Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My husband likes the romantic gesture of gifting me red roses. He likes to send them to me at work for occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. I love receiving flowers. I always thank him and appreciate the gift. I’ve also explained that I don’t like receiving flowers at work because I’m embarrassed by the unwanted attention this causes from coworkers. And, I’ve expressed that something other than red roses are my preference—a preference widely discussed and shared in his extended family, people who are into flowers. Still, many times he sends me red roses, sometimes at work. Every time, he mentions that he knows I don’t like it. I reassure him I appreciate the gesture. Then he keeps bringing it up, creating conversations that leave me saying again that despite my preferences, of course I find it so nice that he sent me the flowers, and how lovely they are. I’m left feeling deflated and manipulated. This is a great example of a behavior pattern prevalent in our relationship. Sometimes it really gets me down. Am I the asshole?
— Over the Roses
Dear Over the Roses,
You’re not the asshole. You could actually stand to be a little bit more of an asshole to get your point across. Do you hear the difference between: “Roses aren’t my favorite, and I don’t love getting flowers at work but I appreciate the gesture, thank you so much!” and “Thank you. But roses really aren’t my favorite, and I’ve told you before that I don’t like receiving flowers at work because of all the unwanted attention. I would really love it if next time you got me a different type of flower and gave it to me at home.”
Just let that negative note at the end linger. I know it’s uncomfortable. I know he might get upset. Resist the urge to follow up and say how lovely the gesture was. He’s counting on you doing that so he can continue to feel good about doing things you don’t like. It sounds like his refusal to respect your wishes is a pattern. I would suggest a broader conversation about that, and not on a day when flowers have been delivered.
Dear Prudence,
My husband, our two young kids, and I recently relocated to a new state for work. We are all enjoying the upgrade from our shoebox city apartment—fresh air, more space, and a welcoming neighborhood. We were delighted to find that our neighbors have kids slightly older than ours and they have been constant playmates with the warm weather.
The kids are at an age where they’re becoming increasingly independent and no longer need us to chaperone playdates, so haven’t yet spent time with the parents socially aside from small talk in our respective yards as the kids come and go. In light of recent events, we learned that these neighbors are gun owners. Politics aside, this makes me uneasy. I do not yet know how they store their firearms, but I want to ensure that they are secured before allowing the kids to play in their house unsupervised.
I am not willing to compromise on my children’s safety, but also don’t want to ruin a positive relationship for them after we just uprooted. How do we have this conversation with the parents respectfully? And if their answer is unsatisfactory, how can I keep my kids both safe and social?
— Fun Without Guns
Dear Fun Without Guns,
This is going to be a slightly awkward conversation. There’s no way around it. You’ll be asking someone you don’t know very well about how they run their household in a way that reveals you think they might not be able to provide a safe place for children, including their own. There’s no sugarcoating “Just checking to see whether you’re wildly irresponsible in a way that might get all our kids killed.” It’ll be weird! It could, in fact, ruin the fun neighborly vibes! So rather than try to minimize that, I want you to do an exercise that will help you put it in perspective and remind you that it’s worth it:
Google the phrase “Boy, 8, fatally shoots.” Now try it with “6” and “10” and “4” and with “child” or “girl.” Read the stories that come up. And remind yourself that this is what you’re protecting against. Are you willing to endure a tense moment to do it? I hope so. Also, unless the neighbors are totally unreasonable, they’ll be happy to reassure you that the guns are unloaded and locked away. If their response is anything less than satisfactory, the new rule is “play dates at our home only.”
Dear Prudence,
I want to take my adult children and my grandsons—three tweens—on a vacation. Another of my adult children has a teen daughter who is very hard to be around. The teen granddaughter is grumpy and disrespectful to all, including her parents. I don’t want to travel without my adult children and the other grandkids’ kids, but I can’t stand the teen daughter. We will suffer if we don’t go on a family vacation, but if we allow the teen granddaughter to go, we will also suffer.
— Grandparent of Surly Teen
Dear Grandparent,
Being a grandparent can be a lot of fun, but it’s not only fun. You’re also supposed to be a loving adult in a child’s life, which means sticking with the relationship and not abandoning a teen just because she has a typical-for-her-age attitude. Are you willing to write off this relationship completely? Do you care if you’re invited to her wedding? Are you interested in meeting her kids if you’re around when they’re born? I don’t want to hear from you in a letter 10 years from now about how you just can’t figure out why your lovely and successful young adult granddaughter is not warm toward you!
You need to push through and show that you love her for who she is, in a way that can’t be undone by some hormone-inspired behavior. That doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries around how she talks to you and address behaviors that you see as disrespectful. Feel free to (in consultation with her parents) lay out some expectations before the trip, and let her know in the moment if she’s doing something that offends you (“something” does not mean being grumpy, she’s allowed to be grumpy!). Unless she’s actively antagonizing anyone, I can’ imagine how she could ruin the trip for all of you. But I can imagine how your “I can’t stand her” attitude could damage your connection with her in a way that will be really hard to repair.
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
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