Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
What’s the statute of limitations on a kid’s bad online behavior? I have a 12-year-old who has, luckily, always been compliant about cell phone use; our rule is that it’s “our” phone, not her phone, and as such we’re allowed to look at any time. A couple of years ago, at the height of the pandemic, a lot of her classmates formed group chats, and a few of the boys would contribute with really crude and demeaning sexual comments. A few of these remarks were racist as well (although I’m not sure the boys knew that: think “me so horny”-type stuff).
It’s two years later, and I want to acknowledge that we were in a really scary, damaging time for tween mental health, but I still don’t want my daughter hanging out with these boys! They’re not friends, but there have been a few class parties and hangouts, and I get really nervous when these boys are involved. At the same time, I’m worried that I’m being unfair to a couple of kids who were struggling just like everyone else. Should I let this one go?
—Forgive and Forget?
Dear FaF,
While kids can go through stages of bad behavior and grow out of them, I don’t see any reason to assume that the boys who were dabbling with gross, sexist language two years ago would have let it go by now. Unfortunately, it’s more likely that their offensive vocabulary has expanded even further. You can, and should, continue to monitor your daughter’s interactions with these guys. They can be on the “no” list for events at your home, and for you to be aware of when they are attending gatherings she’s going to elsewhere. Talk to her about the sort of behavior they displayed two years ago and ask if it’s still going on. There should be regular dialogues between you all about how other kids are acting in her presence and how she feels about it. You should also be talking about the sort of things that were being discussed in that group chat; ensure she knows why those comments were so offensive, and why it is important to avoid young men who conduct themselves in such a way. I understand that you may want to cut the boys some slack because it was a tough time, but your daughter made it through the pandemic without making gross, demeaning jokes that were designed to humiliate her male classmates, I assume. You don’t have to go on a whole crusade against these kids, just keep an eye out for them going forward.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife, her brother, and his wife all grew up in a rural, conservative part of their state. My wife and I are both women and when my wife came out to my BIL and SIL 10 years ago, it sparked a huge change in them. Unprompted, they starting reading books, listening to podcasts and re-thinking their politics. All of their work led them to become the absolutely incredible allies they are today. When my wife and I got married ten years ago, my BIL and SIL’s 2 kids were really young (2 and 4 years old). Now in their teens/tweens, both kids identify as part of the LGTBQ community. Here’s where I’m stuck: their oldest kid, Dana, was assigned female at birth and has identified as non-binary and used they/them pronouns for the last few years. No problem for my BIL and SIL.
Earlier this summer, I was introducing Dana to some friends and someone asked “what pronouns do you use” and Dana responded “I use he/him pronouns.” Up to this point, I’d been referring to Dana as my nibling and using they/them pronouns. After Dana shared different preferred pronouns, I quickly said “My apologies, I’ve been using they/them pronouns, do you want me to use he/him from now on?” he said yes and that was that. Later that night, I asked my BIL and SIL if they knew Dana was using he/him pronouns and they said yes they know, but that they feel it’s a phase and that all the kids in Dana’s friend group are trying to out queer each other. Which, maybe! ALL kids try on lots of identities as they grow up—and this is the first generation that’s really had the language and space to openly exist at various places on the gender and sexuality spectrum.
I’m miffed as to why Dana using he/him pronouns is a barrier for my BIL and SIL. They know and are supportive of trans people. They were quick to support Dana’s use of they/them pronouns and non-binary identity. It seems harmful to just dismiss it as “kids being kids,” even if that’s exactly what it is. How do I refer to Dana when talking to my BIL and SIL when Dana’s not around? It seems disrespectful to not use his correct pronouns, but also BIL and SIL don’t use those pronouns, so it seems pretty aggressive to start using pronouns for their child that differ from the ones they use. Is there something else I should say? My wife and I are very close to BIL and SIL, but we don’t comment on each other’s parenting—each couple parents differently than the other, which is good and fine! It seems meddlesome to bring it up many months after the fact, when we haven’t talked about it since.
