Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Shannon Palus, a Slate senior editor, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My husband, who is a great partner and father overall, has a terrible trait I’m looking for some advice on. He doesn’t remember half the things I tell him! I’m not talking about not remembering mundane details from a story I told him four years ago, I mean kid has a doctor’s appointment this Thursday that you agreed to take him to because you could work from home that day. (Oops, he forgot and didn’t request to work from home, so now can’t and also has a very important meeting he scheduled at that same time so he also can’t take the time off. I’ll have to do it instead and have less flexible PTO policies.)
I make sure to tell him important things when he isn’t busy with something else, and when I tell him something he listens, engages with me, and asks questions/acknowledges, so it’s not that he doesn’t hear me, but a day later… poof! Gone from his head! After this happened a few times with appointments when we were planning our wedding (and he got upset with me because I clearly hadn’t told him about them and I got upset with him because he clearly wasn’t listening and/or didn’t care), a few years ago we started a physical calendar on the kitchen wall and agreed nothing would be added to it until we were telling the other person about it. And then we could each use it as much as needed to check commitments. It worked for about a month then just seemed to become another thing to forget about.
We also now have two kids, which means about a million more scheduled commitments a month. I think the part that bugs me most is that I have an extremely good memory. So when he tells me that I never mentioned something to him, I can recall the exact details about the conversation when I did (where we were, what shirt he was wearing, the snack he was eating, the specific questions he asked after, etc.). I feel like I’ve done everything I can on my side to make things easier to remember/check and he seems uninterested in doing anything more on his side (probably because I’m always the one that has to “fix” it when he forgets, but if I didn’t kids wouldn’t be going to doctor’s appointments, and that can’t just be skipped to prove a point to him). Any suggestions or is this just another part of carrying the mental load of a family?
—Heard But Forgotten
Dear Heard But Forgotten,
Why are you the person assigning all of the tasks in your relationship? This man is your partner, not your employee. Split up the responsibilities a little further upstream: You’re in charge of school stuff, and he’s in charge of doctor’s appointments and extracurriculars. (Or however you see fit.) He can ask you for help with soccer carpool or an emergency sick day, but if you’ve got something going on—or don’t want to spend a PTO day—you can punt it back to him to figure it out, just as you have had to figure things out when he can’t take them on.
I’m also curious as to how much of your frustration you’ve expressed to him. Does it make you angry when he forgets things? Have you told him that it makes you angry and you are at a bit of a loss on how to fix this? You say he is a great partner and a great father overall; if you don’t know what to do, it might help to flag for him that this is truly an issue for you. Bring him in on the problem-solving here. He may never be great at remembering commitments. But if you can strategize on how to share a little more of the burden of parenting/living in your relationship maybe it can be a little bit more of an endearing trait than something that drives you up a wall.
One more thought: Your kid will not die if they miss a routine doctor’s appointment. (It will be a pain, sure—and one you can let your husband solve!) I’d try rejiggering the relationship slightly, expressing your feelings, and then… letting a few things fall through the cracks. Forgetful people might be annoying, but they understand something important about the world: It’s actually OK if not everything gets done perfectly all the time.
New Year, Same Problems
For an upcoming special edition of Dear Prudence, we want to hear about the messy situations plaguing you that you’d like to shed in the new year. A mother-in-law who is slowly poisoning you? An underground diaper operation that’s driving you mad? A poorly named horse? Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Prudence,
I am the oldest of my siblings and the only one not married with kids. Every holiday is celebrated at my parents’ where I am relegated to the uncomfortable pull-out couch in the den right at the bottom of the stairs. There is no privacy. And no peace. I literally get woken up every time someone gets up to go to the bathroom or stays up to watch a movie or decides to go out late. I do love my family. I want to visit but by the end of the visit, I am exhausted, grumpy, and just want to go home to sleep.
The argument is always that my married brother and sister deserve the actual bedrooms more. I bought that when they had actual babies, but now their kids are old enough to pile on together in the last room. There are four functional bedrooms upstairs. I think I deserve one. How do I make this argument to my family without pulling out the big guns and threatening to boycott altogether? I am the one that has to travel the farthest and I already pay an arm and a leg in airfare. I am not adding in the costs of a hotel because my siblings can’t take a turn on the couch. I have complained about this before and have been dismissed.
—Sleepless
Dear Sleepless,
Boycott! Boycott! This is not fair treatment. Married people get so much favoritism in this world, it makes me angry for you that you’ve been confined to the couch. Visiting family is stressful enough without getting woken up multiple times a night.
