Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 11-year-old daughter got her ears re-pierced this past summer. She had gotten her ears when she was 7, but when she started wearing regular earrings, the backs of the earrings got swallowed into her ear! It was really gross and took several years of healing. Naturally, we want to be cautious this time around, and the piercing person recommended she keep the earrings in for a year as a precaution.
Well, our daughter’s soccer coach is insisting that her earrings come out. Our daughter explained the situation and offered to tape up the earrings. The earrings have wide flat backs, so they can’t stab her or others.
Her coach will not go for it—apparently this is some kind of international soccer rule. While I understand prohibiting hoop earrings, prohibiting all earrings, especially small studs, especially when ears are healing, seems extremely misogynistic. Ear piercing is an important rite of passage for many girls (not to mention boys of many cultures!). I can’t believe this is something coaches are willing to go to the grave for these days.
I have done many Google searches and seen many athletes all over the world in earrings. I have read that this is even a debate in formula one racing, and it appears to be even more rooted in prejudice at that level. Do you have any advice on how to proceed?
—Furious Mama Bear
Dear Furious Mama Bear,
You’re not going to like my answer, but I have to keep it real with you. There’s a strict “no jewelry” rule in both of my daughters’ basketball leagues, and often when I was coaching, I was the one who had to enforce it.
I’m not a soccer guy, but I’m assuming the reasons are similar in any contact sport. In my daughters’ basketball leagues, even the referees (who are often male) are not allowed to wear any jewelry while they’re on the court as a safety precaution.
Taping her ears simply won’t cut it. What would happen if a ball was kicked at high speed and hit her in the ear? What if an errant elbow from another player hit her there? What if she simply fell on her ear during a practice or a game? All of these situations are pretty common, and having her ear “swallow” the back of her earrings would be the least of her problems in those instances.
I know there are some who disagree with me, but I believe these rules are created for safety only and are not meant to be misogynistic. As I said earlier, male referees can’t wear necklaces or earrings and neither can any of the boys who play contact sports in my area. It’s a rule that has been around for decades, and I don’t think there’s any nefarious intent behind it.
Also I wouldn’t compare professional sports with youth sports, because it’s a totally different animal. When we’re talking about vulnerable kids in sports, the hierarchy of importance starts with safety, fun, and learning in that order. Some may switch the order of “fun” and “learning,” but ensuring player safety is indisputably the most critical aspect of everything we do as youth coaches.
Yes, it’s a bummer that your daughter will have to remove her earrings for soccer, but you should know it’s only being done to keep her and the other players safe.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
On the way to and from my daughter’s preschool, we go through a couple intersections where people stand with cardboard signs during the day begging for money. I do not give to them, because I already donate to a local homeless shelter (I don’t even know if these folks are homeless), and they appear to be meth or heroin addicts.
The last few days, my almost 4-year-old has asked what the people were doing, and I’ve lied and said I didn’t know. I know how I’d explain to an older child, but with a preschooler, I’m stuck on how to explain the complexity of the situation (they’re asking for money, and while yes they need help, cash from us right now is not the help they need). Any suggestions for what to say?
—Stumped Mom
Dear Stumped Mom,
How do you know if these people are drug addicts? Have you spoken to them? How do you know they won’t use the money for food? I’m not a fan of making sweeping judgments on individuals based solely on a 30-second drive by on your morning commute, and you may want to check your own biases before worrying about how to talk to your daughter. That may sound harsh, but as a Black man, I’m constantly judged negatively by people who’ve never spoken to me. To call it “incredibly annoying” is an understatement.
That aside, this conversation isn’t nearly as complex as you think. Regardless of why these people are begging for money, they deserve compassion for being mired in a dark place. Does that mean everyone should give them their hard-earned money? That’s a personal choice, and in your case, it’s clear the answer is no. But when talking to your daughter about it, you can say, “They are going through a difficult time and are asking people to give them money. I’m choosing not to because I already donate to an organization that helps people in their situation. What we can do is send them our prayers/good vibes in the hope that they find the help they need.”
That’s really it. Don’t get into the weeds about suspected drug addiction. Quite frankly, she won’t get it, and you have no idea if that’s the case. The goal here is to teach your child to be a compassionate human to others who are less fortunate.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are in our mid-30s and we’re both Asian-American. We have two sons, a 4-year-old and 6-month-old. Our older son is in preschool now, and he’ll be starting kindergarten next year. As he gets older we need to start thinking about how we will approach the topic of racism, as we know that’s something our kids will deal with growing up.
Neither my husband or I grew up knowing much about it, and I feel like that set us up for failure. Whenever I complained about racism, my parents would sympathize, but then they would say something along the lines of “Life in America is much better than life in China. Racism is the price that Chinese people pay to live in America”.
I am very sure that despite everything they talk about at preschool, my son will experience some form of racism in school, even if it’s just the more nuanced stuff. I know that responding to complaints of racism with “that’s life” like my parents did isn’t helpful. I also have a strange mental block about this and cannot think of other practical ways to respond when my kids are upset about discrimination. How can we help our kids identify uncomfortable situations as being potentially racially charged, and what can we do when they occur?
