How to Do It

I Finally Tried Out My Secret Desire on a Man During Sex. He Asked Me to Leave Immediately.

A man with his teeth circled.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by CarlosDavid.org/Getty Images Plus.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I have what you might call a “dental kink” and have struggled to find someone with similar proclivities. I’ve tried to find other individuals with this kink online, but the communities I’ve found are small and isolated, which makes it difficult for these interactions to translate to real-life sexual escapades. It’s also difficult to bring this up with partners, because I’m not sure how they’ll react. The probability that they’ll also happen to be into teeth stuff is just too low for me to risk bringing it up. For context, I mainly like “feeling up” other people’s mouths rather than just getting bitten or biting others.

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I finally found the emotional fortitude to bring up my kink with my last sexual partner. He seemed open-minded. But once my hands were actually in his mouth, he realized he was very uncomfortable with it and I was asked to leave immediately. This was very upsetting because it was a vulnerable moment for me and I am still ruminating on this abrupt dismissal. While I’m still recovering from this slight, the urge to fulfill the desire has not been tamed at all and has become even more persistent now that I know how much I do enjoy it. Where do I find someone who would see eye to eye, or hand to tooth, with me on this?

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—Love Bites

Dear Love Bites,

What you’re referring to exists under the umbrella of odontophilia, which can manifest in several ways, from focusing on teeth during sex to licking a partner’s teeth to the kind of tactile play you’re interested in. As with any niche kink, I think your best bet is to seek out likeminded individuals in a kink-oriented cruising space (one online example is FetLife). Now that you know what it’s called, you can Google it to see who’s talking about it in spaces like Tumblr. It’s not going to be easy to find like-handed people, but it will be possible as finding your people is part of the point of the internet. It’s unfortunate that your partner rejected you, but that’s an inescapable risk we take when we bare ourselves to someone else. If possible, and vanilla sex is satisfying to you, I’d wait to reveal this next time—the longer you know someone, the more likely to be able to understand this as something that is part of you but doesn’t define your existence. Even then, be prepared in case it is a deal breaker. Love, as you are well aware, bites.

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Dear How to Do It,

How do I get my cum to squirt out up further up on my stomach or to my mouth? Right now, I just come on my dick and fingers.

—Shooter

Dear Shooter,

Is this a riddle? Am I the Batman? Is the answer you’re looking for “stool pigeon”?

No? Fine. There are tricks and techniques all over the internet for distance shooting (here’s a thoroughly sourced article), but a lot of these are barely more helpful than tips for lengthening your penis. I believe that age and genetics are the greatest contributing factors here, so there may not be a lot that you can do. But there is quite a bit to try that may be useful even if you never get close to taking out an eye. Keep hydrated. Do pelvic-floor exercises. You can try abstaining from ejaculating for a period of time to see if that helps. I find that edging and prostate/general anal stimulation can make me shoot farther than usual (even better: try both edging and prostate stimulation together).

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You’ll have to experiment, but luckily this experimentation involves playing with your dick, so even if the experiment fails, you still win. You might also interrogate why you want to shoot farther anyway. We humans can be really hard on ourselves and want things from our bodies that our bodies are not inclined to give us. In that striving, we take for granted what we have. If ejaculating already feels good, that’s a good thing. You could want more, but why?

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Dear How to Do It,

My girlfriend and I have been together for about two years. We see each other mostly on weekends.

However, she will only have sex at a certain time, and that’s right before bed. There is no negotiating this. Why? Because, according to her, after sex she has to sleep—not a little 20-minute nap—two hours minimum. If she were to have sex during the day, she would zonk out for two hours and be worthless and wrung out the rest of the day. (We did have afternoon sex a couple times early in our relationship, and this is indeed what happened.) She has conditioned herself to be libido-less any time before 11 p.m. Trust me on this.

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Now, I’m a night owl, but not as much as she is. If I can get her to go to bed at midnight, that’s what’s known as a “compromise” in our world. I’m not 30 anymore; I still get plenty horny, but when a 53-year-old dude is tired from the day, sex will lose out to sleep.

