Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years. Each Sunday, we dive into the Dear Prudie archives and share a selection of classic letters with our readers. Join Slate Plus for even more advice columns.
Dear Prudence,
In the summer of 2011 my wife and I purchased a top-of-the-line Jopen vibrator. We used it a few times and were just beginning to really integrate it into our sex lives when my wife died suddenly of a heart attack. (The vibrator had nothing to do with that.) Now, more than a year later, I’ve begun to date again. I’ve met a woman with an open mind, and I’m thinking she might be interested in using the vibrator. But I’m not sure how, or whether, to suggest it. Is it creepy to offer a dead woman’s vibrator to someone else? And if so what else can I do with it? Sell it on Craigslist? It’s an expensive piece of equipment, barely used, and it should be employed (and loved) once again. All of my wife’s other major possessions found wonderful new homes with dear friends of hers. But then again, a vibrator’s got a different—well, vibe about it. Sell it, toss it, or share it?
Talk about a buzz kill. I can’t even imagine raising the idea of asking your new squeeze to party with a vibrator “loved” by your late wife. Even if you’ve cleaned it off with antibacterial toy cleaning spray, this suggestion is going to cause unnecessary friction. I understand there is a piece of equipment, one permanently attached to you, that has been washed and used again with your new love. But paradoxically, intimate inanimate objects can feel more personal, and sharing certain ones would likely make anyone shudder. If just before her death your wife had bought a $140 Philips Sonicare HX6932/10 electric toothbrush, offering it to your girlfriend would make her gag. The Vanity by Jopen is also $140, comes in magenta, and its motor is apparently so powerful that when the user comes she’s probably magenta herself. But imagine trying to explain to your girlfriend that your wife only had a short time to enjoy her Jopen before her heart gave out—unrelated to the use of this equipment. There’s the rub: you don’t actually want to have that conversation. As for selling it on Craigslist, yes it’s possible that could find the vibrator a new home. But I would not want to meet the kind of person who would ring my bell in order to get a used vibrator. I understand you consider your Jopen investment-grade, but sometimes expenses just can’t be recouped. —Emily Yoffe
From: “Help! My Wife Hardly Used Her Vibrator Before She Died. Can I Give It to My New Girlfriend?” (March 14, 2013)
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been married to a wonderful woman and mother of our three kids for 25 years. Our kids are all adults now and have moved away. I’ve come to realize over the last five years that I don’t love my wife. I don’t hate her—she’s my best friend. But I have zero feelings for her. She’s put on 50 pounds over the last 10 years, which is a major turnoff. We haven’t had sex in five years due to this. I want to be happy, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I just feel like I’m on the treadmill of life going nowhere real fast. What to do?
Wait, do you not love her anymore, or did she put on 50 pounds? Because those are two different things! I’m also a little unclear on how you can have “zero feelings” for someone you consider your best friend.
Let’s put aside the weight gain for the moment, which I think is a bit of a red herring, because you don’t say that if it weren’t for that, you’d be happily married. You think she’s wonderful, but the strongest feeling you can muster for her is “I don’t object to your continued existence.” You haven’t slept together in five years, you feel like you’re going nowhere, but you don’t want to hurt her feelings.
I think you are going to have to hurt them, unfortunately. You do not love your wife, you do not want to sleep with her, and you do not want to be married to her any longer. It’s a painful truth, and you should try to tell her as kindly and as sensitively as you can, but you’re not doing her any favors by pretending to have romantic feelings you no longer possess. I don’t see a lot of hope for this marriage to turn around, but maybe a jolt of honesty will help the two of you figure out if there’s any way for the two of you to work things out, or whether it’s time to part. —Danny M. Lavery
From: “Help! My Wife Is Wonderful, but She Gained 50 Pounds and I Have No Feelings for Her.” (Dec. 14, 2015)
Dear Prudence,
I recently moved to a neighborhood where it’s relatively common for people to allow their dogs to roam the neighborhood freely—a practice that seems outrageous to me. There is one dog in particular that keeps showing up in my yard. Though he is very sweet, he is not neutered, does not have a collar or microchip, and was filthy and covered in fleas when I found him. He seems to be well-fed and otherwise healthy. I took the dog in, put up a few lost dog signs, and learned from another concerned neighbor who the owners are. He said they have ignored his repeated requests to keep their dog on a leash, and he witnessed several near-accidents as cars swerved to avoid the dog. Should I give this dog to a good home? My gut says this is the right thing to do, but I’m worried that I’m stealing a dog from a family. On the other hand, if I find this dog dead in the street in two weeks I will feel responsible.
I’m reluctant to give anyone advice that boils down to “Steal the dog,” and yet I think you might have to steal this dog. Normally I’d suggest that since you know who the owners are, you might consider getting in touch with them and letting them know you’re worried about their dog’s safety and are trying to find a good home for him. But you’ve already put up lost dog signs and haven’t heard a word from them, so I think you’ve done your due diligence. I think you can find a safer home for him with a clear conscience; it sounds as if they’re about as interested in recovering their dog as they were in taking care of him when they had him. —E.Y.
From: “Help! Should I Dognap My Neighbors’ Neglected Pup?” (Dec. 17, 2015)
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been in a wonderful relationship with a man I adore for the last 14 months. We have a fantastic sex life and have sex at least four to five times a week. One day about six weeks ago, we had sex twice during the day, and then I went out with friends for a girls’ night. When I came home, I found my lover furiously masturbating to a soft-core porno on TV. I was more than happy to help him finish, but the next day—after another morning go-around—I had some time to think and worried whether I am enough for him. When we discussed the issue, he completely put me at ease saying all the right things, but I was still shocked when he told me he still masturbates once a day, even on days we have sex. Stupidly, I blurted out that he’s behaving like an adolescent. He was hurt, and I immediately apologized and suggested that whenever he has that need for release, I could be his muse at any time. Well, he’s taken me up on that offer. Prudie, I feel like we are having sex all the time now. If it’s not intercourse, I’m providing oral or my hand. Seriously, the man can go all the time. It was fun and all at first, but now I’m getting concerned he has some medical problem. How can I tell him I need to recant this offer and take it back down to our previous frequency?
I don’t think you have to worry about a medical problem. It sounds like you have a high libido and he has a very high libido, and once upon a time you had a balance that worked for the two of you. You tried to make up for a thoughtless comment with a blanket promise, and now you’d like to take it back.
Which is fine! It’s only been a month or so that you’ve been joining in his masturbation. It’s not as if you’re asking him to give up your sex life altogether; you simply want to return to the state of your first year-plus, in which you were perfectly happy having near-daily sex. Tell him you made that promise without realizing how much you were offering and that you’re happy to let him masturbate by himself for the most part again. (Don’t tell him you worried he had a medical condition; who knows what you’d end up promising after he heard that one.) —D.L.
From: “Help! I Moved to Dubai and Told My Parents I’m in Tokyo.” (Nov. 19, 2015)
More Advice From Dear Prudence
My wife’s younger sister has at times flirted with me, which my wife has laughed off, even when her sister said something about wanting to have my baby. Well, this sister just got kicked out by their parents, and at the moment is living with us.
