Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I have this co-worker, “Vanessa,” who’s always had a weirdly competitive attitude towards me. I have no idea why, unless she resents that I’m at least as skilled and valued an employee as she is, despite not being skinny or “hot.” Our company’s summer picnic was our first in-person family party since pre-COVID, and Vanessa met my husband for the first time. Since then, she has not shut up about how cute he is and the things she’d like to do to him. I suspect this is partly if not solely to screw with me, since my husband does not seem like Vanessa’s usual type. I would go to HR, except our HR manager is a close friend of Vanessa’s, so I’m afraid that might impact me worse than her.
Vanessa and her long-term boyfriend are in an open relationship, a fact she is extremely candid about. She wants me to tell my husband that she’d like to have a threesome with him and one of her hot, younger girlfriends. She swears this would just be a one-time thing and completely consensual and aboveboard. If I won’t tell him, she wants me to give her his cell number so she can get in touch with him herself. She keeps repeating that if I won’t at least let her put the offer to him, it means I don’t trust him and my marriage is a sham.
Prudie, my husband and I have been married 13 years, we have three kids under 10, we love each other to death, we’re monogamous and have always been faithful … but I can’t be 1000 percent sure he’d say no to a one-time threesome with two gorgeous women if I left it completely up to him. Is there any merit at all to Vanessa’s assertions that this means we’re better off divorced? What should I do?
— Trouble Trusting This
Dear Trouble Trusting,
If Vanessa in fact resents you for doing your job while not being skinny and wants to mess with you as a result, well 1) that’s disgusting, and 2) she’s unfortunately succeeded. The fact that you’re even considering this absolutely unhinged bully’s view of your marriage is evidence that this situation is way out of control, and you need a reset.
First step: Put a stop to this. Here’s your script. “Vanessa, I’ve been entertaining your comments for too long. I want you to know that what you’ve said about having sex with husband makes me uncomfortable and is totally inappropriate for work. Please limit your conversations with me to professional matters and don’t mention my relationship or my personal life again.” If you truly don’t trust HR, I’ll take your word for it. But document your exchange with her just in case you do need to get someone else involved in the future. Because this feels a lot like it’s getting into sexual harassment territory, and if it doesn’t stop, you may need to take more aggressive action.
Next step: Get a hold of yourself. You have allowed her to walk all over you and make you question your marriage, despite knowing, on some level, that her motivation is to harm you. You need to speak to someone who has your best interest in mind—whether it’s a close friend, your husband, or a therapist—to reassure yourself that a random, disturbed work frenemy doesn’t have any standing to determine the fate of your marriage.
Dear Prudence,
I am attending a wedding with a formal dress code. I don’t know the bride very well, none of us do. The groom is a longtime friend of my husband and our circle of friends. We are happy to attend, but the dress code makes me nervous. I have never attended a formal event before and I bought a dress for the occasion. Now, I’m scared to be overdressed. I don’t feel close enough to the bride to ask her advice and besides, it is too late now.
I have to admit the dress is gorgeous. Navy blue with a champagne jupon. Age appropriate (I’m 45), discreet accessories, sober shoes. Thing is: Is this what she meant by formal or did I go a bit too far? To me, it feels like I’m dressed for the red carpet or a ball at Versailles. On the other hand, my husband is one of the groomsmen, and I know how much he had to pay for his suit. I felt a pressure to match the price range. I may have taken that as a guide for my own shopping. Was I wrong? Is it better to be underdressed or overdressed at such an event?
— Overdressed in Montreal
Dear Overdressed,
Google “formal wedding guest dresses” and see if yours looks reasonably similar to the images that pop up. I’m sure it will. Also, even if it’s a little too formal: Not a big deal. (Too white? Potentially a problem. Too revealing? Maybe something guests will whisper about. But the worst thing people are going to think about you being “too formal” for a formal wedding is “Wow she looks really nice … I wonder when they’re going to cut the cake.” Yes, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m convinced most wedding guests spend significant energy anticipating the cake.) While I don’t think matching the price range is necessarily the right way to think about this, it is better to be overdressed than to be underdressed. It shows you care.
That said, it sounds like you’re super anxious about how you’ll look. If you go through the Googling exercise and you still don’t feel comfortable, don’t wear the gorgeous gown. Not because you shouldn’t, but because you’ll be all preoccupied, taking stock of everyone else’s clothes and trying to figure out if anyone is wearing a jupon (full disclosure: I had to look up “jupon”) as ornate as yours, or if you’re the only one who looks like you’re going to a ball at Versailles when you’re supposed to be listening to your husband’s groomsman speech and small-talking about how beautiful the bride looks. This will ruin the evening for you.
