Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I were married seven years before he unexpectedly died. He was from overseas and told me he didn’t have much in the way of family since his parents died. He lied.
Months after the funeral, I finally mustered up enough courage to go through his old boxes. In a box of books, I found photos, letters, and documents. My husband had been married and then divorced in his home country. Worse, there were pictures of him with his five children. The man that I loved, that was trying to build a family with, left his five young kids behind without a look back. He never breathed a word about them to me. He certainly never financially supported them.
The entire foundations of my world have been shaken. I haven’t told anyone yet. I don’t know how—not without answers. Is it wrong to go looking for his family? The oldest two children should be adults, and I have names and locations from some of the documents. I tell myself I could offer financial assistance, but I wonder if I am being selfish here. Please advise.
— Questions
Dear Questions,
Put his family on the back burner for a second here. What about YOU? This is really difficult news to absorb. It throws into question everything you knew about the man you loved and the relationship you had, and you’ll never be able to confront him about it or get closure. That’s a lot! So, before you decide what to do with respect to his kids, take some time to simply sit with what you’ve learned (in a therapist’s office if at all possible). And please, tell a friend or two.
You don’t need to have all the details before you open up to someone you trust about this earth-shattering revelation and the effect it’s having on you. Remember that you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t have anything to be ashamed about. Don’t keep this secret.
On to the children: You’re not obligated to do anything (again, you did nothing wrong), but I can see how you could be thinking “I had their father for seven years and they didn’t. I owe them.” Or maybe you just feel for these kids who grew up without a dad. You said you can offer financial assistance, so it sounds like you have enough money that you could easily part with some. If that is true— and, after taking the time to process this yourself, you still want to help them out—hire a private investigator to identify them and figure out a way to get them the cash anonymously. Do not, I repeat, do not, reach out and tell them about the life their father was living while ignoring them. I can’t imagine how this would be anything other than hurtful, and it may open you up to unpredictable entanglements that you don’t need right now.
New Year, Same Problems
For an upcoming special edition of Dear Prudence, we want to hear about the messy situations plaguing you that you’d like to shed in the new year. A mother-in-law who is slowly poisoning you? An underground diaper operation that’s driving you mad? A poorly named horse? Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend, Alec, has friends who are big moochers. He made a few of these pals through work, and he has even invited them to his family’s vacation home. But since then, they’ve gotten very comfortable asking him to use the house for themselves. They’re not gracious about staying there, either: One of their girlfriends blatantly told Alec that they were only friends with him for the beach house! Another threw a party and left the place a mess.
I grew up in a working-class family of six, and I cannot imagine treating a friend like this. I told Alec that I find these people rude and entitled. The last straw, for me, was when we went on a group outing together. His friends ordered extras and only paid small fractions of the bill, walking out and leaving Alec and I with a tab of almost $300. (Two of them ignored my Venmo requests.) I have no desire to hang out with them again, but Alec is torn, and after all, they are his “friends.” How should we handle this?
— Who Raised These People?
Dear These People,
This sounds really bad, and I wish Alec had better friends. The part of it that is your business is the part that involves getting stuck with a tab when the moochers walk out—who does that? Do not put yourself in a group dining situation with them again.
The part that is Alec’s business and nor yours is that part that involves people who told him they were using him. The phrase “sorry that won’t be possible this time” is available to him any time he wants to say no to a request to use the beach house. I don’t know what’s stopping him from using it—and the fact that he won’t stand up for himself here is something you should make a small note of as you decide whether to make your relationship with him any more serious than it is —but it’s not up to you.
Dear Prudence,
I am an elementary school teacher. I recently became aware that a mother and a father of two of my students are dating. A colleague is Facebook friends with the mother, Carrie, through a non-school-related connection, and pieced together that Carrie is in a newly (?) open marriage and dating the father, Tom, who is divorced. Their children, my students, are best friends, which is great in terms of their current situation, because they are all spending a lot of time together (sometimes with Carrie’s husband, sometimes not). What two consenting adults do in their personal lives is none of my business, and I’m not entirely sure what my students’ understanding of the situation is, but I imagine they know their parents are “special friends.” My concern is that this relationship will run its course and that my students will be forced to sever a close friendship due to the interpersonal politics of their parents. True, maybe they’ll make it as a throuple or whatever this is for years to come, but all adults involved seem somewhat volatile, so my hunch is that this will end, and likely not on good terms.
If things do get weird or bad, is there anything I can do to support my students (if they are still in my care at the time)? Or if their classmates find out that their parents are dating but Carrie still has a husband, which even for our fairly liberal area is a little out-there for young kids to rationalize? Normally, as long as children are safe and taken care of (which these students definitely are), I don’t pay any mind to home life quirks, but this situation feels like it has the potential to bleed into the classroom in a negative way.
