Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband (39M) and I (34F) have two wonderful boys, ages 1 and 2. After years of infertility, we were blessed with the most perfect pair of Irish Twins, and they are our world.
My husband and I are from the same area but were raised in very different ways. I have a younger sister, and generous upper-middle class parents. Our family is very close, and we see each other at least once a week—my folks help with our childcare. The problem is with my MIL. She is a toxic, self-centered narcissist (my FIL is incredibly passive and does not stand up to her at all) and has made it very clear from the beginning how disappointed she was in having male children (she has three sons, including my husband) and has gone so far as to announce this out loud during our first (and last) joint Thanksgiving. She routinely admits how much she prefers babies over toddlers, and girls over boys, and when we announced we were having a second son, she told me, and I quote, “Wow, I’m really disappointed in you for not giving me a granddaughter.” Not sarcasm, not being facetious.
My husband has a lot of unresolved trauma from his childhood—we’re working on it—and he carries a great deal of resentment towards his parents. We see them about once a month (they claim to want to see our boys) and it always makes my husband anxious and upset, while it makes me just plain mad. I’ve tried to be gentle with my husband, saying that it’s his choice if he wants to see them, I’m willing to be the bad guy and take the blame if he doesn’t feel up for it, but his mom always guilts him into it. I do my best to stay out of it (he has asked me to refrain from commenting on his interactions with his family and I do my best to respect that) but it’s starting to impact my children, and I have no issue going full-on Mama Bear to protect my boys from her toxicity. She routinely comments on my weight, makes snide remarks about me being on antidepressants, etc. I’ve firmly told her a number of times that my body and choices are not an acceptable topic of conversation, but she ignores me.
Before we had children, I would just excuse myself from family gatherings, using work as a reason. But now I cannot, in good consciousness, leave my children with her even if my husband is there.
How do I support my husband in his (albeit reluctant) desire to still see his parents and protect my children from their awful grandmother?
—Angry Mama Bear
Dear Angry Mama Bear,
I’m angry too after reading your letter. Outside of racists and other assorted bigots, narcissists are my least favorite people. My heart goes out to you because dealing with her must be torturous.
As is the case with most narcissists, your MIL continues her behavior because nobody checks her in a way that will elicit meaningful change. Granted, I understand and respect the fact that your husband is dealing with some unresolved trauma as it pertains to his parents, and I appreciate that you’re sensitive to that. Regardless, that certainly doesn’t give her license to torment you and your kids whenever she’s around. I mean, in what universe is it OK for her (or anyone, for that matter) to comment on your weight and mental health? Not to mention, the comment about you “not giving” her a granddaughter is straight up bananas.
The first conversation that needs to take place is with your husband. You can firmly state something like, “Honey, I know you have a complicated relationship with your mom, and I’m giving you the space to handle that on your own. However, I refuse to tolerate the way she treats me and our boys because she’s affecting our mental health. I cannot suffer in silence anymore. We need to sit her down and have a conversation about ground rules going forward.”
The main point to make is this isn’t a suggestion—it’s what I like to call a “warm demand.” Compassionate but firm. Do not allow him to brush it under the rug, or kick the can down the road in an effort to avoid the conversation. This needs to happen as soon as possible, even if it means leaving the kids with your parents for an evening or weekend to drive to her house to do it.
From there, the conversation with your MIL needs to be firm (compassion here is optional, but recommended, I guess). Based on what you’re telling me about your husband, you’ll have to take the lead, and you can say, “Over the years, I’ve felt uncomfortable about your unsolicited comments about my weight, mental health, and your desire for us to ‘give’ you a granddaughter. Not only are these comments wildly inappropriate, but they’re extremely toxic to me and our children. This will not continue anymore, so I’m politely asking you to keep those words to yourself and focus on spending quality time with our kids. If you refuse to do that, then we will have no choice but to refuse to have you around our sons.”
Narcissists and gaslighting go together like peanut butter and jelly, so there’s a good chance she’ll pull some nonsense on you to paint herself as the victim. I use my favorite anti-gaslighting line often in this column; feel free to borrow it: “I was there and my feelings are not up for debate on this.”
From there, you have to stick to your word and also understand how difficult this will be on your husband. I’m assuming he’s going to therapy to help sort out his emotions, but no matter how tough it is on him, you can’t let your entire family suffer because of the way she’s treating all of you.
Hopefully she’ll get onboard and change her ways if she wants to have a relationship with her son and grandsons, but if not, you’ll have to learn how to love her from a distance.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter’s friend from preschool lives in a household with a dangerous dog. The mom has made a couple comments before about the dog’s problem behavior but downplayed it (“oh but he was just scared/playing”). When we last saw the family at the playground, the older brother had a wound with stitches on his upper arm that he said came from their dog. We’ve only ever had playdates at our house or the playground, and now I know I definitely never want my daughter to be around their dog.
What is the best way to handle it if they ever invite my daughter over? Should I request that all play dates happen at our house or the playground, or is it enough to just ask that the dog stay locked away during play dates at their house? And how do I bring this up in a way that’s less likely to cause offense and ruin the kids’ friendship?
In theory, shutting the dog away should be fine, but it’s a living creature with a mind of its own and mistakes happen—latches break, people accidentally open the wrong door, etc. It’s a strong dog breed that could do major damage. Maybe I’m being paranoid, though.
