This column is part of Advice Week, Slate’s celebration of all things advice.
Sometimes, all you need is a different perspective. So this week, our columnists have swapped fields of expertise. In this edition, Jamilah Lemieux, a Care and Feeding columnist, handles your sex questions.
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend SAYS he wants to watch me with other guys. The problem is that he is incredibly jealous, to the point of accusing me of cheating for liking my ex’s post on Facebook (to be fair, I hadn’t been clear with my boyfriend about the nature of our relationship, but it was also a guy I dated over 15 years ago and he was checking on me during a hurricane). That being said, I have a hard time believing that he would actually want to see me with someone else.
Also, I’m not really into being with anyone else, and I’ve told him that. He stopped asking for awhile, but now he’s started talking about it again, but not in a sexy way:
Him: “Would you like it if I walked in on you playing with him?”
Me: “No, because that would be cheating.”
Him: “But what if I let you?”
Me: “No, because I’m not into anyone like that.”
And on and on and on…
I’m really afraid to play along with him though because he tends to take things I say in the heat of the moment as gospel. For example, I worry that I’ll say “Oh yeah, that would be hot” and he’ll show up with some guy in a few months like “So here we are.” It’s taking away a lot of the fun in the bedroom, but he also has started having performance issues and doesn’t always finish unless he’s talking to me about other guys as described above. I really don’t know where to go with this.
—No Threesome Please
Dear No Threesome,
I am not optimistic about the future of this relationship. Your boyfriend is fixated on seeing you with other people, but you aren’t interested in doing that. It has gotten to the point where he cannot climax unless he is talking about you being with other men which, again, isn’t something that you want to do. I don’t see how the two of you can make things work going forward if he isn’t able to let go of this fixation. You say that the “trouble” is his jealousy and that you don’t think he could actually handle seeing you with someone else. I think the biggest trouble is that he deeply desires something that you have no interest in doing—and that he is unable to enjoy sex without engaging with this desire.
However, I do think the jealousy is a red flag; he accused you of cheating for liking a Facebook post! I am curious about how he treats you otherwise. It’s hard to imagine him being loving, supportive, and fair when he’s 1) unreasonably jealous and 2) obsessed with you performing sex acts with other people in spite of the fact that you don’t want to perform sex acts with other people. Threesomes can be a happy, healthy part of a couple’s sex life, but that can only happen when both partners are interested and willing; even then, there is a lot required, in terms of trust and a commitment to mutual pleasure and respect. You don’t have the conditions for a relationship that involves other people namely because, again, you don’t want to.
I think you should let your partner know, firmly, that you are uninterested in sleeping with other men, and that if you are to continue seeing him, he is going to have to stop pressuring you to change his mind. You also have to decide what your boundaries are with regard to him talking about watching you with other men during sex. If this doesn’t turn you on, you shouldn’t have to suffer through it just to please him. You deserve a partner who is committed to a mutually pleasurable sex life in which both your needs are met and your limits are respected. It just may be the case that you and this guy are unable to be that for one another. Do not allow your boyfriend’s fantasies to force you into suffering. If his requests and dirty talk are bothering you, let him know. If this guy is the one for you, he’ll make peace with not getting to see you with other men; if he can’t do that, then he doesn’t deserve a place in your life, especially not in your bedroom.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have been together for 13 years. He is a successful, attractive, kind, and caring man. When we were younger we used to have a very active and vigorous sex life but three young children later, we have much less time and energy to do the deed. My issue is that my husband and previous partners ALWAYS finish first and then the sex is just…over. There is nothing left in the engine for me! I am tired of having to finish myself off! I am attractive and have been told I am a great lover. I love “giving” during sex but I am at the point in life where I want it to be about me. We have sex so infrequently now that it’s over just as quickly as it started. My husband just ends up apologizing to me and has no interest in continuing the play for my pleasure (this part is not new). I am never the first one to orgasm because I need it hard and rough to get off, which seems to end things for him first. We have talked about it but it’s like my entire life, no man has cared enough to get me off. I know my husband loves me but this makes me feel like a blow-up doll. Am I alone in this?
—Blow Up Betty
Dear Blow Up,
You are far from being alone in feeling as you do. In patriarchal cultures, men are trained to believe that their needs and desires simply outweigh those of the women around them, and many men have gone their whole lives without considering the importance of pleasing their partners in return. You deserve to be pleasured and it’s critical that you communicate this to your husband in an urgent way. You’ve talked to him about it before but there haven’t been any stakes; he’s still been able to get the type of sex he desires from you without reciprocation. You have to put an end to that.
It’s time to let him know just how important a more mutually pleasurable sex life is for you, and that you are no longer willing to please him without receiving anything in return. Talk to him about what you need and try to make time to explore new ways of making love. Perhaps your sessions should start with him performing oral sex on you or bringing you to climax with a toy. You’ve gotten in the habit of finishing yourself off, which means you know what you like. Show him how you want to be touched and guide him through the process of making you feel good. Be clear that your sex life has to change, that this is a non-negotiable.
I would also strongly urge you to talk to a professional about your feelings. This issue dates back to before your marriage and has led you to question things about yourself. You need to understand that there isn’t anything wrong with you, and that the selfishness of your current and previous partners is not a reflection of who you are as a person. I think both you and your husband would benefit from talking to a therapist or counselor about the challenges in your sex life and what needs to change in order for you to be satisfied. As you’ve already communicated to him about your frustrations with no success, it’s possible that a third party can help him truly grasp the severity of the situation and help you both come up with ways to move forward together.
