How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
We ordered a hot tub to be delivered sometime in November. My husband and I plan to use it during daylight hours without wearing swimwear. Yes, nude! Yes, we have neighbors about 40 feet away, who could see us if they choose to —in the tub or hopping from our patio door 20 feet to the tub. We’re not shy and don’t plan to cover up. And no, we’re not going to “exhibit” ourselves. We just want to enjoy our tub in our birthday suits. Some non-neighbor friends are appalled. Your thoughts?
—OK With Being Nude
Dear Being Nude,
Your “Yes, nude!” sentence sent me. How proud and unabashed. You’re here, you’re nude, get used to it! Unfortunately, your local laws may actually dictate, “No, nude!” Public nudity can extend to one’s own yard if it’s visible to others—this could be a huge problem for you if you’re visible to (and seen by) children. (I’ve only fact-checked a few entries on this site, but it seems to aggregate public nudity laws around the U.S., and may be a good resource for you.) Some of these laws are predicated on intent (that is, if said nudity is meant to arouse others, as in exhibitionism). Some are based on a reasonable expectation of not seeing nude people outside.
Morally, do I think what you propose is wrong? No. I think you should be able to enjoy your hot tub as you did your mother’s womb: butt ass naked. Nonsexual nudity is needlessly stigmatized in the U.S., compared to, say, parts of Europe. It’s annoying, but in many places the law is on the side of people who claim to be offended by exposed bodies in full view.
That said, mores being what they are, it wouldn’t kill you to do a bit of deferring to the comfort of the most sensitive. Yeah, you can stand your ground, tits out and your bush glistening in the sun, but part of living in a society is taking reasonable steps to avoid making people feel needlessly uncomfortable. If building a fence is out of the question for you financially, why not wear robes to and from the hot tub to minimize open-air exposure? There’s a fine line between being boldly matter-of-fact and flaunting. You and I both know that if these neighbors can see you if they “choose” to, there is a good possibility that they can also see you if they don’t choose to. Try being a little considerate to save them any potential offense and to save yourself from headaches. If they happen to make comments anyway, reassess.
Dear How to Do It,
I (29F) recently started dating for the first time in a while. I’ve started seeing someone (32M) who I’d like to have sex with in the very near future and the feeling seems mutual. We both have good jobs and are functional adults, but we are both currently living with family. This isn’t a long-term problem whatsoever, merely a short-term one. I really don’t want to introduce him to my parents or to meet his before we’ve even reached a labels stage. The two best options I can think of here are either inviting him in after my parents go to sleep (they have early bedtimes, so not out of the question) and crossing my fingers they don’t see him or getting a hotel room (this feels kind of odd like we’re having an affair), which both of us can afford. Both of these feel very juvenile. Do I need to just grin and bear a parental introduction, or is one of those options the best one on the table?
—Horny and Crowded
Dear Horny and Crowded,
You’re getting in your own way—the hotel is absolutely the way to go. It creates the least potential for drama, won’t be a financial strain, you’ll get free, small bottles of shampoo, and the excuse to wear a bathrobe that you won’t have to wash later. I love hotels. I wish I were in one now. I’m jealous that you have an excuse to check into one! I don’t know how this option seems both like you’re having an affair and juvenile, as affairs are for adults. But no one is going to admonish you for the choices you’ve made for the sake of getting some and keeping your family out of your business. Deciding to cut down needless grief as efficiently as possible? That’s grown people shit!
Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. Sign up for Slate Plus now.
Dear How to Do It,
We each have our social media accounts and play some online games. We occasionally order groceries online and the notifications come through his email account. He sleeps later than I do and with an expected delivery, I checked his phone for details. I saw a social media message from a very risqué-sounding name and the message was, “Just woke up from a nap thinking about you.” She is not in this town, so physical contact is not immediately possible—but we don’t really have that either. And an emotional affair can be worse than a physical affair. How am I supposed to bring this up? Is it unreasonable to see her message as inappropriate?
