Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years. Each Sunday, we dive into the Dear Prudie archives and share a selection of classic letters with our readers. Join Slate Plus for even more advice columns—your first month is only $1.
Dear Prudence,
My ex remarried a few years ago to a woman who is 15 years younger than me, has a Ph.D., and is quite wealthy. I basically owe her my life. My boyfriend got arrested, I got pregnant, and our house almost burned down. She provided my children and me an apartment that she owns, paid for a nanny, and helped with getting the house rebuilt. My kids are over at their dad’s most afternoons (including my now 3-year-old, saving me day care fees). I am back on my feet and biting back nasty comments whenever my kids talk about her. I am just stewing, and I feel so ashamed at times I make myself sick. What is wrong with me, and how do I make it stop?
You went through a series of incredibly stressful and painful events, were rescued by your ex’s seemingly perfect new wife, and are now exhausted from sitting in a position of constant gratitude. I don’t think anything is wrong with you—you feel resentful and insecure and ashamed next to this remarkable woman who has done so much to help you, which is fairly understandable—but I do think it’s wise of you to seek to curtail your feelings. It’s wonderful that you are now in a position to take care of yourself and your children without outside assistance, and I think at least some of this newly freed-up time and funds should go toward paying for a therapist. You’re right to bite back your nasty comments in front of your children. They have a warm, loving relationship with their stepmother, and you shouldn’t try to damage it, for your own sake as well as theirs. But you need someone to share your unlovely and uncharitable feelings with, and a therapist will help you sort out your resentments without damaging your relationships. —Danny M. Lavery
From: “Help! My Ex’s New Wife Got Me Through a Difficult Time, and Now I’m Resentful.” (Dec. 29, 2015)
Dear Prudence,
Before I met and married my husband 11 years ago I felt I might be bisexual. I fantasized (and still do) about being with women and men alike; however, the opportunity to be with a woman never presented itself and I never pursued it. I’ve made jokes about being with a girl, but my husband says it “does nothing” for him. Fast forward through the years and I still feel like I am missing out on something sexually and am kicking myself for not doing this before I settled down. Our sex life has run hot and cold—my drive is much higher and I like more variety than he does. I have a good female friend who recently shared with me that she is bisexual and we have briefly discussed experimenting together. We are both secure in our marriages and are not looking for a relationship outside of friendship and fooling around together. Plus, I feel this may actually help me get what I need sexually while taking some pressure off my husband. I’ve thought about going for it without telling my husband just to see if it is something I like. However, I don’t like the thought of doing this behind his back and I am equally nervous about telling him. I don’t want him to question everything in our marriage over this. Am I crazy for even considering this?
I can’t tell if you’ve been truly been honest with your husband about your sexuality. Joking that you’d like to go on tour with Beyoncé is not exactly explaining that you think you are bisexual. Since you’re seriously considering finally acting on your desires, I think it’s time to explicitly own up to them to your husband. I acknowledge that sneaking around with the other woman may actually heighten the thrill of that romance. But you will really be putting your marriage in jeopardy if you get caught. So talk to your husband. This will be a complicated conversation that will arouse many emotions in both of you. He may be devastated. Alternately he may surprise you and say he sanctions your exploration. You, of course, have to be prepared that he may express some so far unspoken desires of his own that he’d like to act on himself. —Emily Yoffe
From: “Help! My Husband Won’t Take My Hints About Having a Threesome Seriously.” (April 15, 2013)
Dear Prudence,
When my wife and I got married in grad school, we talked and planned out a future: finishing our degrees, living overseas for several years, and then coming back to the States and having kids. Then her father was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. We both dropped out of school and move back to her little Midwest hometown. I took over the family business while my wife supported her mom and helped raise her younger brothers. That was four years ago. My father-in-law is thankfully healthy and in remission. My wife was able to telecommute to finish her degree and works for the local school district. Her brothers are in their final years of high school. Last month, we had a pregnancy scare and I freaked out. I felt nothing but relief when it turned out to be a false positive and my wife and I had a serious fight. I love her family but the business is tedious and mind-numbing. I am good at it, but I want to least TRY to live my dream if just to say I gave it a shot. I told my wife I want kids but not now and not here. I want to pick up on our plan. We have plenty of money saved up. Even if it’s just a year or two of hiking, hostels, and ridiculous hopes, I feel it is my turn. I need this. My wife tells me that I obviously hate her family and her hometown. I pointed out I came here for her, took over her family business, and gave up getting my master’s and seeing my family every day (we used to live an hour away from them). I am happy enough to talk about having kids and settling down here after we’ve had our adventures. We still are fighting and spend most of time in polite silence when we see our families. I don’t know what to do. I love my wife and I don’t want to see the world without her, but I am resentful. I have given and given and now I feel lied to. Please help me.
It sounds like this is a conversation you’ve been putting off (perhaps because you felt like you couldn’t have it while your wife’s father was still ill) until the only way to have it was to explode. Now you two have to be scrupulously honest about what you want in order to make up for the last few years of tiptoeing and making assumptions. Does your wife want to stay in her hometown forever? Would she like you to run the family business for the rest of your life? Tell her that you thought you both agreed that you would finish your degrees together and travel for a few years, but that she seems to have changed her mind—does she still want that? Is she open to doing anything other than living within close proximity of her family? If she’s not willing to do that, are you willing to compromise and stay? Couples counseling will help you answer those questions, because there are a lot of options in between “travel the world” and “stay next to my father until he dies” that might be available to the two of you. But you need to make it clear if you’re not able or willing to put in another four years (or even one year) in your current situation, before the next pregnancy scare comes along. Use protection in the meantime. —D.L.
From: “Help! I Abandoned My Dreams to Help My Wife Care for Her Family, and Now I’m Full of Resentment.” (Dec. 13, 2016)
Dear Prudence,
I found out recently that my husband has been texting with a female coworker for over a year. I knew they texted about work but now know they were texting mornings, evenings, and weekends about random things. None of the texting is romantic, sexual etc. but this has really made me feel betrayed. I knew nothing about the friendship and constant contact. He frequently tells me about texts he receives from other friends but this person was never mentioned. He maintains that they are just friends and nothing was hidden from me. How do I let this go when I feel like he has lied by omission for so long.
Maybe I’m just an misanthrope, but I don’t understand the thrill of an open line to exchange life’s banalities. You say your husband and his colleague are texting endless messages about their day, so it sounds like you’ve read the entire oeuvre. You’re the one in the marriage, so you have to sort out whether your husband is just one of those people who’s compulsively welded to his phone, or whether he is getting some kind of frisson by texting messages to her such as, “Why is the person in front of me at Starbucks always buying for the whole office?” In these circumstances there can develop a semi-intimacy which is not quite right, but also leaves no indictable trail, either. Your husband is in constant contact with a female colleague and they’re not discussing sales reports. I’m inferring that your question about how you let this go is one that has been imposed on you by your husband who insists there’s nothing for you to be concerned about. But at the very least he owes you an honest exchange about this. It is fair for you to say you feel blindsided that he has a seemingly close relationship with someone at work whose name he’s never mentioned and with whom he stays in frequent touch during your private time. —E.Y.
From: “Help! My Husband Texts His Female Co-Worker All the Time.” (March 10, 2014)
More Advice From Dear Prudence
My brother is 30 years old and has a history of making bad choices, including a DUI and probation. After several years adrift, he finally seemed to be getting his act together. He got accepted to graduate school and did well enough that he was offered a teaching position upon graduation. However, I recently found out that my brother was accused of sexual assault by a female undergraduate student.
