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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My friend and I talk about sex as men usually do. Lately, he’s been telling me details…
He’s told me stories of how he and his wife have sex and what she likes and doesn’t. He also sent me a couple of links to porn videos of girls that look similar to his wife, doing the same sex act he described with his wife. What do I make of this? I would love to be with her or at least see her nude photos. Should I bring it up? And how?
Stoya: I really wish we had more detail.
Rich: Yes, me too.
Stoya: About what these sex acts are.
Stoya: Because if those sex acts are like doggy and oral, that’s not anything in particular. But if it’s some very precise, like—
Rich: You’re right.
Rich: So given what we do know, which I agree, is scant and leaves much to be desired, I’m not seeing any evidence here to suggest that the friend is doing any kind of inviting. It just sounds like he’s bragging to me.
Rich: And look, I’ve been in a similar situation. Granted, it’s much easier as a gay man, especially if I’ve already had sex with a guy and now he has a hot boyfriend, to be like, “Your boyfriend is hot. I want to have sex with him.” That’s a lot easier to do, I think, than in a situation like this, but you can certainly push things along with suggestions by seeming extremely interested here. Right? “I’m so jealous,” “I bet that’s so good,” “She’s so hot,” “Oh, I wish.”
Doing that can leave the door open for the friend to be like, “Oh, well you should join us sometime.” And if he doesn’t say that, then you’re not invited. You can’t invite yourself to this party.
Stoya: And I can’t put my finger on exactly why, but I am questioning whether the wife is interested in having sex with her husband’s friends, or having her husband show nude photos of her.
Stoya: So do keep her consent in mind and along those lines, if the writer has met the friend’s wife, they can think about, was the wife maybe flirty?
Stoya: How warm was the wife? And what kind of warmth was that? Which could give them more information as well.
Rich: Given the details that we do have, I have a feeling that less is going to be more. You’re going to want to push things, just nudge things forward as much as you can using the openings that you’re given. It’s not a door that you can bust through. Too much risk. You risk offending your friend, offending the friend’s wife, and just to completely underline it, the whole nude photos thing, that’s not even something that you should ask for.
Even if the friend were to send photos, you have to think twice: Is she cool with this? How much of her consent is present? That’s really dicey territory. But just like we need more information, the letter writer needs more information in order to know whether this is a thing that’s actually happening or not.
More Advice From Slate
A few months ago, I started a more stable relationship with a man, “Boris,” who was understanding of my past and supportive. Respecting that Boris seemed disinclined toward my (safe) drug and alcohol use, I stopped that behavior. However, secretly, I’ve continued to long for my past alcohol and drug use because of the sexual liberation it gave me. And secretly, I have started indulging one of my fantasies.