A typical night together: I do my best to stay awake until she comes out from her bath. She puts her pajamas on and scoots under the covers. We lay there, and usually one of us makes a move. The sex is pretty good when it happens.

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All of this means that sex is never spontaneous, and it’s on her schedule, and she will not build fun, erotic tension. I’ve talked to her about all of this, and she won’t bend. We love each other and have a great relationship, but I’m tired of being pushed around in the sex department.

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—Zonked

Dear Zonked,

Not every disagreement has to be interpreted as a power struggle. Your girlfriend has reasons for wanting sex on the schedule. She outlined those reasons, and you’ve verified them. She isn’t pushing you around; she’s telling you what she needs. And not just that, she’s showing you! This isn’t theoretical. If this is too much for you, you can chalk it up to incompatibility and look for a new partner. But if I may, I’m going to give you the same advice to the person above who wants to shoot cum in their own mouth: Be happy with what you have.

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I have been married for over a decade, and we have an amazing sex life. There is one thing, though, that neither of can explain or understand. We have tried but have never been able to find anyone else who describes something similar, so we’re hoping you can help. When he gives me a very hard massage on certain parts of my back, my body responds as if I’m having an orgasm. I shake and moan and feel out of control with all the physical signs of orgasm, but without the pleasure. The massage feels like its own kind of release, but it’s not sexual pleasure even though it looks like it is. Can you explain what might be happening?

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—Backgasm

Dear Backgasm,

Indeed, this one’s a head-scratcher, but only because of the confluence you describe. Taken separately, the phenomena in your letter have been widely documented. “Backgasms,” or sacral orgasms, are well known enough to be the subject of viral TikToks and general internet chatter. In 2004, a story circulated of an anesthesiologist who stimulated a patient’s spinal cord with an electrode and it inadvertently induced an orgasm. The doctor, Stuart Meloy, was able to replicate the results, though years later it was reported that he was struggling to scare up funding for his Orgasmatron.

(A tangent: A back-induced orgasm is hardly the only known example of a nonsexual orgasm. The 2017 article “Orgasm Range and Variability in Humans: A Content Analysis” in the International Journal of Sexual Health lists some truly wild examples that people have reported. These include orgasms resulting from: cleaning one’s ears with a Q-tip, being told to hurry up while taking a test, scratching mosquito bites, and—my fave—“when using a balloon whisk and vigorously beating egg whites until they form soft peaks.” It goes to show that whenever you think your experience is truly unique, someone else out there has you beat, and this time with a whisk.)

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The second thing that you describe that is already totally a thing is sexual, or orgasmic, anhedonia, which is, as you indicate, an orgasm without pleasure. That might mean ejaculation without feeling, or the sense that an orgasm is taking place, but without the truly great parts. In her answer to a question about sexual anhedonia last year, my HTDI partner Jessica Stoya said that she has experienced this when using a high-intensity vibrator. “My experience is that my body does the main things—pelvic contractions and increased vaginal fluid—that I associate with orgasm, but it doesn’t feel fun, or good, or even like it really happened to me,” she wrote.

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What she describes, and what I am assuming you are as well (since these particular orgasms—or non-orgasms, if you like—seem only to occur for you during back massages), is a kind of selective anhedonia. I think the bigger picture here is that different orgasm triggers may produce different effects. A prostate orgasm has different features than a penile one, and a back orgasm may just be qualitatively different than a clitoral one. Your unique makeup only further facilitates variation. Sexual anhedonia is not particularly well-studied, according to a urologist I spoke to about this condition for a previous column, and even it were, the data might not speak to your exact experience. As long as you’re enjoying them, as well as orgasms of the pleasurable variety, your backgasms are perhaps best viewed as a nice little bonus, like free sprinkles on your ice cream. They don’t have a lot of flavor, but they’re not nothing either.

More How to Do It

How do I deal with men who don’t want to do certain things in the bedroom because they “respect me too much”? I’ve run in to two men specifically who’ve said this to me (a straight woman). Now I’m now engaged to one of those guys, and what he deems “disrespectful” is throwing me.

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