How to Do It, Slate’s sex advice column, now has its very own podcast featuring Stoya and Rich. Twice a week, they’ll tackle their most eye-popping questions yet in short, fun, informative episodes. Subscribe to the podcast now wherever you listen.
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Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a decade, and he’s the only man I’ve ever slept with. He slowly introduced me to butt play with toys that I didn’t like at first but came to like quite a bit. The problem came later, with his new argument for why he deserved anal sex.
We then started anal, and we enjoyed it for a while. But as we’ve gotten older, I still really like having sex with butt plugs or masturbation with butt plugs, but I don’t really like anal sex anymore. It causes me pain and discomfort, whereas the plugs are smaller and the perfect size, giving me stronger orgasms and complementing vaginal sex.
Now his feelings are hurt because I want to use my butt toys but don’t want to have anal sex with him, and he argues that’s the same as if he used a pocket pussy over having vaginal sex with me. In response, I threw out all my butt toys, but I feel so much resentment, because I never really had much interest in butt play to begin with, and it was his idea to do it. Now that I like one but not the other, he doesn’t want me to engage in it at all if it doesn’t also include anal sex with him. I enjoyed the butt plugs because it made our vanilla sex much more exciting, but my amount of kink didn’t match his. Now I don’t know what to do.
Stoya: There’s this super wacky false equivalency.
Rich: I’m sure she’s explained to him what she’s just explained to us, because it wasn’t hard. I mean, the butt toys are smaller than his dick. She said that.
Stoya: They don’t thrust. They’re a different texture.
Rich: I think it says everything about his motivation that he introduces this to her, and it doesn’t matter if she likes it, if he’s not getting what his objective was by introducing it in the first place. That’s just a total transaction that then didn’t work out in your favor, and you can’t even get over yourself to say, “Well, at least you’re happy.”
Stoya: Nope, nope. Leave him.
Rich: He does sound like a real dick, I’ll say that.
Stoya: Get a new butt plug. Maybe a vibrator or two, right? There are different kinds of vibrators that provide different sorts of sensations, so maybe get a range. Just do it for yourself while you recover from your 10 years of what I imagine is a lot of this, and then figure out whether you want a relationship, and what you want that relationship to look like.
Rich: I feel like if she introduces the idea of breaking up over this and he’s willing to knock it off and be OK with it, it might be forgivable if the ultimatum does shift his behavior,I just find it really cruel to deny your partner pleasure that you had a direct hand in introducing.
Stoya: And the dating for over a decade implies a certain amount of age, a standard of maturity that’s coming in is based on an assumption of how old. They could be 23, in which case OK, stick it out. But I was thinking much more like 30, and if that’s the case, I don’t have a good feeling about his ability to take that note.
Rich: I also don’t get a sense that he is even correct in his assumption regarding the pocket pussy, which you mentioned was a false equivalency. I agree. I think that she would completely be OK with him using that, given everything she’s said.
Stoya: It just doesn’t make sense to me in a way that strikes me as very, ugh, yawn, entitled dude.
Rich: It’s like ergonomics have no morality, you know? In sum, I guess, leave him.
Stoya: Pack a bag.