Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter “Jenna” is 10 and has been close with the same group of four other girls since kindergarten. All five families live in roughly a 10-minute radius, and the girls love playing with each other outside after school, spending time together on the weekends, and even joining the same sports teams.
The problem is (of course) with the adults. One of the girls has a mom, “Barbara,” who is extremely concerned about protecting her daughter from any sort of conflict or negativity in the friend group. Whenever the girls get into a tiff—I mean the normal wear and tear of friendships, nothing like harassment/exclusion/bullying/etc.—Barbara always assumes her daughter has done nothing wrong and sends group texts not only asking us to talk to our kids about being nicer but also calling out specific kids for perceived transgressions. It’s truly exhausting. All the other parents in the group share my disdain for this behavior. We think it’s important that our kids learn from conflict, and as long as it’s within the realm of normal 10-year-old-conflict, we’d strongly prefer not to get involved.
Our normal mode has just been to ignore Barbara’s texts or give a “thumbs up” emoji and not actually take action. She’s been escalating, though, because it’s clear to her that nothing about this dynamic is really changing. Two questions:
1. How involved should we be in our kids’ conflicts? Is Barbara approaching this the way we all should be?
2. Is there a way to get Barbara to stop this behavior without hurting the kids’ friendships?
— Stuck in Seattle
Dear Stuck in Seattle:
While I understand Barbara’s impulse to protect her daughter from pain, healthy conflict is a part of life, and our job as parents is not to protect our children from it, but to help them learn the important life skill of navigating it.
Instead of jumping in to solve the problem, you can support kids by validating their feelings and helping them learn how to process them, as well as by teaching and modeling healthy communication.
Speaking of the latter, sounds like everyone has been avoiding healthy conflict by ignoring or placating Barbara instead of saying something to her. I can understand not wanting to get into it with someone you don’t know well, and wanting to protect your kids, but the situation is likely to continue to escalate without some direct communication. Don’t tell Barbara what to do with her kid, just explain to her clearly why you won’t be getting involved. You might say something like, “I prefer to let Jenna resolve minor issues on her own so she learns how to handle conflict. It also builds her self-esteem when she sees how capable she is.” You might tell her that you will continue emphasizing to Jenna the importance of empathy or teaching her effective communication strategies in general. And of course, if the situation is truly urgent or goes beyond the level of normal 10-year-old drama, you will intervene. Keep repeating variations on the theme as long as the behavior continues. Your kids are incredibly lucky to have such close long-term friendships, especially because they are able to learn from each other how to solve problems and build healthy coping skills.
New Year, Same Problems
For an upcoming special edition of Care and Feeding, we want to hear about the messy situations plaguing you that you’d like to shed in the new year. A pet fox corrupting daughter? A 10-year-old behind the wheel? Harsh PTA crackdowns? Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
We visited with family over the holidays and my sister often playfully called my 1-year-old niece (her daughter) chubby. I don’t love that she constantly comments about her daughter’s weight, even at 1-year-old, and even if it’s intended as a joke. But it’s not my place (and my sister and I don’t always get along anyway), so I didn’t say anything at the time. However, last night my own 3-year-old daughter started joking with her dad about him being chubby. I honestly don’t think she even knows what it means—she was just repeating what she thought was a playful joke.
We told her it’s not nice to call someone chubby and she immediately got very upset and cried for a while. We completely let it go at that moment and calmed her down. Later when she was happier, I talked to her about it and said we weren’t upset or mad, but we just don’t use that word in our family.
Was this the right way to handle this? I really don’t like that she picked it up, but I also know it was completely harmless in her mind. I’m a little worried that the lesson ended up being chubby = bad, which I obviously don’t want. How do you balance body positivity while also explaining that it’s not nice to call someone chubby (particularly to a 3-year-old who might not be ready for the nuances yet)?
— Thoughtful Toddler Tantrums
Dear Thoughtful Toddler Tantrums,
I did my best to instill body-positive values in my now 11-year-old from an early age, and I remember the difficulty of explaining these incredibly nuanced issues in a way a very young child can understand. You want your kid to know there’s nothing wrong with being fat, but at the same time you don’t want them loudly informing the stranger at the grocery store that she is.
I have told my son that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that no body is bad. But while there’s nothing wrong with being fat, the negative meaning our society has attached to the word can make it hurtful to say to someone. If that’s too much for a 3-year-old to understand, I’d revert back to this magic rule that’s as simple as it is clear: “We don’t comment on other people’s bodies.” It’s a lesson I wish more adults had learned.
Keep in mind, however, that your daughter isn’t only getting messages about food and bodies from you, she’s getting them from every adult in her life. (As well as from the media and advertisers and that fat-shamer Peppa Pig every time she makes fun of Daddy Pig’s “big belly.” Some research shows that children begin experiencing body image issues as early as age 3, so while you can’t control every aspect of our thin-at-all-costs culture, you can ask that people like your sister respect your boundaries about what’s appropriate to say around your child. This incident makes it painfully clear that she is listening and taking it all in.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I graduated from college in 2020. I’ve been living at home since school went online in March of 2020. My household currently consists of me, my dad, stepmother, 11-year-old stepbrother “Edward”, and 6-year-old twin half-sisters. Edward lives with us, his biological father is not in the picture.
