How to Do It

My Husband Just Told Me His a Long-Held Sexual Secret

I’m not sure how to proceed with this information.

A married couple under a spectral eggplant.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus.

How to Do It, Slate’s sex advice column, now has its very own podcast featuring Stoya and Rich. Twice a week, they’ll tackle their most eye-popping questions yet in your earphones. The second episode each week and this transcript are available exclusively to Slate Plus members. For a limited time, become a member now and get $25 off your first year.

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I have a good sex life, but he recently divulged a long-held secret. I don’t know what to do with this revelation.

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He has always loved eating his own semen any chance he gets—this was kinda hot to me. But he now wants to know what giving a blowjob to a man would feel like, cum and all. Here’s the hitch: He said he has zero interest in foreplay with the person, simply wants a dick to suck and have the guy leave. I’m a little stuck here. I’m supporting it of course, because I love him, but seeking someone out to do this seems unrealistic. With STDs in the picture, it’s not a real desirable thing in my perspective. As well as the scenario, he imagines of zero interaction with the person. If I knew 100 percent he could find someone to do this with and zero chance of getting something, I’d say go for it. Any advice is appreciated—or an idea of what this desire would be called.

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—How Many Licks

Rich: Well, it’s not impossible. I’ll tell you that much. It’s very easy to have oral sex with a man and have zero interaction. Let me tell you from personal experience, that happens a lot. The STI issue, of course, there’s always a risk. You have sex, there’s a risk. You can use condoms. It’s still a risk.

Stoya: Well, but then he doesn’t get the come.

Rich: Then he doesn’t get the come.

Stoya: Yeah. There is a risk, but it’s such a small, likely easily medicated risk. I’m more worried about the delta variant.

Rich: Yes. Because in all likelihood what he would be getting something like chlamydia or gonorrhea easy enough to clear up. You take a dose of antibiotics, a cycle, and you’re done.

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Stoya: The more that I lay this out, the more I’m like, wow, I have a fairly unique stance on the tolerability of sexually transmittable infections.

Rich: But I don’t think you’re alone there, because is if you ask people if they use condoms during oral sex—I mean, not that I’ve taken an actual survey of this, but I’d have to tell you that 9 out of 10 would say no, probably more like 9.9 out of 10 say no. So I think we collectively are pretty permissive when it comes to oral sex.

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Stoya: I do think that is largely a lack of education about the risks involved with barrierless oral sex. I think if everyone who is having sex outside of committed monogamy got into their heads, we would either see a lot more screening and requests for screening, or we would see a lot less oral sex without a barrier.

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Rich: The other part of this question is, what do you subscribe to the notion that a man can be heterosexual and have a penis fetish that doesn’t involve his own penis?

Stoya: So I personally would very much like to be done with the gender binary. People are intersex, people are nonbinary, people increasingly find that masculinity or femininity and prescribed roles are harmful and limiting. So I would say we’ve got a person who wants to eat semen without any bells or whistles or greetings or exchanges of thoughts and opinions.

Rich: I think that’s fair. I do find the particular subject of a penis fetish to be just kind of hard for me to wrap my head around because I have a penis fetish. You know what I mean? That’s part of the point of having sex with cis men, but I do, which is that I get to play with a penis and get to have that fetish. It’s more than that—it’s one thing if you just have a dick that you’re, like, holding. But if you’re actually trying to elicit response from that. I mean, that’s attached to a body and it’s a pleasure kind of thing. And that’s a guy that you’re giving the pleasure to. So you have to be somewhat aware of the entire situation, unless you’re just dissociating it. I don’t know about that. I don’t know if that’s recommended.

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Stoya: I don’t know that the dick-sucking has anything to do with anything other than the semen.

Rich: Than extracting the semen.

Stoya: I think it might be entirely about the semen.

Rich: See, what I wondered is if the semen that he liked to eat from himself and then play with his wife was kind of a proxy or a leading up to this thing. It’s like what he actually wants, but he’s testing the waters. It’s like, I let a girl eat my ass before I let a guy because I wanted a guy to, but I was, like, building up to that. You know what I mean?

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Stoya: OK. Yeah. So this could be step two along a path toward discovering an appreciation of the male body. And maybe he, for some reason, feels unable to admit the whole of that to himself at this stage.

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Rich: Yes. But none of that is to say that he can’t remain with your consent and guidance in a relationship with you. The fact that he may be attracted to men to whatever degree he is doesn’t negate his attraction to you. Bisexuality, pansexuality, all kinds of attraction can exist within one person.

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Stoya: Yeah. So what it would be called is a mystery, because I don’t think that we can necessarily assume our writer’s husband even knows exactly what he wants, what it is that works for him, and what he’s going to be curious about in the future.

Rich: Identity is best left to he or she or they who hold it. It’s kind of up to you to decide. It’s up to him to identify. So maybe ask him what he calls this desire. And if he doesn’t have a specific phrase or word for it, maybe you give him a paragraph like the one that you sent in. Maybe that’s what you call it.

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