Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 3-year-old child whom I’ll refer to as “J.” While I was at work, somehow “the Trolley Problem” came up. You know, the exercise in applied ethics that asks if you should turn the lever to redirect a trolley that’s about to hit five people to instead hit a singular person on the other track.
Well, J likes to play with a train set, and after dinner, I was playing with J, and I thought to try out the trolley problem. We got some Lego figures, put them on the tracks, and I told J that the train was going to hit these five people, but J could switch tracks if J is willing to have the other person crushed. J looked at me, then at the tracks, and then very seriously picked up the lone figure and put it on the track with the other five. Then J took the train, ran over all six of them, turned to me, and said, very seriously, “it was a bad accident.”
I’m now worried I’m raising a budding psychopath. Actively seeking to increase harm and playing it off as nothing is almost definitionally malevolent, and I don’t know what to do about it. Can I save my child?
— Trouble with Toddlers
Dear Trouble with Toddlers,
I think you may be overreacting a bit here. I don’t know what kind of conversations you all have had about the permanence of death just yet, but it is entirely possible that a 3-year-old wouldn’t understand the seriousness of this scenario. Furthermore, I don’t know exactly what you were trying to accomplish by asking such a young child to ponder a difficult moral quandary that adults have been debating for years. What if they’d gone to bed and had nightmares about train crashes and people being run over? How might a 3-year-old grapple with the idea of deciding who lives and dies? I just don’t see any value in putting such a challenge before a toddler, and I’m not surprised that they gave you a less than pleasing answer. Running Lego people over, even gleefully, doesn’t mean that your child has some kind of indifference towards human suffering. It says to me “I’m 3, and what you’re asking of me is too much.”
That said, you can continue to monitor your child’s attitudes towards death and harm to ensure they’re developing a healthy understanding of suffering, viewing it as something bad that shouldn’t be wished upon people under most circumstances. This incident may remain in the back of your mind, and that’s okay, but I don’t think you should take it as a red flag. It’s age-appropriate behavior. I strongly suggest that in the future, your line of questioning be age-appropriate as well.
Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Jamilah Each Week
From this week’s letter, Help! I’m Not Sure I Can Trust My Brother Around My Kids Anymore: “I’m not comfortable with him around the kids, let alone in their bathing suits.”
Dear Care and Feeding,
There is a girl in my daughter’s grade that is generally on the periphery of the social scene. During parties, Girl Scouts, and social events, she keeps to herself (whether she wants to or feels she has to, I cannot tell). from what I gather, this has been the way since Kindergarten. We moved to the area last year, and I immediately took a liking to this girl. I felt that her interests and my daughter’s were similar, so I arranged a playdate. It went wonderfully. However, my daughter has expressed concern that some of the other girls may treat her differently should they learn of the playdate. I replied that I understood her worry, but that a true friend would not do such a thing. She instead should try to focus on how much fun she had and how happy she felt to be with the aforementioned classmate. My question is, how do I explain this to her in an age-appropriate way? I worry she’ll isolate her peer for the sake of appeasing other classmates, and I do not want that for her or this other little girl.
— Can’t We All Get Along
Dear Get Along,
I think your explanation was age-appropriate. Continue to talk to your daughter about this and introduce the idea of character. What kind of person does she want to be? Someone who is a good and loyal friend, or someone who is willing to hurt someone in order to fit in with others? Invite her to be empathetic to this other girl, and to think about how she might feel if she didn’t so easily find her place socially. Remind her that she’s had a great time with this friend, and that she may be able to help the other kids see what they are missing by leaving her out. Also let her know how you would feel if you were to learn that she neglected this friendship in the presence of her classmates: disappointed.
Let your daughter know that you understand peer pressure, and that you know it can be difficult to be the one to go against the crowd. However, the stakes are high here: There is a girl, whom she enjoys spending time with, who deserves to have a friend and to be treated as well as anyone else. She has a responsibility to do the right thing, tough as it may be. Hopefully, she’ll make you proud.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
· If you missed Thursday’s column, read it here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!
Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner and I are both 30, both women, and looking forward to starting our family. We’ve been together for the better part of a decade and have spent a lot of time talking about parenting. My partner is disabled, not in any way that would stop her from taking care of our children but in a way that does mean I, out of necessity, have to be the primary breadwinner. But as neither of us want to be “old” parents, we need to start having kids in the next year or so.
Here’s my fear. How do I bond deeply with my children as a mother if I’m working and still pull my weight around the house? My hours are pretty normal for office work, but there is a bit of commute on either end, and I worry that my kids will only see me on the weekends. I’m afraid that I’ll be a “sometimes” parent, and our kids will only ever go to my partner when they need something. Worse, if I prioritize time with the kids while I’m home above all else, am I dumping all the domestic duties on my partner and failing her? At the same time, I need to be realistic, I only have so much battery myself and if burn out, there’s really no fall back.
This is stressing me out and holding me back in a moment of intense change.
— Don’t Wanna Be a ‘50s Dad
Dear Don’t Wanna,
You can work outside the home during the week and still maintain a strong bond with your children; you’ll simply have to be intentional about scheduling time for quality interactions with your family (and including yourself in the division of household duties). Rituals will become important; perhaps you eat breakfast with the kids every day before work, and take a brief walk with them each evening when you come home. It might make sense for you to lead the bedtime routine since the majority of the day was guided by your partner. Your time during the week may be limited, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t be meaningful.
