In the New York Times, a reporter asks, “Babies in First Class: Which Side of the Aisle Are You On?” The story quotes business travelers, travel experts, and frazzled parents on the topic, weighing the value first-class passengers place on a quiet, luxurious experience versus the needs of parents traveling with very small children. Representing the anti-kid forces is Jakob Miller, a retired doctor from Staten Island who complains about a recent flight to Europe where his first-class sojourn was interrupted by a crying baby.
Babies should be banned from first class, Dr. Miller (hopefully he wasn’t a pediatrician) declares:
“First class is a premium space where passengers pay extra for added comfort and relaxation. The presence of a baby, with their potential crying and fussing, would disrupt the peaceful atmosphere and ruin the experience for other passengers.”
He’s not wrong: A baby’s crying and fussing does disrupt a peaceful atmosphere. But the fact is, no one, no matter what section of the plane they are in, enjoys sitting next to a crying baby on an airplane. No parent enjoys dealing with a crying baby on an airplane. For that matter, no baby enjoys being a crying baby on an airplane! Imagine it! You’re tiny and frightened and off-schedule, and all of a sudden you’re in a tube and your ears get all clogged up and you can’t lie down in your crib and rich people get angry at you. Who wouldn’t cry?! The proper way to view a sad baby on an airplane is not to be annoyed at them, but to be sympathetic to their misery and compassionate to their parent.
Right now, all the major airlines allow infants in first class. People like Dr. Miller think that babies should be banned from first class. But reading this enraging article makes me think that the proper solution is in fact the opposite: Every airline must seat all infants in first class. I call on Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg, once he solves the whole Southwest thing, to establish a new federal regulation: First Class is now Baby Class.
That’s right! Parents traveling with babies deserve no less. They are the most miserable people in the skies: harried, flustered, anxious, snotted-upon, nearly deaf, constantly worried that they are ruining other people’s days even as their own days absolutely suck. There’s never enough room. You have to hold a squirming, crying, sneezing bundle of joy on your lap for hours. You somehow have to change a diaper in a lavatory that’s somehow smaller than your body’s physical volume, and is also covered in pee. Any reasonably civilized society, seeing fellow human beings so abject, would do everything in its power to make their lives a little better.
That’s what Baby Class will do. If you arrive at the gate with a baby, you get upgraded to first class, no questions asked. If you’re traveling with two babies, you get first class and a massage. In Baby Class, the lighting is gentle, mobiles hang from the ceiling, and flight attendants clad in noise-canceling headphones offer considerate smiles and warm towelettes. Parents do not fear that their baby’s crying will ruin their neighbor’s trip, because their neighbor’s trip is already ruined. At least everyone’s got a nice big seat to be miserable in.
“But what do we do about the people already in first class?” you might ask. Great question. We’ll send them to coach. They can have the exit row if they want. Contra the quotes in the New York Times piece, being wealthy should not allow you to withdraw entirely from the human race, nor should it entitle you to view other people, including infants, as mere obstructions to your Perfect Journey. If there’s still room in Baby Class once all the babies are seated, and they’d like to join the babies up there, great! Otherwise, they can hang out with the rest of us in (surprisingly quiet!) Grown-Up Class.