—Racism Concerns
Dear Racism Concerns,
I feel the need to address what your parents told you as a kid. In the interest of full disclosure, I have no idea what it’s like to live in China, but writing off racism as the price of admission for living in America is absolutely not OK. I’m not shaming your parents, because I know they did the best they could under the circumstances back then, but we can never accept racism as a way of life. I know you’re aware of that, but I want to deliver that public service announcement to anyone who happens to stumble upon this column after newly immigrating to the states.
Regarding your kids, there are many things you can do to ensure you’re raising an anti-racist child. I don’t have the space in this column to give you a complete list, but I can give you a few quick tips you can implement right away.
Start by teaching them that nobody has the right to make fun of them due to their skin color, the shape of their eyes, or any other factor that’s beyond their control. In the event it does happen, they should feel empowered to talk to a teacher or school administrator immediately. The days of being silent are over—if kids do or say racist things, they’ll have to pay the consequences.
Next you should teach them to stand up for others who are being racially bullied in school. I dealt with my share of racism growing up, and it’s a lonely and dehumanizing experience. Everything changed for me when one of my white friends saw me being bullied because of my race. When he stood up for me, I learned it was OK to advocate for other peers who dealt with the same thing. It’s a great lesson for your preschooler to learn what racism looks like and to step in to nip it in the bud if one of his classmates experiences it.
You should also flood your kids’ minds with images and information of people who look like them doing amazing things in America and beyond. Sadly we live in a country where millions of people believe that a talking mermaid in a Disney movie should only be white, so it’s not surprising that many kids of color grow up thinking that everything that’s correct, good, and normal is reserved for white people. Show them Chinese-American actors, doctors, entrepreneurs, athletes, chefs, etc. who are crushing it in their fields so your kids can believe, “Hey, I actually can do these things, too!” Having a healthy sense of racial self-esteem is critical when standing up against racism because it will help your kids believe they’re worthy of respect and dignity.
Lastly, do your part to ensure your kids’ school is as anti-racist as possible. This may not be a big concern now, but as they move through elementary school, it’s important to know what their curriculum looks like. Are they being taught about how amazing Christopher Columbus is for “discovering” America or are they learning the truth about the Indigenous People who thrived here before he arrived? It could require you to be on a first-name basis with everyone in the school’s office to make your voice heard, but it will be worth it in the end. If you want to take it even further, consider serving on the PTA or running for school board. The more people in those positions who are willing to fight against racism, the better it will be for your kids and countless other kids of color around them.
I can say with 100 percent certainty that your kids will experience racism in schools. The key for them is to never accept it as normal and to do everything in their power to fight against it.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Would you please weigh in on a fairly low-stakes debate between me and my husband? Both of our kids (10 and 13) have a set list of chores to do each week, in addition to their homework. When they get home in the afternoon, they beg for screen time, and I’m comfortable allowing it if it’s part of a discussion about how they’re going to use the rest of their time—20 minutes of video games is fine, and then we’re going to do a worksheet and take out the trash. My husband feels strongly that no screen time should be allowed until they’ve done their work, because it’s a reward they haven’t earned. I understand this point of view, but the fact is they come home pretty wiped out and I think they really do need to chill a little bit before getting back to work. Should I hold the line about not allowing any screen until work is done, or should he give them some flexibility about when everything gets done?
—Screen Freak in Sacramento
Dear Screen Freak,
Both sides of the debate are valid, and neither of you are “wrong”, so to speak — but I’ll share what works for me.
When you go to LinkedIn, it won’t take you long to see a progressive CEO or entrepreneur post something along the lines of, “I don’t care if my employees start their days at 10:00 a.m., go on a 20-minute walk at noon, and leave at 4:00 p.m. to go to their daughter’s dance recital. All I care about is that their work gets done well and on time.” Everyone wants to work for bosses like them, right? I operate a similar philosophy with my kids, because I couldn’t care less about when they choose to indulge in screen time. I only care about how well their work is done and if they’re meeting the proper deadlines.
The reason it works for me and my kids is because each day brings different things to the table. If my daughters are enduring drama with their friends at school, they may want to decompress on their iPads as soon as they get home, and dive into homework and chores later. In other cases, they may decide to get all of their work over with as soon as possible so they can relax without having any daily responsibilities hanging over their heads. Even though they’re 11 and 9, I don’t micromanage them, and I give them flexibility to figure out what works best for them on any given day.
There’s a big caveat though—the minute I see their grades slipping, or they’re sloppy with their chores, I turn into a micromanager and tell them when they will work and when they will relax until I see consistent improvement. It’s no secret that they hate living that way, and value their freedom, so they do everything possible to ensure they get to be in control.
Would my plan work with every family? Probably not, and that’s totally fine. I just think kids should be given a little rope to learn how to manage their responsibilities maturely, and if they screw up, we can nudge them in the right direction until they get it right.
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