But can I weigh in on a larger issue, too? Men are allowed to communicate about weddings. Your husband is close friends with the groom. You know the “Hey, is this the look you were thinking of when you set the formal dress code?” text you might have sent if you were close to the bride? He could have fired that off to his friend, who is one of the two people in charge of the vision for this event. And you could have had a quick, clear answer. In fact, you still could!
How to Get Advice From Prudie
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) Join the live chat every Monday at noon (and submit your comments) here.
Dear Prudence,
The time has come for us to submit photos to our senior yearbook. Our friend group has pretty bad luck with taking photos, and we have very few good ones. I was scrolling through and I found the needle in the haystack photo: all of us are included, it’s fairly recent, and we all look pretty good. I sent it to the group chat, and everyone loves it and wants to use it except for “Gemma.”
Gemma is not letting us use it because of a relatively minor concern with how she looks in it (think being a bit bloated after a meal). I understand that we all have our insecurities and am against using the photo if she is this uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what other options I have. I truly wouldn’t even suggest the photo if I thought it was unflattering to anyone, and everyone in our group is saying over and over again how great she looks in it. All the ones she suggests don’t include everyone, and I don’t want to exclude someone else from the photo because Gemma is being a bit difficult.
We’ve tried reasoning with her (she looks great, the photo will be super tiny on the page, we can dim it) but she is firmly against it. I don’t want to put a picture in without her as that would feel a bit shady (we are really close), and I don’t have enough space for two. The deadline is nearing, and I don’t know if I should bother talking to her or if I’m really in the wrong here. What should I do?
— Not Smiling for the Cameras
Dear Not Smiling,
Gemma is going to look back at this picture years from now and realize she looked fantastic and have a major moment of regret around not appreciating it at the time. She’s going to wish it was both in the yearbook and on a large billboard. But there’s nothing you can do to get her to see that now. Find a different picture—or better yet, make a collage that combines photos that everyone in the group loves. And put this one in a frame in your bedroom.
Meanwhile, remember that while end-of-high-school traditions can feel hugely consequential, you have already made the memories that are going to stay with you forever. And whether your friendships survive and thrive into adulthood will depend on the energy you put into staying connected when you all go your separate ways. In other words, worry less about how you’re all pictured together and more about how you really are together. That could start with honoring Gemma’s wishes now, even if you think she’s being unreasonable. You have my permission to tell her “I told you so” at your 20-year reunion, when I’m sure she’ll happily allow you to submit the shot to the slideshow.
Dear Prudence,
A close childhood friend of mine, “Anna,” has been struggling with infertility. We both married our spouses in early 2019, and they began trying for a baby on their honeymoon. My husband and I held off due to the pandemic and started trying after we’d received our COVID-19 jabs. We were fortunate to get pregnant right away. Unfortunately, Anna has had the opposite experience and has since tried multiple rounds of IVF. I have tried to keep my pregnancy updates, details about our baby boy, and talk about becoming a mum as infrequent as possible. I purposely don’t bring up my son as often as I would with other friends in order to be sensitive to her feelings. She claims she’s happy for me, but it’s hard for her to hear about my pregnancy and newborn, which I understand.
Before I had my son, she was forthcoming about her infertility struggles, and I provided a shoulder to lean on and ear to listen whenever she wanted to talk. I checked in on how she was doing regularly, and have continued to do so, but ever since my son was born she has shut me out. She met him once when he was a few weeks old but shortly after had another unsuccessful round of IVF. I have tried to contact her many times about a funny program or good book I’ve read (any topics far from mum life/pregnancy) and have seemingly been ghosted. If she responds she’s quite short. My heart hurts for her and I really, really miss my friend. There’s nothing I want more than for her to have the pregnancy and motherhood experience she so desires. But I’m at a loss as to how to proceed.
We have had a chat where I told her I wanted to be sensitive to her circumstances and have tried to initiate conversations without bringing up my son or how much my life has changed. It’s been difficult, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression, which I felt I was unable to confide in her as I would never want to cause her any additional hurt or pain. I have since opened up to her about my diagnosis and mental health, but it was a difficult conversation. Throughout my pregnancy I felt overwhelming guilt and anxiety at having gotten pregnant so quickly and even more so now that my son is nearly four months old. Aside from a birth announcement, I have avoided sharing photos and updates of my son on social media, as she has mentioned in the past that pregnancy and baby posts are difficult for her. I’m currently on leave through the end of the year and am therefore unable to facilitate the typical back and forth regarding work, though I’ve made it a point to ask how her recent promotion has been going.
