Dear Prudence is online weekly to chat live with readers on Mondays at noon ET. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat.
Jenée Desmond-Harris: Welcome, everyone! Let’s get started.
Q. Keep It Down: I’m trying to figure out how to talk to my neighbor about noise without riling him up too much. My husband, our toddlers and I live in an area similar to where I grew up—rural, large land lots, no town-enforced noise laws, and people mostly mind their own business. The occasional early morning chainsaws, noisy parties, and target practice are all pretty live and let live, which is how we like it. I’ve never had to negatively talk to neighbors about much of anything because distance does it all for us.
There’s one recent exception: Our neighbor across the road is going through a sticky divorce and in the fight for the house, he’s trying to drive his wife out with noise—largely high-volume, profanity-laden talk radio, and loud car noises late at night. It’s enough that it’s interrupting our kids’ sleep. How do I push back on this when there’s such a culture of minding your own business in our area? To give context, we’re so rural there’s no local police force, so I’d be hesitant to call a noise complaint to the county, who would take at least an hour to get here, even if I did believe calling the cops was the right answer. I have to have a neighborly talk to this guy and I have no idea how. Scripts? Ideas? Ways to band together our independent, privacy-minded neighbors to push back at him?
A: I see nothing wrong with a note left in his mailbox saying, “Hi from your neighbor across the street. We were wondering if you could turn down the volume on your radio and keep the car noise to a minimum after 8 p.m. The kids have been having some trouble sleeping. Thanks for considering!”
But honestly, you’re worried about the noise; I’m worried about this guy’s wife. He sounds absolutely unhinged and dangerous. And for all the talk about minding your own business, you haven’t: You know what’s going on in their marriage, what he’s doing to torment her, and why. To the extent that you band together the neighbors, I think it should be to reach out to this woman as discreetly as possible, let her know that you are all aware of what’s going on, and ask how you can support her as she navigates the end of a marriage with someone who will seemingly stop at nothing to cause her harm.
Q. Am I Overly Sensitive?: I’m pregnant and have been struggling with hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme morning sickness). I’ve been hospitalized several times, and I’m constantly weak, tired, and pukey. Even with medications, it’s bad. I’m very fortunate that my parents have been willing and able to help a LOT with child care during the day. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and (sorry to be gross) the long, intense vomiting spells can make it impossible to supervise our young child adequately and keep her safe. My husband has been handling the bulk of the child care in the evenings instead of the usual 50/50 (he works full-time). As a result, our house isn’t as clean and tidy as normal. I still get to the bathrooms and kitchen every week, but stuff like dusting, vacuuming, and decluttering have fallen by the wayside.
When my in-laws visit, one of them often makes little comments about the lack of cleanliness or tidiness. Stuff like “Whoa, look at all the dust bunnies down here!” when playing with our child on the floor, or remarking on the pile of unopened mail or other clutter. Or commenting again on a home improvement that I’d started but abandoned when I got too sick to function. Or about it being a sweet deal to be a stay-at-home mom AND have a babysitter (one of my parents) most days. I don’t know if it’s their intention, but these comments feel like jabs at me for failing at my job or being lazy. Normally I’d brush them off, but right now I feel fragile and vulnerable, and they sting. I’d like for either my husband to tell them to drop it or for my in-laws to stop coming to our place until I’m better. Is this a reasonable request? I’ve felt so sick and run down for so long that I can’t tell when I’m being overly sensitive and unreasonable anymore.
A: You are so, so far from being oversensitive. So far, in fact, I wonder what kind of mistreatment you’ve put up with from these people in the past. Let me be clear: They are ASSHOLES and it is absolutely their intention to make you feel judged and ashamed. Your husband should tell them to stop and also that they are not invited over until you feel better. Not either. Both. This is also your opportunity to communicate very clearly what will be acceptable once you have the baby. Make your wishes known now. Write them down. Share them. Be about 50 percent harsher and more direct than what feels comfortable, because they need a wake-up call. And spread the word that even if you are behaving in a way that they see as unreasonable, it’s your house, your body, and your family and their comments are not welcome.
