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Dear Prudence,
I am a man in his 50s, married to my second wife for 16 years. Our sex life has clearly diminished over the course of the years—with quick, routine sex before sleep at best every two to three months or so. As a result I have focused my sexual energy (which I definitely still have) toward erotic fantasies about my wife. I envision her in all sort of wild, tabooless sex with strangers and friends alike.
As I possess some pretty decent Photoshop skills, I have started to visualize these fantasies in very convincing fake pictures—of a high quality, almost arty level (at least, so I like to flatter myself thinking). I have kept these pictures strictly for myself, occasionally masturbating to them, although I find the real thrill in making up and realizing the erotic scenes. It’s simply a nonharmful way to channel my sexual energy. Regrettably, my wife has run into the pictures, and she is disgusted by them, although I have ensured her they are only for myself and I have no desire whatsoever to see any of these fantasies actually come true. Am I really doing such a horrendous thing? I am not the cheating kind, I would never leave my wife, and the only thing I afford myself—just to keep my libido satisfied—is creating these erotic visuals. Should I give up my secret “hobby”?
There are two very different questions here, although you are only asking one: Should you give up your secret “hobby”? Absolutely. They may be Photoshopped, but they are recognizable images of your wife, and she is deeply, deeply opposed to them. Delete them, empty your trash, apologize.
I know that you have said you will never leave your wife, but you need to be asking yourself about the way forward. Sexual incompatibility is a big deal, and it can really eat away at intimacy if you let it. Are you able to cope with your conflicting libidos without these images? Can you share your fantasies with her? Would she be OK if you masturbated next to her? This discovery has created a logical moment in your marriage for you to put everything on the table. She may also be discontented with your sex life, and I have hopes that eventually you may be able to come a little closer together (pun very much not intended).
Keep in mind that she is still recovering from what she found, which must have been an extreme shock. She likely is creeped out and needs a little time. Maybe it might be wise to say, “I’ve deleted all the pictures. You are welcome to look. Can we have a talk about our sex lives in a month? I’m so, so sorry to have upset you in this way, and I recognize that I should not have done what I did.” You’re in the doghouse now, but, if or when things are back to normal, don’t let them go back into stasis. —Danny M. Lavery
From: “Help! My Wife Found the Erotic Images I Photoshopped Her Into.” (Nov. 28, 2019)
Dear Prudence,
I am starting a promising relationship with an awesome woman, but there’s a problem: she has a Chihuahua with such severe separation anxiety that (she says) they must be together 24/7. Otherwise the dog will chew off its paw. She largely works from home and has a large purse and takes the dog everywhere, including places it clearly is not allowed, e.g., food stores, restaurants, movies, and the Kennedy Center. I know some people are nuts about their pets, but this seems extreme. I bought a pair of fall opera tickets for $300 and plan to take my mother for fear we would be asked to leave if the dog was discovered. There does not seem to be room for compromise and I know if she had to choose between me and the dog, she’d choose the dog. Is there any hope for this relationship or should I just move on?
Occasionally you see dogs wearing a vest that declares they are “emotional assistance” service dogs for their owner. Your girlfriend should be wearing a vest declaring she’s an emotional assistance human for her Chihuahua. Just think, if you forced your girlfriend to go out on four dates without Pepe, he would in short order be a dog without paws. This should give you pause about what you’re getting into. You’re actually the one I’m concerned about here. You knew your girlfriend was a nut on the first date when she started dropping table scraps into her Louis Vuitton. I can’t imagine how you decided there was a promising future for you being part of a defunct Taco Bell ad campaign. The opera date is not until the fall. Before you ask Mom, expand your social horizons and see if you can’t find a woman to accompany you who can leave her four-legged love behind for an evening. —Emily Yoffe
From: “Help! My Girlfriend Takes Her Chihuahua With Her Everywhere, All the Time, 24/7.” (Aug. 5, 2013)
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our 20s. We’ve been together over 10 years and have two kids. Our sex life is great, but my husband does masturbate a lot. He found a porn video with a girl who looks exactly like me—super creepy! He asked me several times if I had cheated on him. About a week later he asked me if I would want to have a threesome with his childhood best friend, someone I’ve known for 18 years. He said he picked him because he’s seen him naked before, and because he’s not married and not attractive (at all, eww, although my husband says he’s not THAT bad) and therefore not a threat to steal me away. I don’t know if it’s just super gross and offensive because of who he picked or if I would feel like that with anyone. We do like to get kinky, but I don’t know about this. Please help.