—Allied Auntie
Dear AA,
It may seem meddlesome to bring this stuff up months after your last conversation, but sometimes, meddling is appropriate. When you speak to your BIL and SIL next, ask about Dana and use his preferred pronouns. If his parents continue to refer to him otherwise, you can tell them that while you understand their concerns that Dana is just going through a phase, it be harmful to dismiss his feelings and that it isn’t for them to decide what is or isn’t valid when it comes to how he chooses to identify. Yes, it is possible that Dana is in an exploratory period and he may change pronouns yet again; Dana won’t be harmed if they go along with these changes, nothing bad will happen if they start referring to him as ‘he.’ However, Dana absolutely can be harmed by the refusal to refer to him as he sees fit and to embrace his identity as he has presented it to his parents.
Also, remind these “allies” that young people deserve the space to safely figure out who they are without fear of being rejected or dismissed by their parents. By embracing Dana’s choice of ‘they/them,’ but not ‘he/him,’ they are sending a confusing message that doesn’t sound like allyship at all. They should understand that many trans and gender non-conforming people take time to establish exactly how they identify and to share that with the world. Exploring non-binary identity might have been what it took to give Dana the conviction to identify as a male.
Hopefully, your BIL and SIL will tap into those instincts they had when they decided to address their issues about queer identities and educate themselves further about the needs and experiences of trans youth, as it seems that they are raising one. You can suggest to them that they check out this document from the Movement Advancement Project, which compiles a number of helpful resources for parents of trans and gender-non conforming youth, including information on the importance of family acceptance. Good luck to you with the meddling, it’s necessary.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a sixteen-year-old girl, and I’m a junior in high school. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety a couple weeks ago, after dealing with it getting progressively worse for months without telling anyone. I’ve been having really bad suicidal thoughts (I don’t have a plan yet) and my anxiety just keeps getting worse. I started taking meds and going to cognitive behavioral therapy, but I’m so tired, and it’s so much work to try and challenge my suicidal thoughts. In therapy, we talk about some strategies for dealing with it, but I also deal with social anxiety, so it’s really hard for me to explain how I feel or what I need. Not many people know I’m dealing with this, because I still have straight A’s (while taking honors and AP classes, participating in sports, and doing multiple extracurriculars), and I’m really good at acting like I’m fine. But I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. And I just want everything to end. I know I can’t take my own life because it would destroy my family, and I don’t know how my little siblings would handle it. My parents know what’s going on to some extent, but I don’t think they realize how bad it’s gotten. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I feel so useless. I know this isn’t the right place to ask this but I don’t know what else to do. Please help.
—Exhausted and Overwhelmed
Dear EaO,
I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. As someone who has lived with depression and anxiety for many years, I can relate to your feelings. I can also tell you that the most important thing you can do for yourself right now is to talk about what’s going on. Your parents would be a really good place to start. I understand that they don’t know the extent of your struggles, but no one truly can understand what’s going on with you unless you tell them. They have taken steps in the past, it seems, to help address what you’re dealing with, and they need to be aware of how you’re feeling now so that they can support you even more. Your current therapist and doctor should be made aware too, as there may be adjustments to your medication and treatment plan that can address your ideations.
Having someone to talk to isn’t a magic wand, but it goes a long way for managing those bad thoughts. Ideally, your parents will be your go-to when you’re in a negative place, but it is also helpful to be able to call upon your friends. Perhaps you have a close friend you can open up to, too, someone you really trust who you can check in with when you’re feeling your lowest. Identify this person or these people you can check in with when your mind starts going places it shouldn’t go. It may be valuable to identify an adult at school, like a favorite teacher, whom you can talk to as well, especially if you find that you’re having these thoughts when you’re there.
Please, don’t worry about what your loved ones will think about you after you tell them what you’ve been going through. Trust that your parents, teachers, and friends have your back and that they are going to want to support you through this. Don’t hesitate any longer; let your family know what’s been going on. The sooner you do, the better you will feel. You can’t navigate this on your own, you need to lean on the people who love you.
If ever you need to talk to someone but don’t feel comfortable speaking with anyone you know, please call 988 immediately to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can call it any time of the day or night. Commit the number to memory.
I know I’m a stranger on the internet, but I know that you and your life matter. I know that there is so much left for you to look forward to, and I know that things can and will improve. You just have to hold on. I know that can feel hard, but you have to believe, for yourself, that while today may be difficult, tomorrow holds the promise of something else, something better. A big part of holding on involves having people that you can lean on when you’re feeling weak, when you’re feeling like it’s all too much. You can’t battle depression and anxiety alone—it’s got to be a team effort. Let your team know that you need them now more than ever. Wishing you the very best.
—Jamilah
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