How to Do It

I’m Having the Best Sex of My Life. I Can’t Deal With What Happens After.

I’ve tried everything to try to fix this.

A bed and an emoji of liquid droplets.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Vera_Petrunina/Getty Images Plus.

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Dear How to Do It,

I am a 30-something woman who is with an amazing girlfriend after getting out of a terrible marriage. After over a decade of traumatic or just plain unsatisfying sex, I now have an incredible sex life and I’m finally having orgasms that I don’t have to fake. But there’s been an unexpected side effect that I’m wondering how other women deal with.

My girlfriend has helped me discover that I squirt, especially when having multiple orgasms in a row. It was mortifying the first few times, but I’ve now come (pun not intended) to love it, except for one thing: the mess. Even when I put two folded towels down underneath me, I still soak through those, my sheets, and sometimes my waterproof mattress cover! I’ve tried putting a shower curtain down under the sheet, but the sound it made was really distracting.

Do you have product suggestions or ideas for people who squirt too much? I’m embarrassed to ask friends because I know it sounds like a TMI humblebrag, but I’m honestly not sure what to do about it.

— Tired of the Mess

Rich: Can I just give a note upfront about “pun intended,” “pun not intended”? It is my argument, always, that if you put a pun in print and it makes it through your editorial process, it is in fact intended. The only “unintended” puns are spontaneous: “Oops, that just came out.”

Stoya: I do think for people who don’t frequently write about sex, I’m more inclined to give them a little bit of a pass with cliché because it’s like, “Oh, you have very few ways to describe this, and you don’t have elegant ways to write around the use of the word ‘come’ to avoid a double entendre.” I can imagine the writer being like, “I’ve now ‘come’ to love it…how do I say that differently? Ugh, ‘Pun not intended.’”

Rich: Right.

Stoya: But as far as the sheet situation, I have a couple of products. One is a latex company that’s been around for quite some time called Libidex. I think they’re in the U.K. They make latex bedding, and they make other kinds of kink latex, like latex dresses, sexy stuff. But they also make fitted sheets, and even pillow cases and duvet covers. These are meant for fetishists. But this alone is not a full fix, because with a completely nonabsorbent mattress, if it doesn’t all pool where the weight of your body is making a depression, then it’s going over the side and it’s going to hit your box springs. So you do need some absorbent stuff on top of that. But a latex sheet does not crinkle and is completely waterproof.

The only problem is if you have cats, it will not remain intact for long; I mean, most of the time with latex, if there’s one puncture, it just sort of rips.

Rich: Yes. So another thing along those lines, is that there’s kind of a genre of fitted sheet—not even really a sheet—for water sports. Tom of Finland, the famous company that comes from Tom of Finland’s art, they make a water sports sheet that’s made of vinyl and it’s actually rimmed with an inflatable sort of bumper. So it’s almost a kiddie pool–type of thing. This helps with the going-over-the-side issue you mentioned.

Stoya: Amazing!

Rich: Yeah. I think that could be useful. I’ve never used it myself, so I don’t know. Also, I think less so than with the latex, but still along those lines, we’re kind of stretching—pun intended—the definition of a sheet. This isn’t the kind of thing that you’re sleeping on; this isn’t your fitted sheet. This is the sheet that you put on your bed before you have sex and take it off when you’re done. So it’s requiring a lot more prep than maybe the average non-squirting person or person who isn’t into piss play is doing. I guess there are some consequences of pleasure and that’s kind of a minor one.

Stoya: Also there’s the Liberator Throw, which is quite hefty. So I think there are several options, with upsides and downsides each, right? Like, is it more hassle to put the Tom of Finland kiddie pool on the bed? Or is it more hassle to throw down the Liberator and two towels on top of a mattress protector that you might get wet and have to peel off the bed along with all the other stuff? I think it comes down to what our writer is least exhausted by.

Rich: I also think that the shower curtain fix that our writer mentions, while admittedly not ideal, reminds me of a thing that you and I talk about a lot, which is that a lot of questions that we receive are essentially in search of an absolutely perfect scenario, you know? Which is to say that the fix may not be exactly what you might like. It may produce an annoying sound. Then you have to weigh, “OK, well I get to have sex, and I can let go during sex and the price that I pay is an annoying sound.” Again, it’s not to say that the shower curtain is ideal at all, I think we have discussed better solutions. What I’m saying is maybe even the best solution is not going to be totally ideal, and part of life is sort of coping with what you have and what you can do about it.

Stoya: And also, as much as massive squirting orgasms are great, there are so many other ways to take pleasure in sex. And so, maybe sometimes when they don’t want to deal with the cleanup, they can engage in a sexual interaction or connection that isn’t going to make her squirt all over the place.

Rich: Right. I mean, the only reason that this is in my mind is because you mentioned it when we were talking recently—certain stuff makes you squirt versus other stuff, right? Like it doesn’t necessarily come with an orgasm, it’s a particular kind of stimulation that creates it?

Stoya: With me, it’s a freaking Rubik’s cube—the stars have to be aligned and the moon has to be perfectly 26/8ths full and all sorts of precision. But there are some people who have an orgasm and they’re consistently squirting and that’s their life.

Rich: Right. And that’s that.

Stoya: I actually just handled a “Hey, I squirt a lot, what do I do?” question for one of my solo columns recently. And I had reached out to Fancy Feast, who’s a sex educator and burlesque performer, and Madison Young, who I’m not sure if she’s still performing in porn, but she has a show called “Submission Possible” that’s all about sex. And I know Madison’s a squirter. And so I’m like, “Hey, what do y’all think?” Both of them, part of their advice was when you don’t want to squirt, don’t do the things that are going to make you squirt. And if that means not having an orgasm, that’s an opportunity to explore the value and beauty of non-orgasmic erotic interaction. They didn’t word it quite that clinically, but that’s my special touch.

Rich: I love the wording, but I also love the idea of it being an opportunity and not a downside, you know? There’s a lot of ways to have sex.

More How to Do It

I’m a 20s cis woman who either doesn’t orgasm or has really weak orgasms, possibly due to a medication I take. I’ve never had an unequivocal, earth-shattering orgasm, but I enjoy sex anyway. Sometimes a particularly thorough boyfriend or a vibrator will get me feeling way better than usual, and the sensation builds up almost painfully. Usually I back off, but today, I didn’t. I kept masturbating until I felt like I could release, but that release turned out to be … me peeing myself. And no, I wasn’t into it. I know some women “squirt,” but I didn’t experience euphoria and delight. I just felt turned off and a need to wash the sheets—unless coming is the exact same sensation as urinating and everyone’s been lying this whole time. I didn’t have a particularly full bladder before I started. What gives?