Really, what I think you should do isn’t so much a boycott as a compromise, with all the terms orchestrated by you. I’d lay it out like this (maybe around Halloween, far in advance of the holidays you’re traveling for): You are not getting enough sleep in the current annual setup, and you’ve done more than your share of rotations on the pull-out couch. Celebrating the holidays as a family is very important to you, so you’re coming this year, and staying in a hotel—but you’ll be skipping next year, because of those added costs. Or, if you can’t bear the costs upfront, skip first, bank the airfare, and then go the next year and get a hotel—and a massage at a local spa while you’re at it.
It may feel like a drastic move, but think of it this way: You want to be your best self around your loved ones and form genuinely happy memories. Rearranging the terms of your visits could make that happen.
Dear Prudence,
I’m a college student who has a hard time socially. I was already shy before, but I feel like my social skills completely evaporated over the pandemic. I’m awful at small talk, and interacting with friendly acquaintances in school clubs and classes takes a lot of effort. My boyfriend and my 32-year-old half-brother Jack are my only real support structures right now. I regularly visit Jack on the weekends (he lives 30 minutes away), and I end up splitting school breaks between living with Jack and my parents.
Jack is getting married next year. His fiancée Emily and I get along well and I’m really excited to be a bridesmaid. The wedding was originally paid for by Emily’s mother Mary, who was described to me as being unpleasant but wealthy enough that we just have to put up with it. I’ve met Mary twice. The first time I met her, she called me a little kid (I may look 14, but I am an adult), implied that as a ginger I’m too ugly to date my boyfriend, and demanded I be removed from the wedding party because I’m 5 inches shorter than the other bridesmaids and skinnier than Emily’s sister who would be offended. Emily talked to her and I was able to remain in the wedding party, but I was on thin ice.
The second time I met her she demanded that I not wear glasses at the wedding. I have terrible eyesight and hate contacts. When I go out, which is quite rare, I usually use contacts to put on makeup and then switch back to glasses. I said I was willing to wear contacts at the wedding, but Jack and Emily said Mary was being unreasonable and she no longer needed to finance the wedding. They’re having a smaller wedding funded by themselves and my parents, but they have almost complete control over it. I feel bad for making Emily’s relationship with her mom worse. It’s not clear if Mary will be at the wedding as a guest, she was hurt that they decided to pay for it without her. I’m not sure I would feel comfortable being at the wedding with Mary. I’ve been told she’s the sort of person who holds a grudge and will probably be even worse to me the next time we meet. I want to tell them that I would prefer it if there could be arrangements so that I wouldn’t have to interact with Mary at the wedding at all, but I don’t want to make Emily’s relationship with her mom even worse than I already have. Any suggestions?
—Wedding Planning
Dear Wedding Planning,
The thing you’re missing here is that you don’t have to be polite to Mary, a person who is not being polite to you. If she tries to talk to you at the wedding, you don’t have to talk to her. Look her dead in the eyes, and turn around and walk in the other direction! Or, maybe just say “I’m sorry, I spotted my friend” and then duck away.
Mary sounds awful. But I also bet that she is not thinking about you that much. Also, you are simply not responsible for Emily’s relationship with her mom. You’re never responsible for other people’s relationships (although in this case, it also sounds like Emily is perfectly aware that her mom can be a jerk).
I wonder if part of the reason social interactions take a lot of effort is because you’re doing these little calculations in your head about who you’re going to piss off just by being you? If that seems right, it might be worth chatting about this with a therapist. Mary might not be a fixture of your life, but, unfortunately, unreasonable people abound. I worry that you’re going to keep believing what they tell you about yourself.
Dear Prudence,
For whatever reason, I have perpetual dark circles under my eyes. At various points (getting treatment for migraines, finishing grad school, etc.) I thought these circles might fade, but it seems they’re here to stay. I don’t care, but people routinely tell me I look tired or ask if I’m feeling well. I need a response to their well-meant comments; when I’ve jokingly replied “That’s just how I look,” people get embarrassed!
—Not Tired, Just My Face
Dear Not Tired, Just My Face,
There is nothing wrong with your response. You’re not even making a joke really, you’re just dispensing a fact in a straightforward manner. They should be embarrassed!
If you really can’t stand this kind of reaction, though, try saying “Oh I’m fine, how are you?” instead. That will let them know that you’re not open to discussing it, while gently nudging the conversation into small talk.
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