It’s been nearly a month since we last spoke, and our phone conversation was awkward and stilted at best. She has not responded to my messages since. What can I do to mend our relationship? I’m hesitant to have another “I’m here for you” chat as she has expressed she does not want sympathy and prefers I not ask how she’s faring. Yet my attempts at otherwise innocuous conversation have been met with a brick wall. We have been close since primary school, I consider her to be the sister I never had, and I really don’t want this to end our decades-old friendship.
— New Mum Missing Her Best Friend
Dear New Mum,
When I started reading your question I was like, “Oh good, I have a few ideas here: Check in on her to see how she’s doing. Share that you’re having a difficult time too. Minimize the baby updates. Remind her that you’re there for her. Talk about lighthearted stuff. Ask about other important areas of her life.” And then … it turned out that you’d already tried them all. This is really tough.
So, I want to suggest a script that gets at all the issues you’ve mentioned about how much you value the relationship, but also puts the ball a little more in her court. “Hi Friend, it’s been a while since we talked. I know you’re doing through so much with infertility and IVF right now, and I’ve been dealing with my own struggles with my mental health. I just want to say I miss you so much, and I don’t want us to drift apart during this hard time. But I also don’t want to put any pressure on you to stay in touch if it’s too difficult. So I’m going to keep checking in with you every once in a while about non-baby stuff, just to let you know I’m thinking about you. If you don’t reply, it’s okay. If that annoys you let me know, otherwise I’ll just keep reminding you that I’m here. And whenever you are feeling like talking about light or heavy topics, or if you need something from me, just reach out and know that we can pick up where we left off the minute you’re ready.”
Then, to the extent you can, put this aside. I know it’s hard, but you can’t force her to want to be close right now. And you don’t want your relationship (or lack thereof) with her to dominate this time in your life. Allow her retreat to make room for other people who would love to be close to you and support you during what’s been a really challenging period.
You’ve spent a lot of time focused on her feelings and struggles, but you also have your own very legitimate ones, and you deserve the same kind of extremely thoughtful support that you’ve been offering up.
Dear Prudence Uncensored
Help! My Oldest Friend Has Shut Me Out Now That I’m a Mom.
Jenée Desmond-Harris and friends discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.
Dear Prudence,
“Jane” and I have been friends for almost 20 years, the longest I’ve ever kept a friendship going. We have a number of interests in common, but our core values do tend to be different. I’m a bleeding-heart liberal, pansexual, polyamorous woman; and she’s conservative, traditionally Christian, and straight. I valued her friendship because of these differences, and because we could discuss them respectfully. And because she’s a compassionate person, who can accept people who disagree with her.
Or, so I thought. I recently got an email from her saying that we should part ways as friends because our core values are too far apart. She even gave examples that include some hurtful assumptions on her part—I have no idea what I could have said that makes her think I’m against free speech—as well as some that make me wonder if she ever really knew me. I sent her a reply telling her that I don’t like it but she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do, and that I hope she has a good life. But the more I think about it, the more I want to talk to her about it. This is all complicated by the fact that she suffers from manic-depression, and this coming out of the blue makes me worry that she’s having a meltdown. I have no way of getting in touch with her family or I’d give them a heads-up to check on her and leave it at that. Do I try to contact her to ask if she’s okay? Do I try to have a discussion and salvage a relationship I think is worth saving? Or do I just process the loss and let it go?
— Not Ready to Say Goodbye
Dear Say Goodbye,
Well, you valued her because she could accept people who disagreed with her. But now she can’t. So the best case scenario, if you’re able to salvage this relationship, is that you have a friend who doesn’t actually have the qualities you think she had and who has said she doesn’t respect your values, and that friend may be having a meltdown that you’re powerless to help with. I don’t know that you actually have the option to salvage the relationship, even if you very much wanted to. Let it go.
Give Prudie a Hand in “We’re Prudence”
Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. Every Thursday in this column, we’ll post a question that has her stumped. This week’s tricky situation is below. Join the conversation about it on Twitter with Jenée @jdesmondharris on Thursday, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.