— Want to Mind My Business
Dear Mind My Business,
It’s sweet that you care about these kids so much. A teacher who is spending their free time trying to mind their business but worrying about how to soften the potential emotional blows in students’ futures is honestly what every child deserves. They’re lucky to have you.
If things do get hard for them at some point, because of a parent breakup, or gossip, or teasing, or whatever, the best thing someone in your role can be is a trusted adult to talk to who is consistent and listens to them. Maybe you can set the stage for that now, and I actually have a practical idea about how to do so. Stop me if I’m just putting more work on your plate, or if this is impossible in the age of teaching to the standardized test. But when I was in third grade, each student had a little journal that we would write in (my entries were 100 percent about my pet rat, Peanut, and gymnastics class), and we would hand them to our teacher, Ms. Uyeda, and she would respond to what we said and ask us questions. It was a delight and it felt so special and validating to hear directly from a teacher. Could you start a practice like that—even if you only write back a couple of times a month? If you feel these kids are struggling, you could use your entries to affirm and encourage them. You can’t control what happens in their lives— which, again, I can only imagine is incredibly tough for you—but you can be one more person in their world who loves and cares about them and explicitly lets them know.
How to Get Advice From Prudie
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Our 30-year-old son met a 25-year-old Russian woman via Instagram. Their only in-person interactions have been vacations in Serbia, Mexico, Istanbul, and London, for which he has paid. We met her in person at Christmas in London with our other two sons, daughter-in-law, and grandchild. She showed no interest in spending time with us. How best do we discuss our concerns with our son?
— From Russia With Issues
Dear From Russia With Issues,
You don’t.
It’s not that your concerns (which you haven’t really laid out explicitly, but which I assume are “she’s using him for his money and potentially citizenship”) are totally invalid. There’s just no world in which a man who is having a passionate international love affair with a beautiful woman is going to stop because his parents took him aside and mentioned that, from their perspective, the vibes are off. This might be an authentic relationship between two people from different continents, one of whom has more money and picks up the vacation tab.
And it might be a 90 Day Fiancé-style disaster. Either way, I don’t see you having the power to change its course. Your ability to keep your son from dating people you don’t approve of ended when he was about 15, probably closer to 12. Which is hard, because your love and concern for him didn’t end then—I get it.
So what you can do is to channel that love into simply being there for him; don’t attempt to guide his choices but just exist as a loving figure in his life. You can do that now, by being happy for him that he’s happy in his new relationship and remembering that it’s not her job to be interested in spending time with her boyfriend’s parents. And you can plan to continue to be there for him if (when?) the shit hits the fan, and he’s left broke and heartbroken. And hey, stay positive, the worst might never hit—they’ve met in person, so at least we know she’s not a catfish!
Dear Prudence Uncensored
“You can’t talk anyone out of believing they’re in love.”
Jenée Desmond-Harris and friends discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.
Dear Prudence,
“Cheryl” and I are both writers who connected through the internet. We’ve never met in real life, but we have common interests and enjoy each other’s writing. However, recently, she sent me a piece that had some pretty major issues that I considered uncharacteristic of her. I sent her a long list of grievances I had with the piece, and perhaps I was a little less tactful than I could have been. She neither accepted the critique happily nor negatively, but merely sent me a curt note back acknowledging receipt. I feel incredibly awkward now. It would almost be preferable if she had called me a bitch and told me to go screw myself. I didn’t respond, as I’m completely caught off guard and have no idea how to move forward. Do I ask if everything’s OK? Change the subject and talk about something else entirely? Say nothing and wait for her to email me again? Help!
— Kill Your Darlings
Dear Kill Your Darlings,
Grievances?? You feel awkward … now? You didn’t feel awkward when you were typing up that email full of feedback that, at least as you frame it in your letter, she did not give a single indication she wanted from you? Come on! If I’m reading you correctly that feedback like this hasn’t been a norm in your correspondence, it sounds like she was kinder to you than you deserved. Also, you are killing me. None of the options you suggest include saying you’re sorry! How do you even function in the world dealing with people like this? Anyway, okay, I’m supposed to be giving you advice, not yelling at you. You should reach out and say this:
“I owe you an apology. I’m realizing I gave you feedback that you didn’t ask for, and it was probably insulting. I wouldn’t have wanted someone to treat me that way and honestly, I don’t even know why my critique would matter to you. I’m embarrassed and I don’t know why I did it. I would love to move forward and continue our friendship—with a commitment to be more thoughtful and sensitive, and less arrogant which I really need to work on—if you can accept my apology, but I will leave you alone if I don’t hear back from you.”