I’m trying to imagine the world your husband lives in, where finding someone deeply unattractive is considered a good reason to sleep with them. “Darling, you know how you think Hank is physically repulsive? Well, I think that makes him an absolutely ideal candidate for a threesome.”
Technically, there are no bad ideas in brainstorming, and your husband appears to be doing a lot of sex brainstorming these days—watching porn with real-life-look-alikes, bringing up the idea of cuckolding, suggesting you sleep with someone you know well and aren’t interested in bedding in the slightest. It sounds like you don’t like any of these ideas; tell him so. You already have an active, satisfying sex life; you’re just not interested in adding unpleasant threesomes to the menu. “I don’t like watching porn starring someone who looks like me, I don’t want to fantasize about cheating on you, and I don’t want to sleep with your most grotesque friends because you think they won’t steal me away.” Your husband is being honest with you, so return the favor and be honest with him about how much his suggestions are turning you off. You don’t have to berate him for them, but you do owe it to yourself not to encourage any sexual behavior you find “super gross.” —D.L.
From: “Help! My Husband Wants a Threesome With His Unattractive Best Friend.” (Feb. 8, 2016)
Dear Prudence,
I am a widower in my mid-30s. Five years ago a drunk driver killed my wife. I was devastated. For the first couple of years I was in a sad, isolated, and withdrawn state. But the passage of time did help heal me. My wife’s younger sister moved to my city to begin her medical residency more than two years ago. She invited me to a few social events when she arrived and soon we became physically intimate. At first I was in shock, as she had been my sister-in-law. However, things developed and it is serious. There’s a problem, however: She’s never told her parents about us. I understand the topic is awkward and her parents and I have had a strained relationship. But she and I are planning to move in together and will be getting engaged, so it’s only a matter of time before they find out. We’ve discussed breaking the news to them thousands of times, and even sought professional advice. Each rehearsal scenario inevitably ends with us having to defend our relationship, something we both don’t feel is necessary. Are we right for believing that we shouldn’t justify ourselves to her family and those who view our relationship as suspect or immoral? Or do they have a point that we’ve crossed a huge social boundary between brother-in-law and sister-in-law and we must hear them out?
I’m assuming you’re not a member of the Inuit or Chiricahua people. They and some other groups around the world have followed the practice of sororate marriage, in which a widower marries the sister of his late wife. (It’s a variation of the much more widespread tradition of levirate marriage—commanded in Deuteronomy—where a widow marries her late husband’s brother.) You, your sister-in-law, and her parents all suffered a sudden and grievous loss. It’s one that will always mark your life, but as has happened, you have been able to love again and move on. Your late wife’s parents must live with a different kind of pain. Of course they want their living daughter to happily marry. But her marrying you will complicate how they cope. Images of you with their late daughter will be hard to keep from their minds when they see you coupled with their younger child. I wish you’d said more about the reason for the strained relations with your in-laws. It would be instructive to know if they simply disliked you from the get go, or whether they irrationally hold you somehow responsible for their daughter’s death. Nonetheless, you’re absolutely right that it’s way past time they were informed of this 2-year-old relationship. Hearing this news will be an emotional event for them, so I think your fiancée-to-be should do them the courtesy of breaking it to them alone. Your late wife’s sister does owe her parents an apology for not being more open with them sooner. But neither of you should feel you need to justify yourselves or that you’ve crossed some boundary. I had a letter last year from a man whose older wife had died and whose stepdaughter wanted to become his lover. I felt that was violating a taboo. But you and your love don’t have anything to be ashamed of, so stop acting as if you do. Her telling her parents without you there will give them a chance to react and discuss this with her, even if it’s not a particularly pleasant conversation. After she hears them out, she has to explain that whatever their feelings, she loves you, you’re committed to each other, and she hopes they can reopen their hearts. —E.Y.
From: “Help! My Wife Died in an Accident Years Ago. Can I Marry Her Sister?” (Aug. 15, 2013)
More Advice From Dear Prudence
I’m in my 40s, and for my entire adult life, I’ve only been able to (and I only want to) be in relationships in which my significant others very openly cheat on me. Before I came out more openly about my position, I dreamed of them cheating on me and wished for it.