Dear How to Do It,
I am a mid-30s bisexual woman in a monogamous marriage to a straight man, 40. We have been together for 10 years and, to my knowledge, never had sex with other partners during this time. My husband is wonderful and we have an extremely active and satisfying sex life. He has allowed me “play” with a female friend on occasion (to borrow from school-age lingo, think “heavy petting”) and we both permit the other to flirt, within reason (no nudes/sexting, no feelings). My problem is this: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I very much enjoy attention from other people, especially other men.
It improves my self-confidence and makes me hornier for my husband. I have talked to my husband about this and he doesn’t mind as long as I adhere to our boundaries. Who does mind? The other men! Basically what I’ve discovered is that these dudes feel led on, or like there’s nothing in it for them, which I get. I’ve never hidden that I’m married nor have I presented the marriage as open, but these guys don’t seem to believe that my husband allows me to flirt and don’t feel like wasting energy if they’re not getting anything else from the interactions. My husband and I are open to swinging as a potential solution but I have a public-facing job in a conservative area and there would be substantial fallout if I were rumored to be skanking around town, so any sort of online presence or club setting is out. Is there any way for me to get this itch scratched without upsetting anyone/everyone?
—A Tease Apparently
Dear Tease,
I think you should consider interacting with men anonymously online. I understand that your work requires you to be discreet, but you may find pleasure in connecting with men via fetish websites without having to reveal your identity. You can trade sexy, faceless pictures (hide any identifying marks or tattoos, of course) and flirt until your heart is content from the safety of your home. As your marriage isn’t actually open, this may be a good way of satisfying your need for outside attention without compromising your commitment to your husband. Perhaps swinging would be mutually enjoyable to you both, but the two of you need to be absolutely sure that your relationship can handle it, and that you could do such a thing without compromising your job.
If flirting with men in public is the only thing that will truly turn you on, consider leaving your immediate area and hanging out at a bar on the outskirts of town or a few towns over. Take a solo road trip to a nearby city and chat up some complete strangers; they may be disappointed not to get any at the end of the night, but they’ll live. (Make sure someone is aware of your whereabouts, though, and that you’re being safe.) Hotel bars are a great place to meet men who are lonely and just want someone to talk to; find one that’s far enough from home that you won’t have to worry about someone recognizing you.
But ultimately, you may not be able to scratch this itch in the way you want it scratched. There’s only so far you can without suggesting that you’re available in ways that you simply aren’t. You have a loving husband and a happy sex life. Don’t allow your hunger for more to let you lose sight of that. Flirt it up on the web, or somewhere downstate, as you can, but focus on finding happiness in your marriage, too.
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Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend and I have been happily dating for a year with no issues. We have had amazing dates, vacations, and communications skills when we get into small arguments. At the beginning of our relationship, he mentioned in passing that he “watched porn every day” for years. I took that as he had an addiction. Throughout our relationship, although we have had a lot of great sex, there are a lot of moments where he has erectile dysfunction. He tells me he’s “in his head” and it’s “anxiety,” but I had an intuition it was something deeper.
After two weeks in a row of him not being able to keep an erection during sex, I asked him if he was hiding a porn addiction that I believed is leading to his ED. I also asked him if I could look through his computer and phone because he is so secretive about both. He started getting sweaty and with a few clicks, I found hundreds of screenshots of different cam girls. I felt so betrayed and confused. Cam girl porn seems way more intimate to me than most kinds and I feel like he can’t perform during sex because he would rather be death-gripping himself to a hundred different cam girls. He admitted this is something he’s done our whole relationship and that the screenshots were from only one night about two weeks ago. I don’t know where to go from here or what to think as I feel the worst thing about all of this is that he lied to me on multiple occasions about still having an addiction and not saving porn to his devices. Please give me any advice you can.
—Uncovered Hard Truth
Dear Hard Truth,
Your boyfriend’s issues are his own, not yours, and would be present with anyone he attempted to date at this point in his life. It seems like he couldn’t keep his promises to you, which has led him to be dishonest. He is going to have to address his relationship with sex and porn for himself—you can’t do that for him, and you can’t force him to do so. You might need to accept that you both are mismatched in your feelings toward watching porn and have different opinions on how frequently you’d both like to engage with it. If you are willing to find some middle ground between the two of you, let him know that. He would likely benefit from a sex-positive therapist—you can point him to a useful directory here.
Encourage him to talk to a professional and offer to join him. This column has explored what tends to be underneath what people might commonly label as “porn addiction,” (a term many sex educators, therapists, and counselors actually push back on) which can be a starting point to get you thinking about where his actions might be coming from. Also, consider identifying a friend or family member that you can confide in about this; it’s taking a toll on you and you shouldn’t have to carry such a burden alone. You need support, too. Remember that his porn habits likely have nothing to do with you and aren’t a reflection of how he feels about your relationship.
I’m not a huge fan of ultimatums, but you may consider letting your boyfriend know that this isn’t OK with you and if he does not want to come to a middle ground with you about what regular porn use should look like, that you won’t be around in the future. His porn habits have already had a negative impact on your relationship. He has to be committed to changing things, and you have every right to demand that of him. If he can’t, be prepared to walk away.
—Jamilah
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