—Do I Need to Worry?
Dear Need to Worry,
Double-check to make sure you didn’t see some spam—that message sounds extremely generic and often accounts with risqué names indicate spammy marketing. Yeah, he could be cheating with Jenny Red Lips, but more often than not, people cheat with plain, old Jen. I’m unclear on how you came upon this message, but assuming that you saw it on its native platform, and not via an email alert or push notification, there wasn’t an accompanying chat history by your telling. Some platforms allow you to clear such histories so this doesn’t mean that one never existed, but the lack of history could indicate that message was a random, one-off. Certainly, the situation at this point is more open-ended than a case of obvious cheating.
So, while the message may have been inappropriate, you need more evidence. You should weigh how much of a conflict risk you’re taking by bringing this up. If your guy is reasonable and able to have hard conversations without getting dramatic or blowing up, you could easily explain to him the situation—you happened upon this message when you were looking at his phone with intentions that did not involve snooping (I mean, your intentions were not to snoop, right?). Stay open-minded but don’t be gullible.
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 31-year-old male, happily married to a 32-year-old female with two children. I lead a relatively fast-paced and busy lifestyle whereby I wake up at 6:30 a.m. to start the day, leave the house at 7:30 a.m., and return home at around 8:00 p.m. I then spend time with family, have dinner, and am in bed by 11:00 p.m. The reason for taking you through my day is that I suspect it might be useful in developing context on what my issue is. Just this morning, my wife apologized to me, and I asked her why she was sorry. She said, “For turning you down last night, I was just too tired.” The trouble is, I had not the SLIGHTEST clue what had happened. Apparently, I had turned to her to ask for sex sometime during the night, and when turned down, just went back to sleep. This has happened many times before and I never seem to remember even a flash of what happened. It scares me to think that one day something more can happen without me being in control. Should I be worried? Is this a case of sexsomnia?
—Eager Sleeper
Dear Eager Sleeper,
As I do when faced with a sexsomnia question, I turned to Dr. Guy Leschziner, neurologist, professor, and author. We use him so much in this column that during our most recent Zoom he joked that people are going to start to think his work only deals with sexsomnia—far from it. Sexsomnia takes up only one chapter of his fascinating book The Nocturnal Brain: Nightmares, Neuroscience, and the Secret World of Sleep. This phenomenon just happens to be where Leschziner’s world and the purview of this column meet.
I turn to him because he’s so good at delivering clear assessments of sexsomnia-related predicaments. So, here’s what he thinks: Because it is an unwanted or unusual behavior that occurs during sleep, sleep talking counts as a type of parasomnia. Sexsomnia is also on that spectrum of behaviors. “Because the content of the sleep talking is sexual in nature, then it probably would fall under the definition of sexsomnia,” explained Leschziner. If your sleep talking is regular and it’s always about sex, then delete that “probably”—it’s definitely sexsomnia. But, you’re not necessarily on a slippery slope.
“I think if it’s a very established pattern of behavior, which it sounds like it is, then it would be unlikely to escalate unless there was some sort of serious provoking factors,” said Leschziner. These factors could include large amounts of alcohol or taking insomnia drug zopiclone. (That drug, by the way, is not available in the U.S., but another drug used to treat insomnia, eszopiclone, sold under the brand name Lunesta, is. It’s known to also cause similar sleep disruptions.)
As for your next steps, as long as you aren’t extremely bothered by this, a sleep study probably isn’t necessary. Your busy schedule didn’t raise flags for Leschziner, though he did say that you should attempt to mitigate stress. “If he’s leading a very full life, but a fulfilling and not particularly stressful life, then there’s nothing much to do,” the doctor explained. “If there’s a lot of stress in his day then things like mindfulness-based stress reduction can be helpful.” Might be time to start meditating—if you can squeeze it in.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
My boyfriend and I recently had a casual conversation about our porn preferences, and it was intimate and nice. But one particular preference of his surprised me. I realize it’s pretty common, but I can’t get it out of my head…