I love all three of my siblings. Edward is a really shy kid. He has a best friend “James” and they do absolutely everything together. James is on the larger side and my dad and stepmom cannot stop making “jokes” about his weight when he isn’t around. When we were debating about trying a new pizza place, they made jokes about how James has probably eaten there 5 or 6 times. If they’re planning on James eating dinner with us, they joke about how much extra food they have to make. If James is planning on coming over, they joke that they have to watch out because he might break the sofa by sitting on it. These jokes don’t even make sense—James eats about as much as Edward does and my skinny 6-year-old sister has broken a chair before by jumping on it.
The good thing is that my siblings are uncomfortable with their parents’ behavior. Edward isn’t comfortable standing up to our parents, but he says that the way our parents talk about James makes him uncomfortable. My sisters have told me that they are confused—they were worried how other kids would react when they started wearing glasses and their mother told them that anyone who makes fun of them for the way they look is rude and not someone they should take seriously.
I don’t really feel comfortable addressing this issue with my dad and stepmother directly. I fear it could cause tension in our household. Both of them, especially my dad, are the sort of people who believe that if you preface it by saying “it’s a joke” you can say anything you want and no one should be offended by it. I value my relationship with my siblings and want to support them in any way I can. Do you have any advice on how I can be supportive of my siblings and James?
— Being A Good Big Sister
Dear Being A Good Big Sister,
JUSTICE FOR JAMES! It’s beyond me why any adult would think it’s OK to fat-shame a child, but I’ve heard many similarly heartbreaking stories from adults whose parents made similar “jokes,” taunted them, or gave them cruel nicknames, all because they thought it was funny. Hopefully James never becomes aware of the things your parents are saying, but they are still sending a harmful message to your siblings about both how they should feel about their bodies and how they should treat other people.
It’s a tricky situation to navigate due to the power dynamics involved. I understand why you might feel reluctant to confront your parents about this issue, since you don’t have much authority to set boundaries on the matter of how they parent their other children. Are there any other sympathetic adults in the family who might be willing to approach them on a more even playing field? If not, maybe you can think of less confrontational ways to speak up in the moment, especially if your siblings are watching, such as: “I think James is great just the way he is,” “I think all bodies are equally good,” or “I prefer not to comment on other people’s bodies.” A simple “I don’t think that’s funny” also gets the point across.
Either way, you can model body-positive values directly to your siblings by letting them know that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and everyone is deserving of respect and kindness. Luckily, it sounds like they’re caring kids who know instinctively that what their parents are doing is wrong, so having a caring adult to provide an alternate point of view may make a big difference.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am 66 years old and three years away from retirement. I have three grown children, ages 34, 32, and 27. My youngest moved back home during COVID because the company he worked for went out of business. He has successfully found a career and will be moving out on his own this spring.
My 34-year-old daughter has asked to move back home to give herself time for a “reset.” She is in the Army National Guard working on the border in Texas which is very stressful. She is also suffering from depression, so the work stress is causing her extreme issues.
I am OK with her moving back home but am concerned that she will never find a way to get her life back together. Her depression results in avoiding decisions and tasks that then add to more depression. At one point she was relying on alcohol to get her through the day. Fortunately she went into rehab and seems to have it under control. But she is an alcoholic and still drinks which is a huge red flag for me.
I don’t want to deny her the help she needs but also don’t want to become her enabler. What should I establish as terms for moving home, or should I not allow her to return at all?
— Help For a Troubled Child
Dear Help For a Troubled Child,
This is such a difficult balance to navigate. As parents, we would do almost anything to help our children and we can’t stand to see them struggling or in pain. But particularly where addiction issues are involved, too much helping can keep them from experiencing the consequences they need to reach a place where they are able to get better.
As a person in recovery, a major alarm bell went off for me when you said she is an alcoholic who at one point required inpatient treatment for the issue, and she is currently drinking. Most addiction treatment modalities would say that an alcoholic drinker is not able to control or moderate their alcohol use, and will never be able to safely return to drinking. As they say, “You can’t turn a pickle back into a cucumber.“
But even if you believe moderation or controlled drinking is eventually possible, the fact that your daughter is still suffering from depression and having difficulty managing her responsibilities makes me doubt she’s found her way to a healthy relationship with alcohol. Additionally, alcohol is a depressant, and many antidepressant medications are not effective when drinking, so its use is likely exacerbating her mental health problems.
Another inpatient stay where she’ll be treated by professionals might be most effective in getting your daughter the help she needs. If you decide to let her move back home in lieu of or after treatment, I’d suggest a bottom-line requirement of “no drinking,” as well as participation in substance abuse and mental health treatment. For further help with setting and enforcing boundaries, as well as your own mental health support, I recommend you see a therapist and also attend Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is full of people with lots of experience navigating just what you’re dealing with and can help you cope with the challenges of loving someone with a drinking problem.
—Emily
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