to understand her better and judge her less, especially at a time when both your lives have already drastically changed with new parenthood. Be patient and supportive as the two of you discuss how she’s feeling and what she really wants. The decision to remain in her current job or not is ultimately hers—just as you’d want to be the one to decide whether you stay in your job. If you value both your wife and your child, you should also be ready and able to value the significant labor she’ll put into caring for your child if she does become a SAHM.—Nicole
From: “I Don’t Want My Wife to Become a Stay-at-Home Mom” (March 10, 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a single mom of an amazing 6-year-old boy. I asked my best friend if she would be his guardian if anything happened to me, and she said no.
She’s always said she didn’t want children, but she’s so great with my son that it really shocked me when she turned me down. I’m not close to my family, and I wouldn’t want them raising him because of our different values. My son’s father has never been in the picture; he would have absolutely no interest in raising my son, and I wouldn’t want him to. My friend has babysat my son and even had him for weekends, so I know how good she is with him and he loves her. She is a great person, but not conventionally attractive, and she’s never been in a relationship. I think she’s always said she didn’t want children because she knew that wasn’t in the cards for her. Maybe it has become such a habit that she actually believes it now. I think she would make a wonderful mother.
She’s the only person I want to raise my son if I’m not around, so I’m thinking I have two options: 1) Work on convincing her. She always comes around if I keep at her long enough. Or 2) Drop it for now, and express my preference in my will and leave a sealed letter detailing why she’s the only person I trust with my son. Which option is best? Or is there a better way to convince my friend that she should take my son? I’m not ill or dying, I just want this sorted out for my peace of mind.
—Please Be My Son’s Guardian
Dear Please,
Both of these “options” are absolutely appalling! Don’t attempt to pester or guilt your friend into changing her mind, and don’t just make her de facto guardian without her consent! NEITHER. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I think you might be working from a very strange definition of “friendship”—perhaps it’s worth stopping to ask yourself whether you’re really this person’s friend. Do you respect her and what she says? Do you genuinely value her as a person and care about what she wants? Or are you only interested in getting what you want from her?
I’m not even going to go into your bizarre, condescending theory that she only said she doesn’t want children because … she’s not conventionally attractive??? Instead, let us focus on the actual facts: Being good with your kid, babysitting him on the occasional weekend, even caring for and loving him, is not the same thing as being his parent. Your friend has told you that she doesn’t want to be your son’s guardian. Even if you are right that she would be a wonderful mother, that is not what she wants. You asked; she said no; that should be the end of it. Respect her, respect her decision, and make a different guardianship plan.—Nicole
From: “My Best Friend Refuses to Be My Kid’s Designated Guardian” (April 14, 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a single mom to a wonderfully precocious 5-year-old girl. My partner has three children from a previous marriage (ages 12, 10 and 7). We’ve gotten very serious and have discussed marriage in the near future. I love him with all my heart and feel very fortunate to have found love again. Except for one thing. My partner and his children are practicing Muslims. Though I was also raised Muslim, I am now an atheist. My partner knows and accepts my atheism and has no problem with how I live my life. I drink, eat and dress however I like and my ex-husband and I don’t put any religious restrictions on our own daughter. However, out of respect for my partner, I refrain from any activities that could be seen as “unIslamic” (i.e. imbibing, eating pork or wearing “revealing” clothing) when his kids visit. My partner does drink socially but never ever in front of his own children. In fact, no one in his family knows he’s ever touched alcohol!
I have slowly started to lift the curtain back on my authentic self in front of kids by wearing sleeveless tops and knee-length dresses but, eventually, I’d like to eat and drink what I like (especially in my own house!). This is a particularly sensitive topic as my partner’s ex-wife is deeply conservative and would be beyond upset if she caught wind of what I do. It could be perceived as influencing her children away from Islam and cause further friction between the two of them (they already have a contentious relationship as it is). However, I’m becoming concerned with how long I can keep this charade up when we eventually blend our families! When do I get to stop “hiding”? How do I broach the topic of easing some restrictions while his kids are around? How should my partner speak to his own kids about what his religious expectations for them are (despite the fact that he also does things that are considered “haram”). I feel like I’ve dug a hole for myself to keep my partner’s kids and ex-wife blissfully unaware of my true self but I’m ready to dig myself out. Please help!
—Atheist in a (Fox) Hole
Dear Atheist in a (Fox) Hole,
Congratulations on finding love again. That is fortunate. What’s less auspicious is your description of your current situation. You should not have to seek permission to be your authentic self.
You came into this family dynamic as a person who’s made unapologetic peace with who she is. Can your partner say the same?
You shouldn’t have to ask him about easing restrictions on your own behavior, whether his kids are around or not. As you’ve noted, there should be no restrictions on what you can and cannot do in your own home. It also isn’t your responsibility to figure out how your partner should talk to his children about the behavior he, too, is hiding from them. He has to decide how, when, and if he wants to do that. It seems that he’s reluctant to be more transparent with them, as well as with his conservative ex-wife. Why that’s the case is worth exploring before continuing down the path toward marriage. You have to find out for sure that he wants to remove the restrictions that have been in place since the inception of your relationship. If he doesn’t, you have to decide whether or not you can live with that. I suspect you’ve already made that decision.—Stacia L. Brown
From: “My Partner Expects Me to Hide Who I Am From His Kids” (Sept. 6, 2021)
Dear Care and Feeding,
The other day, I was in the bathroom when I noticed my 16-year-old son’s cellphone in there. I’ve done that, so after washing and drying my hands, I found him in his room and gave the phone back. While I was about it, though, he got a text, which looked complete gibberish to me.
I asked him about it, and Kevin laughed and said that it would take a long time to explain, that it was an inside joke with some of his friends. It’s been a long time since I was a teen, but I remember that sort of evasion, and after asking about it some more, he still wouldn’t explain, but forwarded me a log of the texts because it wasn’t a big deal, just “a laugh,” in his words.
I’ve looked over the log twice now and my initial impression of this being gibberish has only intensified. I’ll share three of the texts as samples, but they’re all equally incomprehensible.
“Why do you leftypol Carnymancers soi the Royal turnip”
“Considering the hyperperfusonality of the Sodent Anes we require a Meatspin immediately”
“Yesssssssss snotspill with the Samojed pilpvl hair”
Half of these aren’t words I’m familiar with. The other half makes no sense. I’m somewhat comforted by Kevin treating the whole thing like a joke and showing it to me immediately, but he is still being evasive about it all. Mostly I just wanted an outside opinion to check if this is something weird and important or something weird and unimportant.
—Say What
Dear SW,
Unless there is an entire secret language that these kids have, in which some of these particular words are a substitute for something malicious or violent, it sounds like this is just some playful gibberish. After some Googling, some terms do pop up: “Leftypol” is a left-wing message board that started out on 8chan; “carnymancer” might be some kind of obscure fantasy character; and “meatspin” likely refers to a shock pornographic video that went around online. That said, it doesn’t necessarily mean your son participates on 8chan or is using hate speech; I’d chalk it up to being a teenage boy talking to other teenage boys.
As always, remain mindful of what your kid is consuming online, what sorts of themes and topics seem to get him riled up, and what kind of buddies he’s hanging with. Keep up whatever you’re doing now, where he feels comfortable sharing with you. But at the moment, I can’t find evidence of something for you to be worried about. My vote is for “weird and unimportant.” And if there are some worrisome web meanings for those other terms, certainly someone will educate us in the comments.—Jamilah
From: “My 16-Year-Old Showed Me His Texts. I Am Speechless.” (Oct. 15, 2021)
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