Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My spouse “John” is quick to offer people to come to stay with us. For example, a few years back, one of his coworkers in another state told him she was homesick for the state we were living in, and John felt sorry for her. One evening, he comes home and asks me out of nowhere how I would feel if he asked this woman to quit her job and come move with us until she finds a job and place back here. This really bothered me, as he had told me many times that he’d never met Alice in person. I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea: We don’t know if she’s safe to be around us or kids. I couldn’t sleep the whole night, and the next day it bothered me. When John came home, we argued and he said he’d decided to rescind the offer. What the hell? Really? We never got it resolved but I left it alone and she didn’t stay with us.
Three months later, John offered for another friend to stay with us. They did—for six months’ rent, food, and utilities, all free. I had never met this person, only heard of her in passing. It was really weird and scary having someone in our home I’d never met before. I felt I had to be on guard in my home. It didn’t even feel like it was my home.
After this episode, we went to marriage counseling and even the counselor got upset with me. Every time I explained why I was uncomfortable with these guests, my answer wasn’t good enough. I had explained to my spouse while we dated that I was afraid of having people stay with us that only he knows or does not know so well. I explained how my father would bring violent people to our home, and it scared me as a kid. It’s like my spouse uses what I shared in private against me. We argued about “the guest” every week because John was not totally honest with me regarding the arrangements. John sees this gives me anxiety and uses it as a weapon. He knows we have a child with autism, and we have to be careful who we have in our home.
About a week ago, he shared with me that another coworker had fallen on hard times and he was thinking about offering her to come to stay with us. My anxiety level went from 5 to 20. I already saw a therapist, and she basically told me to ignore what he’s doing, it’s just his way of trying to get under my skin. John feels that I should treat the guests like they’re at a five-star hotel, keeping the house clean and cooking all the time. The question is what should I do about it? I’m tired of sitting in my bedroom alone crying and worried that he may come home with Freddy Krueger or Ronald McDonald.
— No More Guests Please
Dear No More Guests,
Do you know that in a healthy marriage, “I’m not really up for having an overnight guest” is a good enough reason for your spouse not to invite someone to stay with you? I want you to know that. This is awful. The fact that you’re fearful that John is bringing people who may be dangerous to your child into your home just takes it to another level. The first step is to stop playing hostess to these people. No extra cleaning. No cooking for people other than you and your son. And use the time you save to talk to divorce lawyers. Your soon-to-be-ex-husband will be free to run an extended stay hotel (with no housekeeping service) from his new bachelor pad.
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Dear Prudence,
My fiancé and I have been engaged for five years and live on separate coasts due to a matter of career and college. We fly out to see each other as often as we can and we talk on the phone several times a week and text every day. It is hard, but we make it work.
What we can’t seem to make work is getting our families to believe us about getting married.
My sisters love to “joke” our save the date will be printed with the word “someday” on it. My mother has expressed concern that my fiancé might be stringing me along or have a “special friend” in his city. His parents have suggested more than once that our relationship isn’t committed enough to be real. We love each other. We want to spend our lives together. We have a plan and are working on it together. But our families are driving us nuts! I am at the point that I think we should fly to Vegas and get married by Elvis. My fiancé agrees with the sentiment but thinks we would regret not having our families there on the big day and doing a traditional wedding.
Thoughts? I need some outside perspective here. We have repeatedly asked our family to knock off the jokes and concerns and worries. It sometimes dies down, but it never fully dies.
— Ready for Elvis
Dear Ready for Elvis,
Five years is kind of a long engagement! People (at least those who don’t have the manners to keep their thoughts to themselves) are going to have some comments about it. But if you really have a plan and you really feel good about where you are, who cares? You do not have to keep trying to get your families to get on board with you. You can be at peace with them not believing your relationship is serious, and then being surprised when they eventually (not on an expedited schedule!) receive a save-the-date card. And you can keep yourself going by starting a shared Google Doc with notes for the little speech you’ll make at the rehearsal dinner you will have one day, on your own timeline, where you’ll make a few pointed digs at people who didn’t believe in you and support you.
Dear Prudence,
My granddaughter had a twin who died at one month old. My daughter was so grief stricken that she got rid of or destroyed anything that even touched her lost baby. She also forbade any mention of the tragedy in our family.
My granddaughter is four years old now. I am worried about the impact that such a family secret will have on her in the future. I had friends who found out they were adopted or the result of an affair and it shook the foundations of their lives. I still have pictures and mementos of her twin hidden away in a box. My daughter doesn’t know.
The last time I tried to approach my daughter and see if she would like to come with me and lay flowers on the grave, she got up and left the room without a word. Later, she texted me and warned me if I ever mentioned the name of the twin to her daughter, I would never see her again. I don’t know what to do here. I kept hoping my daughter would relent but she didn’t. Please help me.
— Grandmother of Two
Dear Grandmother of Two,
I’m not saying your daughter is making the right choice by sweeping this tragedy under the rug. What I am saying is the enormous, unimaginable loss is hers, and you have to honor her wishes. Let me be absolutely clear: Do not take it upon yourself to tell your 4-year-old granddaughter that she had a twin who died at a month old. I know you want to do it. But don’t. Your daughter has been through enough. The least you can do is allow her to control the when and how this information is shared. Stop pushing.
Will your granddaughter be upset when she eventually learns about what happened? Probably, yes. But, to be fair, it would also be upsetting to get the information at a time when her mother is still reeling and is not able to help her process it. This is not news that is ever going to be easy to hear. The best way forward here is to think about how tough it will be on this little girl when she does eventually find out, and focus, starting now, on being the kind of adult she’s going to need in her life to listen to her, support her, and help her cope when that happens.
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
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