Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m hoping you can shed some light on an issue that is currently disrupting my otherwise happy five-year marriage. I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home dad. I love kids and have always wanted to partake in the amazing journey that is helping a little person navigate the world. This, believe it or not, was one of Emma’s biggest “green flags” about me. She is extremely ambitious and career-minded; she graduated high school with a two-year degree and is now in a management position at a big software company, which is amazing for her age. While both she and I always wanted kids, it was agreed from the start that I would stay at home with the child and homeschool, and she would become the primary breadwinner. This was discussed at length before we got married and especially before we decided to get pregnant.
Our daughter, “Hailey,” is now 6 months old. Emma has been on maternity leave, and I was expecting that she would go back to work around this time. But she has fallen in love with Hailey, and now she wants to be a SAHM and wants me to work. She says that she cannot imagine leaving her baby and missing “all of the good stuff,” and that she cannot bear going back to work because it has lost its appeal.
I have a lot of issues with this. While I understand that her opinions and priorities have changed since Hailey’s birth, I feel that it is massively unfair for her to pull this switch on me. Logistically, it makes no sense. Her income can comfortably support three people, whereas my degree would only allow for two people to live on Ramen and Walmart sales. When I tried to talk to Emma about this, she blew up and said that I wasn’t taking her feelings into account. I told her that I completely understood, but that she couldn’t just remake our entire plan for our family’s future based on an (admittedly serious) whim. Emma does understand that my earning potential is significantly less than hers, so now she is suggesting that I go back to school with our savings while we live with her parents.
No. This is the worst possible thing; MIL smokes and was verbally abusive to Emma (calling her stupid, lazy, ugly, impossible to parent, why does she even bother, etc.). FIL hates kids and constantly talks about how if he had another one he would just let it “get run over by a car” because he’s too old, and their house is generally disgusting and unhygienic. I would never make Hailey live around these people. I also do not want to dip into our life savings to go back to school for a job that would still be entry level (if I could snag one that would support all of us) while Emma has a job right there. But she just spends her days pretending that this issue isn’t hanging over our heads, and her company won’t keep her on maternity leave forever. What should I do?
—Stay-At-Home Parent?
Dear SAHP,
Lots of people want to stay at home, and sadly, very few can. It’s especially unlikely (if not impossible) when both parents want that role. You have to opt for the pragmatic choice and have Emma go back to work, for all the reasons you mentioned, first and foremost because she can support the family. I also agree with you that staying with the in-laws is a total non-starter, not only for their horrible behavior but also because I really, really don’t like the idea of you draining your savings at the same time. Emma is asking to sacrifice the whole family’s security to meet her desires; sometimes in a family, you do that. And other times, the individual is the one who sacrifices. I think this is one of those latter cases.
None of this means it has to be the forever choice though. Are you planning to have multiple kids? Maybe she can be a part-time or full-time SAHM the next time around—that would give you both time to plan and prepare for that shift in income or responsibilities, instead of pivoting in the moment, which is what she’s currently suggesting.
In the short-term, can she adjust her schedule so she is off one day a week, and she has that day with Hailey all to herself? Does her company allow job shares (two people splitting one job 50/50)? These options wouldn’t give Emma everything she wants, but they would ease the abruptness of going back to the office full-time.
I can tell you’re feeling frustrated—like you found yourself in a bait-and-switch. Hard as it might be, do what you can to extend grace to Emma. Motherhood does a number on one’s physical and emotional self, and it can change things you would have previously though immutable. From what you’ve written, it sounds like her own childhood left much to be desired. She may feel both a strong maternal pull to Hailey as well as a desire to have a do-over of her own youth. Be compassionate, and don’t be afraid to explore couples’ therapy to help get you both back on the same page.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have four kids with my husband of 20 years; “Isla” (14F), “Hannah” (12F), “Becca” (10F), and “Nico” (8M). They’re all amazing kids that get along great. Sometimes parenting can be a little much since they’re all homeschooled and my husband works full time, but I manage with a little help from Isla.
Hannah has cerebral palsy. She uses a wheelchair and has facial differences that leave her looking mildly overweight. She is a sweet, dear girl, but because of her differences, she doesn’t have a whole lot of friends. To be exact, she has “Lila,” who is her best friend but attends public school and music afterschool camp (so isn’t around much), and a couple of girls who will sit with her during book club because their parents make them. Other than that, she is lonely. I feel bad because both Isla and Becca have roaring social lives—they both do dance and STEM club and come home talking about things that happened and what they did that day. Hannah notices that she is not like other tweens and sadly understands that she will never have the same experiences as her sisters.
Isla now has her first boyfriend, and Hannah has been really sad lately. She seems to have internalized that she will never be desirable in the same way that Isla—who is very attractive—is. I hate that this is society’s message to differently abled kids. How do I help Hannah through watching her sister’s love from afar?
— All’s Fair in Love?
Dear All’s Fair,
It’s so hard as a teen or tween to feel like life is passing you by. I can only imagine how those feelings might be amplified for Hannah. My first reaction is to stress that her disability is not a guaranteed prohibition to love. Plenty of people with disabilities have casual and committed romantic relationships.
