Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Shannon Palus, a Slate senior editor, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend thinks I’m trying to undermine her. How do I prove to her I’m not? My girlfriend “Katie” (33F) and I (30M) have been dating for three months, and so far it had been going very well. I even thought we could become very serious. However, something has changed, and I’m worried that she’s getting cold feet.
This all started a few days ago, when my parents dropped by my place to chat. Katie was in the kitchen, making the two of us dinner. My parents and Katie have met a couple of times before, and they seem to get along. Additionally, Katie’s normally very calm and easygoing. However, when my mom walked into the kitchen to help out, Katie seemed to become irritated. She said that she “prefers to cook alone,” and when my mom grabbed a knife and some carrots and started to chop them up for her, Katie asked her not to cut them because they have to be cut “a certain way.” Katie told my mom that she didn’t want help and demanded that she go back into the living room area.
I’d never seen Katie this upset, and I wasn’t happy with how she treated my mom. When my mom left the kitchen, I hugged her and said, “Sorry about that.” I asked Katie what was going on and she said nothing, but at the time, I was alarmed and suspicious. Later that evening, I had to get some groceries, and while I was at the supermarket, I decided to pick up some Midol as a nice gesture. I didn’t know if Katie was on her period, but knowing that she isn’t normally this irritable, it seemed possible to me and if she was, she might appreciate the gift. When I got back, Katie was watching the World Cup, and I silently placed the Midol on top of her bag. Katie gave me a weird look and asked why I had bought her Midol, and I said it was because of how she had acted with my mother earlier.
Katie did not like this explanation. She said she was annoyed because she didn’t want someone interfering with her cooking, not because she was on her period. She said it made her think that I don’t take her feelings seriously and am trying to “undermine the legitimacy of her emotions.” I explained that this wasn’t true, but I don’t know if she believed me. I think the damage might have been done. How can I salvage the relationship and win back Katie’s trust?
—Midol Mishap
Dear Midol Mishap,
You need to apologize. Giving someone medication in response to their behavior is actually pretty rude, even if their behavior wasn’t great. You were undermining her emotions by giving her the Midol, even if that isn’t what you meant to do.
I am not certain that you can salvage this three months in—if this is your first fight, it’s a big one. But owning up to your mistake is your best bet. And next time someone does or says something you don’t like, try telling them how it makes you feel instead of reaching for a bottle of pills. I am going to take your portrayal of Katie’s actions at face value to make the following point: Women, like all humans, can just be jerks sometimes. It is not really connected to the status of our menstrual cycles.
Dear Prudence,
My partner and I are just getting over the flu. Since we could barely breathe and had no interest in leaving the sofa at all, we stopped smoking. Win, right? Temporary. We would like to quit permanently but have different methods of quitting. He’s a slowly-cutting-back guy, while I need to go cold turkey. (I’ve done it with illegal substances before; I know myself.) I’m sure this is technically possible. He got sick several days earlier than I, so he felt better before I did. And started having a couple of cigarettes a day. This was fine until I got my sense of smell back.
Any tips on how my grumpy-from-withdrawal-and-still-irritable-from-feeling-icky self can white-knuckle through this without losing my shit at him? We don’t have a guest room for me to hole up in (we don’t want guests, so we have home offices instead), and making him sleep in the yard probably sounds reasonable only to me.
—Bad Habits Die Hard
Dear Bad Habits Die Hard,
Roll up an index card and pretend it’s a cigarette. I know this sounds silly, but in my experience it does help. When you want a cigarette, what do you really want? A moment of calm, a deep breath, a familiar shape in your hand, to go outside, to stop working. The fake cigarette offers all these things.
OK, yes: You are also craving nicotine, and the withdrawal you’re experiencing is real. There’s a big difference between consigning your partner to the yard 24/7 and letting them blow smoke in your face without making a peep. It doesn’t sound as if your partner is blowing smoke in your face, but are there additional boundaries you can draw around his smoking that you both could live with? Maybe he smokes only outside or washes his hands and changes his clothes afterward.
I also think it’s totally reasonable to express how difficult it is for you to be around the smell. Better to talk it out than bottle it up until you get really angry! Plus, knowing how his smoking is affecting you could further motivate him to quit.
One more thing: Quitting only gets easier. It might feel as if you’ll be grumpy forever. You won’t.
How to Get Advice From Prudie
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) Join the live chat every Monday at noon (and submit your comments) here.
Dear Prudence,
I have a friend who always flakes. We’ve been friends for over a decade, but I’ve noticed this behavior only in the past couple of years. A while back, when she was really depressed, I took her out every weekend for coffee. But once the pandemic hit (and she got married) and I lost my job and became depressed, she disappeared. We’d make plans and then, the day before or the day of, she’d flake. She’s not a bad person. I love her very much. But her flakiness is infuriating.
Last week, we made plans to meet. And then, midday, she texted me saying she was tired from a slew of Christmas parties and could we reschedule? She’s the only person in my life who behaves like this. Seems silly to be upset. I’m not the priority—OK, fine. But there is something about this behavior that grates on me. Should I just accept that this is who she is? Or should I passive-aggressively cut her out? (I’m kidding, but not really.) How do I handle this? And yes, about a year ago I asked her to let me know if she needs to cancel, and many flakes and late arrivals later, nothing has changed.
—Fair-Weather Friend
Dear Fair-Weather Friend,
Yes, you should accept that this is who she is (at least at this point in her life). But that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it making you feel bad. Make plans with her only when you’d be OK with her being tardy or not showing up at all. Suggest she come to a movie you were planning on seeing anyway, or that she tag along to a group dinner with other friends.
And remember that “Can we reschedule?” is a question you don’t have to answer with “yes.” It’s perfectly acceptable—and it will not ruin a healthy friendship—to say, “I’d really love to see you soon, but I don’t have another evening available for a while. If tonight really doesn’t work, let’s try again in March.” You can say this even if you’re “booked up” only with sitting in your bathtub and waiting for other exciting plans to come along.
I think this could help you feel as if you have more control over things, without resorting to ending the friendship. Honestly, your friend sounds a little self-centered. You have my permission to be a little selfish too.
Classic Prudie
A friend of mine from college, “Chris,” whom I’ve known for 13 years, is getting married this summer several hundred miles away. Since I met my long-term partner six years ago, he and Chris have met several times for daylong events, enjoyed one another’s company, and exchanged birthday wishes, congratulations, etc., online—all of which is to say that my partner is certainly not a stranger. Which is why I was shocked to receive a wedding invite addressed to me only…