—Cautious in Charlotte
Dear Cautious,
Maybe I’m missing something here, but this is about as cut and dried of a situation that I’ve seen in this column.
To be clear, I love dogs. However, there’s no way in the world I would send my kids over to someone’s house who had a dangerous or violent dog. A friend of mine has a younger sibling who lost an eye when they were kids due to a dog who was out of control at an extended family member’s house. Trust me, that’s not something you want to deal with in your life.
Like I said, this is a pretty easy conversation. You have evidence of this dog’s behavior due to the stitches you saw on this girl’s older brother, so you can say, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable having my daughter at your house because of your dog. I would love to have her come to our house or we can meet at a playground or the mall. Let me know what you prefer.”
I totally understand how cloudy one’s mind can get when it comes to love for a dog, but if she’s being intellectually honest, she should know that bad things can happen (and have happened) with this animal. If that’s the case, then you can breathe a sigh of relief and continue without issue. In the event she gets upset or offended, you can state that it’s not personal, but your first job as a mother is to keep your child safe, and another mother should understand and respect that.
This should be an “all or nothing” thing. Don’t make demands on how the mom should treat the dog if you choose to leave your daughter there, because it’s not your house. Also, as you mentioned, even if it was locked away in a room, it could get out and potentially injure your daughter. It simply isn’t worth it. Either the kid hangs out in your house or at a neutral location where the dog isn’t present, or it doesn’t happen.
Hopefully this will be much ado about nothing, but if it’s not, you should always be unapologetic about putting your daughter’s safety first.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 8-year-old granddaughter and her younger sister, 6, frequently walk around the house nude. This goes on at family gatherings and even birthday parties. I know it makes others, especially the men, uncomfortable. When I told my granddaughter that she was really too old to be doing that her mother immediately contradicted me and said she should be proud of her body. My intent wasn’t body shaming but to encourage some sense of modesty. I worry that this is sexualizing a child and as she gets older could be risky. Am I right to be concerned?
—Protective or Prudish
Dear Protective or Prudish,
As a dad of two daughters, let me say that they were known to walk around the house naked when they were that age as they were getting dressed or about to get in or out of the shower. However, there’s no chance that I would allow them to do that in the presence of extended family members or birthday party attendees. In my opinion, there are plenty of ways to teach my daughters how to be proud of their bodies instead of walking around in the nude in front of others. Now, before I receive a bunch of hate mail, remember the key words of “in my opinion.” What happens in your granddaughters’ home or in the homes of any readers is ultimately their business — I’m just telling you that I wouldn’t roll that way.
Regarding advice, one thing I think is inarguable is protecting your granddaughters in the future. Do you know what often happens at birthday parties and family gatherings? Photos are taken. Lots of them. How would their parents feel if photos of their naked daughters somehow made it onto social media or online? Quite frankly, I would be absolutely mortified and I’m sure most parents would be as well. Not to mention, how do you think your granddaughters would feel when they become teenagers and learn that their naked childhood photos are out there? Mortified wouldn’t even come close to describing how they would most likely feel. Even if the photos never became public, it would elicit an icky sensation knowing that somebody had those pictures of them somewhere.
Can the parents ensure that everyone coming to the house doesn’t include their naked children in any photos? I guess so, but why deal with the headache? Instead, I would advise them to have the kids dressed in those situations. You can say something like, “I’m not trying to tell you how to raise your kids, but one thing to consider is that everyone is taking photos here. Do you really want them to have photos of your naked kids? Also, when your kids become older do you think they would want anyone to have naked childhood photos of them? That shouldn’t be a decision anyone should make but them.”
After you share your opinion, you’ll need to be at peace with whatever the parents decide, but hopefully that will give them some food for thought going forward.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Any suggestions/advice on how to get a 2.5-year-old to stay still for the 90 seconds it should take to run a brush/comb through her hair and pull some of it into a couple “ponies,” which she LOVES when they are done, even though they look…well, like someone was trying to do her hair while going through an impromptu obstacle course at toddler top speed.
—Symmetrical Pigtails on Toddlers Exist, Right?
Dear Symmetrical,
Back in the day I went viral for combing my daughter’s hair when she was 2.5 years old, and let me say that getting perfectly symmetrical hair can be a challenge without pulling out the stops. That means you may have to sit her down with an iPad and put on her favorite show in order to hypnotize her for the amount of time it takes to get the job done. If you’re anti-screens, pull out some Play-Doh and ask her to gently mush it around until she creates an alpaca or something. It worked for me.
Now it’s time for some unsolicited advice. I totally understand how you want your daughter’s hair to look perfect, but let’s keep it real—even if you’re good enough to have every hair in place, and there’s not even a millimeter of deviation on her pigtails, you know it will take less than a second for her to mess it all up. Putting on a shirt, taking off a shirt, laying down on a couch, or simply touching her head could make all of that hard work go to waste…or so you may think.
I would challenge you to change your perspective on this. Kids at that age really don’t care about how their hair looks — they just care that her parents care enough about her to try. Instead of focusing on perfection, focus on the incredible bonding time you’re spending with her. Many of my adult female friends fondly remember their dads or moms doing their hair when they were young, and not one of them mentioned anything about symmetry. It’s all about the time being spent together and nothing else.
Feel free to use the tips I provided earlier, but you said that she loves when her hair is done regardless of how it looks, right? Don’t forget that the bond you’re creating is by far the most important aspect of this.
—Doyin