And then you really need to work on those things. Like, seriously. Or you’ll just find yourself in this kind of situation again, wondering why someone hasn’t responded well to your being a complete jerk to them.
Give Prudie a Hand in “We’re Prudence”
Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Join the conversation about it on Twitter with Jenée @jdesmondharris, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.
Dear Prudence
I, my husband, and my childhood friend “Mia” are all in our early forties. Mia lives with and supports her niece “Hope,” who is in her mid-twenties. Hope has an IQ just slightly too high to qualify for disability, but for various reasons is unable to live independently. Hope was mostly raised by Mia’s parents (her grandparents), who are now dead. Her mother, Mia’s sister and only sibling, is also dead and her father’s whereabouts are unknown.
Their family tends to have very poor health, and Mia already has the health and mobility of an elderly person. She’s worried what will happen to Hope when she dies, since they have no other relatives they’re in touch with. Nor does Mia expect to leave much money. She earns less than $30,000 a year and Hope less than $10,000. They rent, have minimal savings, and just barely cover their present needs. So as Mia’s closest remaining friend, she has asked me if I and my husband will take Hope in upon her death.
Should I agree to this? We own a three-bedroom house and could provide Hope with a room and food, but I’m concerned about our responsibility for anything beyond that, since we’re far from well-off either (which ironically is the main reason we decided not to have kids). We’re not related to Hope and would have no formal guardianship, since she has never been declared incompetent. If we had to take her for needed health care or call an ambulance for her, would those bills be on her, as an adult (even with no money, insurance or credit history), or on us? If she developed mobility issues such that we couldn’t care for her at home, where else could we take her, and could they come after us for payment? We’d appreciate any and all advice you can give.
— Hesitant Helper
Dear Prudence,
Let me start off by saying I love animals. I have two dogs at the moment, but have had dogs, cats, and horses in my life. While I love animals, I love my children more. I have three children: two older teens and a newborn. My sister has three as well: two grown and one in middle school.
Our mom is local and lives on a large property with a pond. Every holiday and get-together, my sister has taken to bringing her dog, who has plenty of other opportunities to run around at parks and lakes (and does!). My mom also has a dog, a shelter mix, who bit my eldest son once for being loud. Both of them treat their dogs like their children. Neither has been around a baby.
Over Thanksgiving, we brought our newborn to my mom’s place for the first time. My sister brought her dog, and my mom’s dog was there. Both dogs were eyeing my son in a way that made us nervous. When he cried, the dogs seemed agitated and at one point I felt my mom’s dog was acting aggressive (but I did not allow her near him). My mom said the dogs were not used to a baby and that his cry bothered them. As my eldest was bitten for making a loud noise, this is an obvious concern.
My sister agreed, just for Christmas, to leave her dog at home. My stepdad put their dog in his truck, as she would have “destroyed the house” if they tried to leave her in a bedroom. So, the situation was resolved for one event, but I am concerned as to what I should do going forward. My sister wants to bring her dog to future events, and my mom’s dog still lives there. As my son starts getting more mobile, I don’t know what to do. Am I being unreasonable to ask them to leave their dogs at home/put away during events? How do I approach this in a way that doesn’t make everyone mad at me, while keeping my son safe?
— Kids Before Canines
Dear Kids Before Canines,
When it comes to protecting your son from being attacked by a dog, you have to deprioritize being seen as unreasonable or making people mad. This means making the decision for yourself first: “I am not going to have my son somewhere where he might get bitten.” And then share that information with your family. You can do this very nicely, in a way that doesn’t make them feel bullied and gives them a way out. Here’s your script for the group text:
“Hi, so I know the dog situation was resolved just for Christmas, and I am really grateful. I wanted to ask whether keeping Muffin at home and Marley in the truck could be a permanent solution at family events. After what happened when my Older Son was bitten, I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel comfortable—although I know they are good dogs, they have shown some discomfort around Younger Son, and I simply couldn’t live with myself if he was ever harmed because I didn’t protect him. However, I know both of the dogs are members of the family too, so if this doesn’t work for you, I understand and I’ll either join you for events outside the house or try to make an appearance via Zoom or FaceTime. Let me know what you think.”
Classic Prudie
My girlfriend is the chef and owner of a local restaurant that’s recently become extremely popular. We’d been friends for a few years before we started dating months ago. She’s been named best chef in both the city and state, her restaurant has won awards, and she gets regular requests to compete on cooking shows. We are getting more serious, and I’m not sure how to deal with her current fame. Everybody in our city knows who she is. I know that once I tell people that we’re dating, they are going to ask if I can get them free food…