Dear Prudence,
My partner and I were lucky to find a home in a sleepy neighborhood, with mostly nice and friendly neighbors. We’re not super social people, but we’ve enjoyed getting to know our neighbors, and feel glad to have largely positive friendships with folks close by who can sometimes lend a cup of flour, pick up a piece of mail, or water your plants when you’re out of town for a few days. We are, of course, happy to return these favors and are often asked to house or pet-sit for neighbors who are away.
The problem is one household who we pet-sit for. These are otherwise kind and reasonable people, but it has become clear that they don’t place a lot of value on hygiene in their home or for their animals. Think: bugs in the pet food, dried up feces on the floor, litter pans and food dishes crusted over, open bags of used litter sitting around, stacks of papers falling, and more. We’re asked to pet-sit more than a dozen times a year, and this problem is escalating to the point where it’s upsetting to see and smell their animals living in such conditions. It seems like the health of the animals is declining as well. Sometimes we’re asked to pet-sit for weeks at a time!
What can be done in this situation so we don’t ruin the relationship with these neighbors? We don’t mind the occasional pet-sitting, but this has become uncomfortable and troubling given the frequency with which we’re asked to help out. If it’s rude to comment on other people’s parenting, it’s probably rude to say something about how they keep their home and animals–right? What’s a socially acceptable way to move forward here, knowing we’re going to get another spur of the moment text to pet-sit soon?
— Smelly House, Why Aren’t They Cleaning You?
Dear Prudence,
I am a man in my mid-twenties. Over the years I have joined a spiritual community in which we are able to ask someone to be our spiritual mentor. My mentor and I have had a close relationship over many years and developed a friendship as a result. One thing I have always struggled with was my body image. While I was only slightly overweight in middle school, I was constantly made fun of for being fat. This created much anxiety in me. Friends and family would make fun of my weight in public, monitor my food intake, and tell me how what I would eat would make me gain weight. Despite getting into weight training and losing the weight, these comments continued well into my twenties. As a result, I began to develop an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise where I would over-exercise to the point of injury, and have incredible anxiety over having a cookie. I would not go out to eat at restaurants, and I would obsess over how much I ate or how I looked. Last year, I realized how much control this had had over my life and truly began to change my relationship with food. I saw that my view of my body was distorted, especially as I was in very good shape and had weighed the same since high school (165-170 lbs.). Where before eating a piece of bread would cause me to emotionally spiral, I now enjoy all types of food and now go by moderation as opposed to rigid diets. I feel much happier as a result as well because I love food! I still get the occasional comment of being fat by strangers, which I attribute to their own issues now. I feel that I made a lot of progress!
My mentor had been instrumental in helping me with my distorted issues around my body and I was incredibly thankful. Until recently, that is: I was over at his house when his partner asked me a question about pizza. When I enthusiastically shared with him a recommendation, my mentor called out that if I kept eating pizza I was going to get fat when I am older especially because I was short (I’m 5’9”). I was dumbstruck. I said that my eating habits work for me, and I feel as if I have it under control. He began to argue with me. I could feel myself getting angry, and I said that we could agree to disagree about my eating habits and I quickly left. A couple of days later I called him and said that I felt hurt by his comment as this was an issue I still was working through. He got upset with me and said I was overreacting to an offhand comment he had made and that I obviously have not recovered in this area of my life. Afterwards, he said we could not hang out together since I am too sensitive to offhand comments. I ended up ending the mentor relationship later over some of his bigoted viewpoints, however I am still haunted. Was I overreacting to this entire situation? How can I even tell?
— A Weighty Issue
Dear Weighty Issue,
I don’t know what one has to do to become a “spiritual mentor,” but I can’t imagine that “making your mentee feel worse” and “being cruel in response to totally reasonable feedback” are part of the job. In fact, I’m pretty sure these things should be disqualifying. And he has other bigoted views, too?? Uh, no, you didn’t overreact.
This guy was a fraud and a bad person. It sounds like you’ve done amazing work to overcome the abuse you endured around food and your body. The way you stood up for yourself is a testament to that. Keep doing what you’re doing, and take what you need from this spiritual community while remembering that the other people in it are only human and shouldn’t be listened to over your own instincts and hard-won wisdom.
Classic Prudie
My grandmother once had a diamond necklace that was a family heirloom. My grandfather, who didn’t know how to keep things in his pants, ended up giving it to one of his mistresses. My grandmother mourned the loss of the necklace until the day she died. Recently, I happened to stumble across the necklace, or what I think is the necklace, on eBay. I questioned my grandfather and contacted the seller, and both parties think it’s possible this necklace belonged to my grandmother …