Your children should also be raised to understand that your time at work is in service to the family, and that they are always your priority, even when you aren’t around. When you are there, you’ll be attentive, affectionate and essential—and you don’t have to abandon the kids to take out the trash, wash dishes, and do a load of laundry. You may be doing less of the domestic work, but you can still pull your weight around the house and be a present mommy.
There’s no official guidebook to making sure you’re an effective parent. You and your partner will have to work together to create a life for your children that works for the two of you, and if having a strong bond with your kids is your priority, you will make that happen. That isn’t to say that it will always be easy, or that there aren’t ways in which your kids may feel a different sort of attachment to the parent whom they see most often. But the most important thing is to commit yourself to doing all that you can to bond with your children as often as you can. Let them see how much they matter to you, and you’ll all benefit in the end. Wishing you and your partner all the best on your journey.
Want Advice From Care and Feeding?
Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a divorced father of three I was in the military for almost three decades and spent about half of my youngest son’s life away from him. Two years ago, I was able to get posted in the same town as him, and shared him 50/50 of the time with his mother.
I remarried, and my new wife and her son migrated to the U.S. Although our initial plan was to all settle down in the U.S. once I retired from the military, that plan didn’t work out. Without going into personal details, my wife and I made the hard decision to reverse the migration, and move to her home country once I retired. This wasn’t an easy decision, but suffice it to say, we made the best decision for our family for both personal and financial reasons. We wanted my youngest son to come live with us for a couple of years, and then return to his mother prior to starting eighth grade. That way he could get the life experience of living in another country, but then transition into high school back in the U.S. Unfortunately, his mother would not allow him to come with us. Furthermore, she had a long talk with him and highlighted all the negatives of moving to a new country. He is now convinced that he will never want to come live with us.
About two weeks after I moved, I got a call from my son, who was in tears. He talked about how I betrayed him and abandoned him. He cried as he told me he was upset because I chose my wife over him. He didn’t pull any punches. It was a heartbreaking and gut retching conversation that left me in tears afterward. This phone call coincided with a breakdown in legal mediation between his mother and me over alimony and my employment status. I don’t know if it’s related, but it feels like it may be.
He hasn’t talked to me since. I text all of my kids every day wishing them a good morning and asking about their day. I never get a reply from him, even though I can see he’s read the texts. I try to call him at least twice a day, and he never answers. I am at a total loss on what to do. I could engage his mother and make him talk to me—but that seems like it would create more resentment. I can just continue to send him daily texts so he knows I still love him and that I think about him. Or I could treat him like he is treating me, and just go silent. It may make him realize how mean he is being, but it could also backfire and reinforce the no communication.
On a personal level, I am heartbroken and devastated. In a couple of months, I’m going to have to commit a great deal of money for me to either visit him or him to come here over New Years—which feels like a lot for someone who isn’t talking to me. I’d like to try and start healing prior to the visit, otherwise it will be very awkward and probably a waste of money. Thank you for any advice you can give me in order to repair the relationship with my son.
— Devastated Dad
Dear Devastated Dad,
I am sorry that things have gone the way that they have, but I think you should be able to understand exactly why your son feels the way that he does. You were gone for half of his life, and not long after he finally had you on a regular basis, you moved to another country with another child. How could he not view this as you choosing your wife (and stepson) over him? It seems that your youngest child has never been your top priority, and he’s well aware of that. How or why would he feel loved by you? Because you text him?
Did you talk to your ex-wife at all about your son living with you before you decided to relocate? You say you made “the best decision for your family for personal and financial reasons,” but if you had not secured agreement for your youngest to join you, then it obviously wasn’t the best decision for your whole family. It’s unfortunate that your contentious relationship and ongoing alimony battle are making this more difficult, but I’m sure it isn’t lost on your ex either that you have operated without prioritizing your little one; asking her to go without her child so that you and your wife could live where you see fit is a clear example of that. Even if he had come with you and stayed until eighth grade, that would still mean that for the majority of his life, you were not in the picture. Imagine how he feels knowing that someone else’s child has access to you while he does not.
I don’t know if the outcome you want, in which your son forgives and maintains a strong relationship with you, is possible. I’m also a little concerned that the selfishness that guided you to plan a life that did not prioritize raising your own kid will stand in the way of repairing what, if anything, can be fixed here. You also worry that it might be a “waste of money” to see him if he isn’t going to warm up to you. Tell me how on earth could it ever be a “waste” for you to lay eyes on your own child? I’m not attempting to make light of your financial situation, but some things are bigger than money.
You should keep sending those daily text messages. You should keep calling your son, and when you do talk to him, you need to apologize for how you have failed as his father. No matter how you rationalize your decision-making (and you should try and help him understand your choices, be clear), you chose a path that made it so that you cannot raise your son. I don’t know if there’s any room for reconsidering where you and your wife live, but your child deserves to have you in the States, accessible to him and regularly participating in his life.
I think you should also let your ex know that you really want to have a better relationship with your son, and that you would appreciate her support in making that happen. Hopefully, she can put her issues with you to the side in order to help encourage better communication with him. However, I don’t want you to delude yourself into thinking there’s a simple solution here, or to assume that your son must forgive you for your absence in his life. You’re essentially at his mercy here, and I think you know why. I hope you are able to do what truly needs to be done in order to get good with your boy.
— Jamilah