Q. No Reservations, Please: How does one deal with penny-pinching friends? I’m in a diverse friend group of creative professionals, who for all intents and purposes, lead middle-class lives. We have a lot of fun together, but we have had major conflicts when making plans that require reservations. There have been times when the activities leaned on the expensive side, and not everyone contributes equally. (For example, I had to fork over $200 for my own birthday celebration, while others quietly paid a fraction of the $60 I asked for and never explained themselves. It put a financial strain on me but I didn’t press it, I just told myself that I would no longer count on them to commit to plans like these.)
Now, two of those same friends are angry at some of us for abstaining from a recent birthday dinner. I offered a compromise by meeting them at the bar later, and they seemed totally fine. But they waited until the day after to tell everyone that they actually pre-paid for dinner and that the rest of us owe them money. They’ve resorted to name-calling, making assumptions about people’s incomes, and even citing socioeconomic privileges as reasons we owe them. But I think it’s just poor planning on their end, and I don’t think I’m responsible for anything I didn’t consent to. How do I/we address this?
A: Wow, your friendship with these people sounds really delightful.
Seriously, what are you doing? The members of this group are robbing you of money and calling you names. The most generous read here is that you’re all incompatible. Socializing is supposed to be fun. Find some people who make it feel that way.
Q. Paths Crossing: Here’s a very minor concern. I (40M) find myself working on the same floor with a woman whom I knew close to two decades ago when we were both in the same college residence and socialized. I have not approached her, and she probably is not aware that I’m around since my name isn’t on an office door like hers is. In principle, I’d be interested in catching up. One thing holds me back. I had a crush on her at one point but she turned me down. I think everyone behaved properly; we remained social friends until she left. That was, again, a couple of decades ago and I am now married with children (no idea about her). I don’t have any kind of romantic ulterior motive here, but I am afraid that maybe she thinks I do and that might create awkwardness. Or am I just being silly, or maybe being rude in NOT acknowledging someone I was once friends with?
A: Don’t go out of your way to approach her, but don’t frantically push “close” on the elevator button a million times as you see her coming down the hall to avoid interacting with her, either. If you find yourself in the kitchen together, your script is, “Madison, is that you? Wow, it’s been decades! Do you keep up with anyone from college? Been to any reunions? Well, great catching up, and I guess I’ll see you around the office.”
Re: Q. No Reservations, Please: This is why I think that when people go out they should be in charge of their own money—order what they want, and pay for what they have. For example, this is why I hate the rounds system at pubs in the U.K. or “Let’s just split the bill.” People are on different budgets and that should be respected. Find new friends.
A: I do think it’s nice to have a group of friends in which either A) everyone is kind of in the same place in terms of money and attitudes toward money, and things can be split informally or B) you’re so close or have been friends for so long that you know that you’ll take turns paying more than your share and things will eventually even out over the years or over a lifetime. But neither of those things is the case here. Plus, again, these people seem to dislike each other! So yes, “find new friends” is good advice.
Re: Q. Keep It Down: For this, I’m calling the sheriff. I’d try the note first, and failing that, I’d call during the day and speak to the actual sheriff. I’d explain the situation and ask for advice. I’d expect her to tell me to call the non-emergency number and speak to the dispatch, who would have already been given a heads-up by the sheriff. It is not hard to imagine someone who treats their wife this way could be capable of physical violence if you approach him on your own. Live and let live is a good code, but all good codes have exceptions.
A: I have a little less faith in the extent to which a sheriff would help resolve this in a productive way, but I totally agree that this guy sounds like he’s the type to get violent. That’s why I suggested a (friendlier than he deserves) note rather than a confrontation.
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Classic Prudie
My boyfriend feels like he only needs to apologize when he thinks what he did was wrong, and that’s never. The problem seems to be twofold. First, he sees the world in two ways: people who think like him, and people who are wrong. If something would not upset him, then it should not upset me—end of story.