Your job as her mom is to thread that next-to-impossible needle of raising her to believe that she is worthy of love, while also raising her to be a woman who doesn’t need romantic love in order to be fulfilled. No big deal, right?! Yay parenting! Jokes aside, the somewhat good news is that every parent must thread this same needle. I think it might help you to recast your thoughts on the issue in that light.
On a different note, I can’t help but wonder if some of Hannah’s despondence has to do with her relative isolation. Finding social activities and meaningful friendships can be so hard when you are homeschooling multiple kids. Yet, for Hannah, it might be even more critical than for your other kids that she finds people who genuinely like and seek out her company. Are you 100 percent committed to homeschooling, or is your public school district an option? School can sometimes resemble the Hunger Games, but she’d also meet more kids than you could ever introduce her to, and might be more likely there to find “her people.”
If that’s not an option that works for Hannah or your family, look for other groups where she can find a niche. Being part of a community through an activity or shared interest might help her find more acceptance and help her develop self-confidence and worth. Future boyfriends or not, nothing beats a girl who pursues her passions.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a PTSD-related aversion to touch. Physical contact stresses me to the point where I feel like I’m in pain all over my body and my mind shuts down. It truly doesn’t matter what kind of touch it is, or who it’s from—this is my physical reaction. I use tools to recover from the reaction but haven’t been able to stop it from happening. (I’m in therapy but it’s slow-going, so this is my reality right now.)
Some of my friends have young kids. These kids are amazing, and I love spending time with them—and I’m lucky enough to be invited to pretty frequently. The problem is, even though I love the kids and they are completely innocent, I still get that extreme reaction when they hug me. They’re all toddler-aged, give or take, so they’re very affectionate and want to hug or sit in my lap a lot. Intellectually, I know that this is beautiful and adorable, and I’m lucky they like me so much, but it’s overwhelming to deali with the shutdown I get from one hug, let alone when it’s constant for long periods of time.
Obviously, toddlers (ages 1-3) are too young for me to explain that not wanting a hug isn’t a rejection of them, but at what age could they understand that I don’t want hugs but I still love them? Is there a way to set that boundary now without hurting a kid that young? I fully realize this is a “me problem,” so I’m wondering if there’s a solution that won’t put any responsibility on the kids or make them feel bad.
— (Un)Affectionate Aunt
Dear (Un),
I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that a lot of parents nowadays teach their kids bodily autonomy from an early age by not making them hug or kiss relatives, etc. against their will. If your friends are among the adults who parent this way, the kids might have a foundation you can build upon, using the same words that your parent friends use. The bad news is that even if the young kids in your life understand your aversion, they might not reliably adapt their behavior around it, so you need to be prepared.
Practically, I can think of a couple tips that might help. When a kid comes in for a hug, hold up a hand and use the term ouchie/owie to stop the behavior. (e.g. “No Melissa, remember hugs give Auntie owies. No hugs, please!”) You might even construct a small red stop sign on a stick and hold it up when a kid is coming at you. I would also come up with a replacement behavior for the physical contact—blowing kisses or similar “moves” will give the kiddos an alternate method for expressing and receiving love. It can even be a move they only do with you so that it’s special.
Even with these options, there’s always a possibility that a sweet, sensitive kid will be bummed out that you don’t want to be touched. Just do what you can with your words to tell all these toddlers how much you love them, how smart, creative, and fun they are. Pour love into them with your words, and you’ll be reassuring them while also modeling the many different ways to be caring in this world.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My paternal grandmother has always referred to me as her favorite grandchild. My father is an only child, so there is just me and my two younger siblings. Admittedly, we do have a closer relationship than she has with my siblings, so I can’t dispute the fact, but I take issue with her saying it frequently—often in front of my siblings, family members, and her friends.
She has repeatedly done this since I was young. Her blatant favoritism makes my parents uncomfortable. She even buys me more presents than my siblings around the holidays. My siblings get sad about it, too (although they seem to have gotten used to it over the years), which makes me uncomfortable and sad in return.
My grandmother has some boundary issues, so even though I have asked her to stop in the past, she doesn’t. She instead gets upset with me because I am “denying her the joy of showing off her favorite grandchild.” Do you have any advice on how to get her to lighten up on the favoritism without ruining our relationship?
— Grandma’s Unwilling Favorite
Dear GUF,
She can show you off all she wants; she doesn’t have to use this kind of terminology to do so. Stress to her that this language is unwelcome and actually creates more of a rift between you and her. If she can’t quit cold turkey, she should at least be willing (and able) to cut it out around your siblings and parents. Changing her behavior around her bridge club or whoever can come later.
If she will not stop, then remove yourself, plain and simple. As sex and relationship advice columnist Dan Savage has put it, your best leverage over your family is your presence. If she cannot respect you enough to abide by your wishes, which are reasonable and come from a place of kindness and generosity, then she hasn’t earned time with you. Immediately hang up, cut visits short—whatever you have to do to drive this home. Hopefully after a few tough love occurrences, she’ll get the memo.
—Allison
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